Thunder cracks loudly between sharp strikes of lightning. Lying on my bed, I stare out of the rain-slicked window and into the dark night. Gusts of wind wreak havoc, and I’m amazed by how strong the trunks of the palm trees are when they appear thin and delicate. They don’t budge, unlike the palm fronds that whip wildly above.
I think about all the times I’ve stared out this very window, eager to catch a glimpse of Kason. Now nothing remains below but a torrential downpour that’s drowning the pool.
How metaphorical.
Micah texted a while ago, letting me know it was going to take him longer to get here due to the tropical storm. So, when the doorbell finally rings at nine o’clock, I breathe in relief.
The second I open the door and see his familiar face, I fall into his arms, which catch me fiercely. Nothing has been the same since he moved away, and it hits me hard to have him back after these three horrific months. Comfort is all I’ve been craving, something I haven’t been able to find in a very long time. It makes me linger a little longer than I should in his hug as he nudges the door shut with his foot and steps us farther into the foyer.
Without any words spoken, he holds me, and even though I feel like crying, I don’t. I can’t. I’m beyond drained, only having enough energy to break on the inside. I know Micah feels it, though. How could he not with how weak I am in his arms?
He grips me tighter for a moment before pulling back. “Sorry it took me so long. The roads are flooded.”
“It’s okay.”
His eyes flicker in worriment as he stares at me with a multitude of unspoken questions. He opts to lighten the weight of this moment when he says with a hint of somberness, “I leave you for a few months and your world goes to shit.”
A breath of a laugh sounds from my lungs, but it only lasts a split second before my face drops. If he only knew how bad it really was.
“Come on,” he says, draping his arm around my shoulders and walking us into the living room. We sit on one of the couches, and he angles himself to face me, pushing his fingers back through his long blond hair. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t even know where to start. Everything has just gotten so off track.”
“With Kason?”
I nod and then shift away from that topic, adding, “And school,” because there is nothing I can tell Micah that wouldn’t be the same runaround I’ve been giving Kason.
“So what’s going on with school? Why haven’t you been going?”
“I just . . .” I shrug. “I just don’t have it in me. It’s the last place I want to be.”
“Honestly . . . how much have you really missed? Can you salvage your grades?”
“I wasn’t joking on the phone. I’ve only gone a couple times to a few classes at the beginning of the semester. Most of my courses I’ve never even shown up to.”
“At all?”
I shake my head. “It’s really bad.”
“Damn,” he mutters with a heavy sigh. “And it’s too late to drop?”
“No. But it’s past the deadline for my mom to get her money back.”
“You’ve got to tell your mom, Guppy. She’s going to find out, but you can’t let these Fs hit your transcript.”
The thought of my mom finding out that I’ve completely blown this scares me, and I lower my head to my hands. “She’s going to be so mad at me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this was going on? We talk all the time.”
I drop my hands before looking at him and admitting, “I was embarrassed. I mean, I didn’t think it would get this bad, but then I realized how much I had actually missed. I knew I had screwed myself at that point, so I kept ditching. It just seems so easy for everyone else.” I release a defeated sigh and turn to the large windows that look out over the veranda and pool as the rain continues its lashing. I watch the storm, and when a low rumble of thunder sounds, I think aloud, “Maybe I made the wrong choice by staying. Maybe none of this would be happening if I chose to go somewhere else.”
Inside, I know this is the truth, because I never would’ve met Lana. She never would’ve taken me out that night. I also never would’ve met Liam. I would’ve lost Kason if I had chosen a different college and left him, but at least we wouldn’t have been destroyed like we are now.
I turn back to Micah, and with tears puddled in my eyes, I tell him, “I just don’t want to be here anymore.”
“Then come to Miami.”
“And do what?”
“Whatever you want,” he says, as if it’s that easy.
“There’s no way my mother is going to foot the bill for that when she finds out I just wasted all of her money on tuition and dorm fees.”
“So move in with me and Trent. We have an extra room we haven’t rented out yet.”
“I can’t just move.”
“Why not?”
The idea of fleeing is crazy when my life is here in Tampa, with my mom.
“I’m serious.” He takes my hands in his. “You’ve already pissed this semester away, so there’s nothing you need to stay here for, right? Just come with me when I head back. I’ll talk to my parents, but I’m sure they’ll be fine with you taking the third room.”
I imagine what this would look like: A new city with new surroundings and no Liam. It would be a new beginning. I let myself get lost in the idea that I could actually free myself from this nightmare and escape this town. And before I know it, everything in me is telling me to run to Miami with him, but I don’t know how this could possibly work.
