A Hole That Can Never Be Filled
Tiffany
Sleep evades me, and morning arrives all too quickly. Between nerves about seeing the Lawsons and dreams of Matt, I may have slept an hour.
Knowing I will be an emotional mess for this conversation, I skip the makeup and hair. I have no one to impress, so jeans and a T-shirt will do.
Sipping my coffee, I wait for the Lawsons to arrive. Sitting alone in a restaurant feeds my insecurities of being alone.
The air seems to shift, alerting me to Harrison’s presence.
“Hello, Tiffany,” he greets me sharply.
“Harrison,” is all I manage to say.
I can’t say I’m happy to see him. That would be a lie. As much as I wish I could turn back time with him, I can’t. As much as I wish I were here for a happy occasion, I’m not. Nothing about my life is happy anymore.
I quickly put my cup down so Harrison won’t notice my trembling hands. I’m barely holding it together.
When Harold and Marguerite Lawson enter behind him, I stand to greet them, southern manners taking over my need to keep space between me and Harrison.
I can’t help snickering as I hear Harrison mutter, “Damn, Tiff, you look like shit. If you’re here to get me back, this isn’t a good start.”
“Life is short, Harrison. I’m not here for you or to look good for anyone,” I whisper in response. He’s always had such an ego.
After the casual pleasantries of hellos and short, simple hugs all around, we finally sit down.
Taking a deep breath to brace myself, I begin, “Mr. and Mrs. Lawson, Harrison, thank you for coming. I know my arrival is surprising and an intrusion. I apologize for last night. I didn’t realize what the event was. I was told I could find Harrison there and went without a second thought.” I inhale. “I won’t keep you long.”
I exhale. “Over the years, you have been kind, loving, and accepting of Matt.” Pausing again to gather my composure, I have to garner the courage to utter the words I haven’t yet been able to say, the words that I don’t want to accept as my new reality. Blowing out a breath, I focus. “Since Matt joined the Marines, other than me, y’all have been his only family, so I feel you need to know what has happened.
“This isn’t something I wanted to share by email, and I wasn’t sure you would have accepted my phone calls …” Before I can get the words out, I begin sobbing.
Harrison quickly stands and pulls me up and into his arms. “What, Tiff? What’s wrong with Matt?”
“He’s gone. He was killed when his convoy was ambushed,” I whisper, choking the words out through my sobs.
Harrison pulls me more firmly against him, gently rubbing my back in a consoling manner.
I hear someone crying next to me, but I can’t deal with anyone or anything right now. If Harrison wasn’t holding me, I’m sure I wouldn’t even be capable of standing.
When Harrison whispers my name, I begin to pull away, thinking he wants space. Instead, he places his hand in my hair, pushing my head back against his chest, now holding me so securely I can barely breathe.
I inhale his scent. In this moment, uncomfortable and emotional as it is, I feel a slight comfort from my grief. I feel secure with somebody other than Matt for the first time ever.
The last conversation I had with Matt plays rapidly and loudly in my head.
“Stop being such a bitch. Find someone and let them love you. Things with Harrison could’ve worked if you would’ve let him love you through it. You have a heart of gold, but you never let anyone see it. You’re going to end up alone if you can’t let someone in. Let someone love you.”
My heart constricts thinking back on that moment.
I snuggle into Harrison as reality sinks in. Without Matt, I really am alone because I didn’t let anyone in.
***
Harrison
A train barrels over my heart and mind. The weight of Tiffany’s grief compounds with my shock and almost brings me to my knees. Pure male instinct takes over. The need to be strong for Tiffany is all that is keeping me upright. Knowing how close they were, feeling the loss cut her so deeply, I tune everything out around us. I can’t even think of my parents or my own loss, becoming consumed in what she’s feeling. I hold her close, unsure if this is even providing an ounce of comfort.
“Shh … Tiff. I’m sorry, so sorry,” I say, continuing to hold her close and gently rubbing her back.
She finally gathers her composure and pulls away from me. I immediately feel the loss at our disconnection.
We both sit down, and I grab her hand, needing to feel her touch, to know she’s okay. I’m an asshole, but I’m not a cold-hearted fuck.
My mom is laying her head on my dad’s shoulder, crying silently. I realize the enormity of this loss to Tiffany and my family. Matt was like a brother to her, a son to Mom and Dad. However, it’s not sinking in the loss that I, too, am facing.
Matt and I shared a long, close friendship. During my time in the Marines, we spent all of our free time running around together.
The attraction Tiffany and I both felt for each other was undeniable, but we didn’t start a relationship right away. For the first two years, we just hung out together with Matt, shamelessly flirting. Throughout the years we were actually together, Tiffany broke up with me multiple times. Matt always told me to be patient with her. Even when I moved, he would try to make me understand. I was stubborn and hurt, so I didn’t want to hear it.
Thinking back to that last conversation we had about Tiffany, my chest aches.
“She’s always going to love you, Lawson. Tiffany doesn’t know how to handle being accepted. She’s never known unconditional love like you. I get that she hurt you, but she was caught off guard. You don’t know her family, man, and you won’t give her a chance to explain or let you in now.
“I want good things for you, bro, but I worry about Tiffany. I just wish you would hear her out. It would give both of you some perspective and closure.”
Closure, that word again. With Matt gone, I know there will be a hole for both of us, a void that will never be filled.