“I killed him.”
I was stretched out across Jagger’s naked chest, gently stroking my fingers across his skin. I rested my chin on him and looked up at him. He’d been silent since we had sex, just holding me tight. I could tell something was on his mind, but I’d been too content to bother him.
“Johnny. I killed him. I was leading the mission and something went wrong. We didn’t count on this rebel group to still be there. I trusted the intel that I’d been given. I should’ve checked it out. I should’ve known that something was off. Johnny’s gut was never wrong. If I’d listened to him when he said he was nervous, I would’ve realized we were walking into an ambush.
“What was supposed to be a clean-up mission to track down someone’s daughter ended up being an ambush. I saw the glint from a sniper and I screamed for everyone to get the fuck down.”
I wrapped my arms around him and held him as he spoke. Anxiety ate away at me, warning me that I was getting too close to a rolling stone, but I couldn’t help it. Holding Jagger while he told his story was the only thing I wanted to do in that moment. I didn’t want to run.
“I didn’t realize that there were men closer. I alerted them to our presence. They attacked. We fought like we were trained to. I took down a handful of them when Johnny shoved me out of the way of a bullet. I hadn’t noticed a rebel sneaking up on me. Johnny did. He shoved me out of the way and took the bullet himself.”
Jagger cleared his throat and absently pulled his fingers through my hair. “It hit him just under the armpit, in the side. It missed his vest perfectly. Hit his heart and he died not even a minute later. He just stared at me with these wide eyes like he couldn’t believe what was happening. It wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to go back home and marry his girl. Pop out some kids. Live a happy life.
“He was my brother. We joined the Navy at the same time, trained together. Fought together. I was supposed to have his six.”
I pressed my lips to his chest and squeezed him tighter. I knew nothing I could say would make him feel better. I knew the pain of losing a brother.
“At his funeral, his girl, Shannon, she was a wreck. She hit me. I don’t even blame her. While she was screaming at me to leave because I was the reason she was going to spend the rest of her life alone, all I could think about was Johnny’s eyes when he realized he’d just taken a bullet for me. He didn’t mean to. He didn’t mean to die. He didn’t want to. He wanted to go home to Shannon.
“It eats me alive. Cash didn’t want me working when I got home. I’d just finished my time with the Navy. My head was not in a good place. I was drinking a lot. Taking risks that I didn’t have to take. He was right to not let me work. But, fuck. Sitting on my ass all day long is a lot harder than I ever could’ve imagined. My head has been in a constant tailspin.”
I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest. “Guilt can eat a person alive. Even when it’s misplaced.”
He sat up and tugged me between his thighs. With his chin on my shoulder, he sighed. “You sound like you know that from personal experience.”
I blew out a rough breath. “Something like that. Were you hurt on the mission, too?”
Jagger wrapped his arms around me and I could feel his heart beating a mile a minute against my back. “We all were. Tell me about your guilt, Lacey.”
“Why?”
“It’d be nice to feel normal for a while.”
That one sentence hit me harder than he could’ve known it would. I’d spent my whole life forgetting Jason for a chance to feel normal again. A few minutes of suffering to give Jagger the one thing I’d always wanted wasn’t too much for him to ask. I got it.
I took a deep breath and held it until dots appeared in my vision. Only then did I blow it out and speak. “I let Jason go downstairs. I hid in his hamper and let him go. I’d seen the gun. I knew we were in trouble, but I let him go. I was glad he was going and letting me stay. I was terrified and I knew that Jason would fix it. We both know how that turned out. As if that isn’t enough, I feel horrible because I’ve spent every day since then pretending that he never existed. If he never existed, then he didn’t die. Life didn’t stop. My family didn’t cease to function. Mom would be okay. Dad wouldn’t be so scared. I wouldn’t hurt. So I imagine that I’m an only child. I’ve half convinced myself that the kid in the photos next to me on the wall downstairs was a distant cousin who moved away.”
I shook my head and loosened my fingers from where they’d turned white from gripping the blanket so tight. I hadn’t meant to say so much. The words just tumbled out, though. Knowing that I’d told my secret for the first time had me feeling like running. I suddenly felt more naked than I was. It was like my nerves were exposed and feeling Jagger behind me, breathing evenly despite what I’d just said was like someone raking their nails down those exposed and raw nerves.
“Jason would get it. He fucking got everything. He was the smartest person I knew back then. He wouldn’t mind. He would’ve done anything for you, Lace, and letting you forget him wouldn’t be too far for him.”
