"No. No. No." I dropped my paintbrush in the muddy colored water that floated around my favorite coffee mug. The picture before me was off. "More like it looks like shit. Why do I even try?"

I glanced at the clock next to my easel and let out a squeak. I was going to be late. Dammit.

Racing around the apartment, I got dressed in a button up white shirt and pair of black slacks. After pulling my long hair into a ponytail, I brushed my teeth and raced toward the door. My beat-up Toyota was going to have to behave, or I'd really be late to the restaurant.

I turned the music up in the car and tried to get my thoughts off my failing dreams and hopes. I'd never be an artist. I couldn't get the shading right or the contours perfect. I needed training, but good luck with that shit.

My family was all sorts of poor. Middle class was the proper term, but in was a wide net that caught too many people. My family was on the shallow end of the wealth pool, but it was fine. We didn't need money. We had each other.

I pulled up to the restaurant and tripped getting out of the car. The concrete below was less than pliable.

"Fuck." I got up and dusted my knees off as tears welled up in my eyes. "It would be so fantastic if just one damn thing would go right today."

"Just today?" Ellen, a friend from the restaurant and about the only girl I could tolerate at the Blackhouse Grille. "Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it."

I glanced down at my palms, which were torn up and bloody. "Every day. Let me update that wish to cover every day."

"It's going to get better." She shut the door to the car and rubbed my upper back as we walked toward the door at the back of the restaurant. "You're in a new place and don't know a soul. It's a weird place to be, but if it's any consolation at all, we're all pretty in awe of you."

"Why is that?" I opened the door and smiled. My brother said, 'why is that' all the fucking time like he couldn't think of anything else to say. He rubbed off on all of us who got a few minutes in the warmth of his personality. Especially me. A sadness I thought I'd gotten overran through the center of my chest. I missed Rhys, but it was time to grow up. I wasn't in the Air Force, and he was. I needed to start my own life off the base and stop taking up all of his time. I was his little sister, and if he ever planned to get married or date anyone for real, I needed to get out of his way.

So I moved. Far, far away. And regretted the shit out of it now that I was alone in a new city.

"I don't know." Ellen shrugged. "It just seems like a really big thing. You moved away from your family and the comfort of the things you knew to start over." She bumped her shoulder against mine. "You put yourself in this crazy-ass situation, and you're doing really good. Look at how well you've turned the restaurant around."

I nodded. I had done some good at the restaurant. Before overhauling the menu and cleaning up the look of the place, I'd had a long, stern talk with every employee - one on one. It was a big job, but somehow I'd pulled it off. A spark of hope swelled in the pit of my stomach. Maybe Ellen was right. Maybe I was in the right place.

Now to find love. Someone who could hold me at night and spend my off days helping me figure out where I wanted to go with my artistic talents and such. That was a pipe dream I often tried to squash back down. It hurt too much to think it might never happen.

"Well, thanks. I appreciate that." I walked into the kitchen and nodded at a few of the chef's before making my way to my office. Ellen followed closely behind me.

"Okay, so how was the weekend? Did you go out like I suggested?"

I snorted. "No. I don't have anyone to go out with."

"Then we'll do something together this coming weekend."

"No." I sat down at my desk and pulled out a long list of things I had to get done before clocking back out. The owner had started to rely on me maybe a little too much. "I really don't have time for anything right now."

"Well, I'm making time." She turned and hopped up on my desk, crossing her legs and looking too cute for her own good. "Speaking of... can I get off just a little early tonight if things are slow around here?"

"Sure." I tried not to ask, but I couldn't help myself. "Why? You got something going on?" What I wouldn't have given for me to be the one with something going on. Hell, anything.

"I'm going to meet up with this new guy I met online." She shrugged and smiled so hard it had to have hurt her face.

"And you don't know anything about him?" I turned and gave her my full attention. "Cause not everything you see or read online is true."

"I know, but I'm willing to take a few risks." She glanced toward the door and back at me. "We're going to a really populated place. Like tons of people around."

