I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I stared out my window, longing to see cruise ships instead of yachts. Ever since I returned, I’ve wanted to run right back to Kason. I tell myself over and over to stop thinking that way, but I can’t. The sun rises out of the water, and no longer can I keep denying what’s right in front of me. I didn’t need to come back to Miami to clear my head and figure out where my heart is.
It’s with Kason.
It always has been.
I can attempt to fight it and come up with a million excuses why I shouldn’t feel this way, but all I am doing is prolonging the inevitable.
I’m in love with Kason.
It’s a truth that won’t go away. A truth that has been there since I was seventeen. I never stopped loving him. That isn’t to say that I don’t love Micah. I do. I fell so hard for him during a time when his love was so perfect for me. But looking back, I fell in love with a broken heart and torn roots, on weak knees and tear-soaked pillows.
I’m stronger now.
I’m not the same broken girl I used to be. The type of girl who needed a man like Micah. I realize now that it’s no longer enough, and that I can handle the intensity of Kason. A man who is powerful and fierce and utterly soul consuming. He always has been.
Logic tells me not to rush into any decisions and to take my time, but I don’t want to waste another minute because I know what I want. Taking more time is only going to hurt Micah worse when I don’t want to hurt him at all.
I started packing up my room last night. There’s only a few things that remain, which I have to take care of before Micah returns later tonight.
I’m sick to my stomach, thinking about having to break his heart and shatter his dreams of a life together. I keep telling myself he deserves better than me, better than a woman whose heart still belongs to another man, but it doesn’t make this any less hard. Worse than anything, I’m going to lose him as a friend. I’ve played it in my head a thousand times, and I can’t find a single scenario where he forgives me. I won’t blame him for his anger, for his lack of forgiveness. What I’m doing, what I’ve done, is unforgiveable.
Even though I’m choosing to walk away, it doesn’t negate the fact that my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I love Micah—that stands true—but I love Kason more.
I pick up the phone and call him. There’s no doubt I hurt him when I left, but this is something I had to do. I had to get away, even if only for a day to clear out any doubt that was shadowing my honest feelings. The shadow is gone, though, and I wish Kason would just answer so I can settle his heart, but he doesn’t, and this isn’t something to be left frivolously on his voice mail.
I sit on the edge of my bed and then call my mother.
“Is everything okay?” is how she answers.
“I hope so,” I tell her. “But I need your help.”
“What is it?”
My ribs begin splintering, knowing I’m starting something I won’t be able to reverse. Knowing that this is actually happening. “I need you to find a moving company that will come pick up my belongings.”
“Where are you going?”
I hiccup past the ball of pain in my throat. “I’m coming back home, Mom.”
I then break down, and she assures me that everything will work out, and that all I need is a little time for my life to readjust. The truth is, I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about Micah. Because when this ends tonight, I’ll have Kason to help me through, but Micah will be all alone.
I look at the time on my phone and know I have a handful of hours left to be packed and ready to go before Micah gets home. There’s no way I can break his heart and then sleep across the hall from him. He’s going to want me out anyway. He’s probably going to hate me.
I will do what I can to make this easier on him, so I wipe my tears and continue to box everything up. After a couple of hours, my mother calls me to let me know she’s made arrangements for the movers to come by in two days and clear out my room. Micah has texted me a few times as well, letting me know that his flights are on time and that his car is at the airport, so I don’t need to pick him up.
Kate stops by with lunch, but I can’t eat. She sits on the bed with me while I cry and consoles me as best she can.
“If you want, I can go with you and just catch a flight back if you’re worried about driving alone.”
I shake my head, denying her request, and then telling her, “Kason won’t answer my calls. He has no idea I’m coming back.”
“I can’t believe you’re leaving so suddenly.”
“I can’t stay. I can’t put Micah through that.”
“I know,” she says through her own tears. “I’m just worried about you. You’re my best friend.”
“And you’re mine.”
When she leaves, I find a morsel of peace knowing that at least I will still be in the same state as her instead of the other side of the country.
I then load my car with as many boxes as I can fit, but I am only able to get a few in. Heading back into the condo, I find Trent inside.
“Everything okay?” he asks, taking in my red eyes.
And it’s now I realize that I might be losing him as well. He’s Micah’s best friend. There’s no way he’s going to talk to me after this. My tears swell, and I walk straight into his arms, giving him a hug.
“Hey,” he says softly. “What’s wrong?”
