I’D LOST track of the number of times I’d worried about Kathleen. It had been terrible enough when she left to spend a weekend interviewing for another job in Colorado. I’d almost succumbed to a public meltdown when she didn’t reappear at work after three days. With only a single text message between us, another four days had drifted by in agonizing slowness. That one conversation wasn’t enough.
Now, Tracie had stunned me by mentioning Kathleen’s return to Bend. After Tracie’s departure, I locked myself in my office and leaned against the door. I was upset. Kathleen had come back to Oregon and hadn’t let me know. No call. No text. No e-mail. I was distraught because she had made her decision about what direction her life was going to take. The possibility that she could choose a life without me in it hovered like an oppressive cloud.
I was frustrated. Things between us were so uncertain. I was afraid to speak to her, but I missed her more with each passing hour. I wandered back to my chair, unsure about how to carry on. Soon, I found myself staring at the framed magazine cover she had given me.
The day we’d sat down together for an interview and posed for that cover shot was so far removed from recent experience. The sharpness of the moment had faded to a dreamlike quality. It was even difficult to understand that the photograph had been taken less than a year ago. So much had happened between us since that magical afternoon when I discovered her attraction to me.
I stared at that extraordinary portrait of us and sought a way to dredge back the euphoria of that day. During that photo shoot, I’d found the courage to share my affection with her. I’d shown her what was in my heart and she had accepted me.
What would have been different had I kept my admiration a secret? We would have denied ourselves a passionate and emotionally intimate springtime. It was reasonable to assume that Heide’s accident would have still taken place with or without my involvement with Kathleen. What would I have done without Kathleen’s love and attention to see me through that awful summer? She had brought me peace no one else could have. Her love had kept me strong during the biggest crisis of my life. She had done everything right to earn my respect and my trust. My shame burned inside because she hadn’t been able to rely on me for the same.
No sooner had this thought drifted through my head than I knew what to do.
I reached for my phone and dialed her number. I didn’t have a plan in mind. I just wanted to hear her voice and know that, no matter what the fuck was going on between us, she was all right. I just needed her to consent to my call.
“Hello?” She sounded surprised, even though she would have recognized my number on her display.
“Hi, Kathleen.”
There was a slight pause. “Hi, Jack.”
“I know you’re back in Bend,” I said, stumbling over my next thought. “Tracie may have told me.”
“That’s all right,” she replied. “I may have wanted her to tell you.”
Her words were a revelation that unleashed a necessary surge of confidence.
“We need to talk,” I said. “Can we? I want to come over to your place, but I understand if you don’t want to see me. I’ll settle for this phone call as long as you’ll talk to me.”
“I want to see you. But I’m nervous to say yes.”
I shook my head. “You should never be anxious to see me.”
Kathleen sighed into the phone. It wasn’t a sound of exasperation. It was more like sadness. “I want to see you, and I want to hold you.” Kathleen sniffled. “If I wrap my arms around you, I don’t know if I’ll be able to let you go.”
I grinned. We were making progress in our negotiation. I looked out my window, making sure something mysterious hadn’t happened to my car. “I’d like that. Very much.”
“Leave work now,” Kathleen instructed with determination. “I’ll unlock the door. Just come in.”
“You’ll wait for me?”
I needed her to say the word.
“Yes.”
“I’m on my way.”
When I entered Kathleen’s condo, it took a Herculean effort not to burst through the door.
My patience was rewarded, however, when I discovered her standing in the small foyer. She was waiting for me just as she’d promised.
My eyes dropped to her rosy lips as I pushed the door shut behind me. Two steps into her apartment, and we wrapped our arms around one another in frantic reunion.
“Jack—” she began but I interrupted her.
“Wait,” I pleaded as my hands tangled in her hair. “Just wait. Forget logic and forget heartache and let me kiss you.”
She pulled me in. When our lips met, our mouths opened, and she whimpered. I didn’t break our contact. I was incapable of doing any such thing.
With my mouth drifting along hers, I said, “Don’t pull away.” I thrust my tongue between her lips before drawing it back just enough to say, “Be strong. Stay right here. Like this.”
We were kissing for the first time since that god-awful fight in her father’s apartment in Portland, and I basked in the glory of this triumph.
“I think about you all the time,” I confessed. I dropped my hands from her hair and ran them up and down her sides, delighting in the familiar territory of her soft and curvy body. “I dream about you at night and fantasize about you during the day.”
She slowed her agitated movements but didn’t pull away. She opened her eyes and watched me. Her look of concern was enough to end the kiss, but I didn’t let her go and I didn’t pull back. I pressed my forehead to hers and held her in my embrace.
