I fell in love with my heart wide open. In Kason’s arms, I had no fear as he took me to places so high they defied gravity. But I walked away, leaving him destroyed and in tears, yelling my name. I had no idea just how far our love had taken us. And here I am, free falling from cloud nine, petrified of the concrete down below.
I’ve never felt more alone, and it’s all my fault. Cut to the core, I’m in dire need of consoling. Someone to talk to me, hold me, tell me everything is going to be all right—that I will survive this. Because I have to. I just have to.
I’m the worst kind of human there is, but I had to do it. I had to—for him. All I’m left with are his pleading I love yous echoing in my ears as I lie here in my dorm room.
My pillow is wet beneath my cheek, doused in my heart’s agony for the man I just broke.
Everything is falling apart, and there’s nothing I can do to stop the avalanche of ruination. My instinct tells me to run and run far, but to where? I hate this campus, this dorm room, this everything. I want to escape, rewind time, and simply go back. I want life to forgive me and grant me a pardon so that I can have a second chance with Kason, a chance to make everything right again.
I want to slip back into his arms, inhale the sun and salt he wears on his skin, and taste his breath as he kisses me and tells me I’m his all. So much inside me is calling for me to go to him, beg for forgiveness, and give him what he’s been pleading for—the truth.
The truth would do nothing but hurt him, though. He’s had such a hard life, has suffered through so much, and battles his demons daily. I couldn’t possibly throw more on him. His devastations are enough, he doesn’t need me adding mine to his, and that’s exactly what I would be doing if I dropped this bomb on him.
As much as this is killing me, as much as I want to run back to him, I know that, in the end, this is what is best for him. All I want to do is take care of him and protect him as much as I can. I just didn’t know how much it would wind up costing me.
So, this is me, destroying us to save him.
The ringing of my cell fractures me further when I think about his voice being on the other end of the call. But when I pick up the phone, it isn’t his name on the screen. It’s Micah’s. My best friend. The person who was there for me the last time I broke up with Kason. But this time is different. This time is so much worse, and remembering how good he was with me before, I go ahead and take the call because I need to unload some of this heartbreak. It’s simply too much for me to carry any longer.
I don’t even try to perk up my solemn voice, which is raw and strained. “Hey, Micah.”
“Hey,” he responds timidly. “Are you okay? It sounds like you’ve been crying.”
I scoot back on the bed and sit up. “Everything is falling apart.”
“Why? What’s going on?”
I close my eyes, and tears fall down my face before dripping off my chin. “It’s over. For good this time.”
“With Kason? What the fuck did he do?”
“Nothing,” I’m quick to state, a single truth in a sea of lies around me. “It’s just everything. Nothing is the same anymore, and it just didn’t work out between us.”
“So he just broke up with you?”
“No . . . I broke up with him,” I say in a pitiful heap of sorrow. “I just didn’t think it would hurt this bad. And now I’m alone and have no one to talk to.”
“What about your roommate?”
“Lana? I barely know her.”
“Have you told your mom?”
“No. It just happened a couple of hours ago,” I tell him. “I came back here to the dorms because I didn’t know where else to go, but I’m starting to feel like I don’t know where I belong anymore. Everything is so messed up.”
“I hate that you’re so far away,” he mutters beneath his breath before asking, “Have you not made any friends that you can talk to? I mean you’re halfway through the semester.”
I exhale deeply and then confess, “I haven’t been completely honest with you. When you ask about school and I blow you off, it’s because I haven’t been going to classes.” Another bedrock of contention barrels down on me when I admit this. “I don’t know what to do. My mother is going to be so mad at me when she finds out.”
“What do you mean, you haven’t been going? How much have you missed?”
“All of it.”
“Fuck.” He sighs in utter disbelief.
“I don’t know what to do, Micah. All I know is that I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“Right now, just stay put, okay? I’m going to throw some things in a bag, and I’ll be there this evening.”
“What?”
“I’m driving over.”
“You don’t have to do that. I mean, what about school?”
“Fuck school. You don’t need to be alone right now. I’ll be there in about five hours.”
“Micah—”
“We’ll figure this out, okay?”
Another tear stains my cheek, feeling so very thankful to have a piece of my comforting past back here in Tampa with me. “Thank you.”
“No worries, Guppy. Just hang tight and text me the address to your dorm.”