“What about my mom?”
“You gotta come clean to her.”
“There’s no way she’s going to go for this, Micah. Not after I tell her about school.”
“Is it really her choice?” He moves his hands to my shoulders and dips his head to look me straight on. “You aren’t a kid anymore. If you want to leave . . . leave.”
His eyes hold the truth I’ve needed this whole time. He’s right. I’m miserable here. I feel like I’m dying a slow death, and I want out. No matter what she says, I know this is what I need to save myself from the suffocating memories this city now holds. I need to be in a place that doesn’t constantly remind me of this nightmare I’ve been living in. Micah’s offering me a lifeline I’d be stupid not to grab on to.
“Are you sure? Do you need to talk to Trent?”
“Don’t worry about Trent. I only need to get the okay from my parents. It’s their names on the lease.”
Suddenly, the door to the garage opens, and when my mom walks into view, her eyes widen. “Micah, what are you doing here?” She then looks to me, taking in my splotchy face. “Is everything okay, Ady?”
My pulse races anxiously, and I give Micah a pleading look for help.
“What’s going on?” The concern in my mother’s voice only stresses me out more, because I know this is the moment I’ve been trying so hard to avoid.
Micah takes my hand in his and gives me an encouraging nod as my mom walks into the living room and takes a seat on the other side of me. My gut twists in dread.
“Well? Is someone going to say something?”
“You can do this,” Micah encourages. “Just tell her the truth.”
“The truth about what?”
Sitting up, I turn to my mom as my palm sweats against Micah’s hand. I take a hard swallow before closing my eyes and saying, “There’s something I need to talk to you about.” Hesitantly, I look at her and see the worry splashed across her face.
“What is it?”
Micah gives my hand a little squeeze. “It’s about school.” Pausing, scared of what her reaction will be, I take in another deep breath and then make my confession. “I haven’t been going to my classes.”
“What do you mean you haven’t been going to your classes?”
“I never . . . I never showed up to them.”
I watch as her jaw tenses, and it takes a moment for her to respond. “I need you to explain yourself. What about all those times you told me you were tired from staying up late studying and writing papers? Were those all lies?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Her voice pitches in total shock, and I cringe. We’ve never had lies between us until now.
There’s so much I’ve kept hidden from her, and in my attempt to keep my secrets safe, I’ve deceived her numerous times.
Her attention shifts to Micah, and there is a bite of irritation in her next words. “Do you fit into this in any way, because aren’t you supposed to be in Miami?”
“I didn’t know about any of this until earlier today when we talked on the phone. That’s why I drove over.”
“Does Kason know?”
The mention of his name tugs at my slayed heart, and I can’t keep the pain from reflecting off every line on my face, and she takes notice.
“Does he?”
I drop my head and nod, murmuring, “Kind of.”
“Kind of?”
“Mom, I’m really sorry.”
Her agitation manifests. “I need you to be very clear with the facts of this situation.”
Being an attorney, I know she plans to grill me for a clear understanding, so I face the heat and lay it out there. “I only showed up to a couple of classes during the first week, but that’s all. I never went back.”
“You never went? Never did any assignments?” She raises her hands in frustration and drops them hard onto her knees. “So you’re failing everything?”
Again, I nod as my neck flames in heat.
“Why on earth would you do this?”
“I don’t know.”
“You need to do a lot better than that.”
I choke up, because what could I possibly say that would excuse all this?
Her eyes dart back to Micah. “I’m sorry, but Ady and I clearly have a lot to talk about. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
I clench my hand tighter around his, not wanting to face this alone, but when he leans in and says, “It’s okay. Just be honest with her,” I know alone is my only option.
He stands, and when I walk him to the door and leave my mother fuming in the other room, he gives me a hug I wish would last forever.
“The hard part is over, okay?” I nod against his chest and he draws back. “I’m going to go to my parents’ place and talk to them about Miami. Call me when you can.”
“All right.”
He drops a peck to my forehead with a friendly, “You got this, Guppy,” before walking out into the rain.
I close the door to one storm and turn to face another. My mom, who is now standing with her hands perched on her hips, clearly watched our whole exchange. As I walk back into the living room, I feel the weight of my mother’s hurt from my lies and her anger from my cowardly truth.
“Do you have any idea how it feels to realize my own daughter has been lying to me for months?”
“I know, and I’m sorry. I just didn’t know how to tell you. I was scared.”
