My jeans had made it out okay, but I was back in my Gator’s Swamp Things shirt. I had a few impressive scrapes on my elbows that were sure to heal slowly and painfully and my head throbbed like hell from bouncing off the ground. I hadn’t been shot, though, so there was that, and that was great. I was in a state of shock, though.
“If you need a shower, now’s the time. We’re safe. No one followed us and no one even knows this place exists.” Cash looked around the small cabin and shrugged. “Go ahead and then I’ll look at your elbows.”
I nodded absently and walked slowly to the bathroom at the back of the cabin. I stopped in the doorway and looked back at Cash. “How… That was for me?”
He looked away and shrugged. “No way to know for sure right now. Could’ve been for me.”
“But you don’t think that?”
He shook his head. “No. I think that was for you.”
I shivered and hurried into the bathroom. It was simple and clean, worlds better than the motel. I turned the water on boiling hot and undressed as it heated. I avoided my reflection as I folded my clothes and put them on the sink before getting into the shower.
The water scalded me, but I welcomed the distraction. Antonio had tried to kill me. I knew it was a possibility, so I couldn’t understand why I was so shocked by it. I guessed knowing it could happen and having it almost happen were two very different things.
I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold and stepped out to find Cash had left me a towel and a change of clothes. I hadn’t even heard him come in. I tried to clear my head as I pulled on a huge T-shirt, one of Cash’s by the smell of it, and the jean underwear shorts.
I just had to embrace a different plan. Mine, of going back to Antonio, didn’t really feel like an option anymore. Unless I wanted to be shot dead on sight. Which I didn’t.
I came out of the bathroom and found Cash sitting on the couch with the TV remote in his hands and a stern look on his face. I sat at the opposite end from him and tucked my legs under me.
He grabbed a first-aid kit and doctored my scrapes in silence.
“So, we go with your plan.”
His eyes softened for a moment and then he looked away. “It’s the only one we’ve got.”
“What are you watching?”
Cash glanced over at me and then shrugged. “Just looking right now. I’m going to shower. You pick what you want.”
“I didn’t leave any hot water.”
“Doesn’t matter. Can I trust that you’ll stay here while I’m in the bathroom?” He dropped the remote next to me and stood. “There’s a little pizza place down the road that we can go to after, if you want.”
I nodded, my stomach growling in anticipation. “I’ll be here. Where else would I be?”
I flipped through the channels while he showered and kept working on remembering not to freak out. When I passed by a cop show, another idea started to form in my mind.
I stood up and hurried over to the bathroom door. “Cash?”
The water cut off and two seconds later, Cash opened the door in just a towel and a very wet body. Keeping my eyes on his was a testament to my self-control, even in the situation we were in.
“What’s wrong?”
“What if I went to the police? I’ve seen Antonio commit multiple murders, way more than I care to remember. But I do. I remember them all. I could testify against him. He’d be in prison and he wouldn’t be able to hurt her.”
Cash sighed and shook his head. “C, he owns at least some of the police force. Before you got to make a statement, you’d be dead. Even if you made it to a trial, he’d never let you testify against him. And even if he went to prison, he would have ways to make things happen in the real world. He could lift a finger and have her executed, have you executed.”
I turned around and went back to the couch, sinking into the plush cushions and wishing I could just disappear into them for a while. “I thought it might work.”
I stared at the TV, not seeing anything, and thought about how we could penetrate Antonio’s security. I didn’t see a way. I’d thought about it a lot while I was still with him. Not to get in, but to get out. It hadn’t taken me long to realize that it was never going to happen. Getting in would be even harder.
“Let’s go get some food in us and then we’ll talk more, okay?” Cash reappeared in jeans and a fitted T-shirt. His hair was still damp and his eyelashes were wet and clinging to each other.
I hated myself for noticing how good he looked. My body was operating without my brain, though, and it still reacted to Cash the same way it always had. “Okay.”
I tied the bottom of his shirt higher on my waist so it didn’t look like I wasn’t wearing shorts and put my hair up in a messy bun. It wasn’t much, but I felt like I had to do something since we were going out in public.
