Chapter 12
Somewhere between sleeping and waking, an overwhelming feeling of dread entered my consciousness. Something’s wrong, something’s wrong—but what is it? Oh, oh—now I remember. I sat up, still on the couch with the throw hanging off my back. Rubbing my face with my hands, I pulled the blanket around me and leaned into the cushiony side. The sleep hadn’t been restful or restoring. No energy, no motivation, yet a million things needed to be done. The appointment at the funeral home was set for ten. Glancing at the cable box, I saw it was 5:45.
This would be the first time I went back to my house since—that. I needed to change out of the clothes I’d spent the last twenty-four hours in. Mom tried to get me to eat something before I left. Why do they always think food is the answer?
It was strange walking in there, kind of sad. The towel that had been tossed carelessly on the floor when Annie’s water broke was still there. Picking it up, I fought the urge to puke again. Our bed remained unmade. I left it. Grabbing the clean clothes I needed, I headed into the bathroom. Her things were on the counter by the sink. Lotions, perfume, lipstick, just where she had left them. It hurt to see her stuff. The shower felt warm and somewhat soothing. I put on jeans, not sure what attire worked best for casket shopping.
Things were bustling at the hospital. Our room was occupied again. Another couple getting ready to welcome a baby and enter the happiest time of their lives—yeah, good luck with that. A nurse I hadn’t seen before manned the desk when I asked for Sadie. She checked the band I wore, then looked at a clipboard sitting next to the computer. “We need to finish the paperwork for the birth certificate. We just need a middle name and your signature.”
The idea of a middle name had been tossed around. I thought since Annie chose Sadie, I should get to choose the middle name. I wanted Ann. Annie said no, she wanted Jo, a nod to my dad, or Marie or Grace, but not Ann. I jotted down Ann and signed the paper. Apparently Dr. Eicker left word she wanted to see me. I just nodded and asked again for my daughter.
Sadie had eaten right before I got there. This was her alert time. I sat in the rocker and fiddled with her fingers. She held on with one hand to my index finger and mashed the other little fist against her mouth. All of a sudden, she shuddered and sneezed. I about leapt out of the chair. It actually brought a hint of a smile to my face for a split second. “Wow, such a big noise out of such a tiny girl,” I cooed at her.
After a while, she fell asleep to me stroking her head, and my anxious mind took over. I thought about all the people that came when Sadie was born and how I hadn’t seen a soul other than family since. Was this how it would be now? Alone, really alone—God! Tears came without warning. I pressed my finger and thumb into my eyes to stop them. An alarm sounded somewhere in the hospital, causing me to check the time. I was going to have to hurry to make it for our appointment. Kissing Sadie, I handed her back to a nurse at the station, saying I’d be back later.
With the arrangements in place, I hoped someone had written everything down, because my head felt numb. And I had no clue how much a funeral would cost. It hadn’t even occurred to me. The figures were astounding. Margo pulled me aside and told me she’d be covering everything and not to worry. I had to let her; all I could do was thank her.
Later, at Independent Engineering, I talked to Dave. Of course, he already knew, and if I had been checking my phone, I would’ve seen he tried calling me several times. He gave me six weeks off with pay. Time to get my life back into some kind of order. That kind of generosity surpassed any expectations, and I was humbly grateful. And thank God I didn’t run into any of my coworkers.
In the afternoon, I returned to the hospital. When I asked for Sadie, a nurse named Kathy, nearing retirement and with straight chin-length, graying brown hair, gave me a sympathetic smile. “Sweetie, you’re going to be bringing that baby home in a couple of days. I’ve got a little time before my shift ends. How about I show you how to give her a bath?”
“I guess, sure.” Another thing I hadn’t even thought about. What about food? Exactly what was it we’d been feeding her? When did she need to see the doctor or have her shots? I could feel my heart beating faster and my stomach tighten. I told myself, breathe—one thing at a time!
Sadie rode in her cart to what had become our room. I never saw anyone else go in there. The nurse pushed in another cart that had a basin on it, already filled with warm water and a soft pad next to it. We got clean clothes out for her and set them aside. She told me to undress Sadie. After unwrapping the blanket, I slipped off her gown. My big hands seemed so clumsy with her teeny garments. Her little T-shirt came off next, and when I undid her diaper, I found that she had pooped. Pleading eyes looked at Kathy.
“Oh, good girl! We’ve been waiting for that, today. Go ahead, Daddy, clean her up.”
As my hands shook, I proceeded. I probably used ten wipes, maybe more, but I did it, grimacing the whole time. Thinking she was going to take over, I kept my hand on Sadie’s tummy. I started to move back when Kathy said, “Okay, now you are going to wash her, no tubby until she loses the cord. When you’re done, I’ll show you how to hold her when she can go in the water. They’re slippery little buggers.” I gave a little snort.