“Well, I am not in the mood for avoidance, so I suggest you start talking and explaining why you’ve put yourself in this situation.”
She sits, and when I join her, I give her the same vagueness I fed Kason. “I don’t really know how to explain it. Everything has been off since I moved out, and I didn’t want to be there.”
“But I thought that was what you wanted. You told me it was. You were so excited to be going there with Kason.” I drop my head, feeling the stab of agony when I think about how optimistic I was about Kason and me. “Speaking of which,” she adds, and I look up. “Why is Micah here and not Kason?”
I slump my shoulders with an upsetting breath as tears lick the rims of my eyes.
“Ady?”
“I broke up with him.”
She sets her anger aside and wraps me in her arms, and I crack, weeping in the pain of my many open wounds.
“What happened?” she asks, stroking her hands through my hair.
“Everything.”
I cry while she holds me, but she doesn’t let up on the questions. “When did this happen?”
“Earlier today.” I pull back and wipe my face. “It all just fell apart.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you two were having problems?”
“Because I didn’t know how to deal with it. Everything is a mess right now, and I feel really lost.”
“These things happen. A lot changes when you leave high school, and relationships don’t always last forever the way we would hope.” Her words are meant to soothe, but they don’t. “Look, I’m furious with you about school, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am here for you, so why don’t you move back home until you can figure out what it is you want to do?”
But home isn’t where I want to be.
“I don’t think I want to be here anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“I just need a break, Mom.”
“Well, if you don’t want to come home, then where do you want to go?”
My hands fidget nervously in my lap. “Micah has an extra room at his place in Miami. He said I could stay with him and Trent for a while.”
“Miami? I don’t think so, sweetheart.”
“Why?”
“Because!” she exclaims and then seems to settle herself a bit. “What are you going to do in Miami? And not to mention that I am not okay with you shacking up with two guys.”
“They’re my friends, Mom. Would you rather me get a place all by myself?”
“I would rather you move back in here with me,” she snaps.
“But I don’t want to be here!” Tears spring from my eyes, and I drop my head into my hands again, completely helpless to escape this hell I’m living in.
“You aren’t telling me why? What is it that’s making you want to run away?”
“Nothing. I just want a little space.”
“From Kason?”
I lift my head and raise my voice between my tears, wailing, “From everything!”
“What is everything?”
My secrets bubble to the surface and threaten to boil over as my world comes plummeting down on top of me. It’s a raging war within my chest that’s hammering against the broken beats of my heart. I’m so lost and so alone, in fear of losing more than just Kason because all I can do is push people away. So when my mom comes down on me again, questioning, “What on earth is causing all this erratic behavior? This isn’t like you,” I lose all strength.
“Because something really bad happened to me.”
In a split second, everything silences around us. I can’t even hear the rapid breaths that are kicking out of me. My mother stares in horror, and I instantly regret what I just said, wishing with everything I have to snatch the words out of the universe and burn them to ash.
I don’t want her to know.
I don’t want anyone to know.
“What are you talking about?”
“Nothing.”
She grabs my hand, and when she feels how badly I’m shaking, her eyes intensify. “What happened?”
I retreat into myself, terrified to say anything more. “Mom, please. Forget I said that.”
“If there is one person in this world that you can trust, it’s me.” She reads my pain well as it slips from my eyes and drips down my cheeks. “Did someone hurt you?” Her question isn’t anything more than a fearful breath.
She blurs in prisms of muted colors on the other side of my tears when I give her the faintest nod of my head.
Her eyes water, and with a shallow breath, she gasps. “What happened?”
Too scared to touch that gaping wound, I beg, “Please don’t ask me that. Don’t make me say it. I-I can’t. I just—”
“Oh my god.” The chill in her voice tells me that she already knows without my having to speak the words I’m not ready for. I’m too scared to say it aloud. To put it out there in the world.
Her hand starts to tremble against mine, and she covers her mouth with the other. In a slip of a second, she begins to cry and the guilt of my actions slam down on my chest. “I’m so sorry.”
She pulls me into her arms, holding on to me tight enough to snap me entirely. An ugly sob rips from my chest, and I curl into her embrace as I try to hide from my own pain. Her hands press into me, and a second later, she begins crying along with me. Hearing her sadness feeds my blame for everything I did wrong that night. Not only did I hurt myself, I hurt Kason, too—and now my mother. How many more people will be affected by my bad choices from that night?