Cash suggested we walk down to the pizza place and it wasn’t too hot out, so I went along with it. In flip flops, it wasn’t easy, but it was nice to be out. When I almost slipped, Cash took my upper arm and held it the rest of the way.
The place was small and busy, but a table opened up in the back when we walked in, so Cash took it. He sat with his back against the wall and he pulled a chair closer for me to sit in. Our knees touched under the table, but he didn’t seem to notice.
A young waitress took our drink orders and then went off to the kitchen area. As soon as she was gone, Cash looked over at me and offered me a half smile.
I sat up straighter and frowned. “What?”
He shook his head. “Nothing.”
Our drinks were dropped off and our orders were taken. When the waitress left us alone again, I frowned at Cash. “It wasn’t nothing. What was that half smile about?”
“For a second there, it felt like we were back in high school again. Hanging out at that shitty Pizza Hut on Raymond.”
My heart clenched in my chest and I looked down at my sweet tea. “Only there’s no one to come in and scream at me when they find out I’m with you.”
Cash raised his eyebrows. “No, that’s pretty much the same. And worse.”
I laughed. What else was there to do? “God, this sucks. I’m sorry, but it all sucks so much. I feel like I need a do-over. Every step of the way, I’ve made bad decisions and stumbled over and over again. Helena is the only thing I ever did right in the world and look how that ended. I can’t even see her.”
“You can.”
I shook my head. “She deserves better. She deserves happiness. I don’t think I can give that to her.”
The waitress showed up and put our pizza down for us. Cash poured an obscene amount of parmesan cheese on his half and offered it to me, but I refused.
“That’s right. You don’t like extra cheese, do you?”
I shrugged, not really sure anymore. “It’s been so long since I’ve had pizza that I don’t really remember.”
He slid his plate across to me and nodded at his slice. “Try it.”
Feeling silly, I took a bite and winced. “I don’t like it.”
He laughed and that dangerous feeling below my stomach fluttered in acknowledgment of the sound. His eyes crinkled at the corners and, while there were more lines than I remembered, it was just as disarming as it’d been when he was younger.
He shook his head and pulled his plate back to his side. “You still make the same grossed out face.”
“I was just thinking something along that line about you.” I took a long drink and smiled. “Must be something in the water at that cabin. I could’ve sworn you hated me just a few hours ago.”
The silence that followed made me wish I hadn’t said anything. I finished my first slice and my glass of sweet tea before looking up again. Cash was staring at me, his pizza untouched.
“I believe you.”
I sat back in my seat and chewed on my lower lip, thinking of how I wanted to respond. I wasn’t entirely sure. I’d wanted to hear him say that so badly, but I wasn’t sure it meant anything, after everything.
“I’m not going to fucking apologize, if that’s what you’re waiting on.”
I laughed. “I didn’t expect you to. You never did learn how.”
“Why haven’t you had pizza?”
“Someone finally wanted to see my body. Pizza came second to that, I guess.” I shoved another bite of pizza into my mouth and then raised the slice in the air in a cheers. “Guess I don’t have to worry about that anymore!”
Cash went back to frowning and glanced around the tables closest to us. “I’m trying to play nice, so if you could not mention fucking Antonio, that’d be great.”
“This is you making an effort to play nice?”
“I told you I believe you.”
“You also told me you weren’t going to ‘fucking apologize.’ You also still can’t look at me without your eye twitching like you’re withdrawing from something.” I rolled my eyes. “Of course, that’s after you kidnapped me, pushed me around, ignored me, and acted like I was a raging lunatic.”
The waitress chose that moment to top off our drinks. Her eyes were wide as she looked down at me. “Everything okay here?”
I nodded and smiled. “Just making a point to my friend here. Nothing to worry about.”
Cash dropped his pizza back onto the pan and motioned towards it. “Can we get this boxed up to go?”
I guessed the reminiscing was over.
