Chapter 33

Ashley

“Jasper!” I shouted again. I had walked into the corn, which had grown a great deal in the past couple weeks. It was definitely taller than Jasper and would hide him from me if he was out there playing in the field.

“Jasper!” I screamed again, trying to fight the panic racing through my body.

My legs felt like rubber as I pushed stalks aside, looking toward the ground, praying I would see his little feet. I had been all over the farm and not been able to find him. My dad had taken the truck into town early this morning, so I was by myself, trying to search the farm. It was a daunting task.

“Jasper Tanner Parks! This is not funny! Get your butt over here right now!” I shouted.

I stopped moving and waited for his response. Nothing.

“Okay, okay,” I said aloud. “Where would he go?”

The barn. I raced out of the corn and headed for the barn, to his favorite stall. He wasn’t there. I wanted to collapse, but I couldn’t. I was the only one who knew he was missing. I had to keep looking. I debated calling the sheriff’s department but felt silly. He was probably playing and I just couldn’t find him. They would come out and he would walk right out from wherever he was as if nothing had happened. The deputies would look at me as if I were crazy and decide I was a bad mom.

Who let their kid wander off? I had been working on editing my landscape pictures now that I was done with those from the shoot over the weekend. Jasper always stayed close. I had been keeping an eye on him, but when he disappeared from the porch, I had assumed he had gone off to dig in the dirt. It was only after I realized I hadn’t seen him in a while that I thought to check on him. It had been incredibly stupid and neglectful. I would never forgive myself.

He was gone. Just like that he was gone. I checked my watch and realized I had been searching the farm for over an hour. It was time to call the police. My son was gone.

I heard a car coming up the driveway and turned to see Brock’s truck. Great. As if I needed anyone else to tell me what a horrible mother I was. As much as I didn’t want to tell him I had lost our son, I needed his help and support.

I ran toward the truck, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall. Then I saw Jasper’s head in the back seat of the extended cab.

“What the hell!” I shouted, running to the passenger side. I tried to open the door while the truck was still moving, but the door was locked.

Brock threw the truck into park and jumped out.

“Brock! Are you serious? You can’t just come and take him whenever you feel like it!” I screamed, yanking the door open and frantically unbuckling Jasper’s belt.

“I didn’t,” he said in a calm voice.

His calm demeanor enraged me. I had been out of my mind with fear and here he was all calm, cool, and collected.

“You will pay for this. You will never see him.”

“Mom, calm down,” Jasper said, squirming in my arms.

I stomped toward the house, carrying my son as I went. The kid was getting too big for me to carry, but I couldn’t let him go.

“Ashley,” Brock started.

I spun around. “Stay away from me! I can’t believe you did this. I turn you down and you kidnap my son!”

“MOM!” Jasper yelled.

I blinked and looked at him before setting him down on the bottom step of the porch. “What?” I asked with a great deal of frustration.

“Dad didn’t kidnap me! I ran away!”

I stared at my five-year-old son in shock. “You did what?”

“I ran away. I went to Dad’s house and he brought me back here,” he said, wincing as he said the words.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You ran away, Jasper? Why would you run away?”

“Because I wanted to see my dad and you told Grandpa we couldn’t see him anymore,” he said.

I took a deep breath. “Jasper Tanner Parks, get your butt inside and plant it on the couch. We are going to talk about this. Don’t you move. Don’t you play with anything. You sit there and think about what you did,” I ordered.

He turned and walked up the steps. I watched his little shoulders droop as he went inside the house. I took a few seconds to compose myself before turning to face Brock. It was time to eat crow.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out. “I couldn’t find him and then you showed up here and I assumed you were mad at me and took him.”

He shook his head. “You’re unbelievable, Ashley. That is something you would do—you know, take a kid from his parent to punish the parent.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeated.

“You’re damn lucky I came home when I did. He was sitting on my front steps. I gave him water and then brought him straight home. I didn’t encourage him. I told him what he did was wrong.”

I nodded. I couldn’t speak. All the adrenaline that had been racing through my system evaporated. I felt weak and drained. All the emotions hit me at once. Tears ran down my face. Brock took several long strides toward me and wrapped me in his arms. He held me as I wept without saying a word.

When I could speak, I apologized once again. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe he did that. Did he say why he ran away?”

