Chapter 3
The longest four days of my life finally ended when we decided to resume our normal routines on Monday morning, post-miscarriage. I reluctantly went back to Madison, and Annie went to school. In the ensuing three weeks, I called Annie every night, sometimes in the morning, too, and texted in between. Twice, I made the trip home during the week, which meant I missed work at my part-time job at the coffee shop and lost out on sleep. I’d make up a lame excuse, but I needed to check on her, and she knew it.
She was functioning, but seemed a little off to me. The apartment was clean. She cooked and showed affection, but her smile never quite reached her eyes which lacked the shine they’d always had. The wedding plans shifted to the back burner, or maybe completely off the stove. She never even mentioned it. Nor had she done anything to move forward, her planner hadn’t been touched for weeks, and there remained a mountain of tasks to complete.
With a tremble in my stomach one mid-November evening, I asked her, “Annie—do you still want to get married?”
She flicked her glance to me as her mouth fell open. “Well, of course I do! Why do you ask?”
I cocked my head, measuring how to answer without upsetting or hurting her. The bridal party was set. Pete and my brothers on my side and Annie asked Pete’s wife, Julie, our sister-in-law, Sheri, her roommate from college, Mia, and her cousin, Gracie. I was by no means an expert on wedding planning, but I knew it took months to order her gown and the bridesmaids’ dresses, and then they needed to be fitted. None of that was even started.
“You haven’t brought it up in weeks. There’s a lot that we still need to decide, and nothing’s getting done. If it’s too much, too soon, just tell me. We can move it back or take a break from it all together.”
The strategy didn’t work. I had her crying, again.
“I want to marry you more than anything. I’m stuck in this funk. I’m just not motivated to do anything right now. I miss our baby. I’m sorry.”
My swallow was audible as I held her. “I miss him, too. You don’t ever need to be sorry.” Finally, my hands kneaded her shoulders. “If there’s something I can help you with, just ask. I’ll do anything or at least try to.”
She exhaled loudly. “My mom wants me to come visit her in New York for Thanksgiving. She wants to go dress shopping with me.”
“When did this come up?” One of my hands moved to her neck, working the tight muscles there.
“That feels wonderful, babe.” Her eyes were closed, and she moved her head side to side, softly sighing. “She called maybe a week ago. I didn’t give her an answer.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, sweets, but I think you should go. Maybe some Mom time is what you need. Besides, I don’t think I’d be much help picking out your dress.” My face puckered for some extra emphasis.
She let out a little snort. “You, my friend, aren’t getting anywhere near my dress until you see me running down the aisle toward you.” Then she actually smiled.
Grinning back at her, I kissed her head. “You’re gonna run down the aisle?” She nodded and received another kiss. “I love you. You should talk to your mom.”
~ ~ ~
Friday evening, the day after Thanksgiving, I got a call from Annie in New York, her voice strong and animated. “You aren’t going to believe it, Mike. I found it today! My perfect dress! It’s so beautiful. I can’t wait for you to see it!” The upward lilt was back in her voice, her giggle returned, and my spirits lifted just to hear her almost giddy. I couldn’t resist teasing her.
“Is it a bad omen to find your dress on Black Friday?” I was smiling and hoped she realized that.
“Oh, no, just the opposite—like rain on your wedding day, it’s good luck!”
“And, you’re totally making that up.”
“I know, but it sounds good, don’t you think? You were right. I’m so glad I came to see my mom. And tomorrow I’m meeting up with my cousins for some more serious shopping. Oh, man! I can just imagine your face right now, all scrunched up and concerned about finances. Mom’s treating, no worries.” I took a breath and nodded. She knew me pretty well.
The following night, I went to my parents’ house. I sat on one of the stools at the island counter as my mom shredded cheese while preparing dinner. This was the last night before Annie would be returning. My phone buzzed; it was her.
“Hey! How was today?” I asked, fingers crossed that her good mood from yesterday continued.
“Oh, Mike, I had so much fun! I went shopping and out to lunch with my cousins, Gracie and Chelsea. Those girls are crazy! I can’t wait for you to meet them. What are you up to this evening, besides missing me?”
“I’m watching my mom make her favorite son lasagna.”
Mom rolled her eyes at me.
