“You almost ready?”
I fold a light jacket and pack it in my small suitcase before looking over at Micah, who’s peeking into my room. “Yeah. Just about.”
When I’m alone again, I check to make sure I have everything before zipping the case and heading out to the living room, where Trent is already waiting. His face is down in his phone, and when he finally looks up, he’s wearing a slanted smile.
“What’s that look all about?”
“Checked the surf report,” he notes mildly before getting amped up when he announces loudly, “Four- to five-foot swells all weekend! Shit’s going down.”
“Let’s pack it up, man,” Micah says as he walks into the room.
After locking everything up, the two of them head to the elevator with their duffle bags slung across their chests and their boards tucked beneath their arms while I wheel my suitcase from behind them. They talk excitedly about this weekend—the weekend I’m forcing myself to be a part of.
This past week has been uneventful, and I’ve spent a lot of it alone while the two of them are in classes. They’re constantly in and out of the condo all day while I hide in my room. Both have tried to include me when they’ve gone out to hang with friends or get a bite to eat, but I’ve managed to find a way out of it each time. It was only a couple of days ago when the isolation started to feel as if it were beginning to suffocate me.
I often find myself wishing for things to go back to normal, knowing all too well the strength and energy needed to make that happen. I can’t go back to normal when I’m not even acting like myself. So, when Micah brought up this surf competition again, as much as I wanted to say no, the old me would have said yes. That Adaline wouldn’t have missed it for the world. She would have gone, cheered on her good friend, and had a blast. Plus, there’s no doubt I would’ve raised major red flags if I had stayed behind.
Unfortunately, by the time I decided to go, the hotel was already booked out, so the three of us are in the same room with two double beds.
I’ve already given myself three major pep talks since I woke this morning, but I’m here now, and I’m determined to take this valiant first step toward finding the old me and regaining a sense of normalcy.
Once down in the parking garage, I load the bags into the back of Trent’s SUV while they strap their boards to the roof. When everything is secure, we pile in and head north to Deerfield Beach, which is only a short one-hour drive away.
“After we check into our room, I have to find out where registration is and pick up my heat packet,” Micah says when he pulls open the door to the hotel’s lobby.
I nod, following him in, and almost turn right back around and leave. The place is filled with people who will be competing this weekend, and I find myself a little uneasy with the large crowds. Normally, I would tuck myself under Kason’s arm, but I no longer have that comfort, so I force my feet to move. My fingers constrict around the handle of my suitcase as we stand in line to get our room keys, and Micah and Trent are oblivious to the panic that’s brewing inside me.
Silently, I tell myself that I’m fine, that Liam is still across the state in Tampa, and that I have no reason to be freaking out. My head knows I’m being irrational, but my heart doesn’t, and I take in a slow breath to try to slow its tempo.
“You good?”
I look at Micah and fake a smile. “Perfect.”
About fifteen minutes later, we have the key cards and are on the elevator.
I park my suitcase against the wall and take a seat on the bed closest to the window, which has an ocean view. Trent flops down next to me, sprawling across the mattress.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like?” he teases, wagging his brows.
“Uh-uh,” I chuckle. “We are not sharing a bed.”
Those same brows drop and pinch as his hand flies to his chest, covering his heart. “Rejected.” He then addresses Micah, saying, “Are you hearing this, bro?”
“Dude, Ady and I already discussed it. She’s sleeping with me.”
“Snubbed for my best friend. You’re a harsh woman.”
His theatrics make me forget about my anxiety from earlier. “You can’t be trusted,” I joke.
“And he can? That kid has a hard-on for anything that moves.”
Micah busts out laughing as he continues unpacking a few things.
“That’s funny,” I tell Trent. “He says the same thing about you.”
“No fucking respect for the bro code.” He then rolls off the bed and surrenders to the one beside it. “Forever alone.”
“Seriously? When have you ever been alone? Ever since I’ve known you, you had some chick attached to your side.”
“Are you saying I’m easy?”
My amusement grows along with my smile. “If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck.”
“Dude!” Micah exclaims through another riot of laughter. “Guppy’s calling you out as a slut!”
But Trent eats it up, lying there with his arms folded behind his head, wearing a cocky smile. “Gotta give props where props are due,” he says, winking at me.
“You feel safe if I leave you with Ady while I go check in?”
Trent eyes me. “She’s harmless.”
“You sure about that?”
Micah grabs his key card. “I’ll text you guys when I’m done.”
I take a few minutes to unpack my toiletries and call my mom before Trent suggests we get out of the room. The two of us head down to the beach, where heats are already taking place for other age divisions. Trent runs into a few people that also go to the University of Miami with him. After he introduces me to them, he gets lost in conversation, leaving me standing awkwardly next to a tall brunette.
“So, you’re here with Trent?”
I give her a nod.
“I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.”
“Oh.” My head darts in her direction. “No. I’m not his . . . we’re not . . .”
She blushes. “Sorry. I just assumed—”
“We’re just friends, that’s all. We went to high school together.”
“Oh. Do you go to UM, too?”
