Kason holds my hand as he drives me back to my mom’s house, and I let him because I need the comfort his touch provides. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have any answers for anything. All I do know is that there is a force beyond my control pulling me toward Kason. A force that’s impossible to ignore, and even though I’m wrong for doing what I’m doing, I feel powerless when I’m around him.
He pulls around the circular drive and shifts the car into park. Leaning my head back against the seat, I look at him, feeling so weak and overwhelmed. His hand slips behind my neck, and I go to him freely, allowing him to kiss me. Moving slowly, we kiss a few times before falling away from each other.
I can tell he wants to say something, but he doesn’t speak, and neither do I. But words seem unnecessary when we already know what the other is thinking. We’re nothing more than broken hearts wishing for salvation in this monumental wave of confusion. Without saying a word, I slip my hand out of his and get out of the car. I watch as he drives away, and the moment he’s gone and I’m all alone, I’m overcome with guilt.
It eats away at me for the rest of the evening and into the following day. I don’t say much to my mom when I see her in the morning before she heads off to work. And when Micah calls to check in, I let it go to voice mail. The only person I do respond to is Kason when he texts me in the afternoon while I’m lying out by the pool.
Kason: Thank you for coming with me yesterday.
Me: Thank you for letting me.
He doesn’t text back, and something inside me deflates. I set the phone down, and I’m in the middle of chastising my behavior when the phone chimes.
Kason: I can’t stop thinking about you.
His single text evaporates my heavy conscience, giving me something else to focus my energy on. Something that gives birth to a myriad of butterflies in my stomach.
Me: I can’t stop thinking about you, either. But I’m so confused.
Kason: I know you are.
Me: This isn’t fair.
Kason: To who?
Me: To any of us.
Leaving my phone on the lounge chair, I jump into the water to cool off my skin that’s been baking under the ripe sun before toweling off and heading back inside. After taking a shower to rinse off the chlorine, I pick up my phone to see that Micah tried calling again. I debate calling him back, but the thought alone yanks my gut into a grim knot.
There’s so much I can’t say to him, and I don’t want to lie. He’s too good for that crap, but I can’t be honest, either. Because, again, he’s too good for me to hurt him like that. I honestly don’t even know what to say when I don’t even know where my heart lies anymore.
Micah’s ring adorns my finger. He’s given me a love that has been a constant in my life, a love that’s so amazing and so easy that I’ve never had to question it. It built me back up when I was in pieces and gave me hope. I swear Micah’s love is what saved me.
So why am I doubting it?
Why am I allowing something else to get in its way?
I’m supposed to be getting married; yet, I spent yesterday afternoon kissing my ex-boyfriend.
My phone chimes.
Micah: Tried calling a few times. Is everything okay?
I rake my hands through my hair.
What on earth am I doing?
All these secrets begin to pile up, and I need to get out from under them just so I can breathe.
Micah: ???
I quickly turn my phone off, toss it on to the coffee table, and drop my head into my hands with a frustrating groan.
“Is everything okay?”
I look up to find my mother standing a few feet away from me. “What are you doing home so early? I didn’t even hear you come in.”
She dodges my question, asking again. “Is everything okay with you?”
I open my mouth to brush her off and tell her everything is fine, but the words catch on the truth and get tangled in my throat. When I don’t respond, she comes closer and takes a seat next to me.
“Honey?”
She drops her hand to my knee, and if there were anyone who could give me the best advice, there’s no doubt it would be her, so I exhale deeply and confess, “I’m really confused, Mom.”
“About what?”
“About Micah.” I lean back and stare blindly out the windows. “I had everything planned out. I was so certain . . . and now . . . I don’t know.”
“Did you guys get into an argument or something?”
“No. Nothing like that. It’s just . . .”
She gives my knee a squeeze, and when I look at her, she questions gently, “Does this have something to do with Kason?”
Fear of admitting the truth presses down on my shoulders, but I know that no matter what I say, my words will be safe with her. But trepidation remains as I give her a timid nod.
Her eyes soften toward me and her head tilts to the side. “Did something happen between the two of you?”
She asks me this, but I’m not ready to face this obstacle yet. Not with her. It’s one thing to acknowledge it with Kason, but to anyone else . . .
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“That’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.”
