The four of us sit at the back of the boat as we head out to our diving spot. I take a look around at the other people who’re taking selfies with excitement in their smiles, while I’m over here, picking off chips of my nail polish. I wasn’t exactly thrilled when they told me what the plans were today, but I didn’t say anything. It wasn’t until we finished our scuba training class and hopped on this boat that my anxiety became transparent. Also, it didn’t help when our instructor told our group that the spot we are going to is home to a number of nurse sharks. The news thrilled everyone except me. Again, I feigned calmness, but how can I be calm when I’m wearing a belt filled with weights that will sink me down to the bottom of the ocean?
When the boat slows to a stop and we anchor down, Kate holds her phone out in front of the four of us and captures the moment.
“Gear on everyone,” our instructor announces. “Let’s do this!”
Everyone slips their fins and masks on, and one by one, we step down onto the platform.
“When you jump into the water, go ahead and deflate your buoyancy compensator and drop straight down. Remember the hand signs I taught you. Wait on your knees, and when I join you, we’ll start our swim, okay?”
Everyone gives their nods of understanding.
I watch each person as they jump off the back of the boat, and when it’s finally Micah’s turn and he gets the approval to jump, he asks, “You nervous, Guppy?”
“A little.”
“I’ll wait for you. We can go down together.”
I give him a nod before he steps off the platform, bobbing in the water as he waits for the instructor to secure the tank onto my back.
“You ready?”
“Are there really sharks down there?” I question hesitantly.
He chuckles, saying, “You’re going to love it.”
“Come on, Ady!” Micah hollers, and I jump in.
Once he grabs ahold of my hand, we secure our regulators in our mouths, deflate our compensators, and sink down to meet everyone else on the white-sand bottom. Kate grabs my other hand as Trent and Micah shoot shaka signs at each other in excitement.
Our instructor takes the lead, and we are off to explore the coral and fish. I keep my hand secured in Micah’s as we glide through the water, taking in all the life beneath the surface. Brilliant blue water, colorful fish, incredible coral. Being as deep as we are, intruding upon this underwater habitat, I feel at peace. There’s no talking, no sounds aside from my regulator. It’s otherworldly—almost dreamlike.
Trent and Kate swim ahead of us, moving closer to a couple of other people, and when he turns to wave us over, Micah and I kick toward them. He points to our left, and my eyes widen in disbelief. A nurse shark, about five feet long, is resting under a coral ledge. I thought I’d be terrified, but beneath all this equipment, there’s a disconnect that gives me a sense of bravery I’m not privy to on land. I tug on Micah’s hand, letting him know I want a closer look, only to find another shark a few feet away. Unable to talk, Kate gives me an eager thumbs up from in front of me.
It’s that moment when I realize I’m no longer scared. Letting go of Micah’s hand, I swim alone, gliding over to Trent, who holds out his hand to give me a high five in passing. The four of us continue our exploration, and when I see a large school of tiny, bright yellow fish, Kate and I flutter our fins and swim through the center of them, sending the little fish scattering about as the sun’s rays pierce down in the water. Silently, I laugh, feeling so young and free, like a giddy child discovering a new magical realm.
All too soon, though, we get the signal to head back to the boat. Inflating our buoyancy compensators, we kick up and break through the water’s surface.
“Dude, those sharks were fucking epic,” Trent exclaims once we’re on the boat and heading back to land.
Kate and I giggle like young girls, oh my gosh-ing about all the colorful things we saw. It takes us a while to come down from this high of sharing a new adventure together, and when the boat docks, it’s already close to five o’clock. We head back to the hotel to shower and clean up. I slip on a long flowy sundress before tying my beach-kissed wavy hair into a ponytail. After only being here a few days, it’s already a brighter blonde from all the sun I’ve been getting.
We all head out to dinner at Duece’s Off the Hook, a local joint Trent’s been to before. From the outside, it looks like a hole-in-the-wall beach hut, but inside is a hidden gem of bistro-style seafood. Kate and I share the fresh grouper dinner. With the long day of scuba training and our dive, it doesn’t take long for yawns to emerge after we finish eating.
“I’m wiped,” Trent drones while Kate sits back in her chair, agreeing.
“You want to call it a night?” Micah asks, and we all nod.
The sun is just about to dip into the water when we get back to the suite. As everyone flops down in the living room, I decide to slip out.
“Where are you going?”
I look at Kate from over my shoulder. “I’ll be back in a little bit. I’m going to go watch the sunset.”
I head down to the white powder sand and take a seat. A sweet breeze brushes against my face as I soak in the remaining heat of the day. Tomorrow we head home, and I can’t believe how fast this week has flown by. It’s been nothing but relaxing, spending our days poolside, beachside, shopping, and eating. We took jet skis out several times, and Micah made good on his promise and has taken me to Mallory Square almost every night.
“It’s almost gone.”
I look to my side to find him standing next to me.
“It went fast tonight,” I note as I cast my eyes back over the water, which bleeds in a fiery blanket of melting oranges and pinks.
He sits next to me, his elbows resting on his bent knees as my legs lay stretched out in front me, ankles crossed and hands propped behind me.
“I never appreciated this until now.”
“Appreciated what?”
He looks at me, answering, “The sunsets. I’ve lived in Florida my whole life and never gave them the attention they deserved until you sat me down to watch them this week.”
“It’s funny how we take so many things for granted, only to realize how much we’ve missed the moment we finally stop to notice them.”
He stills when I say this, and something about the way his eyes are peering into mine sets me teetering nervously. There’s an uneven thumping in my chest, and when he leans over and closes the gap between us, I freeze. His lips touch mine, and the moment I feel how soft they are, hesitant and insistent all at the same time, that thumping hits harder, and I pull away.
