Fuck Lan goddamn Davis. Fuck him. Stupid goddamn motherfucking idiot. Did he not think I’d have thought he’d been taken from the house if he wasn’t in it when I woke the hell up?

Seriously, what in the Christ was he thinking?

I wanted to punch him.

I would have if he wasn’t damn injured.

Dread and I had been friends before and feeling it always made me angry. I was fuming. When I’d still been half asleep and stumbling down the hall to Lan’s room to check on him, only to find the cockhead gone, it was like I’d been stabbed in the gut or shot with fear so high I got dizzy.

Slamming on my handbrake, I rubbed at my chest. The screwy idiot could only worry about Easton. Fuck, even when Lan had shown he’d been armed, it didn’t matter since he was already harmed enough to slow his reaction time.

I banged my hands against the steering wheel and cursed up a storm. Getting out of the car, I slammed the door shut and stomped off into the distance.

When I come to a stop, I said, “Sorry I wasn’t here on Sunday, brother.” Shaking my head, I closed my eyes. “Always sorry for so much.” With a sigh, I scrub a hand over my face. “You see, Lan had some trouble. He was shot up and beat.” I clenched my jaw. In a crouch, I asked, “Why does bad shit happen to good people?” I sucked in a breath, then snorted. “He said I was good. I ain’t good. I couldn’t be good, or I wouldn’t have thought of myself that night. I would have stayed, and you’d still be here giving me shit. Fuck.” I swiped at my eyes roughly and cleared my throat. My damn bottom lip trembled. I pulled it in and bit down on it, ignoring the tears threatening again.

I wasn’t good.

I was selfish and it cost me big.

Christ, if I could take back that night eighteen years ago, I would. If I could switch places, I would. In fact, I wanted to.

I wanted to be the one buried instead of my brother.

Never would I forgive myself for thinking of myself that night instead of him. I knew she’d been off her head, but that night I was too interested in chasing tail to think of anything else. That night the girl I’d been interested in would be at the party and I wanted to go and catch her attention.

Fucking dumb decision.

The wrong one.

It goddamn gutted me each and every bloody day.

“Christ,” I hissed out and wiped at my face. Our fucked-up mother had a drug and alcohol problem. I’d been taking care of my brother, Shawn, who’d been three years younger than me, since he’d come into the world really. Mum was a bitch to live with, but I didn’t want to get separated from Shawn if we got put in the system. Always my decisions that fucked up both of our lives. If I hadn’t’ve been greedy and let him get a better life with another family, he would still be alive.

“Fuckin’ hell,” I whispered and fell back on my arse to the grass before Shawn’s grave.

I’d never forget the night. Forget how I’d arrived home to find Erin, our so-called whore of a mother, laying into Shawn with a knife on the kitchen floor.

At first, I’d gone through the front door with a smile on my face. A pathetic smile. Then it crashed, just like the pain in my chest, at what I’d seen. With a scream full of fury, I’d raced over and gripped the back of her hair in one hand. With the other, I’d taken her hand holding the knife and sliced it across her neck.

Sweat, tears, and blood coated my body, but all I could see was a lifeless Shawn staring up at me.

Fucking hell. Fuck, fuck, fucking hell.

The memory opened me raw, my chest, my throat, my gut.

I’d pushed her aside and kneeled over my brother, trying to stop the blood pouring from him, but there were too many wounds.

I didn’t even find out why she’d done it; she died too quick by my hand. She deserved more, like I did.

I shouldn’t have left him alone.

I’d never allow forgiveness to touch me over losing Shawn.

I wasn’t good. I was pathetic, greedy, sad, and so damned angry.

I wasn’t sure how long I’d stayed by Shawn’s grave. Really, I didn’t care how long it’d been since I missed our usual Sunday. Sunday had always been our day. A day when I hadn’t worked or we both hadn’t been studying. It was a day we’d treated ourselves to do fuck all and spend time with each other. Sunday had always been mine and Shawn’s day, and I’d always, as long as I lived, go to my brother’s grave every Sunday.

After leaving there, I headed back to my apartment to grab another bag of shit, and on the way back to Lan’s, I called Dodge to see if there were any updates. There weren’t. Frustrated, I asked if another brother could take a shift at Lan’s for the next day so I could get out there to see if I could find anything. Not that the brothers weren’t doing what they could, but I hated sitting around as if I were doing nothing. Thank fuck Dodge understood and agreed.

Stoke hadn’t called, so I guessed he didn’t care about how long I ended up taking. I didn’t think I’d be gone all day, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave Shawn’s grave. Too much shit had been happening recently, and I hadn’t been processing. I tried to while sitting in my silence. Still didn’t make me any less pissed about the whole situation and Lan’s lack of care about himself.

After parking, I grabbed my bag and got out of the car and walked to the front door. Before I had the chance to take the front steps, the door opened and Stoke stepped out.

