Chapter 15
The six weeks off work came to an end. I was both thankful and regretful. At times, the days seemed endless, followed by even longer, lonely nights. Sadie and I had gotten into a pattern of sorts. She usually ate around eleven, then sometime between two and three in the wee hours, so I got a fair amount of sleep. I loved her completely from the very first moment, and I loved her even more now. Leaving her in the care of complete strangers all day bothered me immensely.
Due at work for 6:30, I wasn’t sure how much time I would need to get the baby ready. I was up at five. Sadie was still sleeping, so I showered and ate a couple pieces of toast, then made a sandwich for my lunch. Mixing up several bottles of formula, I shoved them into a separate little cooler with an ice pack. I must have looked at my watch fifty times.
Finally, I had to wake Sadie. She was not a happy girl! She cried and cried while I changed her and slipped her into a clean one-piece. When I finally got her to take a little of her bottle, she spit up on my shirt, and I had to change it. The longer she fussed, the more nervous I got. She was still crying when I put her in the car. On the way to Miles of Smiles Center, she fell asleep, and I blew out a breath as I pulled into the parking lot. Glancing at the clock on the dash, I saw it was 6:29. I was going to be late on my first morning back! With tears in my eyes, I kissed her little round cheek and handed her over along with all her gear, then hurried out before I crumbled to pieces.
Independent Engineering flipped into the summer schedule, where we worked ten-hour days with Fridays off. Dalton kept me informed about the projects we were working on, but I felt so out of the loop on the whole medical device scenario. Walking in now seemed very much like my first day, except I knew my coworkers. Stopping first in the office to apologize for being late, I joined Dalton and the others. I got a few slaps on the back followed by a couple of one-armed hugs, then it was business as usual.
The day went okay. Keeping busy proved a good distraction, but near the end, I remembered there wouldn’t be anyone waiting for me to come home. Well, yeah, Sadie, but . . . On the drive over to the center, I wondered how she’d done. From my call at noon, I’d learned she was asleep. At least she hadn’t cried the entire day.
I walked in as a mom pushed past me with little ones tugging on each of her arms. Making my way to the infant area, I saw Sadie relaxing in the arms of Teisha, one of the workers. Her baby blues locked with mine as I reached for her. “Well, hello, Sadie Ann! How was your day?” I babbled in my high, baby-friendly voice. One side of her mouth tipped up in a sort of smile. I stroked her cheek with my finger and kept yapping at her, and both sides of her mouth curled up. First time she had a real, on-purpose smile for her daddy! My heart melted as I hugged her. Easily the highlight of my day, week, and month.
Falling back into the routine of work wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I didn’t get my leisurely cup of coffee before leaving in the morning or get to come home and decide if I wanted to help with dinner, do something else, or nothing at all. The baby came first, and that was okay.
~ ~ ~
My birthday came and went. Mom made me chocolate cake and we went over for dinner. At twenty-four, I felt old, worldly, weary, and just hanging on. When I was there, Mom brought up having Sadie baptized. I hadn’t been back in church since the funeral, still struggling with all of that. Annie would want her christened, of that much I was fairly certain.
On Friday morning, I stopped by the church and found Pastor Ken in his office. We spoke for a few moments about the baptism. I requested he do it after the service. I just couldn’t face dealing with a full sanctuary. We arranged it for the first Sunday in July. I let the family know they could come if they wanted. I’d throw some brats on the grill after. And I called Margo. I wasn’t sure if she’d make the effort, being such short notice, and I didn’t know how involved she intended to be in her granddaughter’s life. We tried to talk every Sunday night. She always asked how I was coping and wanted to know everything about our Sadie.
“I’d love to come, Mike. Thanks for asking me!” She sounded delighted. When she called me back that same evening, she told me she had her plane tickets. “Mike, I know I didn’t bring Ann up in a very religious setting, but she was baptized. I kept the little dress she wore, and I was wondering if maybe Sadie could wear it for hers?”
“Oh, you know what? I’d like that very much! Thanks for offering.”
~ ~ ~
From the time I came back to work, I noticed Callie seemed to be gone on a fairly regular basis. Dalton told me she was finagling her way into the operations in the medical device company, hoping to be a liaison between us and them. So she would spend time in Milwaukee every couple of weeks. When she was at our facility, it was the same old stuff: her flirty conversation, the foot rubbing my calf under the table at lunch, lingering touches. I still found it annoying, but in my current state of numbness, I couldn’t react in any way but to ignore her.
