CHAPTER 14
Leila
I breathed in Lance’s name as I slumped against him. As hurt as I was that he didn’t call me for so long, I needed him. I wanted him more than I cared to admit, and I slid my hands down his back to find his bare skin as he pulled away roughly.
Lance blinked at me before he turned to grab two bottles of water from the fridge. I sat up and fixed my dress before I slipped down to the floor, feeling the discomfort in the air.
“Are you okay?” I asked him as Lance glanced at the clock. “Lance?”
“It’s later than I thought, Leila. I have to get back to work soon. Can I see you later this week?” He was so tense, and I knelt to get my underwear and slide them on as I wondered what happened. I was so new to this and I walked outside to the car and grabbed my purse. I was in too much of a hurry to grab anything when we left. I pouted and got a car from Uber as I stood outside, needing space. There was something wrong with Lance and I didn’t know what it was. I knew that we wanted each other and needed each other physically, but there was something going on underneath the surface.
I got into the car and sat silently as we drove back to the restaurant. I felt torn inside as I tried to work through what was going on with me, with Lance, with us. I knew that it was new and based on lust for now, but it felt real to me. It felt like we had a future to me.
I got out of the car and into my own, locking the doors before I started the engine. I shivered as I played back the night and the abrupt way that he withdrew from me. I pulled out of the parking lot and drove to my apartment slowly, all too aware of the quiet of my phone. Lance wasn’t calling me and while I didn’t know him well enough to understand if that was a bad sign, I felt like it was.
I went inside of my apartment and longed to reverse the night to the part where I agreed to meet Lance in the first place. I was better off being home and feeling hurt by the fact that he hadn’t called me. It beat the hell out of feeling cheap and used. I dropped to the couch and sighed, trying to cleanse my mind of everything that happened.
I sold him the house. I had no reason to see Lance ever again and I needed to stick to that. I was getting the generous commission soon and I could just put it in the bank and consider it a good job done. I reminded myself to never get involved with a client again as I turned on the TV and found something mindless to lose myself in.
I woke up when my phone chimed and blinked at the darkness around me. I must have napped for a couple house based on the signs of dusk outside of my window and I blinked before I reached for my purse on the table. I swiped my screen to see a message from Lance, taking a deep breath as I opened it.
L: I’m sorry I was an asshole earlier. You didn’t have to leave like that.
Me: I sensed that you didn’t want me there any longer and thought it was best.
L: Can I take you to dinner this week to make up for it?
I took a few deep breaths at that question. I knew that I should just leave it be and walk away from Lance. He was dangerous for me and I was getting too drawn in. I needed to focus on my future and make my life what I wanted it to be before including anyone else in it. After everything back home, that was critical.
Me: Don’t worry about it, Lance. I’m fine.
L: So, that’s a no to dinner or seeing me in general?
Me: I need some space. I wasn’t ready to jump into anything like this yet and I think I’m better off focusing on work for the time being.
There. I said it and it was done. He could go on to do whatever it was that he chose to do, and I could build my business. That was how it was meant to be when I moved here. I set the phone down, hating that I was waiting for a response. There was a large part of me that wanted him to argue with me and ask me not to do this. I pushed myself off the couch and went to make some tea, wanting to wake up a bit and get some work done on my laptop.
I made some matcha tea and settled down at my dining room table, turning on some music on my phone to distract myself from the silence in my apartment. It never bothered me before, but I turned up the volume to one of my play lists and sand along as I prepared for the week ahead of me. I still didn’t know if Lynn liked any of the houses that we looked at enough to put an offer on one and I had some other clients to meet this week. I worked at a great off with a solid reputation and they were helping me a lot.
I got some emails out about making future trips to look at houses and clicked on Facebook to take one of my peeks at it. I barely had a profile there and had gone very private after the break up, but I did keep up with a few friends. I looked at all Viv’s pictures and made some comments before I moved on to other Carlsbad friends that I didn’t lose in the break up or move. It was amazing how many people supported the one that did everything wrong sometimes, but that didn’t matter to me anymore. I was here now and working on a better life.
I tried to watch a movie when I was done working but I couldn’t focus on it. I sent Viv a text and asked her if she could talk, smiling lightly when she called me right away. I told her about the day with Lance and even she knocked him down a peg from her praise the last time we spoke. Viv quizzed me on everything to see what happened and I told her the details. Viv was the one person that I could be honest with and we picked apart the date together.
Viv agreed that she could find nothing strange to cause his reaction, at least nothing that I did. I acknowledged that I didn’t know him well to begin with, so anything could be going on with Lance and he just didn’t want to talk about it. Some guys used sex to deal with things and perhaps that was Lance. She wasn’t sure about my firm denial about seeing him again but accepted that it was my choice. She felt particularly bad about everything in Carlsbad since she didn’t know what was going on. Had Viv known about the cheating, she would have told me, but everyone kept it hidden from both of us.
“I miss you. Maybe I should come and visit next weekend,” Viv suggested as I smiled with tears in my eyes. I missed her more than anything and needed to see her.
“I’d love that. I might have some clients but that doesn’t take long all the time. I’d have some time with you.” I told her as she told me that she’d make some arrangements. I hung up feeling a lot better and locked up to go read in bed. Viv always made everything better and it was the hardest thing in the world to move away from her and my mom. I propped up some pillows and finished my tea as I read something on my Kindle, trying not to think about Lance.
There were more guys out there. This was LA and there were so many people that I still had to meet to form my tribe here. There was a whole life to build, but it already felt empty without Lance in it.