“I’m willing to bet that a trained Navy SEAL knew what he was doing when he shoved you aside, too, Jag. I can’t imagine that he’d want you refusing to live because of what happened. What would even be the point of what he did?”
Jagger blew out a rough breath, stirring my hair and tickling me. When I moved away from it, he tightened his hold and brushed his lips over my ear. “Maybe you have a point. We should be living more, shouldn’t we?”
He switched gears so fast that my head spun but it was just what I needed. I turned my face to his and smiled. “I know where we could start.”
*
I skipped breakfast the next morning in favor of not facing my father after everything that happened the night before. I washed Jameson instead and tried to focus on working. It wasn’t easy, though, with Jagger walking by me on his rounds checking out the property closest to the house. His eyes hid nothing of the desire he felt and I ended up ducking my head more than once to hide a blush.
He’d stayed the entire night and showered with me that morning. It was less shower than it was more sex, but I’d left the shower with my hair wet, so that was something.
My heart pounded every time he came near me and when he’d stopped and taken over rinsing Jameson, I nearly melted seeing his strong hands be so gentle with my horse. For a while, I forgot that someone was messing with my family and the ranch. I forgot that I was supposed to be stressed over too many things to even remember.
Jagger turned my brain to mush and I didn’t hate it. It was alarming, but even that warning sound faded when his blue eyes met mine and his mouth lifted in a real smile. I didn’t know how it’d happened, but I liked Jagger. He was a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stale atmosphere.
I still managed to get my morning work done. It was harder with Jamie and Kenneth not there, but I managed. Dad didn’t show his face all morning and I appreciated that.
When I headed towards the house for lunch, I found Mom standing in her garden, looking around at all her dead plants. Between the blood and the bleach I knew Kenneth had used, nothing survived. Her face was crestfallen, but it would’ve been worse if she’d found a butchered cow sitting there instead.
“Sorry about your garden, Mom.”
She put her hands on her hips and looked around her feet. “We were going to have a salad for lunch.”
I took her arm and gently pulled her inside. “We can have sandwiches. I don’t have much time, anyway.”
She patted my arm and then made work of pulling off her gardening gloves and stuffing them into the basket she’d set down next to the porch. “Your father will be disappointed.”
I laughed. “When is he not?”
Dad and Jagger were sitting at the table together, their heads bent over a tablet. Jagger looked up at me and frowned. Dad didn’t bother.
“Someone cut the cameras last night. I should’ve checked but I got a little distracted.” His voice went warm and the frown slipped for a moment, leaving something hungry in its place.
Dad looked between the two of us and groaned. “You have got to be kidding me. Really, Lacey?”
I felt my face heating up and it pissed me off. I was three years from thirty. I didn’t have to explain my choices to anyone, much less my father who liked to get drunk with misogynistic pigs. “‘Really?’, what? What’s the real question there, Dad? Say what you mean.”
He sat back in his chair and rubbed his temples. “Maybe you should save the bed activities until we get this sorted. There are people trying to hurt us.”
I took a step towards him and glared. “And where were you last night, Dad?”
He glared right back at me. “I was working.”
“With Jack? Or Captain Morgan?” I scoffed and threw my hands up. “Do you even realize that you got driven home by someone high as a kite on cocaine last night?”
“Franklin? Never. He told me that you’ve been saying rude things to him, Lacey. He was thinking of breaking the contract because of the way you’ve been treating him. Harassing him. You’re going to run this place into the ground!”
My mouth hung open as I tried to process his words. My lips opened and closed as I made sense of what he’d said, but still no sound came out. Me? Rude to Franklin?
I was going to kill Franklin. How was that for rude? I strode from the kitchen, back out to the barn. With fury coursing through my veins, I mounted Jameson and raced towards the clubhouse.
It was crazy. I didn’t know what I was going to do once I got there, besides rip Franklin a new one. I was seeing red and I knew I was going to do something stupid enough to make Dad feel justified in not wanting to hand the ranch over to me. I couldn’t just let it go, though. My gut was screaming at me that Franklin was up to something. He was blatantly lying to Dad, to start with. Where it ended, I didn’t know. But I was going to find out.
I saw Franklin walking around the side of the house and went that way. I got off Jameson and was about to hook him to the porch when I heard something shuffle behind me. Turning to see what it was, I got the surprise of my life as something hit me hard across the side of my head. My vision blurred and then went black as I swayed. Fear threatened to cut off my lungs as I tried to grab my saddle to hold myself up.
My hands came up empty, though. Falling to the ground, I heard voices closing in on me. The urge to fight was strong but my head wasn’t up for it. I was out before I even hit the ground.