“I’m taking the semester off,” I tell her as I catch her staring off in Trent’s direction. She’s entirely distracted, and I chuckle under my breath before I catch Micah out of the corner of my eye.
“Hey, what’re you doing?” he says as he jogs over to me and then looks to my right. “Kate. I didn’t know you were coming.”
“Likewise. You competing?”
“Yeah. Later today.”
“We just came to watch,” she tells him. “A few of our buddies are surfing.”
“Sweet.” He then turns to me. “I’m going to run up to the room and lie low for a while before my heat.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“You sure?”
“It was good meeting you, Kate.”
“You, too. I’ll catch you later,” she says before walking over to her friends that are with Trent.
I follow Micah back up to the room, where we just hang out and watch television. I ask him more about the competition, and he explains that today is a QS event, which means it’s a qualifying series to go to the ESA South Florida Surf Contest and compete on a national level.
“I didn’t know this was something you wanted to do. I thought it was just a hobby.”
“I didn’t want to tell anyone,” he says as we lean against the headboard and let the movie play in the background.
“Why?”
“Come on, Guppy. You know the stigma of being a product of South Tampa. Kids like us are expected to get our degrees and make something of ourselves in a respectable white-collar career, not catch waves for a living.”
“Do your parents even know you’re here?”
“No. It’s only a qualifier. Who knows if I’ll even make the cut.”
“So, what made you tell me?”
His eyes shift to mine, and after a breath passes, he says, “Because it’s you.”
I smile at my best friend who swooped in and saved me, who gave me this new beginning, my chance at surviving. “I’m glad you told me.”
He tosses his arm over my shoulders, and with an air of humor, adds, “Let’s just hope I don’t bite it out there.”
“You won’t.”
And he didn’t. He came in fourth in his division, qualifying for the next event that will take place in January. Micah was stoked, and after we came in from the beach, we cleaned up and went out to celebrate. Kate and her friends ended up joining us and then inviting us out, but both Micah and I declined—him claiming to be too tired and me being unwilling to push myself any more than I already had. Trent, however, opted to stay out a while longer.
Unfortunately for me, I’ve been lying here next to Micah for hours. He passed out almost as soon as he hit the pillow. Trent stumbles in sometime after midnight, and I shut my phone down until I’m sure he’s asleep. The soft glow of the screen makes it a little easier for me to breathe, and I wonder how long it’s going to take for this adolescent fear to wane.
Darkness is the monster that steals the safety of light, leaving me restless and with a mind that too easily drifts to places I’m scared to revisit. Memories surface, no matter how hard I try to avoid them. Although Trent and Micah serve as a powerful distraction, it’s in moments like this where I’m defenseless. Even with the two of them in this room with me, I’m still alone because I’m without the one who is powerful enough to consume me wholly.
Without Kason I’m empty.
I never knew the heart could ache so badly. I’m not even sure how it’s still beating with it being as broken as it is. But it does, dragging me from one day to the next, never letting me forget how good it felt to be loved by him.
“Hey,” Micah whispers from behind me. With my back facing him, he leans over my shoulder as I quickly wipe my teary cheeks. “What’s wrong?”
I turn the screen to my phone off and dismiss him. “Nothing.”
“Why are you still awake?”
I easily think of a lie, but I’m worried I won’t be able to speak around the lump lodged in my throat.
My silence lingers, and he nudges my shoulder, urging me to roll over, and when I do, I keep my eyes downcast.
“Why are you crying?”
When I don’t give any response, he sinks deeper into the covers and slips his arms around me. He holds me, a comfort I want to pretend is coming from Kason because he’s the one who finds a home in every tear I cry. But nothing about this embrace is familiar. Micah’s hold is softer than Kason’s, but within the softness, there’s strength. Kason always held me fiercely, as if he was dependent on the touch alone. There’s no urgency in Micah’s arms, as if he’s confident in his place with me.
There’s something about it that makes me feel safe because there’s no fear in his bones, only assured strength. Strength I’ve been lacking in myself. Strength I’ve been unable to find in others because they’re too vulnerable around me. But not Micah. And with that, I let go for a moment, too tired of keeping everything locked inside.
My body trembles as I allow a few tears to seep out.
“Ady . . .” He breathes my name, and I tuck my head against his chest. “Tell me what he did that made you break up with him.”
I shake my head against him because he has it all wrong. I can tell he’s painting Kason as the villain, but he’s a martyr just like me. We both are. The only villain is the one who ruined everything and was left unscathed. But I’m to blame, too, and I will never forgive myself for the part I played that night.
As everything comes to brim, I fold into myself, but Micah only gathers me more. He believes my pain is solely for the loss of Kason, but more than anything, it’s about what happened that night—the night I can’t remember—the night that ripped me from the world I once knew. Within the blankness of those stolen hours, I was chewed up and spit out, forever marred.
But it’s better that Micah doesn’t know the ugly truth. If his perception of me stays untainted, then maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to find my way back to the girl he still thinks I am. So, I wrap my arms around him as well and attempt to hold on to that very hope.