Recovery
Maggie
I wake up on Brayden’s couch, all tangled up in him.
I appreciate the honest communication we shared the night before. However, I can’t help being slightly upset that it took an acid trip to get him to open up to me. Thinking back, I guess a lot of that was me. I never pushed him to tell me. I was happy with the surface value of our relationship, never wanting things to get deep and complicated. I was wrong, and I have to accept that. Looking at the whole picture, though, I see the change in him now.
Once he recognized getting high wasn’t the answer, he called me. Me. He called me. I was the one he ran to for support.
Finally, after all of these years, I know his past and things make much more sense to me now.
I found a new sense of myself and my relationship with Brayden. My heart is and has always been his. I want to work through everything with him. I want to salvage what we can from our relationship and build a stronger future together.
Brayden begins to stir beneath me, and I smile down at him. “Good morning.”
“Morning, beautiful. Thank you for being here.”
“Anytime and always, baby, always.” I lean down to kiss him.
When I try to deepen the kiss, he pulls away from me gently.
“Maggie, baby, what’s going on?” he asks. “I don’t understand why you want more suddenly.”
“I want you, I want us, and I want this to work. Last night is proof that we can reclaim us. We have work to do, but I’m yours, Brayden, now and always,” I tell him, boldly staring in his eyes.
“Will you go to meetings with me? I really want to get clean and stay clean,” he asks sincerely. “Yes, Brayden,” I agree, hoping he realizes I’m here for him in everything. “I want us to do what we need to work through this together. I love you.”
When we get up, we go online to find a local drug abuse support group or narcotics anonymous. After a bit, we manage to find one to fit both our schedules perfectly, which happens to be in just two days. I’m nervous, yet I know we both need this, realizing I know absolutely nothing about drug addiction and recovery.
***
Brayden
The time has come for me to face my ghosts and own my shit, I finally sit and seriously study the materials from rehab.
Step one: I, Brayden Eugene Holmes, am a complete and utter asshole. I have been more than selfish, having a complete disregard for everyone around me. I have a serious drug issue, stemming from my need to escape myself. I have been out of control and completely powerless to my drug addiction. Yes, I, Brayden Eugene Holmes, am a drug addict.
It’s easier to face and admit than I thought it would be. With the drugs out of my system, I can see more clearly the damage I caused everyone and the full control my addiction has over me and everyone around me.
Maggie is beside me all the way. We spent the last week together, only separating for work obligations. It’s a different experience to be with her like this. Although we hold hands, cuddle, and kiss, neither of us has made a move for anything more physical.
My body aches for her, but I want to take things slow. I want to have everything with this woman and not get lost in great sex.
I am learning to release the hold Bianca’s death has on me. No matter what my mother thinks, no matter what even I think of myself, I can’t escape the truth that she is gone and not coming back. Instead of running from the eyes staring back at me in the mirror, I need to embrace the life I have been given. I need to live to the fullest … for me and my sister. That means I need to stay clean and sober, to take in every breath, every moment, and make every memory count.
The desire in me to escape the world is slowly going away, and I want to face my future, hand in hand with Maggie.
Step two: I have a purpose in this life. There is a God, and He loves me, forgives me, and understands me when I can’t even understand myself. I never thought beyond the moment before. I didn’t believe there was a purpose in anything or anyone, especially myself. There is a bigger picture here. I need to embrace this and make the appropriate changes. I have been a shell of a man, but moving forward, I will do right by those around me, Maggie and myself especially.
Step three: I am boldly facing all my inner fears and shortcomings. I am going to release my will, my fears, and my life to God. It’s more than time for me to grow up, get some balls, and face life head on.
Step four: I have made a lot of mistakes, hurt a lot of people close to me, so making amends isn’t going to be easy, but nothing worth anything ever is. My sponsor doesn’t want me to push myself too hard, but I feel like I need to right some wrongs.
We have a big group dinner coming up that Ryder has scheduled. His invites include Dina, Maggie, Jake, Kenna—Jake’s long-time girlfriend—Harrison, and me. I need to face them, be candid, straightforward, and frank about everything. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, yet it is necessary for my future.
According to my sponsor, the steps are the natural progression to my long-term sobriety. None of it is meant to be easy. Their purpose is to strengthen my inner resolve to not rely on drugs to deal with my problems.
Getting high doesn’t solve anything; it only prolongs the issues, allowing them more time to fester and grow. The pattern becomes a habit that soon rages out of control. I lied, cheated, stolen, and hurt everyone around me. When I was using, I would have done anything to keep my secret safe, so I became the manipulator that no one could trust, having used them all.
Maggie questions how she missed it, but we have both learned that addicts of all kinds go to any lengths necessary to keep their addiction hidden. My chemical dependency controlled more than my body; it controlled my mind. I was too blind to what I was doing to think of anyone else.