Laughter and excitement fill the busy street that hugs the beach. I’m lost among a mixture of tourists and locals who are out enjoying the last days of summer vacation. They move about so easily while I’m submerged in a paralyzing state of despair, roaming aimlessly in and out of souvenir shops. I go in every store and wander down every aisle, as if I have purpose for being here other than to numb my mind from internal whispers I’m too terrified to face.
It isn’t just my thoughts I’m trying to escape, though. It’s also Kason. Two seconds was all it took for him to sense that something was wrong with me. I don’t even have to be in his presence for him to read me, that’s how entwined we’ve become. Before, that was everything. Now, it’s nothing but something else for me to run from. There hasn’t been anything we haven’t been able to share with each other, but this? This isn’t something I want anyone to know about, especially him. I mean, I was supposed to be going out to a sorority party with my new roommate, not hanging out alone at a frat house with some guy I don’t even know. If the situation were reversed, I’d be so mad at Kason.
At the same time, I don’t want to lie to him after he’s been so honest with me about the mistakes he’s made.
This wasn’t a mistake.
I shake my head to rid the thought that’s a thousand times scarier than my believing that I was the one responsible for all of this . . . that I stepped outside of our relationship.
Lunch comes and goes. I can’t even think about eating with my stomach twisted in unrelenting knots. Lazily, I make my way over to Beach Walk and roam around for a long while before finding an empty bench to sit on. The afternoon sun beats down on me as I watch families and children, couples and singles enjoying their day in the sand and salt while I melt away in desolation. I feel invisible, even though the passing glances a few people give me tell me I’m not.
Sweat drips down my back, and the heat is almost too much, but I can’t bring myself to move. So I sit. That’s all I do as minutes slip into hours, shifting the day into the evening.
Lightheaded and still a little woozy from whatever alcohol I consumed last night, I walk to the other side of the pier and purchase a Gatorade from a small gelato stand. I take the drink with me as I make my way over to the beach, kick off my flip-flops, and sit before sinking my feet into the warm sand. My first sip has sweetness hitting my tongue . . .
“What is this?”
“Some stupid punch one of the brothers threw together. It tasted like juice, so I figured you’d like it.”
As soon as I hear Liam’s voice in my head, I can taste the fruity cocktail he had given me. Pulling my knees up, I drop my head and close my eyes as I strain to remember just how much of that punch I drank, but all I can recall is just that one. It doesn’t add up. I would’ve had to drink more for my hangover to be this bad.
My heart hits a beat too hard, and my eyes pop open when realization strikes like a sucker punch. When I had gotten drunk at Trent’s party during junior year, I didn’t black out at all and my hangover was so much worse than the one I have right now. I can still picture that night and the details it holds. There is memory after the first, second, and even third drink, so why is there nothing left after my first drink from last night?
“Oh my god,” I whisper to myself when I consider that something might have been slipped into my drink. I mean, you hear about stuff like that happening. But to me? What are the chances?
The swell of tears in my eyes burn, and I hold on to my breath for strength because I don’t want to cry. I refuse. If I let these tears fall, it will give truth to the horror they hold.
A guy hollers, and it draws my attention to a group of skimmers down by the water. I watch as one of them runs, drops the board, and hops on to ride up into a small wave. He falls off the board and splashes into the water, and when I blink, I see a flash of Kason, which reminds me why I’m out here. Why I’m hiding.
My phone burns a hole in my pocket, and I’m sure he’s freaking out about not being able to get ahold of me. But I can’t face him—not yet anyway. I have to pull myself together enough so that he won’t sense that my whole world is off its axis. I have no idea what I’m doing—there’s no plan. I’m totally lost.
All I want is for all of this to disappear and for everything to go back to normal.
Normal.
That’s what I have to be. That’s the only plan there is, because if there’s no normal, then there’s no us. Kason and I have dealt with our fair share of issues, we don’t need another one to come in and threaten what we’ve been able to build together.
Taking in a deep breath, I tell myself to toughen up. To pull myself together and not let what I can’t change destroy me. Whatever happened, happened, and I won’t allow it to keep me from loving Kason.
I look out at the sun’s rays casting their flames over the rippling water and force my mind to think about all the good Kason brings to my life. I compel the thoughts to consume me and to leave no room for anything else—only him. I drift back to our first kiss on this very beach, remembering the swarm of butterflies he set loose while I anxiously waited for his lips to touch mine. I had known I’d never be the same after that kiss, and I was right.
I love him.
So, I vow not to let whatever happened last night to take away what we have.
It isn’t just me; it’s Kason, too. He needs me just as much as I need him, and for that, I have to find the strength to bury this and to move forward. There’s no way of doing this without lying to him.
When I think about the damage the truth could do to the both of us, this lie doesn’t seem that bad. Maybe this lie won’t only save me, but him as well.
When the sun finally touches the water, I pull my phone from my pocket and silently tell myself that I can do this.
I have to do this.
I’ve been hiding out here all day, but I can’t hide forever.
I turn my phone back on, and when the screen illuminates, I come face to face with Kason’s worry.
Seven missed calls and a slew of text messages. I could read through them, but I spare myself any more guilt. With one last deep breath, I convince myself that I’m doing the right thing, straighten my spine, and call him.
After only one ring, he answers frantically, “Jesus Christ, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“I’ve been calling you all day. I went to your dorm, but you weren’t there, so I drove to your house. Where have you been?”
His voice is panicked against my fake steady one when I respond, “I’m sorry. I’ve been out shopping. My phone died, and I didn’t even realize it until a little while ago.”
“I called you right after you hung up on me this morning. It went straight to voice mail.” He pretty much calls me out on my crappy lie and forces me to think on my toes and fast.