“That sounds awesome, I love your mom’s cooking. Today I bought something very special for our wedding night—”
“Ooo, can’t wait!” My eyebrows went up with anticipation and so did my heart rate.
“And another something special for tomorrow night when I get home.”
I beamed. She sounded more and more like her old self. “It’s pink and silky, the shorts are really, really short, like they might show a little bit of booty—”
Okay, I bit my lip, grinning as I glanced at my mother who was staring right at me. “Nice.” Trying to be discreet, I turned sideways on the stool, so I wasn’t directly facing the person who gave birth to me.
“The top is like a little shimmery tank, cut really low, so if I’m leaning over you, there isn’t much left for the imagination, skinny little spaghetti straps—”
My face burned. I knew my ears had to be red. I shifted even more as the visual played vividly in my mind. “You’re being pretty quiet, babe—am I getting you a little bothered?”
“A little—yup.” I should’ve just gotten up and walked out of the room, but I really thought she would stop, my little depressed, disengaged fiancée.
“I can almost feel your hands slipping under that top—” she oozed in a sensual rasp. Then she giggled, like she could see my expression, because I was dying. “Are we having phone sex right in front of your mom?”
“Yup—and I should go!”
“I wish I could see your adorable face right now. I bet you’re blushing.” Then she whispered, all sultry, “Are you hard?”
“Yup and yup. I’ll call you later—love you.” I couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. I scrubbed my hand over my face, feeling two eyeballs drilling into my back. Sheepishly, I shifted part way around. My mom wore this simper on her face. Please, don’t say anything. . .
“Your fiancée getting a little frisky on the phone?” She pointed to her face. “You’re blushing pretty good.”
“I’m not having this conversation with you.” Guilty smile and flustered, I walked out of the room, discreetly adjusting my pants, more than a little horny. Talk about embarrassing! Though I had to admit I could hardly wait for Annie to get home.
~ ~ ~
That trip to New York rekindled Annie’s spirit. Her fire was back, for me, for the wedding, for life in general. We sailed through the holidays, and I immersed myself in the final semester of school. The part-time job in Madison was sacrificed. If I wanted to keep my sanity, something had to go. We both settled in to our hectic normal.
For Christmas, Annie’s dad had given us a gift card for a couple of days of skiing and lodging in Upper Michigan. That was how we met, on a ski trip. Our stories vary a little. Shortened version, I accidentally ran her off a ski trail, and she chewed me a new one. And a year later, a skiing accident had landed me in the hospital for five days, so it had actually been a couple of years since we last skied.
Annie had a few days off in early March. It just so happened that my spring break came at the same time. We took a breather from school and the wedding plans, asking Pete and Julie to join us as we headed north.
Thankfully, the roads were clear. Pete drove, as he had the only vehicle that could fit all four of us and our equipment. We pulled into the motel around nine, watched a little TV, drank a little beer, and then I fell asleep. So much for the romance I’d anticipated earlier in the day.
The sound of stomping, or maybe pounding, from somewhere down the hall woke us. Annie grabbed the shower first. I caught a glimpse of the morning weather; it looked great. Highs in the low thirties, a few wispy clouds and little wind.
In the past, I’d skied there with wind chills well below zero. The cold just cut right through you, no matter how many layers you had on. Today would feel like summer in comparison.
After joining the Petroviches for our continental breakfast, we went back to our rooms to finish dressing. We wore sunglasses and light layers. Figuring we both might be a little rusty, I hoped we’d remember, and that Pete and Julie would be patient.
As we pulled into the parking lot, I felt the need to apologize to my little snow bunny. “I know this isn’t exactly what you’re used to, but these are what the mid-westerners call mountains,” I explained, pointing out the window. “It really doesn’t compare with the nice long runs you’re used to skiing out east, but it’s still fun, and the snow is usually pretty good.”
“It’s beautiful here, Mike. I love how the snow just sparkles when the sun hits it right, like millions of diamonds.” We got out of the vehicle. “Besides,” she added, “I’m spending quality time with the love of my life. Who could ask for more?”
Pete groaned at her sappy remark as we opened the back of the SUV to unload it. Annie responded with a little ripple of laughter.
“And I won’t be making any dares this trip, I promise,” she quipped. That referenced the spill I took three years ago, ending with a pole puncture to my gut. She had challenged me to ski a mogul run.
