Chapter 11
Hanna
It had been two days since my failed encounter with Kason, and it was still rattling around in my head. I couldn’t believe he had turned me down after I’d thrown him everything he could’ve ever wanted. I was still secretly fuming. He had sent me a few text messages since that night, wanting to talk about various things, but all I did was ignore him.
He knew my terms, and if he didn’t want to accept them, then there was no deal.
“Hey! You two want to go out for some breakfast?”
Marcus and I looked up from our books and newspapers. When we saw how bright Mom’s face looked, neither of us could turn her down.
“Sure, Mom. Give me a few minutes to change.”
“I’ll be right behind her,” Marcus said.
We ran upstairs to change, and fifteen minutes later we were off to breakfast. Mom had this favorite joint in downtown Seattle that Dad hated. They had the best pancakes and French toast in the entire state, but it was expensive and my dad had always been a frugal person. Mom always told him that if he just went with her, then they would only be paying for two people instead of three, but he always insisted she find another joint, which she never did.
I, personally, thought it was Dad’s way of Mom having this for just her and us. We knew our mother had struggled with empty nest syndrome ever since I’d “flown the coop” and gone off to Stanford. Marcus and I hypothesized that this was Dad’s way of helping Mom cope whenever we were both back in town.
“So! What does it feel like to be home?” Mom asked.
“It’s nice. I told you that Kason hired me on as the website and blog guy for his company, so we’ve been going over designs and color schemes. We’ve almost got it down to where I can start working.”
Mom smiled. “God, Mason, I’m so happy for you.”
“It’s gonna be a really great experience. Kason’s going to let me try out a lot of experimental plug-ins and use their website to showcase what they can do.”
“That’s going to save you a lot of time!” Mom exclaimed.
Marcus smirked. “And give me a living and benefits in the process.”
“God, we’re so lucky to have him in our lives. Hanna, sweetheart, have you made any progress with him on your internship?”
“Yeah, Hanna, has he accepted your offer yet?”
I felt Marcus’s eyes on me, and I knew he wasn’t asking about the internship. Mom wanted to know everything about it, so I started there.
“Well, there was a position he offered me working with the psychologist he employs in their HR department, but the downside to that position is that I wouldn’t actually get interpersonal interaction with anyone. I’d just be a paper pusher.”
My mother sighed. “Sounds absolutely boring.”
“So, he offered me a possible paid internship as his secretary.”
“His secretary?!” my mother squealed. “Oh, wow. You know, that’s how some romances start.”
“Mom, are you fucking kidding me?” Marcus asked.
“Language, big brother,” I mocked.
“I’m just saying, Kason’s a good-looking man who is well established. You two grew up with him, so we obviously trust him. And you’d be around him a great deal! Who knows what could happen when you’re his secretary?” Mom trumpeted.
“You’re not seriously suggesting that Hanna go for my best friend, are you?” Marcus asked without emotion.
“Well, it’s about time that boy settled down! Every time I turn on the television he’s got some new woman on his arm. Flavor of the month time was when he was in his twenties. He’s in his thirties and successful and established. He needs a good woman behind him in order to keep him motivated.”
I smirked. “I agree wholeheartedly, Mother.”
“Hanna, what the fuck?” Marcus asked.
“Language, Son,” Mom scolded.
“And, Marcus, to answer your question, no, he has not agreed to my offer yet.”
“And what offer is that, honey?” my mom asked.
Marcus hook his eyes onto me, and I knew I was finally stuck in a corner, but the lie dripped from my lips easier than I thought it would…and I sort of felt myself hoping it would go in this direction.
“I offered for the paid internship to turn into a full-time job after I graduate,” I said.
“I thought he offered that,” Marcus said.
“Nope. I did. Or at least I led him in that direction. Men like Kason have to think all their ideas are theirs when, really, it was the woman’s idea all along.”
I winked at my brother, and I could see him getting more infuriated by the second.
“Hanna, sweetheart, I think I’ll make a wonderful woman out of you yet,” my mother said.
