On the interstate, I realized we hadn’t left Colorado. We were still relatively close to Antonio. Not that it mattered. Cash wasn’t stopping to drop me off. He hadn’t spoken since getting into the vehicle and he didn’t seem eager to break the silence. We’d been on the road for hours and I was starting to think that he’d never stop, that he was actually a robot.
I had started shifting back and forth in my seat somewhere after Colorado Springs. I had to pee, but it almost felt too vulnerable asking him to stop. He wasn’t speaking and I didn’t want to break my own silence by asking him for something.
I crossed my legs for what had to have been the eighteenth time and pressed my forehead against the window. I wanted to scream, I was so uncomfortable. If anything, it was distracting me from the consuming anxiety I felt about Helena.
Cash took an exit for a little town with two gas stations and pulled into the smaller one. “Need anything?”
I nodded and reached for the door handle.
He caught my arm and met my eyes with a hard stare. “Don’t cause a scene. Get in and do what you need to do and then get back here.”
I pulled away and climbed out, choosing to ignore him. I hurried into the little store and to the bathroom. It wasn’t the cleanest of places but I was bordering on peeing on myself, so it didn’t matter. After I did my business and washed my hands, I moved around the aisles, looking for something to eat.
When Cash found me, I had an armful of candy and snacks. I held up a bag of corn nuts. “Help me carry these.”
“You’re not getting all of that.”
I thought about hitting him. “Yeah, I am. If you’re going to kidnap me and force me to ride in a vehicle with you for however long it’s going to take to get to wherever you’re taking me, I’m going to need something to do and eating sounds good. So you can get this stuff and a giant slush, or I can scream for someone to call the cops. I’m pretty sure Antonio can have someone here before the cops arrive.”
He stared down at me for a bit before taking things from my arms. I thought I’d won until he dropped them on the shelf beside us and grabbed me. He tossed me over his shoulder and headed up to the register. “Here’s a hundred for whatever’s in her hands. Thanks.”
I swore and hit his thighs as hard as I could from the upside-down angle he had me in. “Dammit, Cash! Let me go. You can’t keep treating me like this!”
He dumped me into the passenger seat and leaned into my face. “I can do whatever I want. Because I’m in charge. And while I may be leaning towards believing you, I’m still coming off of an anger binge that could’ve fucking lit up New York, Clara, so if you’d just shut up and go along for the ride without throwing any fits, that’d be fucking great.”
Anger flooded me and I found myself wanting to shove my fist into his mouth just to punish him. Instead of stopping myself, I shocked him by shoving my fingers into his mouth and growling as I did it. When he tried to pull back, I followed and only stopped when he gagged. Satisfaction soothed my wounded pride.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Cash coughed and backed away, staring at me like I’d lost my mind.
Maybe I had. “You! I’m tired of you being a bully!”
He came closer again, but watched my hands. “A bully? This is about our daughter’s life. Grow up.”
He was right, of course. It was about Helena and I was reacting to him instead of thinking about her. It didn’t make it any easier to deal with him, though. I bit my tongue and stared straight ahead, telling myself that my time with him couldn’t last forever. I just had to find Helena and make sure she was safe. Then…
What then? I’d never considered what was past that.
Cash slammed my door and then walked around the SUV. He stopped at his side for a moment and just stood there. His chest heaved, like he was exhaling a huge breath, and then he got in.
He pulled back on the interstate and I thought we were in for another long silence. He surprised me by talking, though. “Johnathan Cortez is a married man who lives in Dixie, Florida, with his wife, Jennifer, and their newly seventeen-year-old daughter, Amelia.”
I held my breath and waited for him to continue.
“There are records showing Amelia was born in a hospital in Jacksonville to both parents, but when I looked up the attending doctor listed, he wasn’t practicing during that time. It could be a mistake on the paperwork.”
I twisted to face him. “But it could be her.”
He didn’t look back at me. “Yeah, could be.”
I sank back into my seat and then jerked upright. “Antonio’s going to get there before us. He’s going to know you found her. Why did you come for me if you knew that? Why didn’t you just go to her? He wouldn’t have known to go to her if you hadn’t taken me.”
“It took me that long to find out about Cortez. He was very hidden.” Cash sighed and rubbed his hand down his face. “I didn’t plan on taking you.”
“You just hated me so much that you decided you needed more time to torture me and push me around?”
“He would’ve killed you.”
I lost all of my righteous anger and froze. “What?”
Cash sighed even heavier and tossed a glance over at me. “I saw him choking you. He’s insane. When I found Helena, he would’ve assumed you’d led me to her, which you did, apparently, and he would’ve killed you for it.”
My heart sped up painfully and all I could do was nod and stare out of the window. Tears formed in my eyes, but I blinked them away. “If it would’ve meant Helena was safe right now, I would’ve been okay with it.”
