I’ve been hurt, it feels like a never-ending cycle, one that’s done with for good now. I’ll never see Derrick’s face again, never be hurt by his hand again. My hands shake all the way home, and my stomach screams with pain. I can still feel the knife digging in ever so slowly. It was like he wanted to take his time, carve me without permanently damaging me. Lifting my shirt when I come to a stop, the bandage Connick put on is filled with blood. Surface wounds bleed more or, so I am told. Is it possible for me to live a normal life? One not filled with demons and evil men. Is it possible for me to be happy without those that had once cared for me and were destined to hurt me?

All the men around me have inflicted pain in one way or another. Derrick with his actions, Connick with his words. They hurt the most, they’ve struck me the most. I could see his worry tonight as he looked at me, I could see his anger as his fists came down hard on Derrick’s face. It was pure anger, I’ve never seen him like that before. I know he’s not a calm man, one with no hidden demons. He has them, of that I’m sure. But he tells me, lays it all bare when I confront him, he just doesn’t give it willingly.

Walking into my house, my eyes track to the bathroom, the same one that took a part of me. It hurts my heart to think of it, and the things it does to my soul are unimaginable.

My life started moving forward, I felt it. Then it got dragged back again tonight. I was working, doing something that actually brought me enjoyment. I finally had some peace with Connick. It was a good few weeks until tonight. Now, I need time to mend, because I’m coming first. I have said it to him and I mean it.

I start cleaning, it’s the only thing I can do to try and clear my mind. It hurts every time I bend to scrub something. Actually, it hurts almost every time I move, but I don’t care, the pain is a reminder that I’m still alive and breathing. My hands shake with every movement I make, my heart beats out of my chest with every breath I take, but I need this. Closing my eyes, I try my hardest to calm that heart of mine. The cleaning is helping distract me from what the world is doing or what’s going on around me. And before I know it, I’ve smashed a vase on my counter, and tears are dripping down my face. The cuts on my stomach are aching. Everything hurts.

Then I take another breath, trying to push it all back. Now it’s all finally over for me, this is peace, I should be happy that I am no longer there with him. I wish my body knew that.

Time goes fast, so fast that soon my house is spotless. I’ve cleaned everything. Placed my mother’s photos from her in my box, in my closet. One day I will burn that box and the memories it holds, but right now I’m not ready. Laying on my bed with the sun shining through, I sleep, letting the demons in. With wet cheeks, a sore stomach and a broken heart, I sleep.

* * *

My bed has been good to me, two days’ worth of good to me. My wounds are healing, and I can move without scorching pain ripping through me now. I haven’t turned my cell on, I haven’t answered the door when people have come to bang on it. The only person I called was my boss, who didn’t expect me in for a few days anyway as he had no bookings. He told me to take the week off, but I need to get out.

As I move to open the front door, there are two things on my step—my camera, and roses. Picking them both up, I place the roses inside and take my camera with me. Harlin’s house isn’t too far from mine, and I’m glad to see her bike parked out front when I arrive. Knocking on her door, a man answers wearing only jeans, his chest is completely covered in tattoos, his hair blond as well as his beard. He scratches his junk as he stands in front of me and his eyes wander up and down.

“What do you want?”

“Is Harlin here?”

He looks behind him and then his eyes come back to me. “She’s preoccupied.” His smile is mischievous.

“Oh okay, can you tell her Milanka stopped by, please.” Looking at him one more time to make sure he understood, I turn to walk away.

“Tart.” Her voice comes through the door. I turn, and there she is, naked, smiling and leaning on the man that’s still watching me.

“You’re busy, I can come back.” I wave her off.

She shakes her head. “No, come in, I’ve finished.” She laughs and walks back inside, the man stands in the doorway blocking my way as I go to follow her. His eyes stick to mine, and for a moment I think he’s going to say to something, then he moves to the side to let me pass, but not far enough away so I have to touch him when I walk in. Harlin sits on her couch with her legs crossed and pulls on a shirt.

“I stopped by your house yesterday, you didn’t answer.”

“I was sleeping.”

Her head drops to the side as she smirks at me. “I call bullshit. You do this thing where you like to hide. Don’t deny it.”

“I’m good at hiding.”

“You are.” She lights a smoke, leaning back and turning on the television. “Want to get drunk?”

I start to shake my head, then I stop. “Sure.” She hands me something in a glass bottle she’s pulled from the fridge, and I place it at my lips, drink a sip and almost spit it back out.

“You haven’t tasted beer before?” Her eyebrows raise in suspicion.

“I haven’t drunk before.”