“You’ve been a really good friend to me, and I need you to know how much I appreciate you.”
“Dude.” He tightens the hug for a second before pulling back. “Don’t get all hormonal on me. You know my ass will be coming to Cali to visit every chance I can get.”
I give him a nod, unable to speak through the boulder of emotions I’m trying to suppress.
He grabs a few things from the fridge, saying, “I’m gonna stay in my new place tonight since you two haven’t seen each other in a while. Don’t need to be hearing my boy getting laid.”
A breathless chuckle escapes through my anguish. “You’re gross.”
“Catch ya later.” He then leaves, and it’s for the best that he won’t be here tonight.
I lock the door and then make my way into Micah’s room—our room. The one we’ve been sharing for years. I crawl into his bed and slip under his sheets, salting his pillows with heartbreaking agony. The pain cuts from deep within, planting scars in their path of destruction. How will I ever forgive myself for doing this to him? Micah is so incredible, and I don’t doubt the beautiful life we could’ve had. In a world of darkness, he brightened my days and gave me hope when all of mine had been depleted. But I can’t stay with him out of obligation when my heart is being called elsewhere. He’s worth so much more than that.
I take this moment alone and say my goodbyes, crying until I can’t anymore. Soaking up his scent into the crevasses of my lungs, I make a tiny home for him in the corner of my heart and drag myself out of his bed and back into my room to wait.
My bags are packed and loaded in my car that will take me back to Tampa tonight, while my room is filled with cardboard boxes. It seems like forever ago that I moved in here. I was running away from everything, including Kason. Never did I imagine this being my life four years later. Again, it feels like my world is falling apart, but this time, I’m running toward Kason.
Staring out the window for the last time, I count boats while I wait for Micah to come home to our home no more.
As the setting sun stains the sky in fluorescent pinks and purples, I hear the door open and hold my breath.
“Ady?”
I open my mouth, but choke on fear before I can respond. My skin goes cold as I stare at the door, and then, before my eyes, he appears.
“Shit!” he remarks when he takes in my room, which is entirely packed up. “You work fast, babe.”
Paralyzed, I remain on the bed, unmoving and unspeaking as he smiles and walks toward me. He takes my hands and pulls me off the bed and into his arms. His lips fall on mine, and even though mine don’t belong to him anymore, I kiss him back, taking one last drink of his sweet goodness as he holds me in his soft embrace. Tender and gentle, a stark contrast to Kason’s strong and passionate.
“God, I missed you,” he mumbles against my lips before taking another kiss. But he senses my rigidness and loosens his hold on me. “Are you all right?”
I take a step back on wobbly knees and sit down on the bed.
“Ady?”
I look into his eyes, and my whole body begins trembling. He takes a seat next to me and holds my hand. “You’re shaking.”
With a deep breath and a prayer for courage, I say, “We need to talk.”
His features harden in worriment of my tone. “About?”
And when emotions boil to the surface, I crack on a broken voice, whispering, “I’m so sorry.”
“What’s going on?”
I shake my head, not wanting to do this, to own up to what I’ve done and to hurt him.
“Ady, you need to talk to me.”
“I am so sorry, Micah.”
“Tell me what’s going on.”
I fold in on myself and drop my head into my hands, too much of a coward to look him in the eyes when I tell him, “I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t”
“What are you talking about?”
I begin crying and then spear him with the first dagger. “I can’t marry you.”
He doesn’t say anything, and when I lift my head, I’m greeted with a look of utter disbelief. Micah then takes another scan of the room, and his expression worsens when he turns back to me. “Are you leaving?”
“Micah—”
“What the hell is going on, Ady? I mean, I get that shit is moving fast, but if you need us to slow down, then I swear to you, we’ll slow it down.”
“It isn’t that.”
“Then tell me what it is so I can fix it because I had no idea you were this unhappy.”
“I’m not unhappy,” I tell him.
“Well, what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
I shift toward him and brace myself for the moment I’ve been freaking out over. “I lied to you. When we talked on the phone and you . . . you asked if this had anything to do with Kason. I lied when I told you no.”
Horror strikes his eyes as they bore into me, and I instinctively reach for him when he stands, but he takes a few steps so he’s out of my reach. “Did something happen between you guys?”
I stare in fear, knowing how badly the truth is going to hurt him, and I don’t utter a word. I only nod.
His jaw tightens. “Did you sleep with him?”