The silence grew between us and stretched until I felt like breathing too loudly would shatter us into a million pieces. I didn’t know if my reality had finally sunk in with Cash or if he was trying to decide if I was lying, or what. I just knew that I meant it with all my heart. I wished he’d just waited and gone to her. He could’ve rescued her and taken her back to his high-security building and hidden her away from Antonio. I might’ve paid for it, but it was a price I was more than willing to pay for her.
“I sent a guy ahead. He’s sitting on their house, watching for any sign of distress.”
I gasped. “Why didn’t you lead with that? She’ll be okay?”
“From any outside attacks.” Cash shrugged and did a good job at looking casual while it was clear the weight of the world was sitting on his shoulders. “If Carver shows up, my guy has instructions to kill him. How’s that sit with you?”
“It’s fine.” I answered too quickly. I knew it as soon as I did it. It wasn’t because I still loved Antonio. I didn’t. It was just hard to imagine him dead. I’d known him for so long and he seemed like an immoveable force. I would be fine with it, though. If he tried to hurt her, he deserved whatever came his way. He did, no matter what.
“So, how long have you been Mrs. Death and Destruction?”
“Fuck you.”
And as quickly as any truce had been formed, it was over. He didn’t trust me and I couldn’t take seeing someone hate me as much as I hated myself.
“I can’t believe you shoved your fucking fingers in my mouth. All these years with Carver and that’s how you defend yourself?”
I grimaced. That hadn’t been my finest moment, that much was true. “Sorry, I didn’t learn karate while you were away. That would’ve put a ruffle in your feathers, though, huh? If you’d have tried to kidnap me and I kicked your ass?”
He snorted. “I’m a blackbelt. You would’ve had to try harder than just learning karate.”
“No, you’re an asshole.”
“And you’re a brat.”
“You don’t know me at all. You can’t say what I am or what I’m not. I’m a stranger.”
“And you know me so well?”
“You showed up in my life again, drunk. You stunk like whiskey and your hurt me. You left bruises on me. You threatened to kill me. You kidnapped me and berated me. You tried to make me feel as small as you possibly could.” I sighed. “It’s not like you were that great before you were a stranger, though, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised.”
Cash sped up and moved around a slower truck. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Which part?”
He sent me a dirty look and cracked his neck. “The last part.”
“So, you don’t disagree with the first part?”
“Goddammit, Clara! You used to be so fucking quiet. You could be in a room and I’d hardly know you were there. What happened to that girl?”
His words cut deep, deep down to the little girl who’d loved him. I dug my nails into the sides of the seat and watched the road go by. “How much longer until we get to where we’re going?”
Cash sighed and slammed his hands on the steering wheel. “A few more hours and then we’ll get on a plane to Dallas. I need to make a stop and then we’ll take another plane to Florida.”
I nodded. “Maybe you can just leave me in Dallas. Chain me up to a basement wall or something.”
“Your sense of humor knows no bounds.” He growled when someone moved into the fast lane, forcing him to slam on the brakes. “You’re telling me that you don’t want to see your daughter? And I’m supposed to believe your story?”
We passed a car with a family inside who looked to be fighting with each other. A little boy and girl in the backseat were slapping at each other and they were both crying. I fought tears and crossed my arms over my chest. “I want to see her more than I want my next breath.”
“Then why not fight to go with me?”
I turned to face him and when he glanced over at me, I didn’t hide the pain I was feeling. “Because I…I’m not anyone she needs to know. Leave it at that. So just leave me in Dallas or something. I just want to hang around long enough to know that she’s okay and that you’ve got her. Then I’ll do whatever.”
He was quiet for a long time before responding to me. When he did, the venom in his voice was gone and he just sounded tired. “You’re coming to Florida with me. She’ll need both of her parents.”
I dropped my head back on the rest and stared at him. His profile was almost the same as it had been when we were young. Or maybe I’d just spent so long staring at it back then that I could still imagine it while looking at him. I was hit with the irony of the situation. At eighteen, I would’ve done anything to be alone in a truck with Cash, on a road trip. Being alone with him and having his attention was one of my deepest, most secret wishes.
I knew if I searched deep enough, that feeling would still be there, lingering next to my conscious so much like a helpless eighteen-year-old girl, too awkward to know how to approach what she wanted. Hemming and hawing, it was probably tugging at its ponytail and debating the pros and cons of opening its mouth. Pro, it got to talk to Cash. Con, Cash could not like it. Worse, he could hate it.
Reality was a bitch. Because Cash did hate me, and I couldn’t say I blamed him. It didn’t make it suck any less, though.
“What do I know about being a parent, Cash? What do either of us know?”