Chapter 59

Lanie

 

Stopping at a closed door in the hospital’s main hallway, I checked my reflection. Hair fine. Makeup perfect. The skirt I’d pulled on over leggings just tight enough.

I’d done myself up for the occasion, stopping right before getting to the point where it would be obvious I was trying to impress Andrew.

Or make him sad. Or jealous of my next boyfriend. Or whatever it was my monkey brain was hoping to accomplish.

I didn’t really want to hurt him, even though he’d hurt me, but that sick little part of myself wanted to remind him of what he’d let go.

I still didn’t understand it. So he felt he needed to give more time to Raven. Okay, that made sense. But what about after she left home? Was he never going to have a girlfriend again? Had he thought about that at all? Had he considered the possibility of calling me in a year, when he had more time?

Well, I’ll have moved on since then, I sourly thought. So if that’s the case, he’ll be out of luck.

“Ma’am, excuse me.” The voice made me jump, and I turned around to see a man in scrubs standing behind a cart. “I need to get in there,” he said, nodding at the door I’d been busy checking my reflection in.

“Oh. Sorry.” My cheeks heated, and I rushed down the hallway.

I shouldn’t have been worrying about me and Andrew, anyway. We were done. This visit was about Raven. No one and nothing else.

Maybe if I kept reminding myself that, I’d survive the evening.

Once I rounded the corner, I started paying attention to the numbers on the doors. As it turned out, I didn’t need to. Andrew stood right outside of the room I sought.

His eyebrows rose slightly when he saw me, and he slid his cell phone into his back pocket. He was wearing jeans and a loose sweater, an outfit the opposite of the suits I knew he liked to wear to work.

“Hi,” he said, voice husky.

His gaze briefly flicked down my length. Instead of the attention making me feel good like I’d expected, it made my stomach sour. What was I doing? Had I really been so juvenile that I’d expected making my ex-boyfriend long for me would bring me joy?

“Hey,” I answered, not knowing where to look. His eyes. His hair. His hands. All of those things drew my attention, but I could no longer stare at them. They weren’t for me.

“Thanks for coming.” He spoke in a low voice, making it so Raven wouldn’t hear him.

“Of course. I mean, I want to see her.”

He flinched a little at that. I wanted to both reach out and embrace him and to laugh in his face, laugh at his pain. I still loved him so much, but the agony he’d caused had turned me into a person I didn’t like, someone who struck back when she took a punch.

I clasped my hands together and cleared my throat. “I was surprised to hear from you. I thought that, well, I kind of assumed you thought it was best if Raven didn’t see me even if she wanted to.”

“I don’t know what I thought,” Andrew answered with surprising speed. “I was trying to do what seemed right, and it turns out I was wrong.” His jaw clenched.

I waited to see if there was more, but he just looked at me.

“I don’t have anything else to say, Andrew,” I whispered. Being alone with him for one minute had already been too much.

His eyes widened. “Right. Uh, okay. Why don’t we go in?”

He held open the door for me. Keeping my eyes averted and walking close to the frame so I wouldn’t accidentally touch him, I entered Raven’s room.

“Lanie!” Raven said the second she saw me.

I’d known for days that she was awake, but still, the sight of her with open eyes made me nearly stumble. When contrasted with the last time I saw her, a bruise on her cheek, half of her body wrapped up, eyes closed, body lifeless, it was almost too much to handle.

Unexpectedly, tears sprung to my eyes. Blinking them back, I took a seat in the chair next to her bed. “You look good.”

She made a face. “You don’t have to say that.”

“No,” I honestly answered. “You do. The last time I saw you …”

“I looked like a corpse, huh?”

The use of the word made me feel sick. Maybe Raven didn’t know just how worried everyone had been, just how terrified we were that she might never wake up.

“This new room is nice,” I offered. “It has big windows.”

Raven looked at it. “Yeah, it’s okay. Anything but the ICU. That place is too depressing.”

Her eyes slid over my shoulder, and I knew she looked at Andrew. Had she heard us talking outside? How much did she know about what had happened between us, if anything?

“What were you guys talking about out there?” Raven asked.

Right to the point. I should have known.

My shoulders tightened as I waited for Andrew to answer.

“You,” he said.

Raven’s eyes narrowed the tiniest bit. I could feel the tension rising in the room. I needed to say something soon.

“Have you seen anyone from school?”

“Just Jason. I guess that shows who my real friends are, huh?”

“What about …” I mentally ran through the short list of girls’ names I’d heard her mention.

“Nope,” Raven cut in. “But I don’t care. Jason comes to see me all the time, and Karen too.” She smiled. “Plus, you’re here now.”

My heart felt like it was melting. Reaching across the bedspread, I lightly took her hand.

“How do your leg and arm feel?” I nodded at the cast on her leg.

“Ugh. Have you ever had a broken leg?”

I shook my head.

“It’s hell. Seriously. Every time I need to pee, I have to call a nurse in. I can’t get to the bathroom myself.”

“That does sound annoying.”

