Clouds hide the burning sun behind a rippled blanket of gray. The air hangs densely—thick and humid—and I wipe a bead of sweat from my brow as I watch Kason out in the water. There’s a tropical storm about to blow through, and the waves are coming in four-foot swells, barreling perfectly. He ditched his skimboard for his surfboard, as did all the other guys out here, and is surfing the high waves that rarely hit on this side of Florida.
Kason asked me if I’d come with him, and even though I wanted to tell him no, I didn’t. Dejection weighed down his tone when he said, “Give me just one day. You and me.” He told me he missed me, and it was that very moment that I knew what I had to do.
It’s nearing the middle of October, and at this point, my whole world has fallen apart. Micah called last night and asked me again if I would go with him to his surfing competition in a couple of weeks. Even though I want the distraction of seeing him, I said no out of fear that he too would sense there was something off with me. He’d probably ask about school, and I would have no other choice but to lie to someone else I care about. Lie about the fact that I’ve only shown up a couple times and am failing everything—every single class.
The last day to drop classes and still get a refund has already come and gone. It would’ve been the responsible thing to do, but then my mother would have seen the money pop back into her account, and I would’ve had no way of explaining my way out of that mess.
A few guys out in the water shout their excitement when Kason catches a big wave. He pops up to his feet and glides down the face, riding along the stretch effortlessly, looking perfectly beautiful, and my stomach knots.
Kason is such an amazing person. Falling in love with him was beyond what I ever could’ve imagined. All I ever wanted to do was love him and take care of him, but now, all I’m doing is hurting him, which he doesn’t deserve. He doesn’t deserve the me I am now. I look into his eyes, and all I see is pain—and I’m the one who put it there.
I’ve been sitting out here for over an hour, watching him, trying to engrain him into my memory, doing everything I can to convince myself that I’ll be doing him a favor by walking away. In order to do that, I have to hurt him, hurt the one person who should never have to endure another ounce of sadness. But that’s what I have to do, and even though the suffering will be brutal, in the end, it’s what’s best for him.
The barrel of the wave comes crashing down on him, taking him under for a few seconds before he breaks the surface with a righteous smile. My heart sinks when I wonder about the next girl that will come along after me. Will she love him better? Take care of him the way he needs, not just physically, but emotionally? Will she reassure him and soothe him when his past comes to haunt him? Will she never throw his addiction in his face even when it becomes painful to bear?
I take a hard swallow while blinking back tears and scold myself for letting my mind go there. I can’t think about those things. If I do, I’ll never have the courage to save him from the misery I’m causing.
With his board tucked under his arm, he jogs out of the water.
“You doing okay?” he asks when he drops the board next to the towel I’m sitting on.
I nod. “Are you done?”
He joins me at my side and smirks. “Are you ready for me to be done?”
I stare into his deep green eyes that are outlined with his dark lashes as drops of water bead down from his hairline. Knowing that when we leave here, all of this will be over makes me sick to my stomach. He’s my first love, and I’m not ready to let go just yet, so I hold on a little longer when I tell him, “No.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. It’s kind of nice being out here without the crowds.”
He stares at me, and I know he’s hesitant to touch me, so he doesn’t. He knows I’d most likely coil away or freeze up. So we sit, simply looking into each other’s eyes, and I pray to God one last time to vanquish that night into extinction. To wipe my slate clean and make me pure and whole again.
I miss the times when we were so full of passion, when I cried happy tears more often than sad ones. When being in Kason’s arms was the highest feeling in the world, and when trusting was easy because I didn’t know any better. I love him so deeply, but this fear of mine reaches even deeper. The fear of him finding out and having to watch his love for me morph into blame and contempt.
I lie back but keep my eyes fixed on him. There’s so much brokenness shattering around us. Our once beautiful love, now in fractals.
I want to say so much, assure him that I love him, that none of this is his fault. But I can’t. It would only serve to give him false hope. So, I lock those words up and keep them safe so that maybe one day, when this nightmare is over, I can give them to him.
“You’re so beautiful,” he says, and I give him a small smile, even though it hurts to do so.
“Can you do something for me?”
“Anything.”
I know I shouldn’t ask him of this, but I’m weak and lonely and in need of one last affectionate touch from him before I break my own heart along with his. “Can you just hold me?”
His face softens, and when I sit up, he pulls me between his legs and cradles me against his chest. He wraps me in his warmth as I band my arms around his waist. I cuddle into him, snuggling as close as I can. Laying my head over his heart, I cement the rhythm of its beats to my memory as it thump, thump, thumps. He seeps into my skin, filling my pores and heating my blood—his very existence makes me tremble, and I don’t think I’ll ever find another love like this one.
Maybe we were too perfect, and because of that, we were meant to be pierced by thorns. I don’t know the reason for all of this, or why any of this is happening, but I do know that no matter what, we were created for each other. And yet I destroyed it all in one foolish night.
“I miss this,” he murmurs. “I could hold you for forever without ever tiring.”