She stayed so still, staring up at me with those big, curious eyes as I spoke softly, following my tutor’s every instruction. That clamp was scary, but it would fall off, she explained. While Kathy directed me, I went quiet, and Sadie started fussing. “Hey, now, none of that,” I said, patting her on the chest and leaning closer to her. She calmed right down.
“See, she already recognizes your voice,” Kathy said. That gave me a degree of comfort. Then we finished. It’d probably go down in history as the longest baby sponge bath ever, but she was clean and smelled good, and both of us survived. Once I swaddled her, I held her in the rocker.
While I rested my eyes, I sensed I wasn’t alone. I opened them to find my brother just looking at us.
“How’s she doing?” Tom asked.
Sitting up straighter in the chair, I answered, “I gave her a bath a bit ago, learning the ropes.”
Tom smiled and nodded. “She’s beautiful, Mike. She looks just like her mom.”
I fought back the thickening in my throat. “Yeah, I haven’t decided yet if that’s good or bad.”
“It’s good, Mike. Can I hold her?”
I couldn’t speak. I stood up and handed her over. Just then, my phone buzzed in my pocket. Pulling it out, I saw Mom was calling.
“Mike? It’s four o’clock. I’m at your house, where are you?”
“At the hospital. Tom’s here.”
“You’re supposed to meet me to pick out the clothes for Annie, did you forget?”
This time, I couldn’t stave off the emotions. I turned my back to Tom as my free hand went up to rest on my head. “Sorry,” I managed. “I’ll be right there.” To Tom, I said, “I have to go pick out her burial clothes.” Hot tears ran down my face. And I’d thought I was doing so good. Putting an arm around my shoulder, Tom comforted me.
“I’ll stay here a while with Sadie, is that okay?”
~ ~ ~
The wake was the following day from four to eight. I was dreading it. Though I continued to stay at Mom and Dad’s, I needed to go home for clothes and a shower. Standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom, I tied my tie and slipped on my sports coat. Afterward, I headed back so I could ride with them and not have to go in alone.
Mom made a bunch of food to bring to the lounge where the family could hang out if they needed a break. I helped her carry it in. Then the three of us went up to the main floor to meet with Mr. Gruber, the funeral director. He shook everyone’s hands and led us into the room that held Annie.
Dad’s arm went around my shoulder, and Mom had me by the arm as we walked up to the casket. I physically trembled, but I’d steeled myself mentally for this moment, holding my breath, then blowing it out and holding the next.
She looked better than the last time I’d seen her, a little color to her cheeks and lips, makeup and hair done. My best friend, my wife, my lover—I folded my hands, closed my eyes, and asked God, who I now had some serious doubts about, to keep me strong and to protect our daughter from any more sorrow. I didn’t pray for Annie. She was a good, moral person, and I figured her soul was safe.
My mom put her arm around my waist and started to lead me over to a table on the side of the casket. Our wedding pictures were there, along with several others of Annie or the two of us. At the far end was a collage of pictures of Annie, Sadie, and me. Pictures I hadn’t seen. I didn’t know where they got them, but I couldn’t keep it together any longer. I sobbed. Exhaling a quivering breath, I knew this was going to be one long, hard night. I would learn later it was my brothers and sisters-in-law who collected and printed the pictures.
Friends, family, coworkers, the line was constant. A couple different groups of students came. One girl told me Annie was the best teacher at her school. I already knew that, but still nice to hear. My old boss and friend Charlie came. That was a tough one since he knew both of us so well. About an hour and a half into it, I told my parents I needed a break. I made my way down to the lounge where my brothers were all snacking, visiting, trying to be respectful. It got quiet when I joined them.
Picking up a cracker and a piece of cheese, I shoved it into my mouth. The dryness forced me to choke it down, and I snatched a bottle of water out of Tom’s hand. Once recovered, I looked around at them, then said, “I need a favor.” For most of the day I’d been mulling something over.
“What’s that, Mikey?” Tom asked.
Taking a full breath, I started, “When we had that miscarriage, we buried the baby up by the cottage—”
Mark broke in. “You had a miscarriage? When was this?”
I looked at the ceiling and shook my head. Ignoring him, I went on. “I think I should bury that baby with Annie.”
“Mike, seriously, I never knew about that!” Mark cut in again.
“Jesus, just shut up, Mark!” I said, dismissing him. “Can one of you drive up there and bring the baby’s remains back here?”
They were gawking at me like I had just peed myself or something. It made perfect sense to me. It was something I thought Annie would have wanted. When no one said anything, I threw my hands up, turning to leave. “Forget it, I’ll go myself.”
Returning to take my place up at the front, I imagined going to see Sadie after I left, then making the three-plus hour round trip to retrieve Little One. My head was pounding. Only a few minutes later, Mark came up and pulled me off to the side.
“I’m leaving for the cottage. Just tell me what I’m looking for.”
