ALLISON WAS gone.
Five days earlier, we’d attended my official welcome party at Aurora Advertising. I encouraged more conversation during the long weekend before she left. Allison held her ground. She wouldn’t commit to staying in the marriage, but she hadn’t declared that our reconciliation was impossible. She’d left for Maryland on Monday morning with a promise to come back with a plan. She’d left me with just enough hope to keep the peace between us.
I stood in the middle of the living room, alone. I wondered how to go on with the rest of my life, but the answers were evasive. After a few minutes, the silence in both my house and my mind was more than I could handle.
I went to work and attended the firm’s weekly staff meeting. I fielded congratulations from coworkers and clients alike on the success of the reception. The night was a professional triumph, but a personal failure. Feigning enthusiasm for the team was an overwhelming task, but I managed to get through the day without drawing any unwanted attention to my growing anxiety.
Allison and Heide were never far from my thoughts. My marriage was on the line, and I was adamant that no one at work knew this. I wasn’t going to utter a word about our family troubles while I still harbored optimism that my relationship with Allison could be salvaged.
With each passing minute, Allison was moving farther away from us both. As the day progressed, I grew more apprehensive to see my daughter. I wondered how their farewell had gone that morning. Had Heide been upset? Had she watched her mother’s car as it drove out of sight? Was she as distracted at school as I was at work?
I returned home that evening, aware that Allison’s plane was about to touch down in Baltimore. Was she relieved to be back in Maryland? Was she feeling secure in her decision to leave Heide in my care? Was she thinking about me as much as I was thinking about her? Was she going to share the secret of our failing marriage with her family?
Heide’s sitter brought her home soon after I texted my arrival. I invited Lydia and her daughter inside for a few minutes to chat and finalize our babysitting plans for the rest of the week. While the two girls ran off to Heide’s room for a few more minutes of play, I thanked Lydia for stepping in to help. I told her Allison had been called away to Maryland on a family matter. I studied my neighbor’s reactions to see if she knew anything about why Allison was gone. If she was aware, she masked it well.
Afterward, I occupied myself by cooking dinner. Heide had returned home in a good mood, and I was wary of disrupting it. I kept the meal simple, but as I moved through the motions of grilling chicken and preparing a garden salad, I experienced the first bit of calm during that long day. I slowed down my pace to extend the feeling, and my guard began to come down.
The house phone rang as I was setting the table. I was inclined to ignore it, but then I remembered I hadn’t heard from Allison all day. When I saw her cell phone number on the display, I answered at once.
“How are you doing?” I asked straightaway. “Are you safe?”
As I waited for Allison to respond, I heard rambunctious voices in the background. They faded away and I heard a door click into place.
“Yes,” she answered. Her voice was timid, which was unlike her. “No problems at all. Just a long day.”
“It’s late there,” I said. “I’m surprised to hear so many people on a Monday night.”
“Liz decided to throw a surprise party. Almost the whole family is here.”
Allison’s sister was always ready to host a gathering, but I worried Liz was also in the mood to celebrate my removal from the family tree. “I see.”
“It’s been nice seeing everyone, but I’m going to bed soon. I’m tired.”
Allison sounded as unenthused and awkward as I felt. I took no comfort in the thought.
“That’s probably a good idea.”
“How are you?” she asked with a tone so polite it was a social obligation. “How was your day?”
“Work was fine, but I was distracted.”
“How is Heide doing?” Here, finally, there was some emotion in Allison’s voice.
“Good. I’m just getting ready to put dinner on the table. You probably want to say hello to her. Let me get her on the line.”
“Thanks.”
“Yeah. Sure,” I mumbled. “Hold on.”
I kept the phone to my ear as I made my way to Heide’s room, but our conversation ceased. I informed Heide that her mom was on the line and handed her the phone without fanfare. Then I left the two of them to speak in private, returning to the kitchen to finish dinner preparations.
After a while, Heide jogged into the kitchen and put the receiver back on its charger base. Apparently, Allison had said enough to me for one day and I pushed down the sharp sting of resentment. The last thing I wanted to do was put Heide in a place where she was forced to take sides. There was no need for me to campaign for my daughter’s love. I already had it. There was no need to force her to choose one parent over the other, especially when our separation would only last a matter of days.
