“You’re quiet,” Kason says as he drives me home.
“I’m tired.” It’s only half of the truth, though. The thing is, I’m scared to leave him, because I know the second I do, the all-consuming delirium I feel when I’m with him will vanish, leaving me in the despair of my reality.
I cheated on Micah.
The weight of my actions are already compounding and dragging me down. I’m not ready to face the consequences or the wrath of Micah when he finds out.
God, what have I done?
How did yesterday get so far out of hand that every line dissolved into nothingness? How did I not even care? And how does Kason do that to me? Make everything outside the two of us just disappear? It’s as if nothing exists beyond us.
I bite my bottom lip to keep it from quivering, and Kason takes notice when he pulls around the drive and parks in front of my house. “Talk to me, babe. Tell me what has you on the verge of tears.”
“Everything is so messed up,” I blurt out. “I’m not this person.”
“And what kind of person is that?”
“One that lies and cheats when I’m committed to someone else,” I tell him as my anxiety strengthens. I pull my hand out of his and drop my head. “God, Kason, what have I done? What am I supposed to tell Micah? How am I supposed to explain this?”
“Tell him the truth.”
“I don’t even know what the truth is anymore.” I lift my head and see the confusion in his eyes, but I’m even more confused. “I have so many thoughts tangled in my head, and I don’t know how to make sense out of them.”
He stares out the window in silence, and when he faces me again, there’s bitterness in his eyes. “Then what the fuck was last night?” His tone strikes hard, and I don’t blame him.
“I don’t know,” I respond meagerly, not wanting to evade him because he deserves the god’s honest truth. “When I’m with you, I’m blind to everything else. All I see is you and all I feel is you and all I want is you. But outside of you, I have Micah. I have a life with him. We have years together, and all I’ve had with you is two weeks.”
“You know we are so much more than two weeks.”
“I know,” I admit. “And you’re right, but somehow, in such a short period of time, my world has gotten flipped upside down, and I’m scared because I can’t wrap my mind around what’s happening anymore.”
“Do you love me?”
“That isn’t even a question, Kason. Of course I love you. But I love Micah, too.” My words slap him across the face, but he should know this. I would’ve never gotten engaged to a man I didn’t love. But these two loves are so vastly different, and I need space to figure out and make sense of this mess I’ve created. “I need time to think and really figure out exactly what it is that I’m feeling.”
“So, where does that leave me, huh?”
“I don’t know,” I stress. “I don’t even know where that leaves me, which is why I should probably go back to Miami for a little while.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? You’re just going to bail?”
“I’m not bailing. It’s where I live, plus Micah’s coming back home tomorrow, and no matter what, I’m going to have to find some way to tell him what I’ve done.”
“You say that as if you have regrets.”
“I don’t even know how to respond to that,” I tell him, because I don’t regret what I did—what we did. I only regret that it happened while I’m still in a relationship with someone else. Someone who doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. Micah’s never done anything wrong, and I just betrayed him in the worst way possible.
“Don’t bother,” he clips, shifting the car into drive. “Just go back home.”
“Kason, don’t do this. Please understand.”
His jaw flexes in utter irritation.
“I just need to figure this out.”
“Yeah, I get it,” he snaps, completely closing himself off from me, but I can’t give him answers I don’t have. I know my heart is so undeniably tethered to his, but I’m scared I’m fooling myself into feeling something that might only be a product of what we had left behind, mixed with my guilt for deserting him. What if I get back to Miami and realize that this was all a mistake and the life I chose with Micah is the one I truly want?
“Kason—”
“Just go, Adaline.”
Grabbing my backpack, I get out of the car, and as soon as I close the door, he’s speeding off, taking chunks of my heart with him. Consumed by so much anguish, I drag myself through the front door with tears streaming down my face.
“Ady? Is that you?” my mom calls from her office, but I don’t have the energy to answer.
As I make my way to the stairs, she walks into the room, takes one look at me—disheveled and wearing Kason’s clothes—and stops. I look her in the eyes, and she sees right through me, instantly knowing why I was out all night and what I was doing.
Her face drops in compassion as she comes to me and gathers me in her arms. “Oh, Ady.”
I break down and begin weeping. “I love him, Mom.”