“What is it?” I asked. “What are you afraid of?”
“I don’t want you to hate me,” she admitted. “I can’t stand the thought. I need you, even if we can’t be together anymore. I can’t let you go.” She made a valiant attempt to hide her emotions, but her eyes conveyed her fear.
I ran a gentle hand through her hair, trying to soothe her anxieties. “I don’t know why I matter so much to you,” I said as my eyes scanned her dear face.
“Why would you ever say that?”
“Because I have a terrible record and not just with you. I’ve never been able to keep a woman happy.”
At this, she dropped her gaze, and distress began to take hold.
I placed a finger underneath her chin and lifted it, so she would see my determination. “You’re more precious to me than anyone other than Heide.”
“Even though I went to Colorado?”
The pain in her voice tangled around my heart like a persistent vine. A dull ache filled my chest. “Yes, and you mean so much to me, and yet I’ve still managed to hurt you terribly. Look at where we are. You’re willing to leave everything you’ve ever known to put space between us. To shield yourself from the pain I’ve caused you. I hate that, but I could never hate you.”
She brought a shaking but gentle hand to my cheek. I hadn’t been mindful of my professional appearance since she’d been out of town, and my face had more stubble than she was used to. I reveled in her temporary fascination with the roughness.
“You know this is more complicated than that,” she said even as she continued to stroke my face.
“I do. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to give you what you need to make the right decisions for you and your future.” I leaned in for one quick peck on the lips, seeking some of her bravery. “I’ve spent my entire life thinking I know how to fix things, but the truth is I’m awful at it. I’m not going to do that this time. But I won’t lie. I’m scared, and I want to keep kissing you because your touch gives me the strength to move forward.”
And here was the essence of my being. Without Kathleen’s loving heart and body to nourish me, I was wilting. Kissing her was dangerous, for while our physical connection fueled my hope, I also knew this could be the last time she opened herself to me. I moved in one last time, savoring her mouth, lips and tongue just as I was mourning their inevitable retreat. When we broke apart, I took her hand and sought a place to talk.
Avoiding the sofa where we’d had sex, we sat down at her small dining room table. She sat across from me, not next to me. One quick look at the table’s surface confirmed something important. It was set in a way that was pristine. Although well-designed, it was clear that she never ate a meal here. The table was nothing more than a decoration. I attempted to take comfort in the idea that she was unlikely to sit here in the future and recall this moment. Such a possibility was a minuscule consolation.
With unsteady hands, I reached into my suit and pulled out three cardboard coasters. They’d been sitting inside my desk since she’d presented them to me days earlier at the Chinese restaurant by our office. I set them down one at a time, placing them side by side in their correct order. They were covered in my handwriting, the words scribbled one drunken evening. Once they were out in the open, her lovely face that had flushed during our kissing was drained of color.
“I’m guessing you remember these,” I began.
She nodded and then shoved them back in my direction. “I don’t ever need to see them again. I’ve reread them in my mind too many times to count. I know the words by heart,” she said, her voice trembling.
I winced. I wanted to swipe the damn things onto the floor, but instead I let them sit between us. “You aren’t one hundred percent right about these,” I explained. “But you are right to be upset by them.”
With lips delightfully swollen from our kissing, she sat up, straight and tall, preparing for an emotional sucker punch.
“If you’re ready to hear everything from me, I’m ready to tell you now.”
She nodded as she crossed her arms over her chest and avoided looking at the coasters.
Our moment of ultimate truth had arrived. This was what she had asked from me for longer than I’d been able to appreciate. I wasn’t prepared for her to kick me out of her life as soon as this awful conversation ended, but it was a possibility. I only knew I loved her enough to let her know all of me, the good as well as the bad. She deserved a man she could trust and respect. She had held me in high esteem in the early days of our relationship, so much so that even I believed in the false value of my own worth. If I was ever going to become a better man, it meant taking the ultimate risk of losing her for good. I took a deep breath, not sure how to begin. Kathleen was always so brave, and while I was anything but, I peered into her worried green eyes and asked a question.
“Do you remember how you felt when you told me about your mother?”
She wrinkled her forehead with concern. “Yes.”
“Were you afraid of my reaction?”
“Yes.”
“I’m petrified of yours.”
She stilled for a few moments and glanced around the apartment before settling her gaze on me. When she did, her expression was no longer uncertain. It was decided. She rose from her chair and extended her hand in my direction. This was an unexpected invitation to touch her, and I didn’t hesitate. I rose and wrapped my fingers around hers.
Without a single word, Kathleen led me to her spare bedroom.