Me, too. Because I love you from the depths of my marrow. And I’m so sorry for letting you down. I’m sorry that I can’t give you the truth to why I’m about to break your heart. But know that I’m doing it for you, because I love you too much to hurt you with my mistakes and my now tarnished soul. You deserve someone better, and I pray that you find her and that she’s more than what I ever could’ve been for you.
I can’t do this anymore.
It’s killing me.
I can’t keep dragging this out.
My heart splits, and the tears come freely, painting my face in rivers of anguish. I push against him, but he doesn’t let go of me. “Baby, tell me why you’re crying.”
“I’m ready to go home now.” My voice is nothing but torrential agony.
I push against him again, but he strengthens his hold. “I’m not letting you go until you stop this and tell me what is going on.”
“Kason, please.” I force my palms against his chest and lash out. “Stop touching me!”
His arms finally fall from around me, and there’s so much hurt splashed across his face. But hurt is mixed with frustration. “It’s been nearly two months, Adaline. Two months of standing by while you feed me constant lies about why you can’t be around me, touch me, love me.”
“Don’t.”
“There isn’t a day that I don’t go back in my head to try to pinpoint the moment everything changed.” His eyes rim in tears, and he’s shaking with so much emotion that it terrifies me. “I’ve been walking on eggshells around you, scared that one wrong move will send you running away from me. Do you realize that’s my biggest fear? Losing you?”
I sit frozen next to him as he speaks, and I know this is it for us.
“But I can’t stand by and watch you deteriorate any longer. It’s killing me.”
“Then don’t.” I weep, knowing my words are only a lame attempt to push him away, and I know it’s going to take a lot more.
“Is that what you want? You want me to walk away from you? To leave everything we have behind and for this to be over?”
I shudder and then brace myself when I straighten my spine. “Maybe it would be for the best.”
His face falls, and a tear carves its way slowly down his cheek as he looks at me in disbelief.
“I don’t make you happy, Kason.”
“You make me everything!” he professes fervently as he grabs my hands, but I pull them away and stand. “What is it? Because I’m sick of you keeping me in the dark.”
“Then why are we together?”
He stands and steps toward me, ignoring my question. “Tell me what happened that night.”
My heart stammers when he hits too close to the truth, and I take a step back on wobbly knees.
“I’ve gone over it a million times, Adaline. Everything was fine until that night you went out with Lana. The night you moved into the dorms. We made love, and I drove you back to campus. Everything was fine—you were fine.” His eyes radiate with my unspoken truth that I will never admit to because I never want to see the look on his face when he discovers just how deplorable I truly am. His hands are balled in fists as they shake by his sides. “I’m not stupid. I may have been scared to bring it up, but I am not stupid, Adaline.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Tell me what happened that night. Tell me!”
“Nothing happened!”
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not lying, Kason!” I shout, growing angry at this whole situation, at him, at myself, at everything.
“Did someone hurt you?”
“What?” I stress in feigned shock, knowing he sees right through it but hoping he will choose to believe that his insinuation is unbelievably appalling. “No!”
Another tear rips down his face. “God dammit, Adaline! I’ve given you so much, just fucking trust me with whatever it is you’re hiding!”
This is when I spear him with the dagger, when I go low and throw my lie in his face, hoping it’s enough that he’ll want nothing to do with me. “I cheated on you.”
His brows furrow, and he shakes his head. “I don’t believe you.”
“Why? Because you think I’m too good of a person to do something like that? Well, I’m not.”
I can tell he still doesn’t buy it.
“You are. You’re feeding me this shit because you’re scared. I see it every time I touch you. Every time I try to get close to you. You cry when you think you’re alone, but baby, you are not alone!” He steps closer and wraps his hands around my arms.
His touch is too good for me, and I hate myself for what I’m about to do. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with you because it’s too much. Your addiction is too much for me to deal with. I could do it for a while, but I just can’t anymore.”
“Are you hearing yourself? You’re all over the place. You’re stressed about moving out of your mom’s house, you cheated on me, and now it’s my . . . addiction.” His face pinches in disgust when he says the word, but he moves past that plight as he goes on, “You really expect me to believe you?”
I ball my hands in frustration, wishing he would just give up. Hating that nothing I say is enough to push him away. That very thought tells me all I need to know, that it isn’t about me trying to convince him that I’m no good. I just need to rip the Band-Aid off and end it.
“I guess it doesn’t matter what you believe.” I struggle to take in a breath, but I fail. So I let go of all my worthless strength that serves me no good and break down in a heap of anguish when I say, “It’s over.”
He grips my arms harder. “It isn’t.”
“It is,” I cry.
“Tell me how to fight for you,” he begs on a cracked voice, which is filled with his own slew of tears. “Please, just tell me.
“I don’t want you to fight for me. I just want this to be over.” I pull my arms out of his hands and walk away, leaving my broken heart in the sand next to his feet as he calls out to me, “Adaline, I fucking love you.”