We drive around, talking about all the places he owns. He points them out and explains their purpose. Some are his that he purchased on his own, but the larger ones are from his father which he explains that he now owns as well. I don’t want to ask about Derrick’s involvement because I don’t want to ruin the mood. Connick did something so thoughtful tonight, he got me a gift which I didn’t expect, and one that will be of great use to me. It’s my favorite thing right now. We finally come to a stop out front of my place. He leans in and lingers on my neck, his lips drag then leave a scorching kiss.

“Do you want to come in?”

“Yes.”

Opening the door, I climb out with him following. The driver heads off, leaving us here by ourselves. There’s no going back now. Unlocking my door and walking in, he shuts it behind me, locking it. He walks over to the flowers sitting on the counter, reaches out and touches them then walks back over to me. My hand reaches the zipper on the back of my dress, he knows what I want because his eyes light up when I slowly undo it. The dress drops to the floor, leaving me in the lingerie set Serena bought for me. His eyes dance like fire as he takes me in from top to bottom, then he steps closer, undoing his buttons on his crisp, clean white shirt.

“Are you sure, Milanka?”

“Very sure,” is all I can reply. No other words come to mind when I see his chest. He pulls his shirt free, revealing his beautiful skin and rippled abs.

“I’ve missed you, Milanka.” His hands touch my bare stomach, and I flinch when he does.

Because I should tell him.

I should step away right now and tell him.

But I’m going to be selfish, just for this moment, because I can tell him later.

Leaning into him, his hands swim the back of me, up and down, and then grabbing my ass and squeezing it hard. He lifts me just slightly and walks with me backward into my bedroom. He stops, laying me down on the bed, then leans down and strokes a path from between my breast to my pussy. I moan, because I’m so ready, so needing him right now. I could sit right up and tear his clothes off and have my way with him.

His hand lifts and he takes the rest of his clothes off, he doesn’t even ask or try to find a condom, I guess it’s useless now anyway. He pulls my panties off and down my legs, then he lifts them over his shoulder. He looks down between us, wets his finger, then strokes me in the right place. One thing about Connick, no other man’s touch can make me go crazy as much as his does. No other man has come close to his touch. And I’ve had experience, lots of it, but no other compares. End of story.

My moans increase, then he drops ever so slightly as well, lifting me up. He enters me hard, then stays still for just a moment before he starts moving. My hands play with my breasts which are still encased in their bra. I pull them out and squeeze my nipples. Connick sees this and pushes my hands away and touches them for himself, while I keep my legs wrapped around his waist as he fucks me.

The buildup is fast and furious. Pushing his hands off of me, I reach for him and he lifts me, knowing what I want, and cradles me to his body as I bounce up and down. His tongue licks my ear then nips it, making me even wilder than before, making both our movements faster than before. It doesn’t take long until we both reach exactly where we want to be, both of our breathing stops at exactly the same time. A high fulfilled for both of us, a desire we both crave yet stopped ourselves even with the impossibilities of more, it scares us both. I would fuck this man to his grave if I were allowed to. But it’s a pity feelings had to get involved and fuck it all up.

He slowly places me softly back on the bed, laying me down gently. He walks away then comes back with a bottle of water, which he places to his lips then passes it to me before he climbs in next to me. I move to one side to give him room, but he pulls me back to him so our bodies are touching.

“No sleeping, Milanka.”

My eyes are heavy and that’s all I want to do. That’s all I have been doing for quite some time, just sleeping.

“Are you ready again?”

He smirks at me and I know he is, he always is. It’s like he was made for me at the sex store, yet I didn’t have to purchase him. Placing the water on the bedside table I turn to him, he’s still naked and on top of my sheets. He is hard, just like he said. I climb on him, sliding down very slowly until I can feel him at my entrance. It doesn’t take much for him to slide in, I’m already wet from our previous fuck, but now even more sensitive. He grabs my hips and starts rocking me back and forth, my clit is being rubbed at the perfect pace and I know this won’t last long, I’m already halfway there just from looking at him. Running my hands along his chest and stomach, one of his hands leaves my body and I feel the pull of my hair before he tugs it hard, yanking my head back, making me arch my back. He sits up with me still inside of him and sucks on my nipple, paying massive attention to it before he goes to the next. My hips don’t stop moving, his other hand doesn’t either, pulling me back and forth.

“Milanka…”

“Tell me you missed me,” I breathe. “Tell me how much?” He doesn’t watch his words when we fuck, it’s like he loses his filter.

“I’ve missed you like I forgot to breathe, I want to only breathe with you.” His hands wrap around my face, my hands do the same, both our bodies slowing in motion as we both come.