The storm outside has nothing on the two of us. My heart’s been in shambles for months, but to be witness to my mother’s heart as it breaks before me is too much to bear, but I do. I listen to each splitting fracture as she weeps until I can’t any longer. When I push back, she quickly wipes her face, reminding me of just one of the many reasons why I want to leave. My anguish alone is heavy enough for me to carry without having the burden of everyone else’s stacked on top.
“Who?” she murmurs weakly before clearing her throat and strengthening her voice. “Who did this?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Like hell it doesn’t.”
“It’s done, Mom. It was months ago.”
Her red eyes fall shut, pushing out a few more tears as she hangs her head. She knows the laws better than anyone, and even though it’s her job to seek justice, we both know there’s nothing either one of us can do at this point. Too much time has passed.
“Who else knows?” she asks when her eyes meet mine again.
“No one.”
“What about Kason?”
I shake my head as the burn of his love blisters from within.
“Is this secret the reason why you broke up with him?”
I nod, saying on a hoarse voice, “It all just fell apart. I couldn’t keep lying to him.”
“Maybe you should try telling him the truth. Kason loves you.”
“I can’t.”
She takes my hand in hers. “You have to talk about this with someone or it’s going to eat you alive.”
“But I don’t want to talk about it. What’s the point? It isn’t going to change anything.”
“Ady, it will help you deal with it so it doesn’t control your life.”
I pull my hand away from hers as I reach my limit of emotions. “I just want to go. I can’t be here anymore. I can’t be in the same town where this happened because I keep running into him.”
Her eyes widen in horror. “You mean the guy that did this?”
“I’m going to Miami whether you say it’s okay or not,” I tell her instead of answering her question. “I have to get out of here.”
“Maybe take a few days and we—”
“That’s all I’ve been doing. Waiting. Waiting and hoping that maybe this would all get better if I just gave it time. But it isn’t getting better; it’s only getting worse. And now that I don’t have Kason . . .” I take a hard swallow before sniffing and blinking back a new slew of tears. “I can’t do this any longer.”
“I’m scared for you.”
“I don’t want to talk about this. Please—”
“You need to. If not with me, and if not with Kason, then a therapist. But you have to talk to someone.”
“I can’t. Not now.”
My phone chimes from its spot on the coffee table, and when I peer over, I see the text lit up on the screen.
Micah: My parents said yes.
My mom is also looking at my cell and reading the text. She isn’t quick to move, but when she does, I see the defeat on her face. “I need to talk to his parents first.”
Hope billows through my veins, and I sit up a little straighter. “So, you’re okay with this?”
“What choice are you giving me?” She pauses for a moment, and I watch as another tear slowly makes its way down her cheek. I want to catch it, but I’m afraid it’ll burn me if I touch it. Pain is vicious like that. “I love you,” she eventually says. “I don’t want to lose you; I only want to keep you safe.”
“It doesn’t feel safe here, though.”
“I know it doesn’t. But I want to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself. If you go, will you promise that you will see a therapist. When you’re ready, I’ll make a few calls and get you set up with someone.”
With reluctance, I agree. “Just give me a little time, okay?” She runs her hand along the side of my face. “Can you do something for me?” I ask. “Can you get my cell number changed?”
Her brows cinch. “Why?”
“Because I know it’s only a matter of time before Kason starts calling me. And as much as it kills me not to have him in my life, I just can’t do it.” My face crumples as I try to hold myself together.
“I hate that you’re pushing him away and that he doesn’t know the truth as to why. He loves you so much.”
“And I love him, too. I do. But I can’t put this on him.” I break for a second and then add, “I need you to do something else for me.”
“What is it?”
“Will you take care of him?” The tears simply fall with no effort at all when I think about him having no one to look after him. “He hasn’t had an easy life, Mom. He’s suffered more than anyone should, and even though he’s losing me, I don’t want him to lose you, too.”
“He won’t lose me.”
“I’m serious, Mom. He’ll push you away, but you can’t let him. He needs someone looking out for him.”
She cradles my face in her hands. “I promise you.”
I trust in her words because I know the bond the two of them share.
“Will you please reconsider talking to him about this?”
I can’t because I know the truth of him. He was sexually abused himself and he carries the weight of that around with him every day. I couldn’t possibly pile my attack on him as well. It would only destroy him even more, put more weight and burden on him. His shoulders aren’t strong enough to carry it. That’s what I tell myself, but really, I never want him to look at me as the tainted girl I now am. He deserves better. He deserves stronger. He deserves what I once was but no longer am.
So, I ignore her request saying, “Please don’t forget to change my number.”
“I’ll do it first thing in the morning.”