“You’ve been saying this for a while,” Parker said, glaring down at me. He hated when I talked about it, but I wanted to. His lips thinned as he spotted me while I did my last set of weights. I had been telling him I felt I’d lost interest in being a detective. I was sick of the hours, sick of the bullshit we got sometimes with certain cases. I wanted a change. Wanted to settle down a bit. Hell, I’d saved enough to even take a pay reduction if I found a job that talked to me more than what I was already doing.

Maybe I was just after something to change in my life instead of it being the same old.

“You’re already on an extended break. This time away could be just what you need. A break.”

“Could be.” But it wasn’t and he knew it. Still, I’d take the time away to figure out what was going on in my head. If I’d be looking for a job elsewhere or going back. What I did know was that it’d suck not working with Parker if I did leave. He also hated change, so I wasn’t sure he’d like it if I left in the first place.

“You gonna tell me who that ambo guy was to you yet?” Parker asked for, fuck, the billionth time. One day he’d get it through his head I wouldn’t answer, but it was a good ploy to change the subject.

I hooked the weight back into its hold and sat up. “I’ll tell you when you tell me where you go every Sunday,” I said, then chuckled at Parker’s scowl. Yeah, he didn’t like sharing as much as I did. I stood, picked up my towel, and told him, “Your turn.” We traded places so I could spot him. He set his towel down and lay back on the bench.

It was damn torture.

Parker didn’t wear a tee when working out. He thought they got in the way, and for too long now I’d been checking him out more and more. Something I had to goddamn stop because he was as straight as they came. We’d been partners ever since I moved to Caroline Springs. Parker’s clipped attitude had been frowned on in the department, and no one wanted to work alongside him. Then I got put with him and soon discovered we worked well together. What helped was the connection we had with the Hawks MC. We were detectives, but also honorary brothers to the club. The only difference was we didn’t wear their patch, so we could help them when the situation called for it.

A lot would see it as a bad move, but to us, it wasn’t. We believed in their values. They protected their families and did it however they wanted. Family was important. I was taught that by the club back when I used to live in Ballarat. My cousin Stoke was a member of the Hawks MC. At the time, we were both trying to help the same woman, Malinda. She was a good woman, a woman I wouldn’t have minded claiming as my own, but she only had eyes for Stoke. When shit happened to her, Hawks went all out to bring her peace. It wasn’t exactly legal, but after what she went through, the bastard who’d messed with her didn’t deserve to travel along the legal path. Since I had their backs in the situation, I became a part of Hawks. I had proven myself, and as far as I was concerned, they did the same in my eyes.

Most law enforcement officers would balk at the idea of being a part of an MC. But I didn’t; I respected their ways.

Parker was a different story. He hadn’t known them as long as I had, but he’d got involved when, unbeknownst to him, he was living with the prez’s sister-in-law. Crap went down, and he was always in the background willing to help, but the Hawks didn’t take him into the fold until he shot himself to protect a brother from going to jail when Low, Dodge’s woman, had been held hostage.

“You gonna spot me or stare at me?” Parker clipped.

“Shit.” I stepped closer, hands ready to grab the bar.

Shit again. I hadn’t realised I zoned out while watching his stomach muscles work. “Sorry, thinking of other stuff. I wasn’t staring at you.”

“Thinkin’ of that ambo guy?” he taunted.

No. But Easton had always been in the back of my mind and now the front a lot since seeing him. Hell, he’d changed. He was a little taller, broader, and with the short-sleeve uniform he’d had on, I’d seen the ink on both arms and damn, it had looked fucking amazing on his darker skin.

Parker sighed, set the weight into its hold and sat up. “Lan, what the fuck is up with you? Is that guy a problem? Do I need to do a background check on him or something? He an ex”—my heart stalled—“crim you put away?”—then it started beating again.

Easton Ravel was an ex, just not the kind Parker was thinking.

I’d screwed up big time with Easton, and I’d done it in a way it took me years to get over. If I were honest with myself, I still wasn’t over it because I’d never been with another guy since him. I wanted him to be my final memory with a guy. However, none of it stopped me from fucking women. I did. But Easton deserved to be my last relationship with a guy. That way no one else could tarnish my memory of him; he’d been important to me and losing him had been all my damned fault. I fucked him over because I’d been a pussy.

I shook my head. “No. He’s just someone I knew. Don’t worry about it.” I tipped my chin up at the weights station. “You done here?”

He eyed me, fully aware I was talking out of my arse. But there was no way I was telling Parker Wilding that Easton used to be my… boyfriend.

No one knew that side of me, and as far as I was concerned, I’d left that side behind when Easton left town.

“Suppose.” Parker stood, grabbed his towel and ran it down his chest and stomach. Of course I watched it, then spun and cursed myself for watching. I started for the locker rooms when Parker called my name. Turning back, he asked, “You coming to the compound? There’s that thing for Fang and Poppy.”

“Nah, I think I might catch up on some sleep.” I hadn’t been getting much and maybe with extra z’s I’d stop thinking of Easton and staring at Parker like I wanted to take a bite out of him. God, I hoped he never noticed. “I’ll catch up later there.”