My lips come down, first they graze his to taste him. Slow, soft kisses. His hand slides to my hair, pulling me in further. My mouth opens, his mouth opens, our tongues touch, and it’s like his eyes earlier, licking at a flame. He soothes me with such an intimate touch, I knew I could only give it to him.

This right here, it feels so close, he feels like too much. I’m not running this time, I won’t pull back. I’ll take it all if I have to. I’ll take everything from him that he has to give, and he won’t say no. Because he’s doing exactly the same thing, giving me all of him without even realizing it. In the touches, to how he looks at me. In his lips, to how they graze me. This is what I’ve always wanted, this right here is also what I’m most afraid of. He could tear my life apart worse than any other could. He has these pieces of me I’ve handed him over on a platter, letting him devour them if need be. No one can hurt me as much as Connick can. That’s what scares me the most.

* * *

I wake to a hand on my thigh and Connick breathing in my hair. My heart starts to race fast.

What have I done? Did I do the right thing by letting him in again? Just as I start to calm down, he moves, pushing into me, pulling me closer.

“Sleep,” he grumbles.

Waiting a few more minutes until I feel him relax again, I slowly creep out from underneath him. He doesn’t move when I stand, walking to the door. Connick looks peaceful like nothing in the world could bother him. I wish it were the same for me. I wish it were that easy. Go to sleep to take all my worries away, but it isn’t working. Closing the door behind me, I go to the shower, turning it on to heat it up. I walk back out to check my cell. Connick is sitting there and sleeping, but his cell is flashing. Looking to my closed door, I’m not sure if I should answer it, when it stops. Then starts again, this time Cherry’s name comes up. So, I decide I should answer it and Cherry starts talking fast.

“Cherry… Connick’s asleep.”

She pauses then says my name.

“Milanka, is he with you? He didn’t show up today. We had a big meeting with an investor, he’s never late or misses them.”

“Do you want me to wake him?” I ask, starting the walk to my room.

“No. No, this is good. He needs to start slowing down. He does too much.”

“Okay.”

“How are you, Milanka?”

“Good, thank you. Look, I better go, I’ll let him know you called when he wakes.”

She laughs and says goodbye. Just as I place his cell down, it starts again. It’s on silent, thank God. Just as I decide I won’t look or even bother answering his call, I see the caller ID, and my heart stops and for a second. I wonder why he’s calling, then I remember it’s his brother. I can’t simply expect him to never speak to his own blood again. Turning the cell over, I walk back to the shower, knowing that’s one call I will never answer.

I smell Connick all over me.

He’s everywhere but intended to be nowhere.

I constantly wonder about how I’m going to tell him. What exactly I should say to a man like him who has never spoken of wanting a kid. The blood test came back positive. I couldn’t move all day when the doctor told me. I sat in my bedroom, staring up at the ceiling like it would magically tell me what to do.

It didn’t.

The doctor told me I was early, and that I should have a scan to see exactly how far along I am. I know exactly when it happened. It was in his office, the day I got back from vacations. So I am weeks, at best, pregnant.

With his child.

With Connick’s child.

It plays tricks with me, repeat it enough, it might become real. Or it won’t. Soon though, I will start showing. Now Connick’s back in my life, he will notice. He’s always touching me, he doesn’t miss things either.

Scrubbing my body, my legs are still sore. I sit down and let the water wash over me. The heat feels like a massage. A sharp pain pulls at my stomach, it shoots through me and I squeal when it does. Then another. My breathing becomes heavy, and at first, I think I have my period, but I can’t because I’m pregnant. Sitting up, the cramps don’t lessen, it just continues and now blood is flowing from me.

My hand covers my mouth and a large gasp leaves me. Dark blood is in my shower right now, and my stomach feels like it’s on fire. I have no idea what’s happening. It’s like watching something from my dreams while horror and disgust shoots through me. Trying to sit up higher, I hear the sound of it, like a tap that was left on and you can’t possibly turn it off. My hands want to shoot up and cover my ears, to block out that sound. Drip, drip.

My hands roam my body, something is missing, something has disappeared somewhere, and a part of me is lost forever. All without my consent. My voice is broken, hollow when I call his name, “Connick.” I say his name loudly but without yelling. I hear his footsteps, he opens the door, looking in, seeing me bent over in the tub with the shower still on. He takes a step further in, and I can tell that’s when he sees the blood. His eyes go wild, he looks around then back to me, grabbing a towel. He works fast. The shower is off, and I’m picked up within seconds. He walks me to my bed, places me on it then disappears. I hear his voice, calling someone, but don’t see him. Even after I know he’s hung up, I don’t see him.

Did he work it out?

Does he think less of me now?

Even though I don’t understand what’s just happened.

I know what did happen.

I’ve just lost my baby. One I didn’t even know I wanted.

And he can’t even be in the same room as me now.