I wound up making love to Kason last night. There was no way I could deny him. What happened wasn’t his fault, and knowing how badly he struggles with his incessant sexual needs, all I want to do is take care of him. Plus, I thought it would help rid me of my guilt.
It didn’t.
And it didn’t soothe my need for comfort, either, because after we finished, I only felt more needy, more dirty, and more shameful. Without anywhere else to turn, I decided to stay the night with him, hoping his arms wrapped around me would help. That I would wake without so much dread weighing on me.
That didn’t happen, either.
I woke over an hour ago, and it’s only now that Kason stirs behind me as he holds me close to him. His erection presses against my bottom, and I have no idea how I’m going to get through having sex with him again. Being so emotionally drained made last night easier to deal with, but I’ve spent the last hour dwelling on what happened at the frat house and dissecting everything in order to try to regain my memory. I’m still left with empty space, though. I’ve lost hours upon hours of time, and I’m scared I won’t ever get them back. I’m also scared I will get them back. I’m terrified of what they hold, of what the truth really is.
Kason’s lips press against the nape of my neck before he releases a soft moan and runs his hand down my side and over my hip. Then he stops. “Why did you put your shorts back on?”
“Because it felt weird knowing your mom would be back here this morning,” I lie. Truth is, I didn’t know if I could stomach waking up without any pants on again, so I slipped them back on after Kason fell asleep.
He lifts his hand to my bare breast and palms me gently with a chuckle under his breath, teasing, “But it didn’t feel weird to leave your top off?” He then drops a few kisses along my shoulder as he presses his hips against me, making no secret to what he wants.
No, that isn’t true.
It’s what he needs, and we both know it.
I just don’t know if I can, but I’ve never, not once, denied him unless I was in too much physical pain due to the strain his drive puts on my body. Even though I love him beyond measure and all I want is to ease his unyielding urgency, there’s so much pressure bearing down on me I can barely breathe.
His hand slips down my shorts and into my panties, and I grab his wrist, feigning lightness when I tell him, “Kason, your mother is in the next room.”
“I’ll lose my hard-on if I think about that.”
I scoot forward to put a little space between us. “I’m serious. We’re not doing anything with her across the hall.”
“We’ll be quiet, then,” he pushes, and when I roll over to face him, he’s wearing a sly grin.
“No way.”
His face straightens when he realizes I’m being serious. He nods and, scorned by embarrassment, drops his eyes from me and mutters, “Give me a couple of minutes,” as he gets out of bed.
“Wait.”
He pulls on a pair of shorts. “It’s okay. I don’t expect you to always—”
“Just . . .” He turns to look at me, and I hate that, no matter if we do this or not, one of us will be left feeling the burn of shame. But I would rather it be me than him. I owe him at least that much with the secret I now hold. “Just lock the door, okay?”
“I was starting to wonder if you were going to show up,” Lana says when I walk into our dorm room. She takes in my disheveled look and my clothes, which are the same ones I left in yesterday, and then she smiles. “I take it you were with the boyfriend all night?”
I ignore her inquisition as I pull out some fresh clothes to change into. “How long until orientation starts?”
“About an hour.”
“I’m going to take a quick shower. Kason is down at the Bursar’s office and will be coming here when he’s done, so if I’m still in the bathroom, could you let him in?”
“Sure thing.”
I rush and hop in the shower, quickly washing my hair so I can look presentable for the freshman orientation. Kason has taken off work, and I hope that with so much to do today before classes start after the weekend, I’ll be distracted into some semblance of normalcy.
By the time I dry off, get dressed, and walk back into the room, Kason is already here and sitting on my bed, talking with Lana. Their conversation is surface, discussing their favorite bands as I blow dry my hair, throw on a touch of makeup, and slip on a pair of flip-flops.
“Damn, girl. That was fast!”
Kason looks to me while responding to Lana’s comment, saying, “I love that she’s low maintenance.”
His smile is beautiful, and for a split second, I lose myself in it. The moment fades fast, but it’s enough to give me a glimmer of hope that maybe, with time, that second will turn into forever and I can leave this mess behind me.
The three of us head down to the Student Center, where rows and rows of tables are set up, each occupied with various clubs and organizations that are eager to recruit new members. Kason and I pass through it in no time, but Lana lingers and picks up pamphlets. We make it to the orientation, sit through a few speakers, break for lunch, and continue. Two hours later, we are reminded of the beach themed party later tonight.
“How original,” I scoff with a smile.
“We’re going, right?”
As excited as Lana seems about the party, there’s no way I will ever attend one again. “Count me out.”
“You don’t want to go?” Kason questions, taking my hand as we file out of the building.
I shake my head, and Lana practically whines, “Come on. You can’t make me go alone.”
“I’m just not into it.”