She shrugged her good shoulder. Once again, her eyes went to Andrew. He’d been eerily quiet since we’d come into the room, and his presence was making the back of my neck tingle and not in a good way.

“We need some woman-on-woman time,” Raven firmly told him.

Andrew didn’t answer right away. Letting go of Raven’s hand, I turned in my seat to look at him. His gaze briefly fell on me before he looked away and cleared his throat.

“Right. I’ll be back in a while.”

Face down, he left, the door swinging shut behind him.

“What were you really talking about in the hallway?” Raven asked right away.

“You.”

“Not anything else?”

“Um.” I fiddled with a strand of my hair. “How much do you know?”

“I know that you look this good for a reason.” She inspected my outfit closer. “It looks like you’re trying to make my dad feel bad for breaking up with you.”

“Damn,” I breathed.

“And you should.”

I blinked over that. “I’m sorry. What?”

“Anyone would be upset over what he did. It was a dick move.”

I bit my bottom lip, trying not to laugh. I’d never heard Raven cuss this much. “So you know about all of it?” I asked. “He told you why he ended things?”

“Yeah, and it’s super dumb,” she huffed. “But he’s confused. Men are, I don’t know, stupid sometimes.”

“Your words.” I laughed. “Not mine.”

“You told me to be careful around Jason,” she pointed out.

“I might have been a little overly cautious there. Hey, he came to see me at school.”

“I know. Are you trying to change the subject?”

I folded my arms. “Raven,” I softly said, “Your dad and I are done. He already made the decision. I’m moving on.”

That last part wasn’t true, not yet anyway. One day, as soon as I could get through twenty-four hours without crying, I’d move on.

“And he regrets it,” Raven answered.

I eyed her. “How do you know?”

“Because he admitted it.”

I didn’t know what to say. “Um, wait.”

“He told me, Lanie. He said he loves you and that he made a mistake by breaking up with you.”

My ears burned, and my heart soared. I wanted to believe what Raven was saying, but it was incredibly hard to.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

She sighed in frustration. “Yes, I’m sure. The doctors said no brain damage, all right?” She pointed at the side of her head. “I know what he said.”

I chuckled. “So why hasn’t he told me this?”

“He’s a chicken shit.”

“Raven.” I pursed my lips. “When did you get such a potty mouth?”

She ignored that comment. “Dad hates it when he gets things wrong. He, like, can’t deal with failure. He thinks he’s a robot and not human like everyone else. I freaking guarantee that he hasn’t apologized because he doesn’t know how to.”

I sighed. Hearing Andrew still wanted me hadn’t made me feel much better. In fact, my soul was becoming progressively heavy as the conversation carried on.

“You guys belong together.”

The sweetness in her words made me ache. “Oh, Raven.”

“I’m serious. I mean it. And I-I want you back too.” Raven looked down, hiding her face from me. “Things aren’t as good without you around. Nothing is the same. Dad’s not as happy, and neither am I.”

I felt my lips trembling, and I bit down hard on my bottom one. “He tore my heart out,” I admitted, voice cracking over the whisper. Tears burned two trails down my face. “And he hasn’t even said he’s sorry. I can’t forgive him that easily. I wish I could, but I can’t.”

Raven started crying as well. “That sucks,” she choked out.

“Don’t.” I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. “Don’t start crying, or I’ll never stop.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I laughed through my tears. “You’re really special to me, Raven. I want you to know that.”

“Really?” Her wet eyes shimmered.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “And not only because of your dad. I knew when I met you that you were full of potential, that you were bright and energetic, smart. When you were in the coma, I was so worried.”

I broke down again, fresh tears spilling forth.

“You have to get back together with him,” Raven pressed. “You still love him, don’t you?”

I pressed my fingertips against my closed eyelids. “We never told each other those words.”

“But I know it’s true. I know you love each other. So?”

I opened my eyes and smiled sadly. “Thanks for telling me all this.”

“You didn’t tell me what you’re going to do.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know yet.”

She exhaled loudly. “Okay.”

“It’ll all work out for the best.” A cookie-cutter comfort, that’s what that statement was. I had nothing else to give her, though.

Raven nodded. “But you’ll talk to him?”

“I’m sure. Maybe not today, but,” I stood, “we’ll see what happens.”

“’Kay,” she muttered, clearly not happy with the answer.

Leaning down, I carefully hugged her, making sure to not squeeze too tight. “When can I come and see you again?”

“Tomorrow?” she asked hopefully.

Her joy made me smile. “I can do that.”

“Awesome.”

“Bye, Raven.”

She gave me a little wave, and I let myself out—and nearly walked right into Andrew.

“How long have you been out here?” I asked.

“A minute. Two, maybe.” He had his hands in his pockets and was just standing there.

“Were you waiting for me?” I braced myself, not sure I wanted to hear the answer.

“How did your visit go?” he said, avoiding my question.

“Good.”

How much did he know? Did he suspect Raven had asked me to forgive him? This whole situation was turning into a mental puzzle. Andrew, Raven, and I all possessed information, but our cards were being held close.

