Chapter 36

Erica

The weekend in Dallas caused something to shift deep inside of me. Why was I fighting against a relationship with Matt? I needed to talk things out with someone. I sat at my desk on Monday morning, trying to reason through how to force myself past the stone wall of fear that kept resurrecting inside of me every time Matt wasn't around. It was childish and quickly becoming an annoyance.

Lanie would be in class, but maybe I'd catch her on her conference time. I picked up the phone and walked to my door, closing it and pressing my back to it.

"Hey. You okay?" She sounded a little out of breath.

"Yeah. Just wanted to hear your voice." I squeezed my eyes closed and took a shaky breath.

"What's up? You don't sound okay. You sound like you're on the edge of tears."

"I am." I pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose and slid down the door until my butt hit the ground. That I had on a skirt and my panties would be showing to the world outside my window was irrelevant. I was on the edge of a breakthrough and I needed someone to sling shot me through it. Lanie was perfect for the job.

"Oh no. Did Matt leave again?"

"No. He stayed in Dallas for a few days, but he'll be back in town on Wednesday or Thursday. It was a good visit. I love his family. They're really good to me."

"Any wild sex stories you want to share with your pathetically alone friend? I need to vicariously live through someone. I was even thinking about picking up a porn the other night from that creepy adult store near the grocery store that you love."

I snorted in laughter as a tear rolled down my cheek. "I'm so in love with this guy, Lanie."

"That's awesome!" The joy in her voice was something I wanted for myself. I just wasn't sure how to find it. "Or... it's not awesome?"

"It's awesome, but I'm terrified. I've spent most of my life being strong and aggressive, but with Matt, I want to curl up and purr like a kitten. It's disturbing. It pisses me off. I have nothing to protect myself with where he's concerned. I hate it."

"I think that's exactly where you're supposed to be." She sighed like a schoolgirl in love. "I wish with all my heart I felt that way about someone. Stop letting fear trample down the one thing you've wanted since we met in grade school."

"Love?" I whispered and couldn't help but think of my father. I missed him so bad it burned my insides. The only love I had in the world was him and Lanie. Now Matt was quickly moving in to take both of their places in my heart.

"Exactly."

"What if he leaves again?"

"Yes. What if he leaves again?" Her voice changed, and I knew I was up for a lecture that was sure to set me straight. She was the only one I'd give the chance to try.

"What's your point, Lanie?" I got up and walked to the window as I wiped my eyes and tried to reconcile the fear inside of me with the fearless woman I'd always defined myself as. It was a struggle, and unfortunately was consuming my thoughts, my time, and all of my emotions.

"What's the very worst thing that could happen if Matt packed up and left you? Would you die? Wilt like a flower in the corner and force me to come get your fragile ass and bury you?"

I rolled my eyes. "You're so dramatic."

"Answer me."

"Why did I call you again?" I reached out and drew a heart on the window, being silly and childish.

"Because you knew I would help you see the truth. Now... answer me. What's the very worst thing that would happen?"

"I'd be broken and lose a few weeks of work, sleep and probably ten pounds."

"But would you die, Erica? Would you never, ever, ever love again?"

I didn't hesitate for a moment. "No. I wouldn't die, and I'm sure I would eventually love again, but-"

"No buts. I've heard and seen all your buts over the years. They're not worth your time to entertain them. If he left, and he's not going to, then you would mourn that loss and I would hold you through it. When you got done, we'd clean you up, fatten you up and get you back to being the strong woman you are."

"I can't work at M&B if he and I don't work out. Not if he's here too. It's too much to ask of me."

"Good. Fuck them then. You do realize that there are literally a million places to work in Seattle for a woman with your skills, right?"

"I guess so." I glanced down to see a group of joggers running by the sidewalk. I needed to get out and get some exercise. It always helped me to feel so much more at peace.

"And you know what? Maybe you would finally stop pretending like you're happy in that big glass building you're hiding out in every day."

"I am happy here." I could feel the need to defend myself literally crawling all over me.

"Right, but it's not you, and we both know it. You have more talent in your pinkie finger than most artists have in their whole body. Are you painting again? You promised me a few months ago that you would pull out your supplies and live a little."

"No," I whispered, emotionally shutting down again. "I don't have time."

"Make time. Build more parts of your life that look like you and maybe you won't have to worry about whether Matt stays or goes because you'll know without a doubt who you are." She paused and the sound of a hundred little voices filled up the phone. She laughed. "I gotta go. I love you so much. Please take my advice and start painting again. You need you before you can need him, Erica."

"You're right. You always are." We said our goodbyes and I cursed her for the next half hour as I worked through the last of my inhibitions. I could find myself again, and then... I would turn that girl completely over to a man worthy of her time. The real Matthew Bryant.