She shrugs. “That’s okay. I think Gia from across the hall is going. I’m sure I can tag along with her.” She skips ahead a few steps before saying, “I’ll catch you later?”
“Yeah, maybe.”
Then she jogs off in the direction of the dorms as Kason and I head over to the university bookstore.
“You sure you don’t want to go?”
“Why? Do you?”
His lips twist arrogantly. “A school sponsored freshman party? Fuck no.”
He makes me laugh. “You sound like Trent.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if that kid even bothered to show up for his orientation. But seriously, don’t let me stop you if you want to go.”
“I don’t. I just want to be with you tonight.”
He slips his arm around my shoulders, tucks me against his side, and drops a kiss to my forehead as we stroll across campus and into the bookstore. Each aisle is packed with students trying to snag the last of the used books so they don’t have to spend a fortune for the new ones, and I kick myself for not buying them sooner like Kason did.
I drop my humanity’s book into the basket Kason is carrying for me. “I think that’s the last one.”
Weaving our way over to the registers, my heart nearly catapults into my throat when I spot Liam walking in my direction. I clam up in an instant and can barely breathe when his eyes catch mine.
He smiles, and I stop dead in my tracks when he approaches, as if what I woke to the other morning was just a figment of my imagination.
“Hey,” he greets when he steps over to me. “Ady, right?”
I can’t do anything but stare in shock, frozen solid as chaos erupts from every corner of my body.
“You two know each other?” Kason’s voice cuts through my silent panic.
I nod, choking back an anxious swallow and forcing myself to speak. “Umm, yeah. Moving day, right?”
Liam wears a cocky smile and nods along with me. “Right. So, how are you settling in?”
There is a band pulling tight around my ribcage, cracking bones and sending shards into my maniacally thundering heart.
And I know.
In this very moment, I just know.
It’s the sharp blade of intuition that plunges through every vessel in my body, and in a way I can’t explain, I feel his violation slicing through me.
“Adaline?”
I jerk my head up to Kason when he says my name, and I try to force myself to snap out of my trance, but I can’t. Kason gives me a curious look, and as hard as I try to speak, nothing happens.
“Sorry, man. I’m Liam.” He reaches out his hand to Kason, and a current of ice swims through me when they shake.
“Kason,” he responds. “Adaline’s boyfriend.”
“Good to meet you.”
My skin pricks cold and damp, and a wash of lightheadedness sweeps over me as I stare in horror at the guy who . . . who . . .
“Oh my god.” My hand flies over my mouth, and I bolt, running as fast as I can to the nearest bathroom. Bumping shoulders with everyone around me, I can’t push pass them fast enough. The moment I fly through the door of the restroom, I lock it behind me and bury my head into my palms. My chest heaves, and I swear to God that it feels as if my heart is about to explode into a million splinters.
Bending forward, I brace my hands on my knees, and the tears simply fall right out of me. His hands are all over my skin in phantom pressure that causes my vision to blur. I can’t catch my breath as reality melts into a hazy cloud, sending me straight to the floor.
What did he do to me? What the hell happened? Think, Ady!
There’s nothing in me but blank visions and the invisible truth screaming that he forced himself on me. That I didn’t get drunk. That I didn’t cheat. That I didn’t want whatever it was he did to me.
There’s nothing I have to go on, but everything inside me is screaming that he hurt me in a way I can’t identify.
There’s a knock against the door I’m huddled against, followed by, “Is anyone in there?”
“Umm . . . one second.” My voice is shaky at best, and even though my pulse is firing at rapid speed, I have no other choice but to compose myself as best as I can. My knees wobble beneath me when I push myself off the floor, and I quickly wipe my cheeks before taking in the slowest breath I can manage. A quick glance in the mirror tells me my face is a bit splotchy, but I’m sure I can lie my way into a believable excuse if Kason asks.
I’ll simply tell him that I’m not feeling well.
I open the door to find a tall brunette giving me the rude eye, and I drop my head, muttering, “Sorry.”
I’m on edge as I walk back over to where I left Kason, hoping and praying that Liam is no longer there. Every step I take births a new fear that he’s still somewhere in this crowd of people, so I keep my chin tucked down long enough to find Kason.
“There you are,” he says, quickly enveloping me under his one arm, and I go to him freely because I’m scared of everything at this point. “Hey,” his tone is soft, “is everything okay?”
I nod, my arms clinging around his waist as I deceive him even more. “I don’t feel well. Can we just go?”
“Yeah, of course.”
With his arm around me, I refuse to unclench myself around him as we wait in line to purchase my textbooks. He doesn’t question my neediness. Why would he? It looks like the affection I give him on any other normal day. But just because it looks the same doesn’t mean it feels the same.
It doesn’t.
There’s so much fright rattling me from the inside that I swear I can taste its existence on the back of my tongue.
