ON ITS surface, the party held in my honor by Aurora was a rousing success. As soon as I vacated my seat at Allison’s table, it was impossible to find my way back to resume our conversation. Many of the firm’s longtime clients popped in to meet me in person as did some prospective clients. The local press approached me for interviews, and Kathleen and Robert both appeared to be in good spirits. But I found it difficult to enjoy any level of triumph, knowing that Allison sat nearby, unattended and disappointed.
She had asked me to find a way to leave the party as soon as possible, but once again her request went unheeded. Three hours after her confrontation, we drove home in separate vehicles. I rode in absolute silence, allowing my thoughts to race unchecked. When we opened the door to our house, I was relieved that Heide wasn’t there to greet us. I was no fool. Allison had rebuffed my romantic yearnings for months, and tonight she had ample reason to turn me away again.
As I locked the front door, she strode through the living room and down the hallway straight to our bedroom. I was a coward and dipped into the kitchen for a glass of water. I couldn’t corral my fleeting thoughts, and the lack of focus fueled my irritation. I needed to reconnect with her, but I couldn’t conceive of how. I waited in the kitchen and stared at my empty drinking glass, seeking inspiration.
It never arrived, and so I wandered to our bedroom, hoping a good night’s rest would refresh us both. From my vantage point in the hallway, I could see Allison sitting on her corner of the mattress closest to the door. I only got one foot across the threshold of the master bedroom before she stopped me.
“I don’t want you in here tonight,” she said.
“Allison—” I began my apology, but she cut me off.
“I mean it, Jack. I’m furious.”
“You don’t sound furious.” I said this with frank curiosity, because it was the truth. I’d never seen her so calm during an argument.
“Well, I am. And not just about today.”
“No?”
She shook her head. dropping her eyes to the carpet. “I’m angry about every day I’ve known you.”
I had no counter for her statement. We both knew she was being honest. My silence must have surprised her because she lifted her head and met my gaze as she rose from the bed.
“I gave up everything I had to make this marriage work. You can’t even give me one afternoon.”
I was chagrined and sulking. “I didn’t miss the appointment on purpose.”
“I don’t care why you missed it. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t change the fact that you couldn’t be bothered to remember it in the first place.”
Allison paced the room while I continued to stand halfway in and halfway out the bedroom door.
“I’ve left everything behind since I married you,” she reiterated. “My career. My own family. My friends. Everything. I left it all to move across the country to a place I don’t even know. And you know what, Jack?”
“What?”
“The more you force me to examine my life and ask myself why I’ve done such crazy things, the more I realize I only did it for Heide. Not for me. Not for you. And certainly not for this pathetic marriage we’ve managed to trap ourselves in.”
I thrust my hands into my pockets and shifted in place. She’d told me not to enter the bedroom, but I knew walking away from her wasn’t the answer, either. “I have my faults,” I concurred. “I’ve caused a lot of damage over the years. You deserve better than me.”
Allison stopped marching and sat back down on the mattress. She rested her elbows on her knees and dropped her face into the palms of her hands, but she didn’t cry. The silence dragged on, with only the sound of our anxious breathing filling the room. I had to remind myself we were fighting, because this argument was unlike any I’d had with Allison.
She resumed the conversation, albeit with her face still buried in her hands. “I’m so exhausted. Aren’t you tired of this life?”
“I don’t want to give up.”
Allison chortled, causing me to wince. “That I know all too well. But at the same time, you don’t want to change.”
I straightened my posture in defiance. “I don’t think that’s a fair statement.”
“No?”
“I’m not foolish enough to claim I haven’t made mistakes. But Heide and you are my family.”
“You’re a decent man. But you have never been the husband I dreamed about.”
“I know that. I’m sorry.”
“We aren’t right for each other.”
“I can do better,” I protested, but even I heard the halfhearted nature of its delivery.
Allison’s head whipped up and she cast me a scornful look.
“Please,” she implored me. “Do us a favor and stop trying to convince yourself to save face. We both need to accept that this marriage is one long mistake.”
Allison’s choice of words stung. “How can you ask that?” I demanded in a pained tone. “Nothing where Heide is concerned will ever be a mistake to me.”
She blinked hard at my rebuttal and lifted a finger to wipe a stray tear from her eye. “That’s not what I meant. Heide is the light of my life and yours. You love her with your whole heart.”
“I do.”
Allison nodded with a sorrowful expression. “So do I. But truthfully, Jack. When was the last time you told me you loved me? I want you to think about when you last said the words to me. More importantly, when was the last time you told yourself that you loved me?”
It was a poignant question. And one I had no response for. The moments dragged as I tried to recall a recent declaration, and Allison was merciful when she could have exploded. It was an extraordinary moment.
“That’s why I can’t sleep next to you right now. We both have a lot of thinking to do.”
Defeated, I gestured to the pillows on my side of the bed and stepped into the room to retrieve one. “I’ll grab a blanket from Heide’s room,” I mumbled.
Allison held still, not even turning her head to watch me.
Within a few minutes I’d stretched out on the living room sofa, but sleep eluded me over that long night.
The next morning, Allison exited her room at her regular time. She found me sitting on the couch because I’d long since given up trying to rest. At her appearance, I stood up and made my way into the kitchen.
The calm between us was still intact as I brewed a pot of coffee. It was only after we each had our own cup in hand that we resumed our conversation.
“I need more time to think,” she began. “Everything that happens from this point on has to be strongly considered. For Heide’s sake.”
“All right,” I agreed. “What do you need from me?”
“I called my sister. I asked if I could go visit her for a couple of weeks.”
“Back to Baltimore?”
Allison nodded but refused to look at me.
“Okay,” I breathed out. “What about Heide?”
The mention of our daughter’s name brought an immediate tear to Allison’s eye. She wiped it away. “She just started school. She’s settling in here. Don’t you think?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll only be gone a few weeks. I need the space to clear my head. It wouldn’t be fun for her. She’s better off staying here.”
“I can take care of her.”
“I know. You two will be fine. If I had to leave her with anyone else, I wouldn’t consider doing this.” Satisfied, she rose from the kitchen table to make her way back to the bedroom.
I stood and followed her from a cautious distance. “Allison?”
She turned to face me, her exhaustion on full display.
“When you come back, there will be no more fuck-ups. I mean it.”
I recognized her familiar expression of reserved disappointment as it took hold. She’d heard me say similar words many times over the years. I was forcing her to consider them once again and that was when I saw something different—a newfound determination. I believed in my own words, but Allison was no longer interested in holding me accountable to such delusions of grandeur.
I could see it. She was beginning the slow, painful process of our separation and she didn’t want to entertain any ideas that might convince her that returning to Maryland wasn’t the best alternative for her well-being.
She’d made up her mind. She was leaving. And soon.