I WANDERED through the grocery store longer than usual, searching for inspirational ingredients. I wanted to make the perfect meal for Kathleen, one that would give her nourishment and comfort. After perusing the aisles and rejecting one idea after another, I settled on a “less is more” philosophy.
I made my purchase and returned to Kathleen’s condo without delay. I entered her home as quietly as possible and was relieved she hadn’t woken from her nap. I took the groceries to the kitchen and cut up vegetables for a homemade chicken noodle soup. Once everything was simmering, I switched on the natural gas fireplace in her living room before preparing grilled cheese sandwiches.
When our meal was ready, I plated her food and set it on the kitchen counter. She woke and sat up in bed when I opened the door to her room. Without speaking a word, I offered her a bathrobe and led her by the hand to the love seat nestled close to the fireplace. Once she was settled, I returned to the kitchen to fetch our meals. Together, we sat on the small couch and focused on the coziness provided by the heat of the fire and the warmth of the food. There was no conversation. It had been a long day for us both.
Afterward, I took away the dishes and she returned to her rest. I cleaned the kitchen slowly, even though I was brimming with impatience. We’d been apart for long enough. I needed to hold her in my arms, but I wanted her to have a few minutes more to herself. I’d revealed everything to her, and she hadn’t thrown me out of her life. At least not yet. Perhaps, she only allowed me to stay in her condo because she was too exhausted to send me away.
Much had been revealed, but little had been resolved. With this understanding in mind, I went back to Kathleen’s room. She had discarded her bathrobe on the floor next to the bed. Following her lead, I removed my clothes as she watched from the center of the mattress. I turned off the bedroom lights and settled myself underneath the sheets. I pulled Kathleen to my chest with little effort. It was late, past our usual bedtime, and I was elated to hold her in my arms until morning.
I peered at the ceiling when I spoke my next words. “Just before that golf game with Robert, we talked about my father. Do you remember that?”
“Yes.”
“You told me I was a great man like him.” I shook my head. “You were wrong, but I wasn’t brave enough to tell you so.”
“I said you were a great man because you’re a wonderful father. Don’t underestimate how vital that is.”
I contemplated her words, sliding my fingers up and down the upper part of her arm. “I don’t feel great. I’d be a better father if I knew how to be a good partner. The day we made love on your sofa, I promised I would give you anything you asked of me. Instead, I broke your trust with my behavior.”
She squeezed my torso. “I don’t trust others easily. Or well. I’m trying, Jack.”
I kissed her forehead and tightened my hold on her as I recalled Robert’s words of advice: “Maybe Kathleen doesn’t know how to keep the vault door from locking any more than we do. Maybe putting some distance between the two of you keeps the door open.”
“You are trying,” I said, hoping my words would reassure her. “I’ve never met anyone like you. When you told me about what you’d been through with your parents, it made me fall more in love with you. You’re so brave. So strong.”
“You’re not the first person to say that about me, but you’re the first person who may actually convince me of it,” she said.
Within the dark confines of our surroundings, I grinned. Broadly.
“Heide is the strongest one though,” she added. “How is she? I miss her.”
“She misses you. We talked about you a couple of days ago. She’d like to see you.”
“Yeah?” She raised her head from my chest and rested her chin on her hand. She looked at my face.
I reached out and twirled a strand of her hair between my fingers. “She asked if you were still my girlfriend.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I wanted to say absolutely, of course she is,” I admitted. “But I also wanted to be honest with her. I told her we were trying to figure that out.”
She shrugged. “That’s fair.”
I dropped Kathleen’s hair to place a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I didn’t share that because I’m trying to get a commitment out of you. I don’t need you to answer the girlfriend question until you’re ready. I’m not going to put that kind of pressure on you.”
Her shoulder relaxed. “Thank you. If it makes you feel better, I don’t cuddle naked with my other friends.”
I’d never heard more hopeful words from her. “Just me?” I pressed her with an egotistical grin.
She nodded and set her head down on my chest. “I’m ready to sleep again. Is that all right?”
“Only if I can join you.”
“Yes. Please.”
The following morning, I woke up early. As was my custom, I left her to sleep just a bit longer. I showered in her master bathroom before putting on yesterday’s clothes. I gathered what few things of mine were scattered around her condo and then returned to her bedroom. When she stirred awake, I made sure I was sitting next to her on the mattress, stroking her hair.
“I have to go home and change.” She’d never understand how sorry I was to leave her side.
“Don’t want to show up in yesterday’s suit?” she teased.
She stretched and smiled and I laughed. She lifted herself up onto one elbow, closing the distance between our bodies. Her eyes drifted away from mine. She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. She’d changed her mind. Or lost her courage. The mood shifted between us. She appeared sad, and I resolved never to see her that way again. I bent down, kissing her forehead, and then her lips, cupping her cheek with a steady hand.
When her anxious green eyes met my steady brown ones, I said, “I love you.” I then whispered, “No matter what.”
“I love you, too,” she said. “No matter what.”
“You need to speak to Robert first.”
She stared at me with an uncertain look.
“Get ready for work. Go to the office, and talk to your father,” I reiterated. “Tell him what needs to be said. Then come and talk to me.”
Her expression morphed from nervous to determined. She nodded, so I stood up and left her condo.