Chapter 36
Dane
Emilia slept soundly in her crib as I stared at her, in the darkness of the nursery. Sydney had converted the room that I had stayed in earlier. It was now covered in pink wallpaper with the crib in the center, toys neatly stored away on shelves and a mobile of planets hanging over the baby.
I didn’t want to disturb her serene sleep, so I didn’t hold my daughter…but simply watching her sleep was enough for me. She looked exactly like her mother, she had the same small pouty lips, a clear porcelain complexion and long narrow fingers. Her hair was the same chestnut color as mine and she had adorable plump cheeks that I had an urge to pull.
A fierce emotion of paternal love was coursing through my veins. I wanted to do everything in my power to keep my daughter safe. In that moment, nothing mattered to me more than Emilia. Emilia…the name suited her too. It was sweet and peaceful just like her. I could see that Sydney was a good mother to her, in fact she couldn’t have asked for a better, stronger mother. Even though I barely knew my daughter, I was already proud of her.
I stood up from the side of the crib, where I was kneeling, and took a few steps away. I had a child. I was a father now! I didn’t even know I was one, I hadn’t even anticipated it. Then I remembered that Sydney and I hadn’t used protection on either occasion. The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind that this could have happened. I assumed she was on the pill.
The anger that I had felt towards Sydney, was slowly starting to subside. Emilia was a gift that I hadn’t asked for, and I didn’t even know I wanted. But now that she was here, I knew now what was missing from my life.
I knew I would dedicate my whole life to her. Emilia would want for nothing. I would make sure that she grew up to be the best human being that she could be.
My thoughts drifted to Sydney again, my anger started to seep in. She had kept this secret from me for eighteen months. I could tell that she had no intention of telling me, ever. She would rather have her daughter grow up fatherless than share her with me. I was mad at her again.
Just an hour ago, I was heart broken. I was making plans to leave. In fact, I had called Tina and asked her to arrange for my tickets back to New York. That kiss in front of her door in the afternoon had been a goodbye kiss. So, this was the responsibility that Sydney was talking about! She wasn’t talking about her business, when she pushed me away, she was thinking of her daughter. Our daughter! And I had every right to know.
If I hadn’t come back to Tramore, I would have spent the rest of my life not knowing that I had a daughter.
I sat down on the rocking chair by the crib. It seemed to be where Sydney usually sat to put Emilia to sleep. The room was dark, except for a few night lamps in the corners of the room. I rocked myself gently as I watched the baby sleeping. It felt like I could do that forever. How was I going to make up for the lost time?
By my calculation, Emilia was at least eight to nine months old. I didn’t want to lose sight of her ever again.
Emilia moved in her sleep and smacked her lips, which brought an instant smile to my face. How long could I stay mad at Sydney? Already, the anger was dissipating. Was she worried and afraid when she was pregnant? Was she alone when she was giving birth? If I’d known, I wouldn’t have missed that experience for the world. Did I love her more now that she was the mother of my child?
I couldn’t forgive her for keeping my daughter away from me, but it wasn’t like the feelings I had for Sydney could suddenly disappear in a matter of an hour. I had come to Tramore for her, to be with her and in the process…had found out about a daughter I didn’t know I had. My thoughts were jumbled in my head. Suddenly, my job and my career weren’t important to me any more. I couldn’t even imagine a life in New York. Not without Emilia or Sydney in it.
I heard soft footsteps on the stairs, then the door creaked gently open and Sydney appeared. My eyes had adjusted in the dark and I could see her face. She looked crestfallen, a little sad. She had her hands clasped together.
Sydney remained standing at the door, looking at Emilia in her crib.
“She’s adorable, isn’t she?” she said and I looked over at our daughter.
“She’s amazing,” I said and Sydney smiled.
“She’s a good child, I’ve had no trouble with her,” she added and I said nothing. I could sense that Sydney was feeling guilty, and I hadn’t decided if I wanted to punish her for what she’d done or forgive her already.
“Dane…” she said my name and our eyes met again. We were talking in whispers, so as not to disturb the baby.
“Is there something you want to say to me?” I asked her and Sydney gulped.
“I want to apologize for keeping her away from you. Honestly, I didn’t know if you wanted to know about her and I didn’t want to go through the heartache of a rejection from you. I wanted to keep Emilia safe from that,” she said and slowly, I stood up from the rocking chair.
“You should have tried, Sydney. You should have told me,” I said and we stared at each other for a few more moments. I knew she wanted to say something more. The words were dancing on her lips, but she couldn’t articulate them.
“I’m sorry, Dane. I’m sorry if I’ve been selfish,” she said finally, and a fat tear rolled down her cheek. I wanted to hold her. She was beautiful, and I missed having her in my arms.
“I’ll come back in the morning when she’s awake,” I said instead and walked past her and out of the room. Everything was too confusing to think straight.