Chapter 19
All the Petroviches made it home from the hospital. In celebration of the new baby, I invited them and Dalton’s family over for a barbecue a week later. Finn and Sadie entertained themselves with the too-big-for-you play-set as well as the fifty or so other toys we’d brought out for them. The steamy day meant the icy beers and soft drinks went down with ease. Little Eli slept in his car seat in a shady corner with his new giraffe sitting at his feet.
I went into the house to collect the hamburgers and brats from the fridge, and Julie followed me in. “Need help with anything?”
“I think I’m good. You should be relaxing. By the way, Lacey says congratulations on the baby.” I smiled at her.
“Wait—what? You talked to her?”
“For a while now—”
“Oh my God, Mike! Why didn’t you tell us?” Before I could stop her, she charged outside by the others, spilling the news I meant for only her.
“Mikey! Get out here!” Pete’s voice boomed. Carrying a baking pan full of raw meat, I stepped out onto the deck. “Dude, what the hell?”
“Hey, Pete, mind your mouth! There’s kids here,” Julie warned him.
Pete looked about to argue the point, but then turned back to me. “What’s this about you and Lacey?”
Glancing around, every set of eyes focused on me. I could feel my face starting to turn red already.
“Who’s Lacey?” asked Lucy.
“There really isn’t much to tell,” I said to Pete. “She’s someone I knew a long time ago,” I directed to Lucy.
“Oh, don’t make it sound like she was a casual friend,” Jules piped in and proceeded to run through a few of the sordid details of our steamy summer fling. Feeling suddenly very warm, I grabbed another chilled beer from the cooler and took a long draw off of it.
“So—come on, Mike! What’s happening with you guys?” she prodded.
I planned to tell them when I thought it was safe to do it. But now I’d be on everyone’s radar. They’d want a play-by-play of every interaction, but I wanted to keep it private. “I messaged her a couple times on Facebook. Then we started calling back and forth. That’s really all there is to tell.”
A huge grin lit up Julie’s face. “I told you, Mike! There’s still something between you two, I can feel it. I’m so excited for you!”
“Don’t read more into it.”
“Too late,” she said, still smiling.
Then Dalton asked, “Does this mean it’s officially over with Callie?” Everyone burst out laughing. If I wasn’t embarrassed enough before, I sure was in that moment.
“There never was anything between me and Callie!”
“Except for the night at the bar, when you were ready to jump her bones,” Pete added. Looking out into the yard, I watched my daughter playing so nicely with Finn and felt ashamed, again, for what almost happened. Why was my life open season for all of them?
All at once, Finn grabbed a toy away from Sadie, yelling, “No, Sadie! Mine!” Next thing we knew, Sadie was screeching, not really crying but screaming and stomping her feet. I looked at Dalton, who was ready to let them fight it out, but I sprang to my little girl’s rescue. It put an end to the previous conversation.
~ ~ ~
July was nearly over. Lacey and I had talked several times in the last couple of weeks. There existed a comfort in knowing that likely nothing would come from this renewed friendship—I guessed that was what you’d call it. Yet it became more and more apparent that a part of me needed to see her. She asked about doing Skype or FaceTime, but I yearned for the real thing, close-up. The I-want-to-look-into-your-eyes thing. I started checking on flights, not sure where I’d even fly into.
When I broached the subject about wanting to come out there, Lacey didn’t even hesitate in saying yes. The first weekend in August was busy for her, and she was working the next. So we decided I’d fly out for the third. Technically, I could’ve taken an extra day as I was still on three-day weekends, but Lacey had to work Friday with no chance of switching. It turned out for the best anyway. I could spend part of Friday with Sadie. And at the forefront of my mind was the worry that we wouldn’t hit it off. If so, it would be hellish to be there for an extra day. This was happening just the way it was meant to.
There were a couple of options for Sadie’s care. Tom and Sheri were always willing to help me out. However, they had been the ones to deal with me when Lacey and I broke up the first time. I had been living with them and moped around for weeks until I finally took the job with Charlie and left town. Tom had warned me about getting in over my head with her, but I didn’t listen—what eighteen-year-old would? They probably wouldn’t be too keen about where I was going and why.
Dalton and Lucy were another possibility. But as far as I was concerned, Finn was a bully. I didn’t want to subject Sadie to that for two whole days.
Then there were my parents. If they didn’t already have plans to be up at the lake or something, I knew they would do it. However, they totally blamed Lacey for me disappearing from their lives for a year and a half. I didn’t know if they forgave her, or us, for that time in our lives.
I went ahead and booked the flight. Lacey convinced me flying into Burlington, renting a car, and driving less than an hour to her hometown, Montpelier, was the way to go. As far as I was concerned, once I had the ticket, there was no turning back.
Dropping in on Mom and Dad one evening in the middle of the week, I found them out in the back yard. Dad was mowing and Mom followed him with the trimmer. Both stopped when their youngest grandchild toddled over toward Papa.
