Chapter 34

Christopher

 

I was staring out into the ocean, my mind completely blank. It had been days since I’d even thought about talking with Jessi. And part of me still didn’t want to. I didn’t want to talk to her or Justin or anyone else in her family. How many of them knew? How many of them had kept that secret from me? We weren’t talking about Jessi stealing a pair of my shoes as a teenager or something. We were talking about hiding the fact that I had a son for the past month and a half.

Six fucking weeks!

I needed to talk with her, though. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to even look at her. But I needed to. I had a son, and no matter how upset I was with his mother, that didn’t excuse the fact that I was still absent. That I had known he was mine for an entire week and still hadn’t come back around.

I couldn’t change the past, but I could control the present.

Pulling out my phone, I dialed Jessi’s number. The sun was hot on my body as I sighed and closed my eyes. Every time the phone rang, I grew more and more upset. Was she going to start ignoring me again like she had all that week? Was this how she was going to react with things now? Just not pick up my calls when the life of my son hung in the balance?

“Hello?”

I furrowed my brow at the sound of her voice. There was a breathiness to it and I could hear her panting a little. Was she okay? Had something happened? She sounded like she was tired.

Was something with Caleb keeping her up.

“Hey, Jessi. It’s me,” I said.

“Chris. Hey. Um—I’ve been trying to call you.”

“I know. Listen, we need to talk. Could we meet somewhere and talk?” I asked.

“Of course. Anywhere you want. Do you want to come here?”

“That’s fine with me. Could I head over there now?” I asked.

“Sure. Yeah. Come on over. It’ll just be—um—I mean, Caleb and I are just—”

“I’ll see you in a few.”

“Okay. Yeah. See you in a few.”

Jessi was flustered, and I’d never heard her flustered before. I cut the call and went inside, deciding a change of clothes was necessary. I didn’t feel the need to put in the effort to see Jessi like I had been doing, but I wanted to present myself well for my son. I wanted to be a part of his life no matter what that looked like, and I wanted to start setting an example for him. I wanted him to know what a real man looked like. What a real man stepping up to the plate looked like. I didn’t want him to feel as if he had been abandoned by some deadbeat dad.

I was going to do everything in my power to be the dad I wished I would have had in my own life.

I hopped into my car and drove across town. I wasn’t sure how things would go between Jessi and I, but I was glad we were both going to sit down and talk. Now that my anger was out of the way and I could think about them without losing my mind, I knew I was ready to address all of this. The bomb Jessi had dropped into my lap after the night we had spent together.

All of those nights, not once did she tell me.

Fuck. My anger was bubbling again.

I pulled into her apartment complex and parked my car. I had to take a few deep breaths before the shaking in my hands stopped. I couldn’t approach this situation upset. I couldn’t go in there and be angry. Caleb didn’t need to see that. He didn’t need to be a part of anymore drama surrounding this situation. I needed to be able to control myself.

I needed to set an example.

Quickly, I got out of the car and walked up the steps. I knocked on the door and waited. I knew it was probably unlocked so I could stroll on in, but I didn’t want to do that. I wasn’t here for an informal visit.

The door opened and Jessi was standing there in nothing but her robe. I tried to keep my eyes locked onto her face instead of allowing my dick to think for me. Her curves were draped in the silken fabric and they called to my fingertips. I could feel the tension growing between us as our chemistry flourished.

I guess that would never really go away.

“Come on in. Caleb’s just eating a snack,” she said.

Stepping into the kitchen, I saw Caleb in his high chair. He was covered in what looked like avocado and bananas. He looked up at me with his bright blue eyes and smiled from ear to ear. He started slapping the tabletop of his highchair, splattering food all over the place.

My son.

My son was happy to see me.

“Would you like some coffee?” Jessi asked.

“Yeah. Sure. That sounds good,” I said.

“You can sit anywhere you want,” she said. “Just—make yourself comfortable.”

I sat down in the kitchen chair beside Caleb. I looked into his giggling face as he held out his hand for me. I made it look like I was taking a bite of food from his fingers and he laughed at me, then opened his mouth wide and shoved his fingers in. He was trying to blow spit bubbles and eat at the same time and it drew a smile across my face.

What a shame that I’d missed so much of his first year of life.

“I’m not sorry for being upset with you,” I said.

Jessi set a mug of coffee down in front of me before she sat on the other side of the table.

“You had every right to be upset.”

“I had a feeling he was mine, you know. He looks just like me.”

“Roxy’s comment didn’t help matters, either,” she said.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“If we’re being totally honest, I was hoping to hide him a bit longer.”

“Hide him? Why?”

“Think about it, Chris. So many people have been forcing me to look at this from your point of view—”

“So other people know?” he asked.

“Only Justin and Megan. No one else knows. I haven’t told my parents.”

“Doesn’t shock me,” I said.

“My father almost died of a heart attack. I’m not ready to swing him into another one.”

“Do you really think he wouldn’t like this?”

“After you took off the way you did? No. Not one bit,” I said.

“I’m sorry for taking off. But I had my reasons. Really good ones, actually. And I never stopped thinking about you. Not once. I was never with another woman after I left. I couldn’t stand it. None of them amounted to half of the woman you were to me. The woman you are to me.”

Jessi’s eyes danced as I leaned back into her kitchen chair.

“Not even a one-night stand,” I said. “I always wanted you. Only you.”

“Why did you leave, Chris?” Jessi asked. “Why did you leave us? I wasn’t the only one you hurt, you know. Justin was—inconsolable some days.”

“I had my reasons.”

“Tell me those reasons.”

“I’m not ready to do that.”

“Like I wasn’t ready to tell you about Caleb?” she asked.

“That’s different,” I said.

“How is that different?”

“Because Caleb is my son.”

