Chapter 13

Ashley

I hated myself, but I hated him more for getting me so damn hot. How could a man I hadn’t seen for so long have such a strong effect on me? It was like my body recognized him and turned me into a sex-crazed lunatic. From the moment I first laid eyes on him last week, I had been racked with thoughts and images of hot and dirty sex with him. His body was to die for. Watching Jasper study each of the tattoos that day had left me feeling achy between my legs. His arms were muscular and the tats were a serious aphrodisiac. He was a polished man when he was working, but when he was off, he was that same rebellious boy who had stolen my heart all those years ago.

When I’d walked into his office yesterday, I’d had no idea what I was going to say or do. I had been a bundle of violent emotions, and when I’d gotten close enough to smell his pleasing cologne, my brain had shut off and my body had taken over. I had jumped him literally right in front of the entire town. I had no idea if anyone had seen us. Thankfully, he’d had the foresight to move us to his office. I wondered if he had plenty of practice and experience to fall back on. How many women had he banged there in his office?

Once it was all done, I felt like a complete fool. I was mortified by my behavior. I had never in my life been so brazen. It was him. I blamed him. He had a way of pulling my strings and making me do whatever it was he wanted. While he hadn’t necessarily said he wanted to have sex, I could sense it. Or at least that was what I was telling myself.

I shoved another cup in the dishwasher, forcing it a little too hard. I was mad as hell. I was mad at Brock, my siblings, cancer, and the world in general. Mostly, I was mad at myself for the shitty decisions I kept making. Everything was wrong. Nothing was as it should have been. I shouldn’t have been back in this Podunk town trying to save a farm nobody wanted. I shouldn’t have had to worry about that man getting custody of my child.

“Dammit!” I shouted when the cup stopped the dishwasher from closing all the way.

I pulled open the dishwasher and threw the plastic cup across the kitchen. I stood there staring at the wet spot on the wall and the cup on the floor.

“That was stupid,” I muttered before walking over to clean up the mess.

As if the memory of the hot sex wasn’t bad enough, my body still tingled and shivers washed over my body every time I thought about it. I remembered the feel of his lips against my neck and, most importantly, the feel of his dick pressed into me. He was bigger than I remembered, or maybe it was simply because it had been a long time since I’d had sex. Maybe it was because I’d been so damn horny I didn’t know any better.

It had been tantalizing, and while I had reached an orgasm, I felt wholly unsatisfied. It wasn’t enough. I craved more. My body practically demanded it. I wanted him beneath me, with me riding him slowly. I wanted to feel him deep inside me. How could I want a man who was making my life such complete hell? There was something seriously wrong with me. I needed therapy—or a really good lay by anyone other than Brock.

I stomped through the house, picking up as I went. I knew I was throwing a world-class tantrum, but I couldn’t seem to stop it. The house had cleared out a bit ago after I’d freaked out over a cup left in the living room. I was being a total bitch. I knew it, but I felt like I was being pulled in a million different directions. Bitch was my default attitude. I had even managed to run off my best friend. Janna had gone into town on her own in my rental car. I had snapped at her earlier when she’d asked me to go with her. Thankfully, we knew each other well enough that I knew she wouldn’t hold it against me forever.

Dad and Jasper had retreated outside. Everyone had left me alone to stomp around the house and act like a total bitch without interfering. Now I felt like a total asshole.

“Hey, Dad,” I said as I carried a glass of ice-cold lemonade to him. “I come in peace.”

He was sitting on the porch, trying to stay out of the sun, and watching Jasper play in the dirt.

“Hi,” he said, greeting me with a smile and taking the lemonade. “Feeling better?” He winked.

I smiled. “Yes. Sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m cranky.”

He nodded. “I understand. This is a lot to deal with. I’m sorry to have to put such a burden on you. I know Brock knows about Jasper. Is he trying to get custody yet?”

I shrugged. “He’s mentioned it. I’m not worried he’ll win, but I know he’ll get visitation and that bothers me. It means I either have to put my kid on a plane and send him back here a few times a year or I have to move back. I know Brock won’t move. I have no idea what a judge will do. It’s a mess. I know it’s one I created, but it still sucks.”

“Yes, it does, but I’m confident you two will figure something out. I don’t think Brock is a bad man, and he should be in Jasper’s life. Trust me, when that boy hits the teen years, you are going to want a daddy figure to help manage him. Teenagers are rough business,” he teased.

