There’s no purging myself of this pain that’s rotting in my gut. It’s been three days since she cracked my soul with her goodbye. I stood in the sand and watched her walk away from me as rivers ran down my face.
Nothing has ever hurt as much as this—but it isn’t just her breaking up with me, it’s the why. She couldn’t say it. She wouldn’t admit it. I couldn’t even say the words myself, the words that have been aching in the pit of my stomach for a while now.
I know her truth because the same shadows, the same pain and humiliation, that lingers in my eyes some days has been festering in hers. I’ve told the same lies, I’ve had the same nightmares, and I’ve done the same dance of withdrawal.
I sit on the edge of my bed and stare at the hole I put in the wall the other night when I couldn’t stop thinking about what we are both so afraid to speak aloud. It’s an intolerable agony that gnaws at my bones when I picture some motherfucker touching her—hurting her. I can’t even imagine how badly she’s suffering, and here I am, helpless and unwanted. I couldn’t say it, though. Say what we both know.
We were both hanging by a withered thread, and I was terrified that one wrong move would send her running.
She ran anyway.
It’s killing me that she won’t let me take care of her. I’d rip my goddamn heart out of my chest for that girl.
She’s my everything, but she won’t even let me try to pick up her pieces. I’ve been shoved to the side, but I won’t give up that easily. I’ve given her these past few days, hoping that the distance will help clear her head a little, but I can’t go on another day without her. I’m worried sick about her.
I decide not to text her because it would be too easy for her to ignore, so I hop in my car and drive over to the dorms. I hate to barge in and intrude where she may not want me to, but she’s buried so far inside herself, cowering so deeply in fear, that I’m afraid she’ll shut me out entirely if I don’t push a little.
I park, and with each step I take, the urgency to hold her, console her, and heal her multiplies to exorbitant measures. I’m so fucking pissed and, at the same time, so damn sad. I’m worried about her, scared for her, heartbroken in the worst way imaginable. I want to find the fucker who did this to her and kill him with my bare hands. I want to rip and claw his skin apart, break every bone in his body. One hole in my bedroom wall isn’t enough. I want to tear this world apart, seeking vengeance for what was done to Adaline.
When I approach her dorm, every nerve ending inside me is on fire, and I just need to have her in my arms.
I knock, and when the door opens, Lana stands in front of me.
“Is Adaline here?”
Her brows furrow. “You don’t know?”
“Know what?” I push my hand against the door and force it open, only to see that half the room is empty—Adaline’s half. My heart forgets its next two beats as I stare in shock. “Where is she?”
“She moved out.”
Anxiety blazes through my bloodstream, and when I turn to Lana, I feel every bit of its torture. “When?”
She shrugs, looking confused herself. “Yesterday. I came back from class, and she and her mom pretty much had everything packed.”
“Did she say anything?”
“Just that she was leaving.”
“Leaving to go where?”
“I don’t know. It’s not like she really ever talked to me.”
I want to shake every bit of information she has about Adaline out of her, but my need to simply find her for myself takes over. I turn and rush down the stairs. When I hit the parking lot, I sprint to my car, pulling out my cell and calling her as I do so. Then I stumble to a complete halt when the first ring cuts off with, “I’m sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.”
I bring the phone down to make sure I didn’t accidentally click on someone else’s name, but it’s hers that reads at the top of the screen. Ending the call, I tap her name again, only to be met with the same message.
“What the fuck?”
My stomach knots, and when I start driving to her house, it twists even tighter. I spend the whole drive calling her cell over and over, knowing I won’t reach her but hoping, irrationally, that there’s some glitch in her service that will somehow fix itself and connect me to her.
The thirty-minute drive feels like years as I roll through stop signs and curse the red lights. I turn a bit too sharply and squeal my tires when I pull into the circular drive in front of her house. No cars are in sight, but that doesn’t stop me from ringing the doorbell. There’s no answer.
Panic erupts when I think back to the past couple of days at work. Cheryl has been on edge and stressed. It’s nothing that raised any sort of red flags with me, but now . . . now I’m freaking the fuck out.
With no more cadence to my heart’s beats, I pace the driveway as I call Adaline’s mom.
It takes four longs rings for her to answer. “Hi, Kason.”
“What’s going on? Where’s Adaline?” My words come out in rapid-fire pace.
Her only response is a heavy sigh, which does nothing for the hysteria running rampant through my body.
“I’m trying really hard not to lose it, but someone needs to tell me what the hell is going on.”
“Where are you right now?”
“Your house.”
“Can you stay there? I’m at the office, but I’m leaving now. Give me fifteen minutes.”
“Just tell me where she is and why her phone isn’t working.” I swear it feels like someone has just stolen my heart straight from between my ribs, and I need it back—I need her back. “I’m freaking the fuck out over here!”
“Don’t freak out, Kason.” Her tone is too controlled. “Go wait inside the house. The code to open the garage is ninety-one fifty-four, and the alarm code is the same number backward. I’m already in my car, so I’ll be there shortly.”
Shoving the phone into my back pocket, I let myself in, but everything feels wrong. I run up the stairs to Adaline’s bedroom and find that the few things she left behind when she moved out are now gone. My throat constricts painfully as I try to keep myself from falling apart, but where the fuck is she?
Powerless with anguish, I walk across her room and sit on the edge of her bed. Her scent is all around, and dammit if that doesn’t salt the gashes on my heart.
I can’t lose her.
