CHAPTER 18
Brea
I seriously considered quitting after I decided to work a double. I always had trouble saying no to people, and Rita had begged me when she couldn’t find someone else.
She had tickets to a concert with her boyfriend, and I had said yes because I felt bad for her. I never got a chance to do those things, so I knew how special they could be. The shift wouldn’t be that bad, I had told myself confidently.
It was that bad. My feet hurt and I’d been having some weird cramps today. They were sporadic and it was way too early for Elle to make her appearance, so I just went home and pulled on some pajamas after a shower.
I wanted to sleep, and if Ryan wanted to come over, he had a key. I was exhausted.
Lucy called to check on me and to talk about Ryan’s visit with his parents tonight. He was going to try to work things out with them before the baby came. I’d been nervous for him all day. Maybe that was why my stomach hurt.
“How are you feeling?” Lucy asked as I settled back against the pillows.
“I worked a double today. Do you know how hard that is when you’re in the last trimester of a pregnancy? Why did I say yes?” I asked her as I rubbed my stomach through the cotton shirt.
“Ryan is going to make you quit the second he gets that money. You know that, right?” Lucy teased me. I sighed because I knew she was right.
“I might do it myself, but I think for now I’ll just stop working doubles.” I had a month left and a good night’s sleep would fix everything. I felt another cramp and let out a breath.
“I think I’m having those Braxton Hicks or something.”
“Are you sure?” Lucy asked with concern as I reached for my water. I wondered when we were going to move as I sipped it and felt another cramp.
“Yeah. Pregnancy is full of aches and pains, and she has a month before she’s supposed to move out. Although, earlier wouldn’t be terrible,” I joked as Lucy laughed.
“When can you have her without worrying?” Lucy asked.
“I guess after a couple of weeks or so. She’s growing a lot, but I am going to the doctor every week for a while. They’re going to keep an eye on me.”
I settled into my mattress and craved sleep, but I could talk to Lucy for a little while. I kind of wanted to see Ryan tonight too. I wanted to snuggle with him.
“Ouch. I’ve felt these all day long.”
“How far apart are they?” Lucy asked. I looked at the clock. “Want me to come over?” I stared at the clock. One cramp…two cramps…suddenly it was six in fifteen minutes, and I gasped.
“I just had six in fifteen minutes, Lucy. I’m not ready.” I sat up and felt a panic attack kicking in. “I need to get a bag ready to go.” I stood up, and a sharp pain made me lean on the bed as I felt liquid gush down my thighs. “Lucy, I think that my water just broke.”
“Oh, shit. Shit. I’m coming over and calling Ryan. We’ll get to the hospital just fine.” Lucy tried to sound calm, but I knew she was freaking out too. “Try to get some stuff together. I’ll be there in five minutes.” I dropped the phone and stumbled around the house, throwing things into a backpack.
“Damn it. Why are you doing this, Elle? I’m not ready. I haven’t even bought the big stuff. Where are you going to sleep?” I gave up and dropped the backpack before reaching for an oversized sweatshirt. I found my flip-flops as I started to cry.
I didn’t even know what I needed to bring. It was too early. I stumbled toward the door and heard Lucy calling my name as I opened it. She hugged me and grabbed my purse as she led me by the hand to a cab.
“Shouldn’t I take an ambulance or something? I’m leaking everywhere.” Lucy handed me a towel and kept pulling me to the car as I cried harder. The cabbie gave me a strange look as Lucy took the towel and placed it on the seat.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “She’s not due for a month. This is scaring me.”
Lucy shot me a look as she pushed me into the car. “Brea, women have babies every day. This isn’t the first time doing this. We’re going to make it to the hospital.” She buckled my seat belt and did the same to hers before barking at the driver to get to Mercy General, safely and quickly. I reached for her hand and held on tightly as I prayed for the first time in years. I wasn’t ready for my daughter to be here. I wasn’t ready to be a mom yet. I needed Ryan, a crib, and diapers. I needed everything.
“Lucy, I’m not ready for this.”
“It seems like Elle is. Don’t worry. You don’t need anything right now. We can deal with that later,” Lucy told me as she peered forward. “We’re almost there.”
I looked up as the car stopped in front of the main entrance and Lucy slid out. She tossed the cabbie a bill and pulled me out, calling for help as we walked. Everything moved quickly as a nurse came forward with a wheelchair and eased me into it. I was taken to an elevator and then the third floor where they brought me into a room. I moved to the bed with the help of Lucy and a nurse.
They checked me as I stared at the ceiling, telling me that I was dilated to two centimeters. This was it and they were going to get me set up in here. Lucy helped me change into a gown. They hooked me up to an IV and told me to relax as Lucy sat down and stared at me.
“Is she ready?” I asked. Lucy nodded.
“They said that she might have to stay here for a while after she’s born, but that everything should be fine. This will be fine,” Lucy assured me as we heard someone in the hallway. Ryan walked into the room and raced over to me as he took the seat opposite Lucy.
