Don’t Say It
Maggie
Brayden and my dad stayed out in the shop for two hours. I was anxious to see him, yet I knew my dad wanted this time with him first.
When he finally enters the house, I’m equally full of love and anger as my heart flutters from his mere presence.
Brayden comes over to me after greeting my mom. For the longest time, he just stares at me, saying nothing. He looks thin, tired, and I see the despair in his eyes.
“I know it’s late, but can we go for a walk on the beach … and talk?” he finally asks.
I look at my dad for a sign, and he gives a subtle nod.
We walk out, and I shiver, not from the air, but from Brayden’s presence.
The space between us is small, but the distance is as if there are oceans between us. Neither of us seem to know what to say, so we remain quiet as we make our way to the beach.
We walk past Dina’s place, which is five houses up the street from my parents’. My parents’ house is walking distance to the beach, whereas Dina’s house is right on the water. All the lights are out, except for a soft glow from her bedroom.
I smile inside, knowing my friend is finally coming to a peaceful place in her life, even if she still stays in her childhood bedroom, leaving her parents’ master suite as a guest room. Maybe she will learn to enjoy the house again for more than just beach access in time.
As I am thinking of all the heartache my best friend has overcome, I realize how much she has learned about herself. In the end, she has managed to find happiness.
Where is my happiness?
Where is my comfort in life? Where is my security?
Love doesn’t keep a roof over my head, obviously. Love doesn’t stop secrets, lies, and it doesn’t stop addiction.
Thinking of all of this, I come to a decision about my relationship with Brayden, at least for the near future. I know what I have to do.
We arrive at the soft sand, the stars twinkling overhead. I lay the blanket I brought out and sit down, Brayden sitting beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders to pull me close. I don’t know how long we sit like this in silence, simply taking in the waves, stars, sand, and salt in the air. It’s peaceful, which is my confirmation for what needs to be.
For the first time since the truth began to unravel, I have peace.
“I love you, Maggie. I’m so sorry I messed up. I want to get clean, make things right between us. I—”
“Stop talking, Brayden. Now is not the time to go through all of this. Right now, I need the man I love to take me, hold me, kiss me, and give me all the passion and emotion in him.”
Yes, we do need to talk, but what I have to say is goodbye.
While we have never had issues with our bodies communicating with each other, our hearts and minds never seem to be on the same page. I want this goodbye, this closure. It’s a sweet agony of what could have been, what was, and what never will be for the road ahead in life.
He leans in and slowly kisses me, almost timidly, and I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him into me. Together, we lie back with Brayden resting his weight on his forearms, his chest against mine, his leg nudging between mine.
I peel his shirt up, maintaining eye contact with him, gently running my fingers up and down his back and sides as he tenderly kisses my neck. Then, ever so carefully, he pulls off my sundress, leaving me naked on the blanket with only his body covering me. I cherish every moment, every touch, committing them to memory.
He trails featherlight kisses down my breasts, only sucking when he reaches my nipples. The trail continues as he pulls my hands off him, placing them at my sides as his begins a journey south. He grants both inner thighs equal attention before beginning to deliberately and delicately kiss my most intimate part.
His tongue leisurely licks my clit and core as I arch my back, pressing him for more, demanding, taking, craving, wanting, seeking out that connection and the orgasm that is building ever so slowly and delicately inside of me. And as I explode, I feel my body already building in anticipation for more.
He pulls me close to him, tenderly kissing his way back up, then pushes my hair out of my face and takes his time to look me in the eyes. “Maggie, I love you, baby, always have, always will.” His voice trembles. “My fire and ice, my wild and calm, you are the only good I’ve ever had in my life.”
Before I can respond, he kisses me in a slow, teasing manner. I can taste the salt in the air on his lips and the taste of myself mixed with the familiar taste of Brayden.
Our tongues dance together in the way we have grown accustomed to, like a routine a ballerina has practiced for years, knowing every millimeter of his mouth, yet still feeling like it’s never enough.
I feel him remove his shorts and lie over me, skin on skin. I am on the brink of explosion already, and he hasn’t even started.
When his hand finds its way down, gently and slowly circling my clit, I burn with desire to be one with him, joined together, rising to ecstasy and coming down consumed in one another.
As he inserts one finger, ever so delicately moving in and out of me, he positions his body over mine in such a way that it prevents me from rising up to reach my climax.
The throb and hunger in me grows as he adds a second finger and finally picks up the pace enough to send me over the edge again.
I am riding the waves of my orgasm when he enters me, unhurried, making my body crave more. I can feel the tears rising up to the back of my eyes as he moves in and out, the love and rawness from him shaking me to my core. I want to hold him inside me forever.
He starts to gradually increase his pace as I am once again on the verge of climax. Just as the trembling in me begins, I feel his body tense, and he finds his release with me.
Afterward, we lie tangled in one another, coming down from the most passionate and emotional sexual experience we have ever encountered with each other.
***
Brayden
I hold her close as long as I can, feeling her body shudder in my arms as she silently cries. She hasn’t said the words, but I can feel it. Maggie has given up on me, on us, and this is our goodbye. One last moment of touching something good, one last memory. This is it.
I can read her body, the way she held my cock inside her like she was memorizing each and every thrust.
Knowing I can’t prolong the inevitable, I finally reach for her dress, putting it back on her as well as dressing myself. Then I take her by the hand and pull her to standing with my arms wrapped around her, gently rubbing her back and hair as she no longer tries to hold back the tears. I feel the burning in my own eyes, knowing I have broken her heart, as well as my own.
“You don’t need to say the words. Let’s get you home. Harrison wants to speak to me, so I’ll wait up for him then take a cot in your dad’s shop. Tomorrow, I’ll see about getting a hotel until Ryder is ready to leave.” I can’t stop her from ending things, but I can try to make this easier.
She sobs as I continue. “It’s okay, baby. This is my fault entirely. You trusted me with everything, and I broke that trust. I broke us. I just want you to be happy, with or without me.” I kiss her forehead, still stroking her hair. “My behavior gives you no reason to want to find happiness with me. I understand that.”
I can feel the hot tears streaming down my face, but I don’t even care. This woman is everything good that has ever been in my life, and now she wants to be gone, away from me.
She looks up at me. “I love you more than I can ever put into words. I’m not saying it’s over for good”—she sniffles, tears making her eyes gleam—“but it’s over for now. You need to get clean, and I need to find myself again. I got so lost in the illusion of our future that I ignored our reality and missed the signs of your drug use. I want to be with the Brayden I fell in love with four years ago, the Brayden who wasn’t looking for an escape, the Brayden who would hold me and talk to me for hours on end about everything. Give me that Brayden back,” she pleads.
We hold each other tight for a while, and then she pulls away, gathering up the blanket so we can walk back.
Before we get to the stairs to get off the beach, she stops. “Let’s just take the time you’re in rehab to find ourselves again. We can talk after you’re clean. One day at a time. No promises and no regrets. If we do find our way back to each other, I want it to be forever with no hesitations.”
All I manage to do is nod.