“Hi,” I said, giving them a wave and a smile. We moved up to the deck and sat down at the table. Dad put Sadie on his lap. “I have a huge favor to ask you guys.”
“What’s that?” Mom asked.
Suddenly, I found it very hard to look her in the eye. My gaze aimed over the deck rail behind her. “I need someone to watch Sadie the third weekend in August. I made plans to go out of town. Do you have anything going on then?”
“I don’t think so, honey. Let me go check the calendar.” She got up to leave, and Sadie wanted to go with her. She led the way into the house. Glancing at my dad, I grinned then looked away.
“I’m glad you’re finally taking a little time for yourself. I hope you’re doing something fun, or is it for work?”
“It should be fun, I hope.”
Mom came back out. Sadie chomped on a cookie. “That weekend is fine, Mike. What do you have planned?”
I didn’t want to lie or deceive them. The first time around saw enough of that. Steeling my backbone, I said, “I’ve sort of reconnected with an old friend. I want to go see her in Vermont. It’s Lacey.”
I watched as Mom’s face went from hopeful to disappointed in the space of a millisecond. “Oh, honey!”
Sadie wandered over to me, and I lifted her to my lap. She offered me what remained of her cookie. I continued, “We became friends again through the Internet. Then we started talking on the phone. I really want to see her. I don’t know, just to see if there’s anything.”
Mom looked away.
“If there’s a problem—I mean if you don’t want to watch Sadie because you don’t approve, I get it. Just tell me and I’ll ask Tom or Dalton. I already have my plane ticket, and I’m going.”
She still didn’t say anything.
“Look, I spent the last fifteen months taking care of Sadie. Everything I did centered around her. I think I deserve to do this one thing for me.” I stopped, shaking my head. “Geez, that almost sounds like I resent her, and you know that isn’t true. You get what I’m saying, don’t you?”
My dad didn’t look happy, either. After he shoved his glasses back up his nose, he put his hand on his chin. “We’ll watch Sadie, Mike. You go check it out. But please take it slow with this woman.”
Sadie wiggled around and called for Papa, so I handed her over. Nodding, I answered, “I will, Dad. Thanks. You good with it too, Mom?”
“I am, honey. I just want to see that sparkle back in your eyes. Your heart’s still so fragile, Mike. Be careful!” Standing up, I gave Mom a kiss and hugged her as I thanked her. Coming around the table, I took Sadie back and gave my dad a hug, too.
“This really means a lot to me. Thanks again, you guys.”
~ ~ ~
The Monday of the week I was supposed to go meet up with Lacey, I got a call from the daycare saying that Sadie had vomited and needed to be picked up. I called Sheri to see if she could get her and keep her for a few hours until I got off from work. She agreed.
During my lunch break, I called to see how Sadie was doing. Sheri suggested I stop on the way to get some electrolyte drink for her. She’d thrown up at the daycare, then added diarrhea to it a little later. By the time I went to pick her up, I felt awful myself.
My stomach had been rolling all day. As I carried her into the house, I set her down. Suddenly, I needed to make a dash to the bathroom. Standing over the toilet, I lost the contents of my stomach, feeling like it had turned itself inside out in the process. I groaned and wiped the bitter taste from my lips.
When I tipped my head, I found Sadie standing in the doorway. Her eyes were like saucers, and her mouth hung open in amazement at what she witnessed. Finally, she said, “Da?”
Moving to the sink, I slurped a handful of water and spit it out, then dried my runny nose and mouth.
Picking her up, I kissed her warm little cheek. “Da’s just fine.” Fetching her blanket from her crib, I brought her into the living room, and we rocked in the recliner for a long time. Once I remembered the drink I got her, I filled a sippy cup. She wanted nothing to do with it, so I put it in a baby bottle, and she drank it all, eventually falling asleep.
All night, every hour or so, Sadie woke up. I’d change her and rock her, but she just couldn’t seem to get comfortable. I gave her a little more of the special juice and tried to put her down, but she cried. After throwing up again myself, I went and got her, and we stayed the rest of the night in the recliner. What if one of us is still sick on Friday? The thought kept playing through my head. What would I do? I’d never been away from Sadie for two nights in a row, much less when she was sick!
Both of us called in sick the next day. I finally talked myself into fulfilling some of my fatherly duties. A quick bath for Sadie, fresh jammies, more juice. I tried to give her some cereal or a piece of banana, but she didn’t want either. Nor did anything appeal to me. I ached all over and could only imagine she felt the same. No energy to do anything more, I took her into my room and put her on the bed next to me. Both of us slept for hours.
When I awoke, I found she had another runny pooper. Her little bottom was getting sore from all the stool. After cleaning her up, I spread a thick layer of some special cream Annie paid a fortune for long ago and diapered her. We cuddled for a couple minutes, then she wanted to get down and play. I took that as a positive. She must be feeling better, but my butt was still dragging.