Dinner was strange, even mildly uncomfortable at the outset. Heide took her seat at the table and stared at her plateful of food.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
My daughter was staring at her food as though it was crawling with black widow spiders. She looked at me with suspicious eyes. “I didn’t know you could cook dinner.”
I sat back in my chair, incredulous. “I cook breakfast sometimes.”
“True.” Heide elongated the word as she considered my counterargument. “But that’s breakfast. Not dinner.”
I crossed my arms. “If I can cook breakfast, why is it so difficult to believe I can make dinner?”
Heide crossed her arms in reciprocation. “Dinner is more complicated.”
I laughed despite my sour mood and shook my head. “How about this?” I challenged. “Maybe tomorrow I’ll cook breakfast for dinner.”
My daughter giggled and clutched her stomach. “Don’t be silly, Dad.”
“I promise I can cook a perfectly acceptable dinner. Please give it a try.”
I gestured to her plate and watched as she picked up her fork and took an experimental taste. Satisfied, Heide dug into the meal.
“How was school today?” I asked as I took my first bite.
“Fine.”
“That’s it? Just fine?”
She nodded.
“How did things go when Mom dropped you off this morning?”
“Good. She gave me a hug and said she’d bring back a present.”
“Oh yeah?” I did my best to sound casual. “That’s nice.”
From there, our conversation moved along for the next twenty minutes. We were both aware of Allison’s absence, but neither of us brought it up again. Allison was coming back just as soon as she had a few days of rest and relaxation in familiar surroundings. If Heide could accept the situation, I needed to do the same.
When Heide went to bed, I read her a story and chatted with her some more. There was no sign she worried over her mother’s absence. She fell asleep soon after I turned off her lights. I locked up the house and retreated to my room, grabbing a book to keep me company.
Kitty Hawk followed me to bed and curled up on Allison’s empty side. I read a chapter and scratched the cat’s head while keeping an ear out for anything unusual. By the second chapter, the words blurred together on the page, which surprised me. I’d expected to be restless that first night, but the week’s exhaustion caught up to me. I set the book aside, turned off my bedside lamp and eased into a deep, dreamless sleep.
After dropping Heide off at school and stopping for coffee the following morning, I pulled into the parking lot at work. Kathleen exited her car and waved when we spotted one another. She waited for me to join her and we walked to the office building together.
“How’s it going?” she asked.
“No complaints so far. I actually slept really good.”
“You sound surprised.” Her observations were always so acute.
I hesitated to answer, not wanting to steer the conversation too personal. We were getting close to the building’s front door so I slowed to a stop and faced her.
“Have you ever had one of those nights when you thought you couldn’t possibly sleep? But then you did?”
Surprised, her demeanor shifted. She crossed her arms over her chest as though an arctic breeze had just struck. “I’ve had a few of those.”
I wondered if she could hear my heart pounding in my chest, but one look at her face told me she was deep inside her own thoughts or preparing for something unpleasant. Guilt bubbled up inside me. I hadn’t meant to make her uncomfortable.
“It’s just a relief when you wake up in the morning and you’re rested far beyond your expectations.”
Her shoulders and expression relaxed. “That’s a good thing,” she said with a nod. “I hope the rest of your day goes as well.”
“Thanks, Kathleen.”
She turned, and we resumed our walk to the office. We reached the front door together and I grabbed the handle before she could.
“Please. After you.”
She went inside without a word. I was surprised when she paused in the lobby.
“Are you happy?” she asked.
I froze in place.
She began to fidget in her high-heeled shoes. “I mean… are you happy you moved here?”
I was afraid to answer because I feared giving away everything I was determined to keep secret.
Yet again, Kathleen’s intuition kicked in to overdrive. “I’m sorry. It’s none of my business. It’s just that you said you expected to get a bad night’s sleep. I’d hate to think it’s because you’re having second thoughts about this job.” She lifted her pretty green eyes to mine.
I allowed our eye contact to linger for several significant moments. “I like my job. Very much.”
Kathleen blinked and nodded as a satisfied grin appeared. “I’m glad. Robert made the right decision choosing you, Jack. You’re good for this place.”
She went through the door to the reception area and I followed behind her.