Every time I hear a guy’s voice, I startle, scared it’s Liam and that he’s still here. As soon as we pay, Kason grabs the bag, and we head out. My palm sweats against his as we walk across campus.
“Do you want to go back to your room?”
“Would you mind if we go to your place instead?”
We make a pit stop at the dorms so I can pack an overnight bag, and five minutes later, I’m following him to his apartment in my own car. His mother has already left for her night job when we get there, so I go straight to his room, kick off my flip-flops, and tuck myself under his blankets.
“Do you need anything?” he questions, and when I shake my head, he shrugs his shirt off and gets into bed with me.
Cocooned in his strong arms, I soak in as much of his warmth as I can, but it doesn’t do anything to calm me. Shaken to the core, to the very essence of who I am—who I was—I have to choke back the tears when I realize that I no longer recognize myself. It’s as if, somewhere within that night, I was stolen. Whatever it was Liam did to me ripped away everything good in me, only leaving dirt and grime behind.
I’ve never really had the need to wash away sins the way I do now. I feel every grit of disgust he left me with. It fills all the vacant holes that used to be occupied with my self-worth and dignity. The purity I saved and gave to Kason, only to have someone come into the night and steal it away. If Kason knew the stain of defilement I now wear on the inside, it would no doubt diminish the value he finds in me. I love that he’s the one and only guy who has ever touched me, ever truly kissed me, and to be the first to have me so intimately. It’s always been something special to the both of us, and now—now it means nothing because I acted so stupidly.
Why did I ever give Liam the time of day? How could I have been so dumb as to take that drink from him?
Before I even know what’s happening, my lips are all over Kason, in dire need for him to take it all away. To vanquish everything by covering me in his touch so that Liam’s touches no longer exist. I throw myself at him, peeling off my clothes and tugging him to roll on top of me.
Breathless and eager, there’s no room for words, and when I open my legs for him and urge his hips down to me, he fills me completely. I sling my arms around his neck and hold him as closely as I can, but this doesn’t feel right.
My heart doesn’t beat right.
My breaths don’t sound right.
His touch is all wrong because in my head, it isn’t Kason—it’s Liam stealing away something that was never supposed to be anyone’s but Kason’s. I’m so far away from this moment that I’m no longer in this bed, but his. No longer wrapped in Kason’s arms, but his. No longer having sex with my boyfriend, but him.
My stomach coils, and I grow nauseous.
I can’t even move. I can’t even breathe. And when Kason stills above me with a panic-stricken face and says with profound worry, “Baby, you’re crying,” I can’t even speak.
He runs the backs of his fingers along my cheeks, collecting tears I didn’t even know were there. “Adaline, please,” he begs. “Tell me what’s going on.”
But I can’t.
Because I love him.
I love him with every chemical in my body. Every drop of blood my heart pumps is for him. I would never be so foolish as to ruin everything we have together, but he’s still inside me when I wish he wasn’t. His touch is no longer his, and I need it off of me. I want to push him away, but I can’t.
All I can manage to do is nothing.
I lie unmoving beneath him, staring into eyes filled with confusion and concern as he questions, “What is it?”
When I can’t endure his skin touching mine any longer, I press my hands against his chest, murmuring weakly, “I don’t want to be doing this.”
He pulls out of me and rolls to his side while keeping me in his arms. “God, babe, did I hurt you?”
Yes. “No.”
“I need you to talk to me. I need to know what has you acting so strange, and don’t tell me it’s because this change is hard on you because I’m not buying it.”
“Can we just not talk?”
His lips press to my forehead, and I can feel the pain in his voice when he says, “Please don’t do that. Don’t shut down on me.”
Another tear slips out, trails down the side of my face, and drips onto his arm that’s holding me.
I’m at a complete loss as to what I could say that would explain my behavior, but I know he isn’t going to let this go. So, I decide to speak honestly, telling him, “I love you. I really do love you,” as I curl into him.
He strengthens his grip on me. “I love you, too. But something isn’t right here, and I wish you would talk to me. If it’s me . . . if it’s something I’ve done . . .”
“You didn’t do anything.”
But I did. I went to a party with a boy when I shouldn’t have. I drank when I shouldn’t have. And maybe, in my obscure state of mind, I led him on when I shouldn’t have. But I don’t know, because I don’t remember anything.
Nothing remains of this night. We leave all words unspoken. Both of us in two very different states of uncertainty as we cling with silent hope that we aren’t fracturing.
Never have I felt as uncomfortable with Kason as I do right now. Seeing Liam today triggered a multitude of emotions inside me. It’s fear and disgust at its purest form, seeping into my bloodstream and becoming a part of me. It’s the undying voices that have convinced me that Liam took advantage of me in a way I’m too scared to imagine. And it’s the realization that no matter how much I attach myself to Kason, our love isn’t strong enough to wash this disgrace away.