“I know. Lana was upset about some stuff back home, and when you called, I declined it. I shouldn’t have rushed off the phone like I did and then send you to voice mail, but she was crying and . . . it was just bad timing.”
He lets out a frustrated sigh as my pulse races with anxiety, wondering if he can tell I’m full of crap.
There’s a long pause before he says in a much softer tone, “You had me worried about you all day.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Where are you now?”
With the waves rolling in and the seagulls squawking, I don’t even consider making up a story, so I tell him, “I’m at the beach over in Clearwater.”
“Clearwater? What are you doing there?”
“I wanted to watch the sunset.”
There’s another break before he asks, “Are you sure everything is okay?”
I strain to release an air-light chuckle and then do my best to assure him. “Yes. I promise, I’m fine.”
“When the sun is gone, will you come over? I miss you.”
There’s no controlling the tightening of unease in my tummy, but I give him my normal, regardless of my hesitations. “Yeah. I’ll be over in a bit.”
We say our I love yous before ending the call, and I stay true to my word, hopping in my car after the sun has disappeared. While driving to his apartment, I try my best to convince myself that everything is, in fact, okay. That if I can force normal, eventually this mess will fade away like a bad memory.
By the time I park in front of his apartment building, my palms are already sweaty with nerves. It feels as if I’m seeing him for the first time and I don’t know how to act. I take a minute to calm down, telling myself that no matter what, no matter my fakery, it’s him and only him that I truly want and need in this moment. That maybe, just maybe, his arms hold the power of an erasure. Keeping that notion at the forefront gives me the strength I need to go to him for the comfort I’ve needed all day.
Anxiously, I knock, and when he opens the door, he takes me by surprise, gathering me in his arms before I can wrap mine around him first. There’s an unspoken need between the two of us as we hold each other, and it takes every ounce of my energy not to crumble and cry. His touch soothes my frayed edges he’s clueless to, and my heart grows needy for more of the relief his touch is providing me right now.
I cling more urgently to him as he backs us into the apartment and kicks the door shut. My lungs flood with his scent, making my eyes prick with tears as I nuzzle in closer. His hands come to my face and angle me to look at him. With concern etched in his furrowed brows, I veil the truth to my needy affection and force a smile. “I’m so sorry I worried you.”
He just shakes his head, dismissing my apology. “I shouldn’t have lost my cool like I did. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s fine.” I want to believe in those two words. They seem so simple, but they’re not. It’s nearly impossible to think about everything being fine when I’m falling apart on the inside. But I want it—I want to be fine so badly I’d do almost anything to feel that way again. I wish I could rewind time so that last night never happened.
His lips drop to mine as he holds me close, and I want nothing more than to get lost in him. My mind won’t let me as thoughts begin to torment.
Were my lips on Liam’s like they’re on Kason’s right now? Did I kiss him? Did I let him hold me? Kason pushes his fingers into my hair, and I wonder if Liam’s did the same.
Remorse and fear for the unknown twist my gut, and I throw myself even deeper into the kiss as I search for escapement. My eagerness fuels Kason to want more when he lifts me off my feet and walks us straight to his bedroom.
My soul is frantic, and I waste no time slipping off his shorts and briefs before crawling between his legs. There’s no cuddling, no sweet words, no loving caresses, only me rushing for sanctity when I slide my lips over him.
“Fuck.” He breathes loudly as I suck and glide my tongue along him.
I close my eyes, and instantly regret doing so when I see Liam’s face behind my lids. My heart misses a beat and then double thumps to catch up. I open my eyes and keep them fixed on Kason as he lies back.
I do my best to convince myself that this is what needs to be happening, because this is what Kason and I do. It’s our normal, and it’s what I need to make the hell of last night go away. I’m desperate to believe that if I love him hard enough, eventually everything else will lose its power, that our love will diminish my unholiness.
You did nothing unholy. Liam drugged you.
My stomach convulses, and my hands grip around Kason’s thighs as I gag with him still in my mouth, but I don’t stop. His head pops off the pillow, and he looks down at me. I close my eyes, hiding from Kason’s silent question, but Liam is still there, and I gag once more, my back heaving as I do.
Kason pushes my shoulders away, but I don’t relent, so he uses more force.
“Adaline, stop.”
I can’t even look at him as I sit on my heels, knowing that if I do, the tears that my lids are holding back will fall.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, and the next second has him pulling me into his lap.
I tuck my head under his chin, hiding myself and trying to buy enough time to gather my composure. I’m far too close to teetering over the knife’s edge of a breakdown.
“Don’t lie to me and tell me nothing’s wrong when, clearly, something is.”
Needing so badly to expel the pain I’ve been holding in, but too scared to say the words, I go for the first excuse that comes to mind.
“Nothing feels the same anymore.” I then open my eyes, and the heat of my tears drops down my cheeks.
Kason draws back and lifts my chin up to him. “Why are you crying?”
“Because . . . what if with all this change, we change, too?”
“Babe,” he says on a heavy breath. “Is that what you’re worried about? That something is going to happen to us?”
I nod because it’s the cold hard truth. If he ever found out about last night, we’d be torn apart.
He cradles my face in his strong hands and fervently proclaims, “I love you. I couldn’t love anyone more.” He presses his lips to my tear-stained ones. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
Sheepishly, I nod.
“There’s nothing that would ever make me stop loving you. You need to know that. And you have no reason to ever think that something could happen to us, because I would never let that happen.”
But I do have a reason—a reason that could very well be the thing that could end us. If he knew the disgrace I now wear on my skin—the disgrace that’s now inside my body—he’d never be able to look at me with the loving adoration he is right now. It would forever be gone, and I would be forever tarnished in his eyes.