I want to believe I’m a child and that my mom still has the power to fix my mistakes, but the blade ripping through my soul tells me that I’m on my own with this. But for now, I’ll take her comfort for what’s it’s worth, because I know when I go back to Miami, this is all going to fall on my shoulders, and I’m going to have to face this head on.
When I pull back, she smooths my hair with her hands as I wipe my face. “I have to go home,” I tell her. “I thought I could figure this out here, but I’ve only made everything more complicated.”
“What are you going to do?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. But I can’t be the kind of girl who does what I did last night.” I sit on the bottom step of the stairs, and my mom joins me at my side. Leaning over, I rest my head on her shoulder as she drapes her arm around me.
“Sometimes, we let our hearts get away from us, dear. And when that happens, it’s a painful lesson,” she says as a few more stray tears bleed out of me. “You aren’t the first girl who followed her heart straight into a bad decision, and you won’t be the last.”
“This is going to destroy Micah.”
“It’s going to hurt him, but it won’t destroy him. And if you two decide to stay together, then you’ll find a way to work through it and move on.”
“What about Kason?”
She pushes against my shoulders, and when I lift my head, she says, “You cannot live your life constantly fearing how your choices are going to impact others. It’s okay to be concerned and to care, but it isn’t okay to make decisions based on someone else’s emotions.” She runs her fingers beneath my eyes and takes my shoulders back in her hands, telling me honestly, “Whatever you decide to do, someone is going to get hurt, but this is your life. You need to be doing what is right for you.”
I tuck her words safely in my head because I know I’m going to need them to get myself through what’s coming my way. She follows me upstairs, and as I take a shower and clean up, she gets on her phone and books me a one-way ticket back to Miami that leaves in a couple of hours.
Once I’m dressed and packed, I toss on a pair of sunglasses to hide my swollen eyes. I shoot Kason a quick text to let him know I’m flying out, but he doesn’t text back. When we get to the airport, my mother insists that I take what little time I have to myself to think before Micah comes back, and then we say our goodbyes. After nearly two weeks, it feels strange to be going back home because nothing is the same anymore.
After I go through the security check, I sit at the gate and wait for them to start boarding, all the while, fighting the urge to run out of here and back to Kason.
I check my phone again to see he still hasn’t responded. And by the time I land back in Miami, I resolve that he has no intention to text me back. After a call to Kate, I go to baggage claim, pick up my suitcase, and wait outside for her. In no rush for anything to happen, I sit on one of the benches to wait despite the yearning to run away to a place that’s far from what I’m about to face and closer to where I left my heart.
Cars sit bumper to bumper as they pick up travelers of all kinds. Smiles and laughter and I’m so happy to be heres come from all around, but no such reaction is my own. Instead, I sulk in dread as I repeat the same question over and over, asking myself what have I done and what am I going to do.
The questions only hit me harder the moment I see Kate pull up to the curb. A face that has nothing to do with my life back in Tampa but everything to do with my life here in Miami beams when she gets out of the car to greet me with a much too undeserving hug. I force a smile and hug her in return before loading my suitcase in the trunk and hopping in the passenger seat.
“So, I see you came to your senses,” she remarks while being half distracted as she maneuvers her way through the airport traffic. After I initially talked to my mom about all my confusion, I had called Kate before I spoke to Micah. Without going into detail, I told her about Kason and how conflicted I was.
“I’m just ready to get home,” I tell her, not believing my own words. Because, honestly, I’m not so certain this is home anymore. “I’m seriously exhausted.”
“You look like it.” She then slips on her sunglasses before adding, “No offense.”
I watch my best friend for the past few years as she drives back to the condo, happy at least to have her in my company since I’m not sure I’m ready to be left alone.
“So, what have you been doing since I’ve been gone?” I ask, desperate for a distraction from my messy situation.
“I started my new job a few days ago. The people seem really nice.”
“Why didn’t you call me?” I ask, feeling guilty for not knowing that her first day has already come and gone.
“It isn’t a big deal. Plus, you had your own distractions.”
Dodging that bullet, I keep the focus on her. “How was it?”
“Fine, I guess. I buddy-upped with another girl who works there. She’s basically just shown me the computer system and has gone over one of the client portfolios that I’ll begin working on this next week.”
“What kind of client?”
“A couple players from the Dolphins are opening a night club in South Beach.”