I lose control, and a weak sob bleeds out of me, and all I can say is, “I’m sorry.”
“What the fuck, Ady?” His voice is pure gravel as he stalks across the room with an angry hand fisting his long hair. “So, let me get this straight. I go to California to find us a place to start our lives together and you’re fucking your ex-boyfriend?”
“It isn’t like that.”
“Then tell me what I’m fucking missing, because it sounds exactly what this is like.”
I stand and walk over to him, but he’s entirely closed off from me. His breathing staggers in shock as I watch his soul fracture right in front of me.
“I thought you loved me.”
“I do,” I say with undeniable fervency. “I love you so much.”
A tear swells and drips down his face. “You’re full of shit.”
“I swear to you, I love you. I do. And you’ve done everything right, but . . .”
“But what?”
I take a hard swallow and brace myself when I admit, “But I love him, too.”
His head begins to shake, and he turns away from me again, “So what is it? You love him more?”
“It’s a different kind of love with him,” I try to explain, and when I step in front of him, I continue, “It wouldn’t be fair to marry you when I feel this way about someone else. You deserve so much better than that.”
“You’re all I fucking want!” he grits between his teeth as another tear rips down his face. He grabs my cheeks in his hands so hard it hurts. “From the moment I saw you, I wanted you!” He lets go of me with such force that I stumble back a few steps. It takes him a moment to regain his composure, and when he does, he asserts, “He’s going to hurt you. He’s done it before.”
“Maybe so,” I tell him. The truth is, with his addiction, there’s a very good chance that he will hurt me. I can’t let that fear be the deciding factor in all of this, though.
I know what I’m choosing to love.
I’m choosing to love an addict.
A sex addict.
And I know it won’t be easy. Our path will be filled with road blocks and stumbles along the way. We might even crash and burn. But I love him. I love him from the marrow in my bones, from the breath my soul feeds from.
He’s my everything.
I then take a step closer to Micah. “The thing is, the chance of him hurting me is a probability. But the chance of me hurting you is a certainty, because you’re never going to be okay spending a life with me, knowing that I feel this way about another man. I love you too much to lie to you or to pretend that I don’t have these feelings.” Sadness rumbles in my chest, and I have to take another deep breath to calm it. “And I love you. There is no arguing that. You saved me, and I owe you everything for that, but I can’t give you my life when my heart feels this way. I have to listen to what it’s telling me.”
“So that’s it? Just like that? After all these years and everything we’ve been through . . . it’s just . . . over?”
Looking down at the beautiful ring he gave me, I slip it off my finger.
“I don’t want it,” he chokes out painfully.
“I can’t keep it.”
I hold it out for him, and he stares right past it and into my eyes.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose you, either,” I weep. “But I have to go.”
“Now? You won’t even give me one more night?”
“I can’t do that to you, Micah. Because in the morning, my decision is still going to be the same.”
He closes the gap between us, taking my face back in his hands, but this time, they hold me tenderly. His eyes shine brightly behind devastating tears. There’s no possibility of doubting our love any more than there is a possibility of erasing it. We’re stained in it, and we will be forever.
“I love you,” he professes. “Whatever you need, I’ll give it. I’ll look past what you did with him. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
With the tips of my fingers, I wipe his tears from his cheeks. “The thing is, maybe you can look past it, but I’ll never be able to. And I know that’s a horrible thing to say, but I can’t leave you with lies.”
“Don’t do this.”
“I swear to God above, you’re my angel. When I say you saved me, I mean it. You scooped up all my broken pieces and put me back together. You taught me how to trust again, and I will never forget how wonderful it felt falling in love with you.” I drop my head and cry as he pulls me against his chest. “I never thought we would come to this. And it kills me to walk away from you because I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Don’t leave me.”
Pulling back, I take his hand in mine, palm up, and give him back the ring. “You’re my best friend.” I close his fingers around the diamond. “I hope that one day, you’ll be able to forgive me for this.”
I walk over to my nightstand and pick up my cell phone and car keys.
“The movers will be here the day after tomorrow to clear out my room. Kate said she would be here if you couldn’t be.”
I then walk back over to where he still stands, shattered to pieces. With silent tears streaming down both of our faces, I reach out one last time, slip my hand over his heart, and absorb its beats into my body. “Getting over you will probably be one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to do.”
He then steps away from me, the ring drops to the floor, and he walks out of the room.