With her sheets fisted in my hands, I go back to all the times I laid in this very bed with her, kissing her, holding her, loving her. My teeth clench as I strain not to cry, and then I hear the front door close and her mom call my name.
I attempt to breathe and fail, leaving my voice coarse when I answer, “Upstairs.” Even I can hear the sadness bleeding through me.
Cheryl walks in slowly with a cautious look in her eyes that worries me. She sees the pain I wear so vividly on my face and comes to sit next to me. I bite my cheek so that I don’t expose any more of my emotions than I already am, but I feel it. Feel the loss. Feel the abandonment. Feel my whole world crashing at my feet.
She rests her hand on my knee, and my head hangs lifelessly. “Where is she?”
“She moved out.” Her tone is timid with its own slew of sadness.
“Where did she go?”
She doesn’t answer me, and when I lift my head, I see the pity she holds for me. I don’t want pity. I want to know where Adaline is.
“Tell me.”
Shaking her head, she says, “I can’t. She made me promise.”
“Promise to what?”
“She needs time, Kason.”
“Time? She needs time?” I stand and pace across the room with my hand raking through my hair in utter frustration. “And her phone?”
“Kason, I know this is upsetting, but—”
“This isn’t upsetting, Cheryl,” I snap. “This is fucking killing me, so just tell me where she is!”
Tears spill over and down her face. “She left town. There was nothing I could do to stop her.”
“So, you just let her run?”
“She’s eighteen. What was I supposed to do?”
“She can’t be alone like this. You don’t understand.”
“I do.”
I take two strong steps toward her. “What does that mean? Did she say something to you?”
She blinks in silence and another tear drops.
“What did she tell you?”
“She loves you very much—”
“Tell me what she said,” I press.
“It isn’t mine to tell.”
My face drops. “She told you?”
She nods as she wipes her cheeks.
“You have to tell me.” Her head falls into her open palms, and I drop to my knees in front of her, begging, “I need to know what she said, Cheryl. Please. I need to know exactly what happened because all I have are thoughts that are fucking with my head.”
“She’s my daughter,” she cries.
I sit back on my heels, helpless. “And she’s my everything.” She lifts her eyes to see me at my weakest. “I can’t lose her.”
“I can’t, either. But this is what she needs, and we have to give it to her.”
“So that’s it? She just vanishes, and I’m left with nothing?”
Reaching out, she squeezes my shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
Like a razor, I feel the singe of heartache carving its way down my cheek.
“Someone hurt her.” The words strain to come out. “She wouldn’t ever say it, but I knew.” I clench my eyes shut, forcing away the tears, and when I open them, I stand. “Don’t do this. Don’t keep her from me.”
“I tried getting her to talk to you. I promise you I did, but she was insistent, and I didn’t want to push any more than what I already was.”
“Is she coming back?”
“She didn’t say.”
That’s it. She’s gone, and I’ve never felt so empty. I love that girl with every piece of me, but I’m so furious that she would just abandon me—abandon us and everything we fucking have together. Here I am, ready and willing and wanting nothing more than to put her back together again, and she just runs away without so much as a goodbye.
Vanished.
Gone.
“I’m here, though,” Cheryl says when she stands and walks over to me. “And I need you to know that you are far more to me than just a boy who dated my daughter. The one thing Ady was adamant about was that she didn’t want any of this to affect our relationship. These past couple of years, you have grown to be a part of this family.”
“She threw all that away, just like she threw me away.” And before I let my anger get the better of me, I walk out.
Cheryl says nothing to stop me, so I go. Slamming the front door behind me, I leave all the goodness that girl ever gave me behind.
The drive is excruciating. Finally alone, I let it all out. I scream through tears that feel like acid on my heart. My god, she broke through every rib and forced me to feel everything. Every goddamn thing. Because of her, I faced my demons, exposed them, and shared them. I felt it all with her. I felt so much that I left myself completely vulnerable, and here I am. Fuckin’ broken and lost.
I gave her everything, more than all of me. I fought myself day in and day out, trying to control the cravings that never went away—never went dormant. They’re alive and well, they always have been. But I starved myself—for her. To make her happy, to make her feel secure, to make her feel as if nothing was more important than her. And nothing was. She was it. She was the sun and the goddamn moon and stars. And she threw it all away like garbage. I have nothing if I don’t have her.
God-fucking-damn, I love her!
How could she do this? How could she not trust me when I trusted her with every single part of myself. Every fiber I’m woven with, I gave to her, but she couldn’t do that in return.
I pull my car into its spot and kill the engine.
Maybe I was foolish. Maybe I gave too much. Maybe I’m not as lovable as she made me believe.
This hurts. This is the worst imaginable pain there is. I could suffer in it. Let it fester inside. But why? What’s the point? Adaline was the only reason I tried to starve myself of the one thing that has the ability to quiet the voices that remind me every second of every day that I need this. That I need the indulgence to survive. But she left. And I won’t ever allow anyone else to hurt me like she has.
With all lost, my head spins in a haze as I step out of the car and start walking. Pockets of dopamine combust and flood my veins with an unbelievable high that obliterates the misery. And like a moth to flame, I no longer see the point in staying away.
I knock.
Krista answers.
I step inside.
Maybe Adaline was right all along. Maybe I am an addict. At this very moment, I don’t care as I black out and lose myself to this ferocious appetite that I can’t see beyond. It’s a euphoria I never want to escape, because everything outside of this is too painful for me to bear.