“Lanie.” He pulled his hands out of his pockets. Stuck them back in there again.

I tilted my head, waiting. Maybe it was a little cruel to let him sweat like that, but if he planned on apologizing to me, it had to come naturally. I wasn’t going to beg for anything.

“I really fucked up,” he said, pushing his fingers through his hair. His pupils dilated as they fell on me, and my heart jumped in that old, familiar way.

I would never get over this man. I knew it right then. If we never saw each other again after that day, he would still be on my mind for the rest of my life.

“How so?” I asked, needing him to say it, needing him to be specific.

Andrew gulped. “With you. I ended things because I thought it would be best for everyone.”

“You thought it would be best for me?”

“Not right away, but eventually, yes.”

I worked my clenched teeth loose. “Andrew, the thing that was right for me was you and Raven, and you threw that away.”

“I know I did.”

“So what’s different now?”

His shoulders tensed. “I realized I made the wrong decision.”

“Because Raven told you that,” I stated, evenly staring back at him. So this was still all about Raven and not about us at all. Andrew had decided to try and get me back because that’s what his daughter wanted, not because that’s what he wanted.

Hurt filled my chest, threatening to crack the heart I’d spent all week taping back together.

“I have to go,” I snapped.

I went to step around him, but he jumped in front of me. “Wait.”

Folding my arms, I gazed up at him. We were only inches away, and I was trying to pretend his familiar scent wasn’t making me come undone. The truth was, my legs were trembling from the desire to rush him. I would never show that, though. Not while I had a shred of self-respect left.

“Lanie, I’m not apologizing only for Raven’s sake.”

“You didn’t apologize.”

“I’m sorry.” He lowered his face, staring into my eyes with that intensity that always won me over. “I’m sorry, a hundred times over.”

“Okay.” I shrugged, arms still crossed. I was afraid of what my hands might do if I let them free—hit Andrew or embrace him, I didn’t know. I also couldn’t decide which would be worse.

“I didn’t want to break up with you. It killed me to do that. Can you …” Andrew gulped, looking nervous, which was an incredibly strange expression on him. “What do you think about trying again?”

There was no flood of joy, no relief over him admitting his error. Instead, an emptiness filled me. The way he asked, it wasn’t right. This man had broken me, and now he stood here asking me to take him back like he was asking me to go out to frozen yogurt.

“I tried,” I choked out. “I gave you everything I could. I can’t go back there unless …”

Unless everything will be different. Unless you prove you love me.

I sucked in a long breath. They were powerful words, and at the moment, I felt too cowardly to say them.

“Raven really wants us to get back together, huh?” I mumbled.

“She sees how good we are together.”

“How good are we?”

Andrew opened his mouth and hesitated before closing it.

“You can’t answer that, Andrew? It was a pretty simple question.” Tears burned my eyes. Good lord, I hated how much I cried now.

“Yes, I can,” he answered, almost too quickly. He took my hand in his, making me uncross my arms. His palm was too warm and strong, making me unable to resist the touch.

“You make me happier than I’ve been in years, Lanie,” he insisted. “I don’t know how else to put it.”

The desire to fall into his arms filled me, but it wasn’t the only emotion present.

“You ruined my trust in you, Andrew. After what happened with us and my parents,” I stared at the floor and shook my head, “making it through that made me think we were on each other’s side no matter what. I can’t get back into a relationship and not have that. I need someone I can count on no matter what.”

“You can count on me.”

His hold on my hand tightened. Before I could overthink it, I pulled away, retracting my hand and taking a step back. He wasn’t getting what I was saying. I needed something more than promises. I needed confirmation that he meant what he said.

How he could deliver that, I didn’t know.

“What can I count on you for?” I cautiously asked.

He licked his lips, looking confused. “To care for you, to be there for you when you need me.”

“And what’s going to happen the next time we’re faced with a tragedy? I get that you need space, Andrew. That’s totally fine. Everyone needs that.”

He sighed and ran his hands over his face. It was then that I noticed he looked as tired as he had when Raven first went into the coma. Was he still not sleeping much?

“What do I need to do, Lanie? What do I need to say?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered. My chin trembled, and I set my jaw hard. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know.”

“Do you want me back? Tell me the truth. I just need that answer.”

I looked him straight in the eye. “My feelings for you haven’t changed, but I need some time to think about this.”

He nodded jerkily, looking unhappy. “You know where to find me.”

“I’m coming back here tomorrow, but, um, that might be too soon.”

“Oh. Okay.” His eyes darted away from me.

“I’ll see you.”

“Bye, Lanie,” he gently whispered.

The velvet quality of his voice sent tingles through me. But with the reminder of what Andrew brought me came the reminder of what he’d taken away. The man had cracked my heart in two. I loved him more than I ever had anyone else, and under the force of his hand, I hurt more than I ever had.

Life with him, I now saw, came with a risk, one I wasn’t so sure I could take again.

I left without another word, holding back the tears as I made my way through the hospital. Sitting alone in my car, I waited for them to come, and they didn’t.

I’d cried myself dry that month. There was nothing left.