I couldn’t help but push him. I was still so angry about everything. If he’d have listened to me in the beginning, we would’ve been out of trouble by now. No one would be shooting at me and I wouldn’t have remembered how good pizza tastes. Helena would be safe. Instead, he’d decided somewhere along the way that he believed me, but didn’t feel the need to share that with me, still taking every chance he could to rip on my character as a mother and human being. And there was the part of me that hadn’t gotten to get angry when we were young, who was coming alive in a very mad way.
“So, have you remarried?” I looked down at his empty hand and waited for him to answer. Maybe he’d surprise me.
“No.”
“Girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Boyfriend?”
“…No. What’s with the twenty questions?”
“I’m trying to play nice.”
By that time our pizza was ready to go. Cash left two twenties on the table and grabbed the box. “Come on. I don’t think we’re ready for public appearances yet.”
I agreed with him. I didn’t know what we were doing, anyway. Pretending to be friends? Getting to know one another? It was stupid. And a distraction from the real problem at hand.
“Did you talk to your dad much before he passed?”
The question shocked me. “What?”
Cash held my arm again as we walked back to the cabin. “I didn’t know if maybe you and your dad made up in the end.”
I stepped over a fallen log and shook my head. “Nope. The last time I saw him was when I was pregnant with Helena. I guess I never told you. He cornered me at the Piggly Wiggly and told me I was just like Mom. I’d trapped you just like she’d trapped him. He told me he felt bad for the kid, but maybe I’d off myself earlier than Mom did, so the kid would have a chance. Said he felt real bad for you, though.”
“Bastard.” His fingers tightened around my arm, not enough to hurt, but enough to let me know that he was frustrated. “Was he always that much of an asshole?”
“Yeah. He never hit me, but he didn’t have to. He loved to use his words. I was always the fat embodiment of my lazy, no good mother. I had weak genes and it was her fault, but that didn’t mean I had to accept it. I should’ve tried harder, been better, prettier, thinner. It’s surprising that it took Mom so long to kill herself. I don’t know how she listened to him, screaming around the house like a madman, for so long.”
I sighed. I’d forgotten all about the conversation being a distraction. “I think I must have a taste for it, now. What’s that they say? Women marry their fathers? Why else would both of the men I’ve slept with find it so easy to scream at me and push me around?”
Cash stopped walking. “I never pushed you around.”
“Maybe not back then. But now? Yeah. You dragged me all over the place, by my hair, practically, and you’ve been yelling in my face about me being a terrible mother and about how much I screwed up.”
“I’m not your father.” He let go of my arm. “I thought you’d taken our daughter from me and then gotten rid of her.”
I poked his chest. “That’s the thing, Cash. If you’d been home ever, you would’ve known from the start that I would never have purposefully done anything to harm her. I loved her with all my heart. She was everything to me. I also would never have done anything to hurt you. Because, I don’t know, maybe I loved you too, back then. I knew I cared about you, more than I cared about myself. I made mistakes, but I never did anything with bad intentions.”
“I was working. I was supporting you.”
I shook my head, the old frustration so close to the surface that I didn’t even have to try to find it. It was just there. “No. Not at first, Cash. The first two years we were married, you didn’t send any of your money home. You didn’t support me at all. I started waitressing at Barely Bob’s and I dropped out of school to be able to have enough money to pay the rent and bills. Most months, I barely was able to afford more than ramen to eat.
“When you did come home, I would hear about these extravagant meals you took your brothers out to. You didn’t have to support me, but you just left me to figure it out. And with Helena… You sent home enough money to pay for the rent finally. You paid for rent, Cash. That’s it. Do you know what I paid for? Everything else. Diapers, formula because she wouldn’t latch on, and so much fucking laundry detergent for the months she threw up on her clothes, and mine, daily. I worked until I was nine months pregnant to save up some money to buy her a crib.
“And when she came? You came home once or twice a year. You stayed for three or four days, didn’t look at me, and then left in the middle of the night to go see your brothers. I wouldn’t see you again for another half year or more. So don’t tell me you were supporting us. You weren’t.”