Every family had a black sheep. I guessed Mark wore that title. He was the one with the long hair and tattoos, smoking pot and still living like a teenager even though he had a couple years on me. I cocked my head as tears filled my eyes for the thousandth time today.
“Hey, thanks so much.” The hug I gave him came straight from the heart. He left.
As I turned to go back toward my mom, Annie’s father came into the room with Margo by his side. Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I approached him.
Reaching out my hand to him, we shook. “Thanks for coming.” Glancing at the floor, the words I wanted to say wouldn’t come out.
“Mike, you were my daughter’s rock, the anchor that she was missing. Thank you for being the man I never was for her.”
Wow! Nodding, I gave his arm a squeeze. “It was an honor to have her in my life. Thank you.” I gave Margo a tip of my chin, then let my feet carry me back to where I needed to be.
~ ~ ~
The funeral was scheduled for eleven the following morning. I hadn’t slept, again. Already at the hospital I rocked my Little Beanie as Olivia started her shift. Dr. Eicker was checking on something at the desk. When she saw me, she came in to talk for a few minutes. Most of what she had said to me that first day was a blur, so she repeated it. Nothing had changed. My wife was still dead.
I’d be taking Sadie home tomorrow. Olivia breezed in, grabbing the chair next to me. One thing I noticed, everyone zipped around like they were on a mission. She carried a handful of handouts and began running through a litany of things I’d have to do and watch for to keep the baby safe, healthy, and happy. After the first two pages, my eyes glazed over, and my head wanted to explode from overload.
Mom had done her best to try to convince me to bring Sadie to their house so she could help me. No. I wanted, no, I needed to go home. I needed to be responsible, to establish my life in this new strange dimension on my own.
“Questions, Mike?” Looking back at Olivia, my eyes brimmed. She leaned closer to me, fighting tears as well. Her hand touched Sadie’s head, then my knee. “Look, you’ve been here morning, noon, and night. I know you’re exhausted and totally overwhelmed. But I can see the love and devotion you have for Sadie, and my heart tells me that you two are going to do just great.” She needed to quit talking, or both of us would be blubbering.
“Thank you,” was all I could get out.
~ ~ ~
We were expected at the church by ten. The casket would be open in the narthex before the service. Back at my house, as I put on my shoes, a tapping came at the front door. Mark stood there wearing his funeral clothes and holding a bag. Taking it from him, I asked him in, and he followed me to the kitchen. Sliding the bag down revealed the metal box. I nodded to him. “This means a lot to me, Mark. Thanks again.”
We went to the church together, and before anyone else got there, I slipped the little embossed metal box into the side of the coffin next to Annie’s thigh. A little bit of peace settled in me. Mother and child forever together.
Pastor Ken had come up to the hospital the day she died. I barely remembered seeing him there. Now he found me in the back of the church and placed a strong hand on my shoulder as he shook my hand. “How are you holding up?” His eyes were sincere, his voice laced with concern.
I didn’t hold back. “Tell me, how can God take away my newborn baby’s mother? What kind of a God would do that?” I asked pointedly, angrily.
“Mike—God didn’t take her, the complications from the birth did. There is no reason to explain it. Even if there was, it wouldn’t change the outcome. Death is part of the journey, and God is here to walk with you through it. He feels your pain, and he hurts with you. Let him help you, Mike. He’s here for you.” My hands pressed against my eyes, and my breathing became jagged as I tried to process what he said. So much for peace. He gave me a hug, then motioned for Mark to come over and console me. Oh, God!
I survived it—the service, the burial. I tried to get out of going to lunch, but my parents insisted I had to attend, so I did. I spent a lot of time with Margo. I knew she was going back to New York after one last stop at the nursery. She told me she’d already set up a college fund for Sadie. She had concerns about when I went back to work. Annie had already signed Sadie up for daycare. Margo mentioned a nanny, but I graciously declined. This I needed to work out for myself.
From the afternoon into the evening, a lot of people stopped up at the hospital. Sadie was shuffled around between grandparents, aunts and uncles, and friends who finally felt at ease enough to show up. When everybody left, I walked around the room carrying Sadie. She’d been awake for a good part of the afternoon and showed no signs of being sleepy.
“Well, baby girl. Tomorrow is your big day, you get to come home with Daddy. What do you think of that?” Her barely-there eyebrows raised up, and one foot did a little kick. That was as much enthusiasm as she could muster. “Yeah, I know. It’ll be different, that’s for sure.” I placed my lips against the softness of her cheek. I sat back down, and the next thing I knew, it was like a spigot opened. My face was soaked, salty water running into my mouth, off my jaw, and onto Sadie’s blanket. The horrible suffocating grief washed over me like a wave trying to drown me. My lungs burned, my heart ached, and I agonized, “Annie—I’m so damned mad at you for leaving me!”