"Why are you blushing?" I lifted an eyebrow and hated myself for asking. The deeper I dug, the more she would talk. I enjoyed her more than most people at the restaurant, but I wasn't looking for a girl-pal. I liked my alone time. It gave me the chance to push myself a little more with my painting.

"Well." She glanced back at the door and then to me. "Don't say anything to anyone. You promise?"

"Who the fuck do I talk to?" I chuckled and leaned back in my chair, wishing I had something blush-worthy to share.

"Last night we sort of, um..." She glanced down at her hands. "We masturbated online."

"What?" I stiffened. The thought of masturbating in front of anyone was rather terrifying and yet, insanely hot. "Like with your computer camera on?"

She looked up and nodded. "It was so hot. It was hard to come, but I eventually got there."

I swallowed hard. I'd heard a few of Ellen's sexual exploits since coming to the restaurant, but nothing like this. "Was he... hot?"

"Oh yeah." She smiled. "And his dick was huge."

I shook my head. "Okay. TMI. Get out. I have shit to do. You need to be careful tonight. It's scary out there."

"Yeah." She got off the desk and laughed. "Be careful of baseball bat sized cocks."

"Out!" I turned to my paperwork and ignored how badly I was panting. "And close the door on your way you."

"Okay. Let me off early!" She laughed and closed the door behind her.

I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes. I'd been in a few pathetic relationships over the last few years, but nothing like I read in my romance novels. I wanted a man to turn me on, to wake me up, to sweep me off my feet.

"No. To fuck me senseless." I grabbed a pen and tried to ignore the deep thumping desire that had my pussy contracting and my nipples tightening. Masturbating with someone online? Could I ever do that?

"Not a chance in hell." I took a shaky breath and worked on orders until the dinner rush hit. Then I was off my ass, running around the restaurant, helping in any and every way that I could. The evening slowed a little, and Ellen gave me a puppy dog expression.

"Can I go? Please?" She bounced on her feet and smiled.

I laughed. "Yeah. Just have a good time for both of us, hm?"

"You could come with us. You know I'm good with sharing." She wagged her eyebrows. "And let me tell you, there's plenty of inches to share."

"Oh God. Get out of here." I shooed her away and walked to the back of the restaurant. The other night manager, Tanner glanced up from the desk and smiled.

"Get out of here. You're on early shift."

"No. I'm good." I leaned against the frame of the door and studied him. His thin shoulders and lanky body didn't do anything for me, but I never could get the kind of guy that really turned me on. They didn't seem to notice me.

Guys like Jeremy Bennett. My brother, Rhys's best friend from high school. The guy was a God. Even back then. The last time I'd seen him was when I was still a kid, but he wasn't lanky or small at all. His baseball pants were always so tight, and I could make out the outline of his dick perfectly. Every part of me was turned on by him, even now. Years later and I still wished I were old enough to make him take notice of me back then.

"Hey. I'm serious. Get out of here, beautiful. Enjoy your night." Tanner smiled.

He was sweet and kind, but that's about all.

"Okay. Yeah. Thanks." I grabbed my keys and walked out the back door. The icy cold air of autumn whipped around me. It would be winter soon, and though I knew how to drive in the snow, I hated it all the same.

The ride home was dull and lonely. I kept thinking about how much fun Ellen had to be having. She'd have dinner and drinks with Mr. Monster Cock and then end up pressed against a wall, getting her wildest fantasies taken care of. I imagined all of mine as I made my way back to the apartment.

By the time I got there, my body was on fire. It had been forever since I let myself even think about lusty things. It never worked really well for me. I'd want and want and want, and that's where it stopped. It never moved into having, getting, fulfilling.

"Fuck this life." I walked into my apartment and closed the door behind me. After dropping my purse and kicking off my shoes, I walked to the kitchen and leaned over, pressing my forearms to the counter. I wanted someone to greet me when I walked in, and not a normal greeting. An aggressive, get on your knees and suck every inch of this monster cock greeting. He'd work himself deep into my throat before taking me right there on the floor.

In my mouth. My pussy. My ass.

A groan left me that chilled my desire. It wasn't going to happen. It hadn't yet, and there was no hope in sight. And the saddest part was as much as I wanted love, I yearned for lust so much more.