“She’s already a wonderful woman, Mom! She’s at the top of her class and about to graduate from a prestigious university with a degree in a male-dominated field! What the hell else could you want from your daughter?!”
“Language!” my mother and I said at the same time.
I knew Marcus had no actual proof of what was going on between Kason and me, but it was nice to know my mother would approve if something did happen. I was about to ask her how she felt about me and Kason having a family—just to really mess with my brother—but then my phone rang.
“Hold on…” I sighed. “Hello?”
Stacey was on the other end of the line, and all she was doing was crying. I heard some fumbling on the other end before the line went silent, and when a voice finally spoke again, it was Brad’s.
“Hanna? It’s Brad.”
“Hey, Brad.” I took a deep breath. Marcus and my mother eyed me suspiciously. Before Brad even began talking, I knew exactly what had happened.
“You should probably get to the hospital,” he said weakly. “Stacey could really use her best friend.”
“I’m on my way,” I said.
“Hanna, baby, what’s wrong?” my mom asked.
“So…um…Stacey told me at…at lunch that she and Brad were…uh…”
“Oh, shit,” Marcus whispered.
“Watch your damn mouth,” my mother growled.
“I have to get to the hospital,” I said.
“Sweetheart, please be careful. Let me know when you get there.”
I barreled out of the restaurant and jumped in my car. I raced through yellow lights and gunned it through stop signs to get to the hospital as fast as I could. I threw the car into park and paid the parking attendant for the next few hours. My legs didn’t stop running until I’d finally found the room Stacey was in. Her face was red with grief and guilt, and Brad looked like he had been physically sick. When she saw me, Stacey held her arms out.
“Oh, my god, Stacey,” I said.
“Why does this keep happening to me?” she sobbed.
This was Stacey’s third miscarriage in two years, and my heart broke for my best friend. Brad was staring mindlessly out the window, and I could tell by the way his shoulders shuddered that he was crying. I knew Brad probably hadn’t known until they’d had to make this hospital trip, and I could only imagine how he felt, both being in the dark about her pregnancy and scared for his wife, who had probably done a lot of bleeding before they were admitted.
“He’s gonna hate me,” Stacey said in my ear.
I tried to soothe her. “No one hates you for anything, Stace. I’m right here. No one’s angry at you.”
“Why does this keep happening?” she sobbed.
“Stace, I know you don’t like doctors and invasive procedures, but I think if you want kids, you and Brad need to figure out what’s going on. This isn’t normal. And I’ll be at every appointment if you want me to be.”
“Hanna, now’s not the time,” Brad scolded.
“No, no. No, she’s right.” Stacey sighed. “She’s…she’s right.”
I sat down beside Stacey’s bed, and I could tell Brad had a great deal to say. When Stacey finally fell asleep, I let go of her hand and then took Brad’s arm and led him out into the hallway.
“All right. Your turn,” I said.
“How the hell could she not tell me?!” he whispered harshly.
“Brad, she wanted to save you.”
“From what?! From this? She didn’t tell me and it still happened! I should’ve known, you know. We’ve been through this two other times, and she’d been sick both of those times.”
“She wanted to see if she could get to her second trimester without telling you. She did some research—”
“I’m well aware of the research,” Brad spat. “I do it when I can’t sleep.”
“Which is often, judging by the bags under your eyes.”
He sighed heavily, and I pulled him in for a hug. I had no idea what to do or say to make any of this better for them. My heart just ached. My best friend was losing her children before she could even hold them, and her husband was crumbling at his very foundation from watching his wife struggle.
And here I was, trying to have a family before I’d even dedicated myself to someone.
It didn’t deter me from my original plan, but it did make me scared. What if Kason and I slept together, got pregnant, and then I lost the child? What if he wasn’t willing to sleep with me again? Would I have to try it with another man? Would it drive me into the ground so far that I wouldn’t want to have children?
Could I endure the type of heartbreak my best friend was going through just to have a child of my own?