I laughed. “So I’ve heard.”

“You’ll figure it out, Ashley. Jasper is a good boy. You have done a great job with him. You’ve made me proud. Your mother would be very proud as well.”

“Thanks, Dad. How are you feeling? You look a lot better today. I can see some color in your face again.”

He nodded. “Today is a good day. I pray the worst is behind me. I only have two more treatments to go.”

My heart ached hearing the strain in his voice. “You’re going to beat this, Dad. I just know it.”

He was always such a strong man. To see him weak and frail hurt me deeply. I wanted my big strong daddy back, the man who was always there to support me even when I was doing really stupid things. It wasn’t fair he had been struck by this disease, but I knew he was tough enough to kick it.

“Listen, Ashley. I have accepted my fate, whatever it may be. I’m ready for what comes my way. I believe it was meant to be. Losing your mama when you were all so young was my first clue that fate was a cruel bitch. When it’s your time, it’s your time.”

“It isn’t your time. Medicine has come a long way. You can beat this and go back to your regular life,” I promised him, hoping with every fiber of my being that was the case.

He looked at me. “I won’t do another round of chemo after this. I want to make sure you all know that now. If this cancer wants to kill me, well, it can. I will not put my body through it again when there is no point. I would rather live out my days with some dignity. Some days I think the chemo is killing me faster than the cancer.”

I couldn’t imagine what he had been going through, but I couldn’t imagine him giving up either.

“Dad—”

“No. Stop now. I’m not doing it. It costs too much money, and if it isn’t going to work, I don’t want to waste another dollar or, more importantly than that, another minute,” he said with a firmness in his voice I hadn’t heard in a long time. That was my old dad talking, the strong man who put his foot down when one of us kids was deserving of a good, hard hand to guide us back onto the road to right.

I nodded. I could understand his decision even if I didn’t agree with it. I wanted him here with us forever.

“Dad?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you want the farm? I mean, do you really want to live here?”

He sighed. “I love this place, but no, I don’t want to live here alone anymore. My dream was to pass it to one of you. I really always thought you would be the one to live here.”

I cringed, remembering the plans we had made before I’d run away.

“I’m sorry, Dad. I just couldn’t.”

“But you can now,” he said in a soft voice. “If one of you wants to live here, I’d like to try to keep the place. But I don’t want to live here alone. I could move into that room above Hank’s garage. We’ve already talked about it, and he is willing to take me in.”

“No! You can’t live in a tiny room, Dad. What would you do all day?”

“Retire. Do what retired old men do,” he said with a chuckle.

“You are not old. You have a lot of life to live. I don’t see you being happy kicking around at a golf course or spending your days sipping bad coffee at the diner. You are an active man. If you aren’t moving, you aren’t happy.”

He gave a wan smile. “Ashley, I am not a healthy man. I don’t know if I can take care of myself. I need to look at the big picture. What if I don’t beat this? It means I have a slow death coming and I won’t be able to take care of myself. It makes sense that I would live with one of you, or I suppose you could put me in a nursing home, but living out here alone isn’t going to be an option.”

I groaned. “Those are not good choices.”

“I don’t expect any of you to put your lives on hold or change anything to accommodate me. Believe it or not, I’m a big boy. I can make my own decisions. I chose to be alone, and I’m living with that decision,” he said, shaking his head. “I will miss this place, though.”

“I’m sorry, Dad. This sucks. I can’t believe this is what we were handed. This can’t be it.”

“This is what life is all about, hon. We get dealt the cards that fate thinks we can handle. We have to make the most of it. Sometimes battling against fate is a futile mission, and I think that’s what we’re dealing with now.”

I fought back a sob. None of us understood what he had been dealing with alone all this time. We had been so selfish, thinking only about how his cancer was affecting us and what losing the farm meant to us. I felt horrible. I’d had tunnel vision and never once thought about the stress and strain my dad had been under as he tried to figure out how to save his life while keeping the family farm.

“Well, I’m not going to give up that easily. Don’t start packing your bags yet, Dad. Let me do some checking around to see what I can do,” I said, feeling a renewed sense of strength and determination.

I leaned down and hugged him. Before, getting my arms around him would have been impossible. Cancer had made it a reality. Feeling his frail body gave me the strength to keep fighting. I wanted to save his home. I had some ideas, but first I needed my car.

I left him on the porch and went inside to call Janna. I apologized and then demanded she get back to the farm to pick me up. We had some serious business to attend to.