“Ady—”
“Don’t.” I sit up, folding my legs in front of me, touching my fingers to my mouth.
“What’s wrong?”
It takes me a second to sort through the thoughts scrambling my mind right now. This is Micah. This is my best friend. What is he doing and what is this intensity on the other side of my ribs? “I can’t . . .” I drop my hand away from my lips and look at the confusion in his eyes. “I can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t even think about doing this—with anyone,” I tell him. “I still haven’t fully come to terms with losing Kason.”
His eyes fall away from me the moment I say his name, and his jaw clenches. “That was six months ago.”
“It was, but I didn’t break up with him because I wanted to or because I stopped loving him. I did it because I had no other choice.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Then uncomplicate it for me, because what am I supposed to think when, for weeks, you’ve been letting me into your bed every night?”
His words come sharply, but I can hear the pain in them from beneath the blade. I hadn’t realized I’d been leading him on.
“I’m sorry. I thought you coming to my room was innocent, I just . . . I’ve been hurting for so long, and when you stay the night with me, somehow I don’t hurt so badly. I’m sorry if I led you to feel something more.”
“You think this is new?” He shifts back to me, and I take a hard swallow. “This isn’t something that has just appeared out of nowhere, Ady.” He takes a brief pause before confessing, “I fell for you the moment I met you.”
My mouth parts in shock at his admission.
“I remember that day clearly. I invited you out to the beach, and you gave me some lame ass excuse about needing to unpack, but then you showed up. I thought I had a chance.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Because as soon as I saw how you looked at Kason, I knew it would never happen. It was nothing like the way you looked at me. So, I stood by and watched you fall for my best friend while I was falling for you.”
“I . . .” I’m stunned nearly speechless, having never had a clue this is how he felt toward me. “I didn’t know.”
“Would it have made a difference?”
His question catches me off guard because the truth would only hurt him. Because it was always Kason, and nothing, not even Micah’s feelings for me would have kept me from wanting to give my heart over to him. I loved Kason beyond anything. I still love him, even though I feel the love shifting in some unexplainable way as time goes on.
“Forget it,” he says. “I don’t want to know the answer.” He then stands, and without a second look, he walks away, leaving me to process what he just told me.
I owe Micah so much, and my feelings for him are strong, but they’re also so very unclear. There was no question when it came to Kason. He was soul-consuming in every way possible. He was my everything, and I thought we held forever in the palm of our hands. He was my first love, my first taste of everything. He was the one who opened my eyes to a whole new world and gave me so much to look forward to. God his love was so beautiful and so patient. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times he still found a way to hold my hand in my sleep.
And what kills me the most is that I had to walk away from the best thing I ever knew. I had to give him up in order to protect him from suffering through any more pain. I wish that he could’ve been stronger, less damaged, more capable. In a way, more like Micah because he’s the one who is making it possible for me get better. I hate to compare the two—it isn’t fair, but it is what it is. I will never deny the love that sparked within my heart for Kason, but flames don’t die so easily when they burned as fiercely as they did between us.
But it isn’t just Kason, it’s everything else I’ve been dealing with. Processing the rape, coping with my anxiety and the after effects, learning how to move forward. It’s a lot to deal with. I know that one day I’ll have to open my heart up to someone else, but it isn’t something I’m ready to do right now.
I remain in my thoughts as the sky continues to darken before finally standing. There’s so much unease bundled inside me when I walk into the suite. My stomach knots when I see Micah and Trent in the living room. He glances my way but then turns back to the television. I want to speak, to say something to take away whatever feelings plague him, but I have nothing. So, I walk back to my room and find Kate already passed out.
I change into a pair of pajamas and slip into bed, careful not to wake her. Reaching over, I turn on the light Micah bought me. I stare into its soft glow, and my heart grows heavy. With my fingertip, I glide over the smooth polished inside, admiring the ivory and how it seamlessly blends into a soft pink, deepening in color the closer to the core it gets.
After a while, the television turns off along with all the lights. I lie awake, wondering if Micah is doing the same. Wondering exactly what it is he’s thinking. Wondering if I’ve ruined our friendship somehow. I toss and turn, finding myself staring at the shell time and time again, reminding me how thoughtful and supportive he’s been throughout everything.
I can’t lose him after I’ve already lost so much, but I also know that I can’t give him what he wants, either.
This night is more restless than most, and when a closing door catches my attention, I sit up.
Slipping out of bed, I pad across the suite and peek into the boys’ room to find Trent sound asleep and Micah’s bed empty. Feeling like I’m the one at fault here, I grab a key card and go to look for him, eventually finding him down by the pool.
I approach cautiously as he reclines back in one of the loungers, wearing nothing but a pair of athletic shorts. His long hair nearly glows silver under the moon, and the light from the pool casts him in wavy veins of brightness. My movement catches his attention.
“What are you doing out here?” I ask timidly when I sit on the edge of the lounge chair that’s next to him.
“Couldn’t sleep.”
There has never been as much tension between us as there is right now. This isn’t us. It never has been, and I hate it.
He releases a deep breath and breaks the silence when he says, “Do you know how hard it was for me to see how badly he hurt you when he cheated on you?”
I shake my head. Micah will never understand the truth to Kason and what led him to do that to me.
“And then, just like that, you ran back to him.” He finally looks at me with so much sadness in his eyes. “I would never do what he did to you.”
My head drops. “You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t.”
“Micah, please. I don’t want this to come between us.”
He sits up and turns toward me so our knees are touching. “This tension . . . it’s always been there between us. You just didn’t know it until now.”
His hands then come to my knees, and he plants a still kiss on my forehead before walking away from me for the second time tonight.