“You have to be kidding me. Really? Is it because of your mother? I met her once, she loved the drugs.” Nodding my head, she smiles. “You’re nothing like her. Don’t think because you want to indulge in the pleasures of life you’ll end up like her. If we all thought that, I would be a good Christian girl.”

“Your parents were Christians?”

“Yep, and not the good kind either. The ones that like to mark your skin and think everything you do is an act of sin.”

“Are they, well… are they alive?”

“I haven’t killed them, no. Yes, they’re still live. I haven’t spoken to them, though, in a very long time.”

Taking another sip, I try not to spit it back out.

“Who do you have to support you?”

“Why would I need anyone?”

“We all need someone.”

Her lips form a straight line. “How long has it been… before Connick did you have someone, Milanka?”

“I don’t have Connick.”

She clucks her tongue at me. “Lies. You have him, and it confuses you. Because he was not loyal. And now that he is loyal, you aren’t used to loyal.”

“I tried before the lies took hold.”

“Yes, I know, but don’t you think you have punished him enough? I’m not here to say you should take him back if that’s not what you wish to do. I’m just telling you to make up your fucking mind.”

Taking another sip, I almost drink the rest of the bottle in one go. She hands me another and has one for herself. The man comes in and sits next to Harlin, touching her bare thighs.

“Your friend come to join us?”

Harlin looks at me and smiles at my state of panic. “No. You can also fuck off now, too.”

“Our fun isn’t over yet.”

She pushes him off her, and he stands swearing at her as he walks to the front door.

“So let’s have some fun.” She turns on her music and opens another beer, drinking it faster than the one before that. I try to do the same, but can’t stomach the taste of it. Two and a half are all I can manage to drink before I feel the full effects it has on me. Harlin is dancing around the room still partially naked as I try to stand. It’s dark by the time she stops dancing.

We hear a knocking sound and Harlin runs to the door, opens it, then comes back to continue her dancing. She doesn’t stop as Connick walks in, doesn’t stop when he sits down next to me. My body wants to turn toward him, to touch him.

“You’re attracted to her wildness, aren’t you?” His voice is still loud even over the music as he speaks to me.

“Her truth.” I turn back to look to Harlin and watch her dance and the way she moves. Another song comes on and I can still feel his eyes on me. Turning, I watch him staring, and I don’t know what to say.

“How are you healing?”

Before I can answer him, Harlin pulls me up by my arms as I’m staring at him with the answer on my lips, but nothing comes so I go with her. We dance in her living room like I used to see the teenagers do at Derrick’s parties. They always looked so carefree and like they were having fun. It’s exactly like that, except I have the eyes of a man, a very handsome man, a very powerful man, watching my every move.

“Connick, show her your moves.”

My hands are on my hips, but they become replaced by his. I know Connick’s touch, I have it memorized. Our bodies connect, my back to his front, his hands cover my hips, being careful to not touch my stomach as he holds me and rocks his hips back and forth. His touch does things to me that shouldn’t be happening. I haven’t wanted sex for quite some time now. Not just due to what’s happened to me, but because I’m scared of what it will do to me.

Will it take me straight back to that person I was?

The addiction for it was so strong, I think it could be worse than any other drug on this planet.

My addiction to Connick is out of this world.

“I’ve missed you.” His voice is raspy in my ear. “You’re drinking. Why are you drinking?”

I ignore his question, turning around, so our bodies are even closer, front to front.

His hands clasp my ass as he squeezes. “I’ve missed you,” he says again. I nod my head into his chest and let my hands roam up and down his perfect suit, feeling all of him underneath it. How could I have possibly stayed away, it’s a stupid thing to do. He’s my weakness, as much as I am his.

“If you’re going to fuck, please get a room. Unless you want me to join.” Harlin’s laugh follows her words as Connick growls in my ear.

“I have missed you, too,” I whisper to him, while ignoring Harlin.

“You will come back with me… live with me.”

It’s not a question, but I feel the need to answer him anyway. “Yes.” Pulling away, I look him dead in the eye. “Space didn’t really happen, did it?” I want to laugh, I asked for it after all. Yet, here I am in his arms.

“I’m the last person you need space from, you will always be number one to me Milanka, remember that.”

He starts to pull me away from Harlin and toward the door. I turn back to her, waving as she gives me the finger then laughs as I’m picked up and carried out the door.

“Fuck all night… for me,” Harlin’s loud voice comes through.

“Go to fucking sleep, Harlin,” Connick’s voice booms over me. A laugh leaves my mouth as he holds me up around my ass, careful not to put any pressure on my stomach. I wonder if he knows he’s doing it, being so careful without any knowledge of doing so.