I watched Parker walk out of the room. When I’d spoken to Easton outside, I’d forgotten he was there. What was strange was how he hadn’t seemed surprised by it. That got me thinking that I must have said or done something to give away my past with Easton in front of him. But what? I should’ve warned them I was never good on pain meds. How I tended to blurt shit out…. Fuck, I wish I remembered, but I didn’t.

Which meant I’d have to ask him and talk it out before the meds kicked in.

I’d also have to get him out of the house in case I said or did something to Parker. Something I’d regret, and he’d freak out over.

Burning pain touched me in my shoulder, side, arm, and leg. Hell, might as well be all over since it sure felt like it. Honestly, I hadn’t even seen the pain meds on the bedside table when I woke. I’d heard Parker’s voice, and like a ship to water, I wanted to head towards it and see what he was doing. I knew I would’ve acted the same way if it’d been Easton.

Goddamn. Two guys.

Two guys who wouldn’t have, and didn’t, want anything to do with me.

Though from what I could guess, Easton had stuck around after finding and fixing me up with Nurse, and that was nice. I could recall Nurse arriving but not much after that. How long had Easton stayed? What had he said to Parker? Or what had Parker overheard me saying to Easton?

Fuck me. I felt like an injured, pathetic animal, and all I could think about was Parker and Easton. My mind should have been on Miller and my vengeance for what he’d done to me. I clenched my jaw and fists. It was his fucking fault I was laid up in bed and probably making a fool out of myself.

Shit. Had I said anything in front of the Hawks brothers?

Christ. To hell with it. Right then, I didn’t care because my head throbbed with new pain. That motherfucking piece-of-shit Miller. Why in the hell did I have to suffer from his bad choices?

He would pay.

He had to.

The Lan who’d been his partner was long gone.

In his place was a man who’d seen too much shit. Too many crims got away with crimes I knew they’d committed. At first, I thought the Hawks values were wrong, but the way they handled Malinda’s situation, I knew deep down they weren’t. They, as well as Malinda, made me realise I would put the badge aside if I had to so the culprit could be taught a lesson before they were handed over to me, and now Parker. Or if there was a case where a lesson wasn’t enough, I turned a blind eye. Hawks dealt with their own problems, and it wasn’t over petty shit. Bad things had happened, and they’d sorted it to protect their family.

It was the path I chose to follow.

It was the belief system I chose to live by.

Family was first.

I didn’t have much of it, but I saw many close friends and their families as a part of my life, in one way or another.

And one day I would have my own to protect.

But then Easton came barrelling back into my life. After seeing him again, all I could see for my future was Easton at my side. Waking and falling asleep beside him. Smiling, laughing, and spending all the time I could with him. He’d been my only piece of happiness so long ago. Could he be again? Maybe he could if I showed him I wasn’t the person I’d been back then—a coward.

My sight shot to the doorway as Parker walked in and my heart skipped a damn beat spotting him. How could Easton be the future I hoped for and still be attracted to a man I shouldn’t be?

He carried with him a tray and came to my side to lay it beside me. “Someone cooked today. I found risotto in the fridge. Thought it’d slide down better than anythin’ else.”

“Thanks.”

“You doin’ okay?”

“Yeah. Look, I was thinking about how I doubt Miller will make another appearance here. No use for you to stay. I’ll be fine on my own.”

He straightened and crossed his arms over his chest. “You want me gone?”

I glanced down at the food and then back up to his scowl. “Sure.”

“Why the sudden change?”

I clenched my hands and sucked in a breath through my nose, then brought up the damn awkward subject. “How much do you know about Easton?”

He snorted. “This why you want me to go? You’re embarrassed? I don’t give a shit about what happened between you and the kid.”

“He’s not a kid,” I bit out.

Parker relaxed his stance and sat on the edge of the bed. “Not the point I was gettin’ at. You don’t need to worry about being embarrassed over it.”

“I’m not. But how did you find out? It looked like you knew a lot while we were outside before.”

He leaned back on a palm and eyed me. His lips twitched, and I fucking knew whatever happened it was going to embarrass me.

“You wanted him in the shower with you, said something about remembering the last time it happened.”

Fuck.

What a way to find out about it.