“I’m just confused,” I tell her. “I thought I knew what I wanted, but I never expected to feel this way about someone else.” I look down at my ring and then back to her. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
She shifts and faces me straight on. “Don’t rush this,” she says with unquestionable seriousness. “Whatever is going on, whatever you are feeling right now, I think it’s important that you take some time to figure out exactly why it is you’re feeling this way. Marriage is a big deal, and I know you understand that. But sometimes we can become blinded by the fairy tale. And if there’s something inside you that is making you question yourself, then you need to listen to it before you commit your life to Micah.”
“I’m so conflicted. I mean Micah is so good, and he’s done nothing wrong. He’s perfect in every way. I shouldn’t even be questioning this.”
“It’s okay to question and to doubt. It doesn’t make you a bad person, Ady. It makes you smart. It tells me that you aren’t taking this commitment lightly,” she assures. “And you’re right, Micah is good. He’s a wonderful man, but that doesn’t mean that you should marry him just because you can’t find faults in him. Marriage isn’t about finding the one with the most flawless qualities. Because even if you had the perfect man standing in front of you, if your heart is calling you elsewhere, it’s never going to last.”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone. And at this point, I feel like no matter what I do, someone’s going to get hurt.”
“You can’t think about that. In situations like this, you have to do what’s best for you,” she stresses. “You can’t make decisions like this based on other people’s feelings. You need to be thinking about what you want, what you need, and how you feel.” She takes a pause before asking, “Have you talked to Micah about any of this?”
I shake my head. “I’ve been scared to because I don’t want to lie to him.”
“No one is saying you have to lie, but you could at least tell him that you’re scared. I mean, this is a big commitment, and I think he would be understanding without you having to go into too much detail. But I do think he has a right to know how you’re feeling.”
I drop my head as the weight of this situation settles in the pit of my stomach.
“You can’t avoid this, dear. You have to take your time and figure this out. You can’t go into a marriage with doubts. And as difficult as it might be, you can’t keep Micah in the dark, either.”
“I know. But what do I say?”
“I can’t tell you what to say because I’m not in your heart. You admit this has something to do with Kason, but I don’t know the depths of it. What you two have shared in the past, and whatever is going on now, that’s something only the two of you will ever truly understand. And I’m not even saying that he needs to know that Kason is a part of it at all. But like I said, he has the right to know that you’re starting to feel nervous.”
All I can think about is Micah and how good he is. How loving he is. Being with him is so easy, and I know we’d go through life with minimal worries. And then there’s Kason. And yeah, he comes with baggage, he comes with risk, but he also comes with a passion that’s fierce and relentless. It’s a force that has always drawn me to him in a way I can’t deny. But that tug, that pull, that irrefutable draw, I don’t feel that with Micah, which scares me to death.
“Look,” she says, taking my hands in hers. “You don’t want to go into a marriage wondering if you’re making a mistake. And if your heart is being pulled toward another man, you have to figure this out.”
“I know,” I say on a sigh and let my shoulders fall a bit.
“I’m not going to lie and tell you that everything will be okay, because you’re about to get into a very messy situation, so just be prepared. But no matter what, I have your back. I will always be on your side, no matter what.”
“So what do I do now?”
“Talk to Micah. And if you are not one hundred percent sure you want to marry him, then you need to take some time. There’s no rush here,” she tells me. “But you need to do what’s best for you.”
I think about how invested she is in Micah and I as a couple and how much she likes him. The sick feeling in my stomach intensifies when I think about the chance of all that going away. But then I sway over to Kason. Could I really walk away from him? Could I hurt him all over again?
“I’m so sorry,” I tell her, my eyes pricking from everything that’s stirring inside me.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she insists. “You are my daughter first. I love you. And trust me, this isn’t your first obstacle to battle through, and it won’t be your last. But you have me, and no matter what you choose to do, I will stand by your decision and support you.”
I wrap my arms around my mother, and she rubs my back as she hugs me. Now that I have told someone the truth to what’s been plaguing me, I feel like I’ve unleashed a trampling wild beast inside me. The fear of its presence can be felt from all over, twisting my stomach, needling my heart, and gnawing on anything it can get ahold of. I feel sick with dread, knowing I can’t hide from this any longer. I can’t keep avoiding Micah’s calls, and I definitely cannot continue to lead Kason on. One way or another, I’m going to have to find it within me to figure this out.