Shaking my head, I leaned a pair of skis up against the back of the car and grabbed her by the upper arms, pushing her backward toward a snow bank. “I haven’t forgotten that one, Annie. I think I still need to get even.” She let out a yelp, and I let her go.
“Huh, you don’t scare me, tough guy.” She quipped, and we tromped up to buy our tickets.
For the first run of the day, Annie insisted we do the easiest one, a green trail. I never would’ve admitted it, but relief washed over me. A little trepidation still resided in my gut after that harrowing experience.
Pete and Julie literally skied circles around us. Annie insisted I go in front of her, so she could copy me. Our friends tired of our slow pace. They sped off ahead. When Annie took a tumble, I climbed halfway up the hill to help pick up her and her equipment. After that, either I followed behind her or stayed right next to her. The jitters eventually left, muscle memory returned, and soon, the four of us chased each other all over the slopes.
Throughout the day, we took turns mixing it up on the lifts. The girls were riding in front of us on a chair that started off really low to the ground. Your skis just glided along on the snow until it finally picked you up into the air. You just had to make sure you kept the tips up a little. But Annie kept gabbing with Julie and laughing. Pete noticed she wasn’t paying attention. He hollered out a warning, “Annie, pick up your skis!”
“What?” She shifted around to look at us, when her tip dug into the snow. The ski twisted off her foot, almost pulling her out of the chair. It stuck straight up right in our path. The lift attendant slowed the cable down, and I grabbed her ski to bring it to the top for her.
Annie freaked out. Once Julie realized her co-rider wasn’t going to tumble out of the lift, she started cracking up. I could hear Annie panicking. “But how am I going to get off with only one ski on?” She looked desperately back at me, as I struggled to stifle my laugh.
“Oh, God, this is going to be good!” Pete chortled.
As we came to the top, the chair stopped for Julie and Annie. Julie slipped out of the chair and scooted down the short steep ramp on her skis without a problem. But Annie put the ski down, hobbling on the other foot, going faster and faster down the incline.
Standing at the bottom was another lift attendant, middle-aged with a graying beard, waiting with his arms outstretched. “I’ve got you, baby! Come to daddy!” He laughed as she hurled toward him, with no control, right into his arms.
A small crowd was watching and everyone cheered as he grabbed her and held on as she regained her balance. She gave him an extra hug of thanks, then joined Julie who squeezed her shoulder. Needless to say, Annie became the brunt of jokes from us the rest of the afternoon.
Our last ride up in the chair, I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her close, placing a kiss on her forehead. “You’re awesome! I think we did almost every run here, and you stayed on your skis all afternoon, even when you lost one. Great job!”
“Thanks, babe! What a super-fun day!”
Back at the motel, we all gathered in our room and quickly did away with a bottle of wine and some cheese and crackers. The majority voted to go sit in the hot tub for a little bit, then go out for dinner. The Petroviches left to get into their swimwear.
Annie and I stayed sitting on the bed, her hand sliding up and down my thigh. When the door closed, I stared into her eyes with my nose right next to hers. Leaning in, I kissed her.
“We need to get our suits on,” she said, smiling. I kissed her again.
“Yup, and I’m going to get you undressed,” I mumbled, with my lips still on hers. She giggled. Getting to my knees, I took hold of the bottom of her dark-blue top, and she leaned forward.
“Oh, you’re so helpful,” she cooed, lifting her arms as I pulled her fleece and the tee underneath it over her head, then reached for her bra. My shirt followed, and I eased down her stretchy black pants. I kissed her belly as I straddled her.
“We’re going to be late. They’re waiting for us.”
“Do you think I care?” I raised my eyebrows and gave her my sexiest smile as I undid my pants. She found the scar on my abdomen and ran her thumb over it with her bottom lip between her teeth.
“Awe, Mike—it might just be the wine, but holy crap, you are so hot!”
“It’s not the wine, Annie. I am a stud,” I whispered and gave her a wicked laugh.
Yes, we were late. It didn’t go unnoticed. I held her hand, and we sauntered down the steps into the steamy water where the other two waited.
“Geez, you guys—you’re lucky that Julie’s looking out for you. I wanted to get the manager and bust into your room!” We just smiled innocently.