“Bet you got the shock of your life?”

He chuckled and shook his head smiling. “Yep. So did Beast and Knife.”

With my gut churning, I blinked slowly over at Parker. “Shit, I said it in front of them too?”

“Nah, you’d said something else to them when I wasn’t here.”

I ran a hand over my face with a wince. Weariness pulled at me. “Don’t matter who knows.”

Parker leaned forward and picked up the bowl. “Eat before you crash.”

I smiled. “You’re good.”

He snorted. “No, I’m not.”

“You are.” I grabbed the bowl and stuffed a mouthful in, only to cringe when my shoulder twinged. He sighed, grabbed the bowl back and with an eye-roll, he scooped up some on the spoon, and held it out in front of my mouth.

“Shut it,” he warned, maybe because my smile had grown.

After I chewed and swallowed, I asked, “You don’t care?”

He gave me more before he answered, “Nope.”

“Why?”

“Each to their own, Lan. I ain’t gonna judge shit like that. You still care for him?” By the quick flare of his eyes, he hadn’t expected that question to come out of him.

“Yeah, I do.” Did I? I did. He was on my mind constantly, even before I saw him about a month ago. I’d also wondered where and how he was, and who he was with. Though, with that last thought, I always seemed to get pissed.

My gut twisted at the guilt of how I’d ended it with him. I hadn’t wanted to, but I’d been scared by how my colleagues would take it. Too concerned about my feelings and nothing about his. I’d gone to his place the next day, but he was already gone.

I wished to Christ I’d chased him.

Regret.

It’d always be a part of me, and I could only pray things would change.

Unless he thought I was still a dick. The way I acted out the front wasn’t promising or helping me any.

“More?” Parker asked. I hadn’t realised I’d still been eating while lost in my own thoughts.

I shook my head. My brain had grown foggy.

“Gonna sleep,” I said after a sip of water.

“All good, I’ll be on the couch.”

“You don’t—”

“Shut it, Lan.”

I chuckled and slowly slid down in the bed. “See, you’re good,” I mumbled, my eyes already drifting closed.

Standing, I took one more glance at Lan and left the room. I pulled the door half closed; if Lan called out, I wanted to be able to hear him. I headed down the hall to the living room and sat on the edge of the couch, resting my head in my hands and sighed. If I was such a good guy…. I shook my head, knowing I wasn’t. There was no doubt about it. I wasn’t a good guy. Lan saw my fucked-up attitude at the world. I was angry all the damn time.

Angry at so many things.

Lan couldn’t seriously believe I was a good guy. It had to be the drugs talking. Then again, he didn’t know everything about me. No one did, not even the sarge since I had a different surname to the person I should have called Mum.

Admittedly, before Lan came along, I’d been worse. Since him, and the connection he had to the Hawks MC and the way they were in the world, I’d found something within all of them that resonated in me. Their morals. The way they treated each other and their families.

That was how families should have been.

Not what Erin was.

She’d been nothing to us.

Not that anyone knew where my anger stemmed from, but it wasn’t something I could get rid of. At least I didn’t think I could. It’d been with me for a long time and for a damned good reason.

Sergeant got me to see a shrink a few times. Not that it worked out. Talking to strangers didn’t sit well for me as I didn’t trust easy. At least not until I’d had time to read them, and time meant more than a couple of visits.

Yeah, I had issues.

The funny thing was, since Lan, a man who showed me I could trust, and the Hawks brothers as well, they helped cool my anger. It was still there. It would always be there, not only for what happened, but for the stupid choices I’d made and how it had cost not me but a person I loved.

Christ.

I rubbed my palms into my eyes.

Exhaustion pulled at my mind and body. But when I slept after being so goddamn tired, I sometimes dreamed, and I fucking hated those more than the lack of sleep. I snorted. That was another reason I was a cunt most days. I survived more on catnaps than actual sleep.

Jesus. I was so damn screwed up.

Standing, I grabbed my laptop and walked into the kitchen. I poured myself a mug of coffee that was already brewed and tilted my gaze to the front window when music from next door started up. Seemed Easton had decided to have a party. Only a second later, the tunes quickly shut off. Thank fuck, I was in no mood for anything else that night.