NOT LONG after Kathleen disappeared from the holiday party, I sought out Robert. He was holding court with a small crowd, so I waited my turn. I rehearsed my greeting in my head and when the time came, I stuck to the script word for word. I thanked him for his hospitality and wished him a happy holiday. We engaged in small talk for a few moments, and it took everything I had not to ask for the whereabouts of his daughter.
Kathleen’s abrupt departure had rattled me, and my unease compounded when it became clear that her father was undisturbed. He was in a festive mood with no cares in the world. When Robert clapped me on the shoulder and broke away to speak with another colleague, I made my quiet exit from the Brighton mansion. As I waited for my car, I searched the visible grounds of the property in vain. It was foolish to think she would be standing anywhere outside the house, but I looked for her just the same.
When I pulled into my driveway, it wasn’t even ten o’clock on a Friday. I had the night to myself, and it was the first time I’d been alone in the house since moving to Bend. Although I hadn’t made any elaborate plans beyond attending the company party, it was disappointing to be back home so early on my night off from parenting. I shook my head and grinned as I emptied the contents of my pockets onto the coffee table, wondering what had happened to the days when I’d stay out until dawn. Even so, I was glad to have some time to myself.
Kitty Hawk greeted me with a happy chirp and followed me to the bedroom when I called her name. She ran past me, leaping up to take her usual spot on the corner of the bed. Now that winter was here, she always chose the spot of the bed closest to the wall heater. She was getting older and slept better with an extra bit of nearby warmth. She stretched out all four legs on the mattress and settled in for what was probably her tenth nap of the day. I gave her a quick scratch underneath her chin before undressing for bed.
With Allison’s persistence over the years, I’d grown accustomed to sleeping in my boxer briefs. Now, as the only parent Heide could rely on in the middle of the night, I accepted the responsibility of doing so without a grudge. But this evening, the gesture wasn’t a necessity. Seeking to claim some wildness in my resurrected life as a single man, I stripped away my underwear, turned down the lights and slid underneath the covers.
My body temperature was running warm, and the cool sheets felt good against my skin. I settled on my back and pulled one leg out from underneath the blankets. My eyes closed as I allowed my mind to wander. Within seconds, all thoughts returned to Kathleen. As I pictured her lovely face, every part of my body tingled with anticipation. I didn’t want to stop thinking about her and the effect she was having on me, which was a good thing because I simply couldn’t stop myself.
Although my arousal lingered from my earlier fantasy, I was also concerned. Our working relationship had started out warm. But in the weeks since Allison had left me, Kathleen had also become moody and guarded. I wasn’t arrogant enough to believe the turmoil of my personal life was now harming hers, but I found the alignment of our individual turbulences a fascinating coincidence.
My observations of her at the party bothered me. I didn’t have to know her well to see she was intensely sad. I’d seen many of her moods in the short time I’d known her, but this was different. Something must have happened, but whatever it is was unique to her. It hadn’t touched her father. Or upset anyone else at the party other than me.
I was worried. I wanted to seek her out, but I didn’t know where she lived. I wanted to look into her eyes, hear her voice and look for any clues about her emotional state. I wanted to tell her I would listen to anything she wanted to share. I wanted to offer words of comfort and be someone she could count on for support.
I rolled onto my side with a sigh and found myself facing the empty side of my large bed. I imagined Kathleen lying next to me. I was naked and wasn’t ashamed to be. But I pictured her wearing one of my Orioles jerseys. The black one with orange lettering would be an alluring contrast against her pale skin. I wanted her clothed in this fantasy, and my favorite piece of Baltimore would look fantastic on her.
I held on to the image, waiting for awkwardness to overtake me while my eyes adjusted to the darkness. Thinking about Kathleen Brighton in my bed was dangerous for multiple reasons, but it didn’t feel that way. On the contrary, the idea wasn’t just appealing, it was inspired. The more I enhanced my vision, the happier and calmer I became.
Soft and intimate words danced though my imagination, but no matter how hard I tried to figure out why she was so upset, or how much I offered my advice, our conversation was limited to the few things I knew about her. The imaginary discussion stalled, but I wasn’t ready to let the moment go. Instead, I changed tactics and pictured myself reaching out to move my fingers through her bangs, smoothing them away from her forehead. How nice it would be to touch her hair, her skin, and not have her question my reasons for doing so. I basked in the warmth of that promise.
As my own mood improved, I pictured her bashful smile replacing her despair earlier that evening. I saw that lovely grin of hers and couldn’t stop my own from answering. It had been quite a while since I’d seen that smile at the office, and I wanted it to return.
Earlier in the evening, I’d thought about Kathleen with an insatiable lust. Hours later, I was still aroused—erect once more and alone. I could reach down and satisfy my physical urges without the possibility of interruption. I wouldn’t have to lock myself away or rush. I could just lie there, thinking of Kathleen clad only in my baseball jersey, and take as much time as I wanted. The thought was tempting, but then my concern for her returned to the forefront of my thoughts. I yearned to offer her emotional pleasure, and just like that my sexual gratification became secondary.
What could I do for Kathleen that would make a difference?
When she had communicated her offense at Robert’s decision to have me co-lead one of her signature projects, I’d experienced my own knee-jerk reaction. Stunned by her resentment and later withdrawal, I’d since reacted in a similar manner, convincing myself that I had enough going on in my life without taking on her issues.
I sat up, drawing my knees to my chest and running my hand through my hair. I glanced at the other side of the bed, unsurprised to see Kathleen’s mirage had faded away. I’d allowed my blossoming friendship with her to wilt just like I’d neglected my relationship with Allison. It was premature in more ways than not to compare the two, but at the same time I could see that I was falling back into old habits. The realization was disturbing.
I’d offered words to Kathleen that day in the break room, assuring her of my support on the upcoming event, but I hadn’t done much to back up that statement. I couldn’t articulate it at the time, but I needed things to be different. Going forward, I needed to be more respectful. I wanted this for myself as well as for my daughter. I didn’t know what the future held for me, but it began by making sure I followed through on this first promise.
It wouldn’t be easy though. I would have to move forward with care, considering my actions in advance. I didn’t have the luxury of acting on impulse. My attraction to Kathleen Brighton could easily be unrequited, but I had to accept that I was past the point of no return. I needed to be careful with her, but that didn’t mean I shouldn’t offer my absolute support.
I would do what I could to alleviate her misery. I never wanted to see that look of sadness on her face again.