Thinking of You
Dina
One Month Later…
I’m at the office, working on a new restaurant grand opening event, when a florist courier arrives. The arrangement is absolutely gorgeous, full of bright California gerbera daisies, tulips, tiger lilies, and one red rose. It’s so big and full, sitting in a huge basket.
Assuming they are for Maggie, I sign for them and place them on her desk.
Looking at the clock, I realize she is a lot later than I expected. She called to say she would need a little extra time and would miss our meeting with a new client to help promote their new brew line, but I didn’t anticipate her being this late.
Around lunch time, she arrives, looking exhausted and not as put together as she normally is, and she seems to merely be going through the motions. Something is amiss.
Before I have a chance to ask her what’s wrong, she begins crying.
“Brayden didn’t come home until six this morning, and he wouldn’t tell me where he was, other than to say he slept in the car. Dina, I don’t understand. We weren’t fighting over anything major; we had a minor disagreement over money, but nothing to send him out all night.”
I simply hug her gently, telling her, “Who knows what men really think or why they do what they do? Maybe he just needs space for a bit. You know he adores you and didn’t set out to spend the night away.”
She sighs, trying to relax.
“Look at the full plate Ryder left him with. He’s practically been gone a month now,” I try to explain.
“Dina, Ryder has come home a couple of times, and he’s been in touch.”
I know Ryder has come home twice. He also didn’t have time to explain, other than to say his friend was in a facility and he needed to support them.
Maggie appears a little better. At least the crying stops as she nods and gives me a weak smile. Then she enters her office, and I hear her laugh.
“Dina, did you even look at the card?”
“What card?” I ask as I enter her office.
She points to the basket, still laughing at me.
“Oh, the flowers? No. Why would I? No one has any reason to send me flowers.” As I say this, she hands me the card with my name clearly written on the outer envelope.
Flowers for me? This is the first time since Michael that anyone has sent me flowers. And, well, Michael’s flowers only came as an apology after leaving behind his own colorful marks on my body. This is the first time I have been given such a gift just because.
With nervous and shaky hands, I open the card.
Sunshine,
I’m thinking of you.
I miss you and hope to be home soon.
Love, Ryder.
Oh, my goodness. Ryder misses me?
Maggie laughs at my shock and hugs me. “Go call and thank him, silly.”
To my relief, I get his voicemail and leave a quick message. “Thank you for the beautiful flowers and card. It really made my day.”
Everything about Ryder gives me butterflies. He makes me nervous. My attraction to him is strong, and the more we talk and text, the more I see myself falling for him. It scares me.
Even though he’s been away and focused on his friend, he contacts me every day, even if only for a brief moment. He doesn’t have time and quite frankly I am confused with my own feelings. I have been short with him, though I shouldn’t be. He doesn’t owe me his time or a single explanation. My insecurities and past keep me from just going along on someone else’s ride in life.
Ryder can sort out what he has to with his friend. If things are meant to be, they will be.
***
By the next day, Maggie seems much better.
I spent the evening successfully avoiding Ryder’s return phone calls. All three of them came at inopportune times.
While I love the flowers, I’m terrified of letting another man in. Even if Ryder knowing my past makes it easier, it’s nonetheless something I fear.
The day passes quickly, both Maggie and I working on multiple events.
After my day at the office, I’m relaxing in a bubble bath, my Jacuzzi tub jets running, when my phone rings. Looking at the caller ID, my heart beats a little faster when I see it’s Ryder.
“Hey, misterman,” I answer, deciding I can’t avoid him forever. I’m also relaxed enough to think I can pull off a phone conversation. He’s miles away, so he can’t see me. I can’t let him know he gets to me.
“Hello, beautiful. It’s good to hear your voice after phone tag yesterday. I hope you had a good day and evening.”
“It’s going,” I answer nonchalantly.
“Are you going out or doing anything special tonight?”
“Nope, nothing special.”
He sighs like he’s stressed.
“Ry, I’m here to listen if you need a friend.”
“I need to be home.” He pauses. “Dina, gotta tell you, I fucked up in the past. I don’t want to fuck shit up with you.”
The sincerity in his voice and his words melts me into a puddle.
“What are we doing?” I ask, feeling like things need to be defined.
“Right now, we’re talking on the phone. If you’re referring to us, well, I want you to be mine. I want to be yours. But, baby, I want you to be ready.”
Feeling brave, I answer in almost a whisper, “If you were here, you’d see I’m ready, Ryder.” For the first time since I lost my parents, I feel a little like my old, fun-loving, flirtatious self.
“Is that so?”
“Yup, I’m in the bath tub, covered in nothing but bubbles, relaxing and thinking of how I wish it were you covering me, instead.”