He gave me a chin lift, and I quickly made my way to the locker room again.

I groaned as I lay flat on my bed. I’d already had a shower at the gym, so all I had to do was kick off my shoes and socks, then slip off my tee. I felt drained mentally. My mind wouldn’t let up for me to actually get enough hours of sleep. Then there was my job. We had shit hours, some days not sleeping at all. Which was why, since it was the start of my break, even though it was the middle of the day, I wanted to rest whenever the hell I liked, then maybe, I wouldn’t be fucked in the head.

Yeah, right.

It was easy to blame lack of sleep for why I kept admiring Parker. But it’d been happening too often. Even more after I saw Easton. Now both men kept popping up randomly in my mind.

Parker would cut off my balls if he knew I was attracted to him.

Easton would punch me in the face if I tried to see him or contact him and try to apologise.

Even the thought of…. No, I couldn’t go there. Easton would never want anything to do with me ever again, and I couldn’t say I blamed him.

Closing my eyes, I cringed as regret stabbed at my gut.

Easton had made me happy.

He’d made me smile, laugh, and damn… love, even in the short time we were together. His shyness had charmed me. When he’d opened up, each time I saw him was something special to witness.

What he didn’t know was that the first night I saw him, I’d been there to hook-up with an old lay. That was until I kept catching him looking in that mirror behind the bar. At first, I thought it was at the woman I sat with. Then I realised his eyes stayed on me each time. He tried to hide it, only glancing up for a second or two or he’d bring his book higher in front of him so it looked as if he was reading and not staring at me in the mirror.

Jesus, just thinking of it brought a smile to my lips. I knew if I didn’t get rid of the bird I’d been with, I’d lose the chance of having Easton. I would have regretted my choice, which was why I’d got her out of there so I could approach him. He may have been young, but my attention had been zoned on him as soon as I’d entered that pub. He’d looked familiar, and it took me a little time to remember I’d perved on him at university when I had to go and give a talk. He’d appealed to me more than any other guy had. So I faked a text from the station calling me in for work, and as soon as the woman I’d been with left, I’d made my move over to him.

He’d stuttered, floundered, and near panicked at my attention. I’d enjoyed every moment of it, and even more when I’d gotten him back to his place.

Two months.

We’d had two months together, and I had to admit, they were the moments in my life I felt carefree and loved the most from any other memory from my past.

Then I fucked it up.

"Christ," I muttered into my room and ran a hand over my face. The pain I saw on his face still gutted me each time it slid into my mind. I was a motherfucking prick.

Maybe I needed to find him so he could punch me.

Then at least we could look for closure.

But I was kidding myself. I’d want closure, but I’d also want Easton back in my life. If he accepted me as a friend, I’d take it and then long for more on my own time.

Like I’d longed for more from Parker, but that’d never happen, and I’d finally started to get my mind and heart to realise it.

I was one confused dickhead.

Two guys?

Two males?

Where was my dream of a family? Yeah, even men liked the thought of kids, a dog, and a damned white picket fence.

I was forty, and I had none of it.

Shit, maybe it was time I did find my future and put those two men behind me.

Only, I didn’t have a clue what in the fuck I was going to do.

Rolling to my side, I closed my eyes and prayed sleep would take me away from my thoughts.

Sleep must have taken me, but something had woken me.

Shifting slightly, I glanced at the alarm clock on my bedside table. Two hours, that was it.

My body locked tight when I heard a floorboard creak. With my lids dipped low, I peeked out to my bedroom doorway.

Fuck.

Shit.

A figure stood in it.

Someone was in my goddamn house.

Two more appeared behind the first.

My heart raced. Thankfully I was already on my back with my arm up over my shoulder. All I had to do was reach under my pillow for the gun I always kept there. In my line of work, I knew I had to be careful.

They moved into the room, spreading out. Fuck. I’d maybe have time to shoot one or two, but the other would have time to get to me, and if the intruders had weapons, I’d be screwed.

“Know you’re awake.”

No use faking now. May as well play.

Opening my eyes, I glanced at the person on the right. A filthy and what looked like high teenager. My left, the same thing, only a girl, and standing at the end of the bed…. Jesus Christ.

“Miller?”

Miller smirked and waved his gun around. “Nice place you got here.”

“When did you get out?”

He chuckled. “Recently for good behaviour. So I thought I’d visit the man who put me behind bars. The traitor.” I went to sit up, but he screeched, “You move I start shooting.”

With the sun still shining through the windows, I could see he was high on something. All their pupils were dilated.

“Why’d you snitch?”

“Why wouldn’t I? You may have been my partner, but we were cops.”

Miller and I had been put together fresh out of the academy. To start with, we’d been friends. That all ended the night I saw him dealing while on the job. After I reported it, it wasn’t me who broke his door down to arrest him, but it was me who’d caught him fucking an underage girl who was so doped up she didn’t know where she was or even who.

“You could have kept your mouth shut or even come to me about it first,” he yelled.

Bang.