I felt his chest inflate with a deep breath before relaxing. “He overheard you talking to your dad, I guess. He thought you weren’t going to let him see me because you didn’t want to be friends. He panicked and ran.”

I had to laugh. He was his mother’s child. I panicked and I ran. We were going to have to work on that. I knew Brock recognized the irony but was kind enough not to point it out.

“Why, Ash? Why can’t we be friends?”

I stepped back and looked into those blue eyes that always made me feel all gooey inside. “Look, what we went through the first time, Brock—I know you think I ran away and life was all grand for me, but it wasn’t. It took me a long time to get over you. I don’t want to go through that same heartache again.”

“We could have worked through it, Ashley. That’s how relationships work. You come up against hard times and you have to fight to stay together. You lean on each other. You figure out how to move on—together. You don’t run away.”

“I know. I mean, I know that now. I don’t want to hurt you, Brock. I really don’t. I didn’t set out to come back into your life and hurt you,” I said, a fresh wave of tears coming over me.

He pulled me back into his arms and held me while I cried. Once again, I composed myself and stepped away.

“Why would you want me anyway?” I asked. “I’m a mess.”

He laughed. “One hot mess. Just the way I like you.”

I shook my head. “I can’t believe you think this is a good thing. I’m a total wreck. I want you, I don’t want you; I attack you and then I push you away. I was thinking Anna was the one who was a bit crazy, but now I wonder if I’m the crazy one.”

I looked at him, expecting him to assure me that wasn’t the case at all, but he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. I had been stomping all over the man for the past half decade. I had been awful to him. I didn’t deserve his patience or forgiveness.

“Ashley, you are the only one who can decide what you want,” he said. “But I will say this: I’m not a yo-yo. I will not keep playing these games with you. I am too old and too tired to keep doing this back and forth.”

I nodded. “I know. You’re right, which is why I said I couldn’t go out with you tonight.”

“You need to figure it out, not just for my sake, but for Jasper’s as well. He’s confused. Your mixed signals gave him false hope that he was going to have a big happy family. Then you yanked that away from him. It isn’t me that is wavering, Ashley. It’s you. You say you don’t want to put Jasper through the on-and-off-again bullshit. Then don’t. It’s your choice. I’m here and I am willing to try, but I won’t be used. I won’t wait forever, and I won’t go down this road again.”

I looked into his eyes and knew he meant every word. He had just laid down an ultimatum.

“Brock, I—”

He held up his hand. “I have to get to work. You call me when you figure it out.”

I watched as he got into his truck and drove away. I made it to the front porch before I collapsed in one of the chairs and bawled my eyes out. I couldn’t seem to stop making these horrible choices. Brock was a good man. He was good looking, kind, and responsible. He was everything a woman looked for in a man. He was a good dad, too.

Though I had no idea what I was doing, I knew he was right. I had to get my shit together. I was going to end up scarring Jasper for life if I continued this push-and-pull thing with Brock. Jasper needed his father in his life, and I needed to figure out how that relationship was going to work between the three of us before Brock took matters into his own hands.

He had been patient long enough. That lawyer was ready and waiting to spring. Billable hours were billable hours. He would likely be pressuring Brock to go after me for joint custody. I couldn’t choose to be with Brock to avoid a custody battle, but I could choose Brock because I wanted to be with him.

It was truly up to me. I wiped my face and pulled myself together. I needed to go deal with my son. I had to get across the dangers of running away. I was so glad we lived where we did. If we had been in the city and he had gotten this wild, things could have ended up very differently.

“Jasper,” I called as I stepped into the house. “Come in the kitchen. We’re going to talk over some milk and cookies.”

He shuffled into the kitchen, his head hanging low in shame. I hugged him. The fear of never hugging him again had been crippling. I had decided I would hug him a lot more often as soon as I saw him again. I knew it wouldn’t be long before he was shrugging off my hugs. I had to take advantage of every opportunity I could before that day came. I was still bigger than him and would tackle him to the ground to hug him.

“I love you,” I told him.

“I love you too, Mom. I’m sorry I ran away.”

“I know you are, but we need to talk about what you’ll do the next time you’re mad at me. I’m sure it’s going to happen plenty often, and we need to find a better way to handle it.”