“Fun.”
She goes on to tell me some of the details and ideas she has about a launch party. She’s excited, and I’m so happy for her, because this is her element, and this is exactly what she wants to do. Me, on the other hand, I’m absolutely clueless as to what I’m going to do at this point in time. It’s as if I’m on a tightrope, and any second, I’m bound to lose my footing.
“Yo!” Trent says when Kate and I walk into the condo. “Back from Tampa!”
He holds out his arms, and I give him a hug, noticing a bunch of boxes stacked in the living room.
“What’s all this?”
“I snagged a single unit on the fifth floor, so I’ve been moving for the past few days,” he tells me.
“You’re already moving? That was fast.”
“Dude, we gotta be out of here in two weeks. It isn’t that fast.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” I murmur, realizing that, even though time stalled in the presence of Kason, it never truly stopped moving.
“You coming down later?” he asks Kate, and she gives me a strange expression when I look between them.
“Yeah,” she tells him. “Let me talk to Ady for a while.”
Trent grabs a couple of boxes, and she opens the door for him. “Catch you later, Ady.”
“What was that all about?”
Kate fights a mischievous smile.
“Oh my god! Did something happen between you two?”
“We . . . we kind of kissed the other day.”
My jaw hits the floor as I stare at her in shock.
“Don’t look at me like that,” she warns with abashment scorning her face.
“Are you two, like, together?”
“This is Trent we’re talking about,” she says, as if kissing him is no big deal when she’s had a thing for him since freshman year. “It was only a kiss.”
“Has he said anything?”
She shakes her head. “Not really, and I’m not pushing, either. I’m not setting myself up to get hurt. But he invited me over to his new place yesterday. All we did was hang out, though.”
“Well, apparently, he wants to spend more time with you.”
“Enough about me,” she says before flopping down on the couch. “You haven’t said a word about your old flame. What’s his name again?”
Just like that, I’m sucked back to the maelstrom of riotous confusion inside me. “Kason.”
“Well, I’m glad you got over it and came back home. I was seriously starting to worry.”
I walk over and fall back onto one of the chairs with a heavy huff.
“You did get over it, didn’t you?” she questions warily.
With no more tears left in me from these past two week, I simply sit and stare blankly at my friend because I’m at a total loss for words.
She sits up and leans forward. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know,” I respond. Honestly, I have no clue what I’m doing anymore.
“What do mean you don’t know?”
With my heart still tangled in the sheets of Kason’s bed where we made love countless times last night, I tell her with defeat in my breath, “I still love him.”
She lets go of a tense sigh and drops her head.
“Trust me, I know how bad this is. I can’t help the way I feel, though. Everything would be so much easier if I could just shut it off. No one would have to get hurt and Micah and I would move to California and get married just the way we planned. But I can’t shut it off. He’s all I can think about.”
“I don’t get it. I mean, you and Micah are perfect for each other. Are you really willing to jeopardize that for some guy you dated in high school?”
She says this so flippantly, so casually, that I want to snap and tell her she has no clue how deep my and Kason’s love ran, even as teenagers.
“He wasn’t some high school fling.”
“All I’m saying is . . . Micah is a great guy. You two have been together for years.” She then takes a pause before continuing, “Look, I don’t know who this other guy is, but I do know Micah. Just . . . I don’t know. I don’t think I would say anything to him unless I was ready to reap the consequences.”
“Trust me, I know there won’t be any coming back from it.”
“What are you going to do then?”
“I’m going to have to talk to Micah when he gets back tomorrow.”
Her face drops. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“He deserves to know the truth, Kate. I can’t deceive him like that.” Although, I already have.
“Do you need anything from me?”
“As much as I want to pretend this isn’t happening, I think I just need some time alone.”
She stands, and I join her before giving her a long hug. She squeezes me in her arms, assuring, “I’m here for you, you know?”
I nod against her and then pull back with a few unshed tears in my eyes, requesting, “Please tell me that everything’s going to be okay.”
She gives me a sad smile. “Everything will be okay no matter what happens.”
And with that, she tells me she’s only a few floors down with Trent if I need her before she leaves me alone in the very condo where Micah and I fell in love. The place our love will likely be torn apart. Because that’s honestly how it feels, as if our love has been completely disrupted and yanked off the hinges that bound us together.