“What is happening?” he asked as he took my hand. “You’re not working any more doubles. You’re not working at all.” I laughed and took a deep breath.
“I was having cramps all day today, but they weren’t that bad. I came home, and they were stronger and Lucy told me to time them.” I babbled as he looked at me. “I realized that I’d had six in fifteen minutes and they might not be Braxton Hicks like I thought. I told her to come over and then stood up to pack a bag and my water broke.” I gave him a hopeless look, and he leaned in to kiss me.
“She wants out,” he told me as I sniffled. “She wants out and we want to meet her. My dad wants to meet her.” I gasped as Ryan nodded. “Some shit went down tonight and we talked. Things are going to be good again.”
“I’m so glad,” I told him. He smiled brightly. I’d seen the worry in his eyes, and I wanted him to be peaceful again. I wanted to have more than just me and Elle. I wanted her to have a family. They checked on me over the next few hours, and I dilated slowly.
The doctor mentioned Pitocin to get the process moving faster. Ryan quizzed her on everything before we decided to do it since I might be in labor all week otherwise. It would be nice for Elle to keep cooking, but once the water broke that was that. I had to give birth to her. The drug made the contractions ten times worse, and I cried for an epidural as Lucy went to find a nurse. Ryan held my hand as they inserted the needle into my back. I held still as I felt another contraction coming.
I was numb after that and calm. That pain was more pressure and I felt like I could enjoy this experience now. I didn’t even know how I wanted to do this yet since it was so early. I hadn’t done the tour or seen the options. I was just here. Lucy and Ryan stayed with me, of course.
I called my mom, and she cried for me when she found out I was early. I talked to her for a while as Ryan paced the room, calling his dad as Lucy stroked my hair back. In a couple hours, they told me I was at seven centimeters and only had a little while to go.
“I think I waited too long for the Pitocin. Elle is changing her mind,” I told them as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I never got to sleep after my double shift and I was so tired. I dozed off for a little while, dreaming of a baby with dark blond hair and bright blue eyes like Ryan’s. I murmured her name as I looked at her and called out for Ryan as I looked around.
“I’m right here, baby.” I opened my eyes with a start to see him sitting beside me, looking as tired as I felt.
“I dreamed about her. She was so beautiful,” I told him. He kissed my hair. The color had faded after a few weeks, and Ryan had insisted that I do it again since he loved it so much. He told me that he liked the vibrancy of the colors and the way it made me feel free.
We were free. Ryan told me he was going to get the inheritance soon. His dad gave him the information tonight. My bills would be paid off and Ryan could start his company. We could move in together and take Elle with us.
Oh, God. Elle was coming, and we weren’t even living in the same house. We didn’t have a crib or anything yet. I wasn’t ready.
I noticed that Ryan was on the phone a few times but was too nervous about the birth. It was going to be soon and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t prevent it.
I cried when they told me it was time. The room was suddenly full as my doctor stood before me, my feet in stirrups. There were a few nurses around and they were all ready to take Elle to be examined as soon as she was born. There were risks to this, but they all assured me that it would be fine. She wasn’t that early.
Ryan sat beside me, his hand in my hair as I thought about the night I’d wanted. I had wanted to sleep in his arms, too tired to make love. I had just wanted to be with him. I still felt the pressure and knew it was time when they told me. I pushed like they said, hearing Lucy cheering me on from my left while Ryan told me how great I was doing from my right.
I was so glad that the pain was less than before and admired the women who did this the natural way. I thought about my mom for a moment, a few states away. I knew she wanted to be here now. Even if we had planned it around Elle’s due date, she wouldn’t have made it. Life was funny that way, but she’d be here once we were home.
She’d help me.
Would Ryan’s mom help me? He told me she was supposed to be getting some help so she could be a good grandma but that his dad was excited. He would be here tomorrow. I only wanted it to be Lucy and Ryan right now. I pushed when they told me to, and Ryan cried when he told me her head was out. I wanted to see, but I hadn’t thought about the mirror I’d read about somewhere.
“What color is her hair?” I asked. He looked again, clutching my hand.
“I think it’s dark and there’s a lot of it. It’s hard to tell right now,” he said. I nodded and heard them tell me to push again. I did, and someone said that her shoulders were out as I took a deep breath. I was almost done. Lucy and Ryan held my legs in place as I sucked air into my lungs.
This was nothing like I had expected it to be, yet it was everything.
I pushed once more, then twice.
There was a loud cry in the room as I closed my eyes and heard the doctor say it was a girl.
I was a mom. Ryan was a dad.
They took her across the room to examine her as Ryan held my hand and looked across the room at our daughter. Lucy cried as she hugged me and I delivered the placenta with a soft moan. I knew I was going to hurt tonight, and if not, then tomorrow. I knew this was going to be hard. I turned my head to find Ryan’s lips as I realized just how much I loved him.