Stacey started to stir, and I broke the hug. I rushed back to her side and dipped my lips to her ear, because when she woke up crying, I knew she’d be disoriented.
“You’re here in the hospital and you’re safe. Brad and I are here, and whenever you feel like eating something, I can get you something from the cafeteria.”
“My baby…” Stacy whispered.
“It’s just not the time, Stace. You are a wonderful woman and you will be a brilliant mom. When it’s your time, it will happen.”
“Why is this happening to me?”
“It’s just not the right time. You have to keep believing that your time will come, Stace. Don’t give up. Never give up.”
“My heart…h-h-hurts,” she stammered.
“I know. Oh, god, I know.”
I wrapped my arms around her and scooted into bed next to her. Part of me wanted to tell her everything about Kason. There had been so much that had traversed, both with us and with the internship, and I wanted to tell my best friend all about it. I wanted to tell her that I knew he was the one who would father my child and all I had to do was get him to agree. I wanted to tell her how much my middle school crush now wanted me and my body, and I wanted to squeal with her when I told her that I’d felt his thick dick pressed against my leg. I wanted to tell my best friend all these things, but I knew the moment I brought it up, she’d think I was trying to override her situation with my own petty problems.
And right now, this needed to be all about her.
I spent the day with Stacey in the hospital, and then the doctor discharged her. I helped her into the car and followed them home, where I helped Brad get her situated in bed. The doctor had told her to keep her pads on until the blood flow stopped and had given her pain medications just in case the cramps became too much.
But all she did was cry, and all I did was sit by her bed and dry her tears with tissues while I held her hand.
I felt absolutely terrible for Stacey. I felt guilty that I was clamoring for a family without a man by my side while she had completely dedicated her life to a man who wanted a family with her. I felt guilty for throwing my petty issues of not having someone to impregnate me in her face while she was simply struggling to hold on to the life her body wanted so desperately to create. I felt guilty for still wanting to talk to her about everything between me and Kason despite what she was going through. I felt complete and utter sadness for my best friend as the idea that she might not get her dream crossed my mind.
When we’d been in high school, all she had talked about was marrying Brad and having children. We’d all gone to high school together and they’d been high school sweethearts, so when they graduated and got married, none of us had been shocked. I’d been so happy she was getting her dream—her happily ever after—and all I’d wanted was to have the same. My happily ever after was having a child on my terms, who loved me for all my imperfections and who I could run around with happily. Someone I could provide for, someone I could raise while I was still at the prime of my life. Someone I could watch grow, and love.
Someone who’s grandchildren I could be alive to run around with, too.
Having a child young would give that to me. Everyone thought my ovaries were practically guiding my decisions, but that wasn’t the case. I didn’t want to be in my sixties before my child graduated college. I didn’t want to be popping pills just to keep myself upright so I could watch my child blossom into the adult I knew they could be. When I started dreaming about it—dreaming about hold my first child in my arms while my skin was still supple and smooth-- I talked to Stacey about what I wanted: a family. I didn’t have time to build a relationship, and that was fine with me. The last thing I needed was someone who felt they could influence my decisions anyway.
The last thing I would ever be was a pushover, and men never liked that in their stay-at-home mothers.
Hell, in my society, they didn’t even like older mothers, much less opinionated stay-at-home mothers.
But now I was sitting here holding my best friend’s hand while she went through the emotions of a miscarriage for the third time, and it frightened me. It scared me that my best friend might not get the dream she had wanted even when she was in high school, and it scared me that I might not be able to talk about my journey with Kason with her any longer.
But really, it scared me that I might end up like her. That I had finally found a way to bring into the world the one thing I wanted most out of my life, and that it would somehow be ripped from me by happenstance. It scared me that, no matter how healthy I kept myself and no matter how young I had this child, the world would continuously rip that away from me.
Just like it was doing with Stacey. So, I did the only thing I knew I could do in that very moment.
I cried alongside her for the rest of the afternoon.