Chapter 23

Jessi

It had been a week since I’d talked to Christopher and I hoped it hurt. I hoped he was wallowing in his own self-pity somewhere wondering why the hell I wasn’t returning his calls. I hoped he was crying himself to sleep at night and wondering what he did wrong, and finally getting a small taste of what he put me through a year and a half ago.

But then again, I was getting it too.

Every time I saw a call come through from him, a part of me wanted to pick it up. A large part of me, in fact. And I wasn’t deleting his voice messages. Nope. Instead, I was replaying them over and over and putting myself through the same fucking torture I went through after he left. I laid in bed at night wondering how he was. The angry part of me hoped he was suffering while the soft part of me wondered if he was okay.

If he was okay.

Like I was the one doing something wrong.

This wasn’t at all how I’d seen this going down. I saw this being the pinnacle of my closure. The epitome of my revenge on him. Get him close like he did me then shove him away for the rest of my life. He’d get a taste of everything I had to wade through and then he could watch me rise to the top of the modeling industry. He could drool over me like all the other men did whenever I posted pictures on my social media accounts.

He was supposed to be another one of the masses.

He wasn’t supposed to be special.

But it was having the opposite effect on me. My heart hurt. I ached to return his calls and my vision got blurry whenever he left me another voice message. I found him in my dreams, holding me on the couch and looking down at Caleb and smiling. I could feel his hands between my legs whenever I masturbated to his memory. Every time I closed my eyes I could see him. Hear him. Feel him. Even smell him.

He had lingered in my apartment long after he was gone.

I wasn’t expecting to be so upset about this. I hadn’t prepared myself for how much this would hurt me again. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not this way, and not this time. He was the one that was supposed to be in pain. Not me. I’d experienced enough pain because of that asshole. I’d gone through enough because of my choice to let him in.

I was supposed to be the one to break his heart.

And yet, my heart felt like it was breaking, too.

It was impossible. I didn’t have a heart for him to break. To break someone’s heart, you had to love them. And I wasn’t in love with Chris. Right? Megan couldn’t possibly be right on this one. I couldn’t have feelings for the man. He had ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I was stronger than that. I was a symbol for all the women out there who’d had their hearts stomped on by men who didn’t deserve them. They looked up to me to show them they too could be a single, independent mother and never give another look to the man who broke their hearts.

What message would I be sending them if I inadvertently fell back in love with the asshole I was telling them to walk away from?

My phone rang again with another call from him and I ignored it. My hand was trembling and my heart was slamming against my chest, but I couldn’t cave now. I couldn’t pick up the phone. I had to stay strong. I had to do this for myself. That man had no idea what he put me through and I had to make sure he understood. If he understood the pain, then he wouldn’t do it to another woman. If he understood the agony I experienced when he left, then he’d second-guess himself before ever doing it to another woman again.

I was saving women around the world.

Right?

I looked down at my phone as it lit up with another voice message. My finger hovered over the call button, trembling as a tear stained my cheek. It shouldn’t hurt this bad. Something had faltered in my plan. He had done something, I was sure of it.

I needed to talk to him to figure out what it was.

“Jessi? Holy shit, finally. Where the hell have you been?”

“Busy,” I said. “Could we get together and talk?”

“Yes. Yes, of course. I have so much to tell you. When are you free?” Chris asked.

“What about for lunch? I could get the nanny to watch Caleb and we could get together for drinks or something.”

“Sure, that’s fine. But if you can’t get your nanny to come in, bring him with you. We’ll forego drinks for something else.”

I felt my heart flutter in my chest and I tried to ignore the tugging sensation in my gut.

“All right. Um—let me give her a call and I’ll text you.”

“I’ll be ready and waiting,” he said.

An hour later, I was passing off Caleb to his nanny and going to meet Chris. And man, did he look hot. I shook my head as visions of his body against mine danced behind my eyes. I wasn’t here to screw him. I wasn’t here to fulfill some short-fused desire.

I was here to talk with him.

I was here to figure out what the hell went wrong in my plan.

He took me into his arms in a massive hug and I had to catch myself. I could feel my body wanting to melt into him and I couldn’t let that happen. My hands fell onto his back and I slid my hands down his muscles, choking back my own groan at the strength that coursed through his body.

“So? What’s this good news you have for me?” I asked.

“You’re looking at the new choreographer for Hollywood’s latest reality television dance competition.”

“You’re kidding,” I said.

“I’m not. I signed the contract and sent it in a couple of days ago.”

“Chris, that’s huge. Congratulations.”

“What jobs have been keeping you busy?”

“Hmm?”

“Your jobs. I’m assuming that’s why you haven’t been available to hook up until now,” he said.

