Gotta Find the Balls
Kenna
So much for the slogan, One weekend a month, two weeks a year. Jake has just returned from yet another deployment after his unit in the Army National Guard was activated again. The time has gone by fast since we have been so busy.
Homecomings are wonderful after being so far apart from one another. I just wish we could take some time off together.
Jake and I have been together nine years now, seven of which he has served in the Army Reserves. We met in high school and began dating our junior year. Then, when it came time for college, Jake’s family couldn’t afford to help him financially. Therefore, he decided to join the Reserves for tuition assistance and future benefits.
Jake and I are both the only child in our families, and I am blessed to also be the only grandchild. With that said, my family came together to pay for my degree in accounting from the University of North Carolina, Wilmington. Go Seahawks!
Thanks to some help from my parents, Jake and I were able to share an apartment in Carolina Beach where Jake worked full-time at one of those quick stop oil change places while attending Cape Fear Community College at night.
After graduation, I wanted to pursue better career opportunities in the Charlotte area. Luckily for us, Jake grew up in Concord before relocating to Elizabeth City in high school, and his best friend since elementary school, Ryder, owns a garage in the area. He immediately offered Jake a job, letting him work around his demanding schedule of duty and service to the Reserves.
Ryder and Jake go way back. No matter the distance, they always remain in close contact. Ryder would visit us in Wilmington, and boy, he was wild. If I had to describe Ryder back then, only one word comes to mind: reckless. He was always drinking, fighting, street racing, and the girls … oh, the many girls. Now Ryder, whom we live next door to, is solid, calm, and seems very committed to Dina, who I instantly befriended. They haven’t been together long now, but they already have a serious connection that runs deep.
Brayden, a college friend of Ryder who works for him, was really distracted before ending up in rehab, something that started not long after Jake returned. He threw a fit over something I don’t know about and walked out, leaving Jake and Ryder stuck with some tough deadlines and cleaning up a mess after Brayden destroyed everything in the garage. That was when Dina started bringing dinner to the shop so her and Ryder could have a little time together, and I started joining in. Then she introduced me to her best friend Maggie, who I am also happy to call a friend. It’s nice to get along so well with them since the boys all work closely together.
Dina stays busy by being in business for herself. Maggie, who works for Dina, comes along to the dinners most of the time, too. However, she hasn’t been around much since she ended her four-year relationship with Brayden, trying to sort things out in her own life. Her brother Harrison moved up here recently and has started working at the shop, too.
Harrison is a good guy once you get to know him. He jabs at Jake all the time about being a Reservist since he was in the Marine Corps; you know the saying, “Once a Marine, always a Marine.” He suffered a career-ending injury during his last deployment to Afghanistan.
He was living in South Carolina, doing construction or something, before coming here. Harrison doesn’t talk much about his past and is sarcastic, but he is also as straightforward and loyal as they come. He’s tall, looks mean, and is built like a tank, with tattoos on his forearms, long hair, and a glare that quite possibly could cause some men to cower.
Our life here in Charlotte is fabulous. We both love our jobs, have amazing friends, a great house we recently purchased, and best of all, we will always have each other. The only thing missing is the ring.
***
Jake
It’s beyond time for me to get the balls to propose. Hell, I bought the ring eight months ago while on deployment. Ryder picked up the custom setting for me and has kept it in the safe at work. There is no question Kenna will say yes, but damn, marriage is a big deal.
Seeing Ryder so headstrong and determined to make such a commitment to Dina has opened my eyes to possibilities. Even as things have been going crazy at the shop since Brayden’s addiction came to light, Ryder didn’t let it shake his love for Dina and the direction he sees them going in.
Not too long ago, I had my ass handed to me by Dina on the subject of marriage. Talk about a swift kick in the nuts. She got so fired up when she learned how long Kenna and I have been together, saying, “Hey, asshole, Kenna may understand your apprehension on marriage, but that doesn’t translate into her not wishing for it herself. She has dreams of her own, you know.”
Shit, I’m a total ass. For all these years, I have been quick to make it clear to Kenna that marriage isn’t something I want in my future. There is no way she would ever feel comfortable telling me that she wants that level of commitment after I clearly defined my opposition.
The fact is, Kenna grew up differently than me. Her parents surrounded her in love and security and have been happily married for thirty-five years. And her grandparents have been together over sixty years. Kenna is the center of all their lives. She has always been able to rely on their unconditional love and support.
We met on my first day of sophomore year in high school. Having just been dumped off at my aunt’s house the day before, I was in no mood to be at school. With one smile from Kenna, though, my troubles just washed away.
My mom decided it was best for me to live with my aunt until I was eighteen. Her new boyfriend wouldn’t marry her as long as she had a responsibility to me, a teenage boy. Hell, he was only ten years older than me at the time. He felt the situation would look bad for his up and coming career. At least, that was his excuse.
Cheryl, my mom, was only seventeen when she had me. At thirty-two, she didn’t look her age and people often mistook us for siblings. Typically, if her man of the month didn’t want to deal with her baggage—me—I would be sent to stay with my grandfather.
When he passed away, my mom was forced to take me back in, and playing dad to someone else’s kid wasn’t in husband number four’s life plan. David or Jeff—whatever number four’s name was—left not long after I arrived. The divorce papers cited irreconcilable differences, but I overheard him telling my mom the only difference they faced was me showing up at her door.
Ryder lived with his grandmother Mimi, and she offered to let me live with the two of them. However, my mom wasn’t comfortable with the idea of me being close by. Her fear was that I would show up and ruin what she was building with her soon-to-be husband number five.
My aunt opened her doors to me, though not so kindly. We had a clear-cut agreement: I was to get a job, pay room and board, and provide for my own needs; such as food, clothing, and all other necessities. Those rules came courtesy of her husband number two. And on my eighteenth birthday, I had to be out. That was the additional rule from her husband number three.
As anyone can imagine, my aunt and mom had great relationships with their lawyers; they always benefited in their divorce settlements.
Now, here we are, ten years later and I still can’t grasp why people want to get married. I know I can’t just give Kenna a ring. To ask someone to marry you with no real intention of ever following through would be a real asshole thing to do.
Kenna is the woman for me. Of this, I’m confident. It’s the title of husband and wife I can’t move past. It’s the risk of those titles changing things. It’s the fear that things will mess up, costing me the security I have with Kenna. And that word—divorce—always lingers in the back of my mind.
My future is with Kenna, but can I really do this? Actually get married? How do I move past the fear?