While I’m texting Micah, Lana returns from class with a stack of books in her hands and heaves out an exasperated, “These midterms are going to be the death of me.” She dumps everything onto her bed while I keep my head down and finish typing out my message. “I’m going out for pizza with some friends. Want to come?”
Her offer only irks my annoyance. It’s a reminder of how very different our two lives are, which upsets me because I should be her. I should be studying for exams and hanging out with friends. But instead, I’m failing every single class and haven’t been able to stomach food at all for the past couple of months. I know I’ve lost too much weight and my clothes hang too loosely, it’s just that the thought of ingesting food makes me cringe.
“Have you been crying?” she asks when she finally stops long enough to look my way.
“Can we not talk about me?” Her brows lift, and I realize how harsh those words sounded. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Well, how did you mean it?” She sits on her bed and starts flipping through one of her notebooks, visibly irritated with me. I don’t blame her. It was clear from day one that she was excited about bonding with me, her new roomie. But I’ve failed her, too. Another person I’ve let down. Half the time, I’m not even here because I’m hiding out at my mom’s house, and when I am here, I’m closed off and irritable. Day after day, I’ve been in constant survival mode, which leaves me little to no energy. My best is gone, leaving Lana with nothing more than my sour attitude.
“I’m just tired.”
“You’re always tired,” she mutters with an eye roll.
My phone buzzes in my hand, and I open the text Micah just sent.
Micah: I’m on my way.
I watch Lana as she fixes her hair in the mirror, her bright neon-green T-shirt that displays her Greek letter in pink is blindingly over-the-top, but she revels in the fact that she’s part of that world with all of her sorority sisters, who are probably a thousand times more fun to be around than I am.
Another text vibrates my phone, and without even looking, I swipe at the screen to open it.
Kason: Please don’t do this. Don’t assume that I can’t fix this when you haven’t even given me the chance. I’d do anything for you. You know I would. You’re my fucking sun, Adaline. You can push me away, break me, hurt me, kill me and I will still believe in you. I will still love you. But I’m begging you not to. Just give me a chance.
I quickly delete the message and turn on my side so that Lana won’t see the sadness in my eyes. Lost and lonely, I click over to Micah’s screen.
Me: Please, hurry.
Disparity gnaws at the hollowness inside me.
Micah: As fast as I can, Guppy.
There’s a loud knock on the door, and I quickly dry my face with the back of my hand before I sit up. When Lana lets her friends in, I attempt to busy myself with my phone as I scroll through a random celebrity gossip website.
They’re loud, and when I glance up, my muscles stiffen in a blaze of shock. His eyes are on me, but he’s holding another girl’s hand. She’s wearing the same lettered shirt as Lana.
With a flick of a nod, Liam gives me an indifferent, “Hey.”
I’m numbed in paralization, tense with a rapid pulsing heart that I can feel down to my toes. I stare in horror as the girl looks up at him and gives him a beaming smile before asking, “You ready?”
Lana grabs her purse as I silently scream No. Don’t go. That guy’s a monster! The words never leave my lips, though, and the moment the door closes behind them, I leap off my bed, fly across the room, and lock it. I’m breathless as I slip to the floor, terrified. Thoughts of him coming back and breaking down the door, stealing Lana’s room key to let himself in, anything just to get me alone again, flood my mind.
I throw myself into a raging panic as my vision starts to flitter in and out of focus and chills prick along my skin. My breaths are too shallow, my blood is too cold, my mind is too scary. The dizziness overwhelms me, and I slump over to my side, cradling my knees against my chest, but I’m too afraid to close my eyes.
Lying on the floor, unaware of time, I hold on to myself long enough to calm down. Not wanting to be here in case they all return after dinner, I force myself to my feet. I grab my backpack, which holds the books to the classes I don’t attend, and dump everything out of it. After pulling out a few articles of clothing from the closet, I shove them into the bag along with my toiletry case. I then grab my phone and charger before rushing down to my car.
With deceit as my new friend, I text my mom.
Me: Got into a disagreement with Lana. Can I stay the night with you?
Knowing she would never tell me that I couldn’t sleep in my old room, I start driving that way.
Mom: Of course, dear. I’m working late, so if you go to bed early, I might not see you until the morning. Call me if you need me.
After pulling up to a red light, I quickly respond.
Me: Thanks.
Then I send a text to Micah, letting him know to come straight to my house.