“All good?” I asked, pausing.

“Fine, brother. Wanted to check on you.”

I snorted. “I’m fine, I’d be better if that Miller fuckhead was caught and Lan was healed.”

He came forward, enough to lean against the pole at the top of the steps. “Get the feelin’ more is touchin’ you than what’s actually happened.”

I tensed, and bit out, “I’m fine.”

Stoke made a sound in the back of his throat. “Demons can fuck a brother up. Sure you know it as much as I do. Least I got the help of my brothers and a good woman to deal with my demons.”

“Your point?” I asked.

“Just sayin’ you ain’t alone. You don’t wear a cut, but you’re still a brother. If you need to shoot the shit, any one of us will be there. Know someone else who would be as well. The man inside. He has your back. Has had it for a long time. Share stuff with him so he understands better, because he sure as shit didn’t understand why in the hell you scolded him like he was a little boy.”

“Reckless move and it pissed me off, that’s all.”

“It was reckless, but Miller’d know by now Lan’s got our help. Sure, Miller wouldn’t be stupid to come by again. He’d wait, bide his time for Lan to be out and alone.”

“Can’t say that for sure.”

He nodded. “True.”

Silence. If he was waiting for me to open up, he’d be waiting a while.

“Julian left with Nary earlier. My woman helped Lan to bed a while ago. You good if we head off?”

“Yep.”

“All right.” I started up the steps only to stop when Stoke straightened and grabbed my shoulder. “Lan’s a brother, but he’s also family. We got the same blood running through us. Do anything for that man in there, even when he pisses me off.”

“I’d do the same.”

“Know that. It’s why I wanna thank you.”

“No need for it.”

Stoke chuckled. “Still felt I had to do it. Now it’s done, and I gotta get my knocked-up woman home.”

“Mally’s expecting?”

His smile was a proud one. “Sure is.”

“Congrats, brother.”

“Thanks.” We started for the door. “Just a note, Lan’s back to being as high as a kite. You might want to ignore some of the shit that comes outta his mouth.”

I snorted. “Pretty sure I know what you’re talkin’ about, and I knew.”

Stoke grinned and shook his head. “Not sure you do, but I’m sure you’ll see eventually. Just, he’s a good man.” He coughed. “Not bad lookin’ even.” Another cough and from the porch light, I saw him turn red. “I didn’t know about his past, and I don’t care now. He can like whoever he wants, but, I, ah, he’s a good bloke… don’t fuckin’, I don’t know, hate him for his attraction I guess.”

I jerked my head back. Why in the hell would I care if he liked Easton? Jesus, I’d been standing at Easton’s place when Lan confessed to dating him to Stoke and the others, and I didn’t react then, so why was he saying shit now? “Told you I already knew. If I hated it, I wouldn’t be here.”

“Fuck,” he bit out. “I… you… never mind.” He opened the front door and called for his woman.

Mally came strutting out from the kitchen. I’d always found her attractive, like a lot of the Hawks women. She smiled warmly up at me.

“Stoke just told me.”

She gasped, her eyes widening. “He did?”

“Ah, about the baby,” Stoke said quickly.

“Oh, yes.” She smiled and rubbed her belly. “Killer and Ivy are expecting too. We’re hoping to deliver on the same day.”

“Hell, must be in the water.”

She laughed. “Must be. Um, Lan’s a great guy, isn’t he?”

“Love,” Stoke said in warning, for some bloody reason.

They were acting damn strange. “Did somethin’ happen when I was gone? Did Lan say or do anythin’ I should know about?”

Mally laughed, but it was put on. “No.” She shook her head, came forward, patted my arm and then tugged me down to kiss my cheek. “Thanks for being here for Lan.”

“Yeah, no worries.” I watched them as they looked at each other and then at me.

Just as I was about to question them again, Stoke clapped his hands and said, “We should go. Got a drive ahead of us. Take it easy, brother.”

“You too, and congrats again to you both. Pass that on to Killer and Ivy.”

“We will.” Mally beamed.

“Talk soon,” Stoke said, and with a tap on the back, they walked to the front door, out it, and gone.

What in the fuck was all that about?

I understood the knocked-up part, but the rest I didn’t have a clue.

Shaking my head, I slid the bag from my shoulder and dropped it to the floor. I wasn’t sure if Lan had eaten, but I was damned starving. I went into the kitchen ready to make something, but instead found a few dishes already made up. Some were of pasta, others meat and veg. Mally must have been busy cooking for Lan that day. Didn’t mean I couldn’t steal one. I grabbed some pasta and heated it. As I stood there and watched the plate turn around in the microwave, I couldn’t help but wish I’d had a special someone in my life to want to take care of me in the way Mally did Stoke, or Low did Dodge.

Then again, having someone could lead to more hurt and heartache, because no doubt I’d do something to fuck it all up. Yeah, I’d rather stick to one-night stands.