Lunchtime. I made myself a boiled egg, toast, and hot chocolate, the meal my mom used to make us kids when we were sick. Sadie wouldn’t even try the egg, but she did eat a little of the toast and some more juice, finishing off the bottle. She had a little applesauce, then we went back to bed and slept most of the afternoon.
A finger poking at my eye woke me. Sadie sat next to me, smiling. “Hi, Da!” she bubbled, then ran on with a bunch of babble I didn’t understand, but I had to chuckle. Someone felt better. I pulled myself up and put her on the floor. She took off like a sprinter at the sound of the pistol.
Both of us ate a little supper, and later that night I called Lacey. I told her about our illnesses and assured her we were on the mend. If it were humanly possible, I would be there on Friday. It seemed hard to believe our visit was only three days away. My stomach had butterflies just thinking about it. Or was I going to puke again? One of the two.
Shifting off the couch, I went into the bedroom and found my duffel. I started sorting through my clothes. Lacey told me dress casual, to bring jeans and maybe shoes suitable for walking or hiking. If she already knew what we were going to be doing, she didn’t share it with me. I needed to pack up Sadie’s things, too, which meant throwing a load of her clothes in to wash. Suddenly exhausted, I decided it could wait. I turned off the lights, set the alarm, and went to bed.
Our bodies slowly shifted back to normal. Up at the crack of dawn, we ate breakfast and fell right into our regular routine. It felt so good to feel good again. Sadie was bright-eyed and her usual busy self as I wrestled toys out of her hands and tried to get her to hold still long enough for me to dress her. After the third time she kicked her shoes off, I shoved them in the diaper bag. Picking her up in one arm and the bag in the other, I grabbed my lunch bag and headed out the door.
The next two days passed in a flash. Friday, around eleven, I brought Sadie to Mom’s place, and she took me to the airport for my twelve-thirty flight. I said good-bye to her in the car. Hauling Sadie in to wait with me would be pointless. Mom had tears in her eyes when I leaned over to kiss her cheek.
“Mom—I’ll be fine. Quit worrying.” Trust me, I’m doing enough of that for both of us! My insides were in knots, and I asked myself once more: what the hell was I doing? Opening the door next to Sadie, I bent down and smacked her a noisy kiss on her neck, making her squeal. “I love you, Sadie Ann. You be a good girl for Grandma and Papa, okay?” After grabbing my bag off the seat, I closed the door, my heart aching. I waved as they drove away, then headed inside.
It took so much courage to finally just get on the plane. Guilt followed me, this feeling I was betraying Annie’s memory. I finally took my wedding band off right before I left home. Now I rubbed the place on my finger where it used to be.
The only time I ever lied to Annie involved Lacey. It was when I had my ski accident in Vermont and discovered Lacey was my nurse. Annie asked me if I still had feelings for her, and I answered “she was a long time ago”—yeah, she was, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t feel anything. Because a part of my heart would forever belong to Lacey, my first real love.
Deep down, I didn’t believe Annie would want me to remain alone, but maybe this was too soon. And Lacey, of all people? We were completely different beings now. Am I so pathetic that I have to chase across the country to meet a woman? One that nearly destroyed me once. God! I listened to my music and kept my face buried in a magazine, hoping no one could see the war raging inside me.
The flight was uneventful. I picked up the rental and started the drive toward Montpelier. Bright daylight bathed the serene surroundings, sunny and warm. A blue sky, soft puffy clouds, mountains all around, it was beautiful. To try to calm my nerves, I kept taking deep breaths. My palms sweated, and my fingers trembled while my parched mouth longed for a cold drink of water or something much stronger.
We were meeting at a restaurant on Main Street. I’d put the address in my phone, and the pleasant voice rattled off directions as I drove. When I pulled into town, I had forty-five minutes to spare. The restaurant was easy enough to find. I went there first. The motel was maybe five minutes from there. I checked in and immediately jumped into the shower.
After slipping on dark-brown cotton pants, I stood at the mirror while I concentrated on my hair. I’d gotten it cut this week. The hairdresser left it a little longer on the sides, long enough to have a part and comb it to the side on top. Fumbling with the comb, I shook my hands in front of me. “Come on, quit shaking!”
Stepping back a little, I took in the view of my naked chest, nodding to myself. The working out and running had a few physical benefits, as well as helping me keep sane. I would never pass as a body builder, but I was lean and firm. Grabbing my shirt, I slipped it on, a lighter brown button-down with fine beige lines in a sort of plaid pattern. After tucking it in, I forced a smile as I lifted my chin and tried to look confident. Then I laughed for real. If this was the face of confidence, then I was in big trouble. After leaving the bathroom, I slipped my feet into sneaker-style distressed leather shoes and bent to tie them. Glancing at the clock next to the bed, I noticed it was time to go.
Stuffing my billfold in my back pocket, I grabbed my jacket and keys. Before I left that room, I closed my eyes and prayed. “God, I hope I’m doing the right thing here. I hope this isn’t disrespecting Annie and what we had. I love her, and I miss her. Just please let this be okay.” My exhaled breath shook with the rest of me. I opened the door and left.