After dinner, we went to a bar for a couple of beers to top off the night. We sat at a table near the back with a pitcher of a local craft brew. Julie talked about the trip they’d taken to Hawaii last month.
“Must be nice,” I said, more than a little envious. They both had good jobs, nice cars, and they already had a house. Julie worked as a drug rep and traveled some with her job. Pete programmed computers for the utility company. Julie always wore the latest fashions and her brown, high-lighted hair in the trendiest style. Pete had a confidence and friendliness about him. He and Julie were an item all through high school. And he and I did everything together growing up, school, sports, even worked for years at the same grocery store.
“When are you guys going to start a family—or are you shooting blanks, Pete?” I spouted behind a grin.
He looked wounded. Pete didn’t wear that look often, if ever. He placed his hand on top of Julie’s, who appeared close to tears.
“I didn’t mean anything—” I stammered. Annie stared at me incredulously, her eyes round and accusing. Her hand swatted my leg under the table.
“We can’t have kids, Mike. I have endometriosis. It started in high school. I’ve been told the scarring will pretty much make it impossible to get pregnant. So, we’ll be the fun couple who watches everyone else’s kids.” The talking stopped when her voice faltered, and Pete kissed her hand.
“I’m really sorry. I didn’t know—” Too late to take it back. I swallowed a lump, feeling really small and stupid.
“We might adopt or foster or something—we have options,” Pete added.
For a little while, things were pretty quiet and uncomfortable at our table. Then Annie brought up the ski lift story. From there it went to my infamous tumble on the mogul hill out east, and we were back into our easy conversation mode. In our room later, I got a lecture centered around my insensitivity from Annie, who apparently knew the entire story but never filled me in. Sigh—go figure.
We lucked out with the great weather on Saturday, because Sunday brought freezing drizzle and fog. We skied anyway. After a couple of hours, we were drenched from the rain and sitting on the wet lifts. Our goggles needed windshield wipers, but sharp, icy crystals pelted your eyes if you took them off. We lasted until noon. Once inside, I wrung out my gloves. All of our under-layers looked as if we forgot our Depends when the waterproof ski pants failed, leaving our skin damp, shriveled and half-frozen.
The drive home was slow going, but at least the roads hadn’t slicked up, yet. Needless to say, I didn’t make the drive back to Madison that night.
At about two-thirty in the morning, I woke up when my phone buzzed. Groping for it, I shifted in bed, trying to be careful not to wake Annie. A text from my second oldest brother Paul announced I was uncle to another baby girl.
He’d sent a picture. “Oh—cute!” I whispered. She was all pink and wrinkly, wore a little knit hat in Vikings colors, purple and gold, He better make her a Packers fan if he wants to remain in the family! Right away I knew our baby gift would be something green and gold. Annie shifted, then sat up, looking at me.
“What are you doing, Mike?” I held my phone for her to see.
“Aw, so sweet.” Her hand pressed against her mouth, and I pulled her into my chest and held her. Sometimes our loss still felt so raw.
~ ~ ~
It became almost an obsession for Annie to go see the new baby. I figured they would be having her baptized. We’d be expected for that, but Annie didn’t want to wait. Thankfully, they decided to bring her our way to show her off to the grandparents and the rest of us.
Paul and Emily stayed at Mom and Dad’s place. They came on Saturday and would be heading home already on Sunday. Mom invited us over for dinner Saturday evening. Everyone would be there: Tom and Sheri with their girls, Mark with or without a girl-friend, and us.
We took turns passing around Savannah, the star of the day. At three weeks old, her features had filled out a little. She had very deep-brown eyes and fine lighter brown hair. Her cry was so quiet, dainty, like her, though she hardly squawked at all the whole time we were there.
Annie did more than her share of doting. Emily even invited Annie to come visit her in the bedroom while she sought out some privacy to nurse the baby. Annie seemed to be handling it very well, all smiles and lots of love for her new little niece.
On the way home, she stared out the window of the car with her knuckles pressed against her mouth. “Hon, you okay?” I asked, squeezing her leg just above the knee.
“I’ll be fine. You realize Little One was due now, don’t you?” She turned toward me. Wet streaks ran down her face.
I nodded, sharing her pain. I didn’t know what else to say, so I just kept my hand on her leg. She covered it with hers, holding tight.