Chapter 14
Belle
It was nearly eleven by the time Belle returned to the apartment. She had tried to delay coming home, not only because the guilt had started to set in but because she felt like she had never met another person like Devon Rymer before. He was gentle with her, caring and not the arrogant self sufficient man she expected him to be. He was not only a powerful successful man, but also someone who treated her with respect. She wished that she had met him under different circumstances. But she knew the circumstances couldn’t be changed, and she had to return home to Jesse.
She jangled the keys in the lock and pushed open the door, to find the apartment shrouded in darkness. Jesse had already gone to bed it appeared.
In the darkness of the room, Belle tried to be as quiet as possible as she went to the kitchen area to pour herself a glass of water. Next, she went to the bathroom to wash herself. She was afraid that she might smell of Devon and sex. Belle silently stripped herself off her clothes, then she dampened a towel and washed between her legs. She splashed some cold water on her face too, hoping that would soothe her nerves. But nothing helped.
Slipping into her satin night dress, she tied her hair up in a ponytail and stepped out of the bathroom.
On the mattress on the floor, she could see Jesse’s shadowy outline. He was turned towards the window, away from her side of the bed. She wondered if some other guy would have stayed up for her. Or was this the norm? She had never lived with a boy before, and the initial excitement of sharing her life with another person was quickly fading.
Belle walked over to the mattress silently, sudden guilt gripping her heart. She had done something wrong. She had slept with someone else. She had cheated on Jesse. What had he done wrong? Other than not being able to find a job and denying her sex; was there anything else that was gravely wrong with him? He didn’t treat her badly, neither was he violent or abusive; and as far as she knew, he was a faithful guy.
Belle couldn’t sleep. She tried to edge herself as far away from Jesse’s sleeping body as possible. She didn’t think she deserved to be touched, just after she had been unfaithful to him. The guilt kept her awake. She couldn’t stop thinking about how deeply it would hurt Jesse to find out that while he was saving himself for her, she had already given up her virginity to her boss. How could she possibly rectify it? How could she ever take it back?
Belle turned to face the other way and felt a fat teardrop escape her eyelid and fall on the pillow underneath. It was all her fault. She was the one who had seduced Devon. He had tried to push her away, but she came to see him, she told him that she didn’t care about what happened. She wanted to sleep with him.
While her boyfriend was by himself in their apartment, waiting for her.
When Jesse moved, Belle’s heart stopped. She didn’t want him to wake up, she didn’t want to speak to him. She felt like she was the worst human being on the planet, by cheating on a good guy.
“Hey, how did it go? Did you meet your boss?” Jesse’s voice was groggy. Belle gulped and tried to even her breathing before opening her mouth to speak.
“Yeah, but I have to move to the Brooklyn office. I don’t have a choice,” she said, still turned away from him. She felt him move again, and realized that he was turning over to her side now. She sensed his arm reach around her waist and he brought her tightly close to him.
“It’ll be fine. You’ll be closer to home and closer to me. We can meet for lunch every day,” he said, still groggy but she could sense that he was smiling. She didn’t reply for a few seconds and then heard his heavy breathing. He had fallen asleep again.
Belle didn’t move. Jesse’s arm around her waist felt like a ton of bricks on her body. It didn’t feel natural, it sent a cold shiver down her spine. But she remained in that position, laying with her eyes wide open.
She couldn’t remember anymore what had attracted her to Jesse in the first place. Was it his boyish long blond hair? The dimples on his cheeks? Or was it because all her friends thought he was cute too? She knew she was too quick to agree to move in with him. They didn’t know each other well enough. At the time however, it was comforting to know that she wouldn’t have to live in New York all alone. She should never have doubted herself. She should have known that she could make it anywhere.
Belle tried to sleep, but she couldn’t stop her mind from working on overtime. Devon and Jesse, Jesse and Devon. Not like she knew Devon either. All she knew about him, was that she felt an uncontrollable physical connection with him that she had never felt with anyone else before. She wished she could talk to him more, because she got the sense that he actually understood her and he saw something in her that most people didn’t. He definitely saw something in her that Jesse didn’t.
But that chapter was over. She was in it with Jesse, and now she would have to find a way to forget about Devon and move on with Jesse. It had only been four months that they were together, and Belle believed that she still owed it to him to give him another chance.