He’s quiet for a moment. I’m sure I have taken him by surprise. I think I hear a low growl from him, but I’m not one hundred percent.
With his voice deeper than I have ever heard before, he responds, “Damn, Dina, you’re killin’ me over here. Oh, how I wish I was there. I’d be happy to wash your back for you.”
I smile. “Just my back, huh? What about my front?”
I hear an unmistakably groan. “Oh, baby, you don’t want to start something you can’t finish.”
I stay quiet for just a brief moment. “Ryder, I’ll be glad to start and finish anything with you … anytime, anywhere. The question is: am I what you really want?” There, I said it. Now, am I really ready for an answer?
He then shocks me with his own admission.
“Dina, since the night we found you at the bottom of the stairs, when I beat the shit out of that bastard, I haven’t wanted anyone but you. I’ve been waiting for you to feel comfortable and safe again … so we can pursue a real relationship.”
He pauses, sighs, and then continues, “You’re one of a kind special, and I’m far from a perfect man. Hell, I’m not even a good man, but for you and because of you, I want to be. I’ve treated women wrong in the past. I’ve used them, led them on, and dumped them in some harsh ways. I may not have ever laid a hand on a woman, but I have left some completely and unintentionally broken, and for that, I’m forever sorry.
“I don’t want to lead you on or treat you wrong. I want to be your safe place. I never want to see you sad or hurt. I want to hold you close and call you mine in all ways, for always.
“Baby, I’ve messed up big time in my past, and I’m paying for it, even now. I don’t deserve someone as strong and beautiful as you. I’ve tried to stay away from you, but you just draw me in. When you look at me, I feel like you can see the potential and goodness inside me. One kiss from you is enough to make me weak in the knees. I want to see what we can make of everything between us.” He sighs again. “I wish I was there. I didn’t want to do this over the phone.”
I take a moment, not knowing what to say. This is unexpected. I thought we would do some flirting and get off the phone, not have a serious conversation.
Finally, I stammer out, “Ryder, you mean so much to me. You helped save me when I was at my lowest. I want to see what we can make of us. I won’t lie; I am scared. But I trust you with my insecurities. I trust you with every part of me. I can’t explain it. I’ll admit it scares me. It’s so new, raw, and so unlike what I’ve ever felt before. My body craves your touch; my mind craves your conversation; and my heart craves your safety. I trust you to help restore me.”
I hear a voice in the background, and Ryder is quiet for a moment. I assume he is listening to the other person. He then comes back to the phone.
“Baby, you’ve just made the whole situation here so much better. I’d love nothing more than to tell you exactly how I would wash every inch of your body, but I have to go. The situation here needs my attention. I’ll call you tomorrow, and as soon as I get back home, we’ll get together. We’ll make this work, baby. Goodnight, my sunshine.”
Before I can respond, he is gone.
I don’t know what to think. I got myself worked up and am now filled with sexual frustration, to the point where I just want this man to take me and have his way with me. I’m filled with an undeniable happiness that I mean something to him and that he wants to see where this can lead as much as I do.
I wish he were here. I would show him in ways I can’t put into words just how much I want to be with him.
He left me so abruptly, and now I feel empty.
***
Ryder
This balancing business and trying to be a support system to an addict is a nightmare. I’m in over my head, not sure if I can even come up for air.
Valerie has more skeletons in her closet than I could ever imagine. She has to fight to get out of the dark place they have drug her into. I don’t love her, but I have enough respect for a woman trying to break her addictions to not abandon her in her time of need.
She’s been in rehab for a month. The first night we checked her in, I stayed to make sure she would go forward with the treatment. Then I made the trip back to North Carolina to get Andy Jenkins, a buddy and part-time painter for us, to step up and help Brayden while I’m in Colorado. Now Jake is back, so Brayden can call him if necessary for backup at the shop.
According to Vanessa, therapy has been hard on Valerie, and now she would like to have some sessions with me to clear the air between us. Since I helped get her into the facility and agreed to stay, I feel like it’s the least I could do if it will give her what she needs to move forward.
What Valerie has shared is that she has a lot of insecurities. They started before me, but the pain I caused her only made things worse. However, she’s beginning to understand I never wanted a real, long-term relationship. Even though she agreed to it, somewhere in the back of her mind or in her heart, she thought it would change. Now Valerie is coming to terms with the rejection.
Dina has never been out of my thoughts. I sent her flowers, wishing I could have been there to see her face when she got them. We have been texting, calling, and she knows what’s going on. Well, sort of.
I can’t give her the details. I mean, really, I fucked up so bad that a chick landed in rehab. How do I tell her that?
Will the timing for Dina and I ever be right?