“Um—they’re—going well,” I said. “Sometimes being a mom gets in the way of things, too.”

“Everything okay with Caleb?” he asked.

“Oh yeah. He’s fine. Just a growing boy with growing pains.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

The hairs on the back of my neck rose at his question, and I swallowed hard to try and choke down the heat rising up my spine.

“Nah. He’s good. We’re good. Everything’s good.”

“Good,” Chris said. “You look good.”

“Can we find another word other than good?”

“Okay. You look—breathtaking?” he asked.

As I felt myself blush at his words, I mentally kicked myself for it. What the fuck was going on? Why the hell was my body acting this way?

“You know, the walk here isn’t actually that long,” I said.

“You walked here?” he asked. “Your apartment’s, like—ten minutes away from here.”

“Sure, in a car. But it’s only a four mile walk.”

“But you walked here?” he asked. “In the heels you’re wearing?”

“I can’t look fabulous walking for four miles in heels?”

“Did something happen to your car?”

“No. Just wanted some fresh air. You should try it sometime.”

“I get plenty of fresh air at my office. I throw open my window.”

“You have an office?” I asked.

“I’ve been renting a space downtown for the past few weeks, yeah.”

“What do choreographers need with an office?”

“You know we do more than dance, right? We take emails, phone calls, sit down with clients—”

“Ha, ha, ha. Asshole. I get your point,” I said.

“You’re not walking back home.”

“It’s not that bad of a walk. I just told you that,” I said.

“Not in those heels and not with those clouds rolling in. A storm will unleash on you and you’ll turn up looking like a wet dog.”

“Really? A wet dog?”

“Better than a wet rhino. Those things get pissed.”

“You figure that out in your rented office?” I asked.

“Watching a YouTube video, yes.”

I smiled at the sentiment as a giggle fell from my lips. Fuck. I was in so much trouble. Chris smiled back at me and it warmed my gut, and I knew then and there I was a goner. Megan was right. I still had feelings for Chris.

Shit.

The two of us finished out our lunch and he walked me to his car. It didn’t take us long to get home, but he was right. The moment we got to my door the storm unleashed with wind and rain and a bone-chilling drop in the temperature. I opened the door and quickly led us inside, hesitant to let Chris drive home in the torrential downpour that was making it hard to see past the stairs of my complex.

“You can wait the storm out here, if you want,” I said.

“That the nanny?” Chris asked.

I spun around and saw her coming into the kitchen with a very tired Caleb.

“Struggling to go down for his nap?” I asked.

“I think he’s teething. I got him to sleep for a little bit, but he woke right back up once I tried to put him down,” she said.

“Come here. It’s okay, buddy. Momma’s got something to help with those little teefers.”

“Teefers?” Chris asked. “That’s—incredibly endearing.”

“Chris, this is Marcia, my nanny. Marcia, this is Chris.”

“The guy you keep going to meet. Yes. It’s very nice to meet you,” she said.

“Likewise,” Chris said. “Thank you for watching Caleb so Jessi and I can get together.”

“You can get out of here if you want to Marcia. Or you can ride the storm out here with us. Either way is fine,” I said.

“I’m actually going to brave the storm and get home. I’ve got a movie recorded I wanna watch while the rain’s still coming down.”

“Then be careful,” Chris said. “And call Jessi if you get stuck. I can come get you.”

“That’s very kind of you. I’ll keep it in mind,” Marcia said.

I bounced a very tired Caleb in my arms as she walked out the door, then Chris shut it behind her.

“Let me go try to put Caleb down again and then we can talk some more, if you’d like,” I said.

“Actually, I’m not going to stay long,” he said.

“Why not?” I asked.

“I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow with this new gig I took. It’s the big time, which means very long days for me for a while.”

“I can understand that,” I said.

“I could call you after work, though. Maybe come over after Caleb falls asleep or something?”

“Maybe, sure. Yeah, we’ll just have to see. I mean, if he’s teething and if he doesn’t sleep, it won’t be a fun time until the tooth breaks through.”

“I could help. You know, provide moral support or something,” he said.

I grinned and shook my head as Caleb snuggled into the crook of my neck.

“We’ll see when you call,” I said.

“Okay. Just make sure to pick up this time. Don’t make me call for another week.”

“Didn’t like that, did you?”

“Not one bit. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

I watched him walk out the door and I should have reveled in the victory. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like his calls being ignored. He admitted it. It had hurt him. And still, it didn’t seem satisfying. Instead, I watched him run to his car in the pouring rain with more questions rattling around in my head than answers. I had called him up to try and figure things out, and he was leaving without giving me any answers.

I felt more lost than I had to begin with, and to top it all off, I didn’t want him to leave.

It hurt me to watch him pull out of the parking lot and drive off into the rain.