I DON’T remember how long I stared at the dresser drawer that once held Kathleen’s lingerie. But it was a while.
Eventually, I left my bedroom to join my ex-wife and our daughter for dinner. I went through the motions of the mealtime ritual, but my thoughts and concerns about Kathleen distracted me. I hadn’t heard if she’d arrived in Denver and was aware of her absence.
Despite our strained relationship, it was comforting to know I could see her at the office. As painful as our growing separation was, I’d held out hope for us. Since returning to work, I’d planned to seize every opportunity to nurture our love and find a way back into her arms. But now that she had gone to Colorado, there was nothing to look forward to.
I left my untouched dinner on the plate. I offered Allison an expression of regret and packed up my uneaten food for lunch the following day. I helped with the dishes, and when there was nothing left to do, I stepped outside and took a seat on the swinging bench I’d once shared with Kathleen.
At the beginning of the summer, we’d sat in this spot together and talked about Allison. I remembered with heartache how Kathleen promised me she would never interfere with my family. She never wanted to cause trouble between Allison and me. As far as I was concerned, Kathleen had kept her promise. The reason I was sitting there alone was because I hadn’t followed her example.
I leaned forward, placing my elbows on my knees and resting my face in my palms. I missed Kathleen. I’d missed her for weeks, but with her away from Bend, I no longer felt whole. I worried she was gone for good. I hadn’t experienced fear like this since the day of Heide’s accident. I hadn’t grieved like this since my father died. I didn’t know how to win Kathleen back, but I didn’t want to live the rest of my life without her.
“Jack?” Allison’s soft voice at the same moment she rested a light hand on my shoulder startled me. Consumed in my own emotions, I hadn’t noticed her approach. I sat bolt upright and realized I was crying. It wasn’t something I was prone to, and I brushed a hand over my eyes to remove the evidence.
Allison sat next to me, angling her body toward mine. When I dropped my hand back to my lap, she cradled it in her own. It was a touch, a fit, I remembered well. It wasn’t the hand I was desperate to hold; nevertheless Allison’s offer of comfort was welcome.
We sat still, adjusting to the moment. I couldn’t make eye contact with her. Instead, I distracted myself by looking at the recognizable outline of the Big Dipper.
“What’s the matter?” she finally asked.
I hesitated to answer.
“Please,” she persisted. “Let me help. Don’t shut me out anymore.”
I blinked, thinking of my past actions and Kathleen’s need to secure a peaceful future.
“It’s Kathleen,” I confessed while continuing to watch the stars. “I’ll understand if she’s the last person you want to talk about.”
“Will things be all right between the two of you?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Last weekend was the first time I’d seen her since we were in Portland.”
I looked at Allison. “Where did you see her?”
“Here. She drove you to the house. You were drunk, so I asked her to take you to her place until you sobered up.”
“Oh? I don’t remember that.”
“You were passed out in her car, so that’s not surprising.” Allison’s grip on my hand tightened just a bit.
I waited to hear what she would reveal next.
“She asked me why I left you.”
“What did you tell her?”
“Nothing, because the question means one of two things. You either haven’t told her why, or she doesn’t trust the information you gave her. Knowing you the way I do, I’m certain it’s both.”
I thought long and hard about Allison’s conclusion. If there was anyone capable of understanding both my mind and Kathleen’s, it was my ex-wife. I looked at her and took the leap of faith.
“She thinks I want you back.”
Allison leaned back as confusion flashed across her face. “Who gave her that idea?”
“Me.”
Allison’s eyes grew wide. “You?”
“I fucked-up.”
Allison eyed me with caution. “I’m not here to stay, Jack.”
“I know that,” I assured her. “You belong in Maryland. And I belong here.”
“With Kathleen?”
“I hope so, but nothing is certain right now.”
Allison nodded. “I’ve been thinking about her a lot. Objectively. What she’s done for Heide. For you. For me. I should have been more grateful. I fucked-up, too.”
We looked at one another, and Allison’s grin was returned with one of my own. The silent exchange was filled with acknowledgement and significance.
Allison swallowed. “I’d like to go to lunch with her. Try to make up for some of the things I’ve said and done. I’d like to help you fix this with her. Do you think she’d let me apologize?”
I smiled at her offer. The moment was bittersweet. “I know she would, but she’s not here.”
“Where is she?”
I sighed as a new wave of heartache crashed inside me. “Colorado. She’s thinking of moving there.”
“What? Why?” Allison’s disbelief reflected my own.
“Because I fucked-up.” I rose from the bench seat and began to pace around the fire pit. Allison watched me complete several laps.
“You know, I’ve only seen you cry one other time.”
Her unexpected declaration calmed my restless spirit. I halted and smiled in her direction. “The day Heide was born.”
Allison beamed with motherly pride. “You were a goner from the moment they placed her in your arms.”
“Heide is the greatest gift I will ever receive. I told Kathleen once that raising her will be a legacy of our time together. I wasn’t a good husband to you, and I am sorry for that. I hope I can make up for my mistakes by being a good father to Heide.”
“You’re an excellent father. You once talked about having another baby. Maybe someday Kathleen can give you another child.”
My smile disappeared as I shook my head. “She can’t have children, but that doesn’t matter to me. I just hope she’ll decide to stay here. Maybe she’ll give me another chance.”
“I used to wonder why I wasn’t your soul mate.”
“I’m sorry, Allison.”
“We both made mistakes. We both thought we would reach a point where we couldn’t live without one another, but we never had that. We were both naïve. I see how deeply you love her. Now, I know. I’m not your soul mate because she is.”
I fell silent. I didn’t know how to respond to her revelation.
Allison rose up from the bench and made her way to the back door. Just before she stepped into the kitchen, she paused. “Heide’s doing so well, don’t you think?”
“Yes.” I swallowed numerous emotions in one large gulp. “It feels like a miracle.”
Allison offered me a generous smile. “If you speak to Kathleen, let her know that Heide misses her. That she’s been asking why Kathleen hasn’t come over to visit. If it will help anything, let her know how much better Heide is. Tell her that I’m thinking about going back to Baltimore soon.”
“Are you?”
She nodded. “It’s odd. The idea of leaving her here should make me sad, but I’m not. I’m elated because Heide is alive and healing. We could have lost her.”
“We almost did.”
“But we didn’t.” Allison squared her shoulders. “The emergency is over now. We made certain agreements when we broke up, agreements about how we were going to raise Heide. Tell Kathleen it’s almost time for us to go back to what we planned.”