Chapter Nine
Problem
Maggie and I are having a rare girls’ night in. We are in our pajamas, watching a movie, when my phone rings. The screen shows Michael calling. He’s been sick, so I answer, worried.
“Hey, baby,” I answer with concern in my tone.
“Where the fuck are you?” he barks into the phone, immediately putting me on edge.
I pause momentarily stunned. “I’m at home, watching a movie with Maggie. What’s your problem?” I ask, not understanding his anger.
“My problem? My fucking problem, since you’re too dumb to figure it out, is I’m sick! My selfish, bitch-ass of a girlfriend is whoring around with her slut friend instead of taking care of me.”
Not wanting Maggie to hear his obscenities, I hop up off the couch and retreat quickly to my bedroom.
Trying to keep my tears at bay, I reply, “Michael, do you want me to come over? Earlier, you said to stay home and you would see me tomorrow. I don’t appreciate the things you’re saying! I’m not a whore, and I would never cheat on you. I love you.”
“Ha,” he huffs into the phone. “Funny way you show it. I’m running a hundred and two fever and you’re sittin’ back with your friend probably thinking about who you wish you could fuck.”
“Maggie is in a committed relationship, too. We are just two friends catching up. If you want me at your house with you, just say so.” I pinch the bridge of my nose as my stress builds higher and higher.
“You don’t give two shits about me. If you did, I wouldn’t have to ask. Your priority is with that cunt you live with and not me. She doesn’t care about you like I do. She’s going to leave your ass, and then you’ll be crying to me. You have no family. You have nothing. No one cares about you except me.”
“Michael, stop being so mean. Please. I’ll come over and make it up to you,” I plead.
“You are one stupid bitch if you think you mean more to your precious Maggie than the dick she’s sucking and fucking. I bet you’re at his house right now. Did I interrupt you from sucking off her boyfriend’s roommate?”
I’ve never even met Brayden’s roommate so why is Michael even bringing this up? “Michael, where is this coming from? I don’t understand.” I start to cry, unable to stop the tears.
“Where is this coming from? Damn, you really are clueless. Look around you, Dina. No one is here but me. Maggie pities you for who you once were. She’s waiting for her time to fade out. Yet, you’re so far up her ass you don’t realize she’s already fazing you out. She is more important to you than me. That’s why you’re there and not here. You would do anything for her, and not me.”
Sobbing now, I reply as the grief continues to assault me, “Yes, I would do anything for her. She’s my family. I would do anything for you, too.”
His harsh laughter cuts me off. “Family? You have no family. You’re damn lucky I stick around. Do you really think any man would put up with your whining? You’re used goods, Dina. How many were there before me? Wait, I don’t want to know. You’ll have some excuse for that, too. Poor Dina, the orphan. Poor Dina doesn’t know what to do,” he mocks. “Look in the mirror! You won’t get anyone better than me. Your Maggie, who you have on such a pedestal, thinks of you as an afterthought in her life. You’re her convenient companion.”
Crying hysterically now, lost in the truth that lies just behind his words, my body shudders. “Michael, please … You mean so much to me. I don’t want to fight. I-I love you.”
I have never been a confrontational person. It’s not in my makeup.
I feel so torn between Michael and Maggie. I can’t lose either of them, but I can’t seem to hold on to both of them, either.
He’s right, though. Maggie and I do have a distance between us. My other friends are gone. My family is gone. Without Michael, I’m no one’s priority. I’m barely anything to anyone. I don’t want to lose what I have with him.
Since Michael came into my life, I don’t wallow in my loss the same way. Where I used to be able to call my mom with anything, I call Michael now. He’s filled my life and kept me from staying wrapped up in myself.
“If you loved me,” his voice suddenly calm, “you’d be here with me.”
“I’m leaving now. I’ll be right there. I’m sorry I didn’t put you first and think ahead, coming to you without you having to ask.”
My apologies mean nothing without actions, so I pack a quick bag, say goodbye to a stunned Maggie, and head out. I don’t have time to explain it to her right now. Michael needs to see he’s my priority.
As soon as I arrive at his house, he acts as if nothing happened.
Insecurities tramp down my ability to confront him about his hurtful words. Instead, I internalize my emotions and carry on. I don’t want to risk upsetting him more. I don’t want to push him away.
Keep carrying on; it’s what I do.
Is this what my future holds? Walking on eggshells, waiting for the next time I don’t read Michael’s mind?
I’m so confused. I love this man. When he’s good, he’s good. He does all the right things: opens doors, pays for our dates, spends time with me, talking, listening, and so much more. He can be kind when he wants to, yet he makes remarks daily, giving me little put downs to remind me of my shortcomings. It’s always in a passive-aggressive way. I know I’m not perfect, but I never realized how flawed I am until Michael.
I spend four days missing classes and staying with him until he is well enough to get back to his own routine. Every meal, I serve to him in his bed. Every shower, I take with him, washing him from the top of his head down to his damned feet. I hate feet. But, for Michael, I even cut his toenails. The whole situation is so messed up.
On one hand, I want to be there for him and give everything to him. On the other, I feel taken advantage of.
For four days, I feel like he is the master and I am the slave.