“And I was supposedly the love of your life,” she said. “Don’t you get it? Everyone wants me to see this from your point of view, but no one wants to look at mine. I’m a strong woman. I can take a lot. But this? Chris, you were in town for two weeks before we accidentally ran into one another at a job. Had that not happened, would you have actually tried to find me? Because I’m not sure you would have. Even though you said you would have reached out—eventually.”

“Jessi, this is—”

“The only past I have of you is you making me fall in love with you before you left,” she said. “And I have a son now. A beautiful son who I need to protect.”

“You don’t need to protect him from me. I’m here, and I want to be a part of his life,” I said.

“But can’t you see I don’t know that? The only version of you I know is the version of you that leaves. In the night. Without a trace. And if this was just me, I’d risk it. I’d try it again knowing full good and well you’re capable of disappearing. But like you said, Caleb is different.”

I wanted to fight her on this, but I knew I couldn’t. We both had reasons to be upset at the situation and hers were no less valid than mine.

“I’m not sure where to go from here, Jessi. With us,” I said.

“Then don’t think about us. Think about Caleb,” she said.

“I want to be in Caleb’s life. I want to be a part of it.”

“That’s good. Then we’ll work it out.”

“But I’m not done being angry at you.”

“Don’t worry. I’m not done, either,” she said.

Caleb yawning caught my attention as his head began to bob at his high chair. Jessi stood up from her untouched coffee and reached for a package of baby wipes. She scrubbed him down and wiped up his high chair tray, then picked him up in her arms.

I was watching the mother of my child hold my son in her arms.

“I need to put him down for a nap,” she said.

“Can I come with you?” I asked.

She nodded and I shot up from my chair. I followed them back into Caleb’s nursery and I reached my arms out for him. Jessi looked at me warily before she handed my sleeping son to me, and I cradled him in my arms as I stood by his crib.

He was sleeping soundly, his body curling into my chest as I held him close.

I was a father.

I couldn’t believe I was a father.

“We should figure out a schedule for when I can come over,” I said.

“That’s fine. We can sit at the kitchen table and pound one out,” Jessi said.

“Do I just—lay him down?” I asked.

“On his back. He’ll move to however he’s comfortable.”

I lowered him slowly into his crib and watched him rustle around. I was entranced by the small boy. He flailed around and rolled over onto his stomach, his hand reaching for his blanket. He clutched it tightly and pulled it up to his cheek, rubbing his skin with it over and over. His eyes opened momentarily and found mine again, and a lazy smile crossed his cheeks.

“I love you,” I said with a whisper.

Then he closed his eyes and I watched his breathing even out.

I looked around the nursery and didn’t see Jessi anywhere. I walked out of the room and closed his door, then went in search of her. She was sitting at the kitchen table drinking her coffee and I could see her eyes glistening.

She was crying. Silently.

It looked like she had perfected the art.

I cleared my throat and she quickly wiped at her face. She coughed as I entered the kitchen and shot me the fakest smile I’d ever seen. Her cheeks were stained red, her eyes were puffy, and she looked like she hadn’t slept in days.

Sitting back down at my coffee, I drew a deep breath in through my nose.

“How does a schedule like this work?”

“I’m not sure,” Jessi said.

“When do you usually need help the most?” I asked.

“At night.”

“Then we’ll start there. What if I come over after work every day and help around here? I could feed Caleb, help with bath time. Help put him down for bed.”

“That sounds nice. Yeah,” she said.

“What about weekends?”

“You can come over whenever you want, Chris.”

“I don’t want to impede on your life, Jessi.”

“You knocked me up, Chris. Impeding is the last of my worries,” she said.

“Has Caleb been giving you a hard time at night?”

“Why do you ask?”

“You don’t look like you’ve been getting much sleep.”

“Sorry I don’t look put together like my Instagram account portrays,” I said.

“I didn’t come here to fight with you, Jessi.”

“Then why did you come?” she asked. “You say it was to talk, but the one question I want an answer to, you refuse to give me. You’re angry because I hid Caleb from you, but I’m not allowed to be angry that you’re hiding why you left from me? Do you even see the double-standard in that?”

She threw back the rest of her coffee as her nostrils flared. Fuck, when this woman wanted to piss me off she knew how to do it. She slammed up out of her chair and tossed her mug into the sink.

So hard, in fact, that it broke.

“Is this a test, Jessi? Because I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do here.”

“I’m not testing you, Chris. I don’t have enough time in my life for that. You can come over and be with your son whenever you want to be with him. Just tell me when you’re headed over and I’ll unlock the door for you,” she said.

“Fine. So who’s cleaning up the broken glass in the sink?” I asked.

“Leave it. I’ll get it eventually.”

“Like you were going to tell me about Caleb, eventually?”

“Like you were going to call me, eventually?” she asked.

“How the hell was I supposed to know I had gotten you pregnant?” I asked, as I stood up.

“I don’t know. Try sticking around long enough to find out next time,” she said.

“What are you really upset about, Jessi? Huh? What is this anger really about?” I asked.

I backed her into the kitchen wall as her eyes widened. I was done with this fight. I was done going in circles. We could forgive each other and get to the root of this, or we could agree to disagree and co-parent like adults. If we needed a lawyer to bang this out, I could find us one.

But either way, this anger had to go.

For Caleb’s sake.

“What are you so angry about?” I asked.

Her eyes danced between mine as my hand rose to her jaw. I wrapped her face within my fingertips, steadying her gaze onto me. I felt her magnetic pull taking control again. I saw that fire rising in her eyes. Her nostrils were flaring again with her anger and I could feel her hands gripping the hem of my shirt.

“I’m not angry,” Jessi said.

I felt her soft fingertips caressing my hips as I stroked my thumb over her lip.

“I’m scared,” she said with a whisper.