Baptism weekend became a frantic dash, from cleaning up the house, to getting groceries and preparing to feed a houseful of people. Thankfully, Margo spent almost the entire day Saturday with Sadie, freeing me up to do other things. While Sadie napped, she made a big bowl of coleslaw and another dessert to go with the cake Mom was bringing.
On Sunday morning, Margo came over and helped bathe Sadie and get her dressed for her big day. As she worked the chubby little arms of my daughter into the long, lacy dress, she never stopped smiling, except to dab away a couple of tears.
“She reminds me so much of her mother,” she said, smoothing a hand over Sadie’s soft, fuzzy head.
“Yeah, I know,” I stated wistfully. “I miss her every day, Margo, I do.”
With Sadie balanced in one arm, she put a hand on my face. “Mike, I know it’s way too soon now, but Ann wouldn’t want you to be alone forever.”
“Oh, I can’t even imagine—”
“Maybe not yet, Mike, but someday. You’re very young. It would be a shame for you to not move on with your life. Ann loved you so much, and she’d want you to be happy. Just know that you have my blessing. Find someone wonderful who you and Sadie can love. She would want that.”
With tears in my eyes, I couldn’t speak, answering with my nod.
Sadie Ann became a child of God. My little angel was a quiet observer through the whole thing. Tom and Sheri took the role of her godparents. It was a lovely day. Margo hogged the baby most of the time. At least she let Paul and Em have a turn at holding her. It was only their second time seeing her. Hard to believe their little Savanah already toddled around, trying to keep up with the big kids.
Margo’s flight out was for three-fifty. After she left, I put Sadie down. Taking a breather for just a minute on the couch, I immediately fell asleep. My mom and Sheri cleaned up the last of the dishes. A hand on my shoulder woke me.
“Everything is picked up, and the dishes in the dishwasher are clean. We’re leaving now.”
Embarrassed, I stood up. “Mom, I didn’t mean to stick you with the clean-up.”
“Yes, you did,” Sheri quipped, smiling. “I remember what it was like when the girls were babies. I know how exhausted you are. Get your breaks when you can. We all understand.”
“Well—thanks for the help and for being godparents.”
~ ~ ~
The rest of the summer was a blur. Once fall came, we reverted back to the five-day work week. As Sadie got a little older, she stayed up for longer periods, but she also slept better. By September, she made it through the night for the first time. She was becoming so much more expressive, going from staring at her hands in front of her face, to picking up her little toys to examine them. She smiled at me all the time, big joyful grins. I found it impossible to look at her and not smile, too. She held her head up and rolled from her tummy to her back, making her either right on target or a little ahead when it came to acquiring the basic skills. I survived her first vaccination shots, and so did she.
Sadie’s face was still very round, her eyes that brilliant blue, her lips so soft, fragile, like Annie’s. The hair was thickening a little and growing, still a dark coppery color. I’d heard sometimes it changes, but I really hoped it would keep the red hue. Time would tell.
We started baby cereal in October, and her reaction was like, what took you so long? She loved it. She learned to sit up by herself and could scoot around on the floor, usually headed backwards.
My mom suggested getting Sadie’s six-month picture. Reluctantly, I dressed her up in a ruffly little frock and took her to a place in the mall. The gal taking the pictures had a knack for getting smiles out of a baby who screamed all the way over. I so appreciated that.
Then she started trying to coax me to take one with her. After saying “no” four times, I found myself sitting on this stool with Sadie on my lap. I leaned down talking to her and she reached up to put her hand on my chin as she looked into my eyes. Click. She got the perfect shot. I ended up buying a bunch for the grandmas and an eleven-by-fourteen for us. Ours joined the one of the three of us I had made and put on the wall in Sadie’s room. Our little family, minus one.
We went for runs several times a week. As the weather got colder, I just bundled Sadie up more. We became a little more social, spending time with family and friends, either at our place or theirs. Life slowly began to feel—well, normal.
One Sunday, I invited the Strebachs and the Petroviches over for the football game. I made pulled pork sandwiches in the crockpot, thanks to a couple of calls to my mom for directions. We had chips and snacks, and both the wives brought a dish. Sadie ate her lunch first, and I gave her the bottle as the others started to help themselves. When she finished, I got a plate of food and joined everyone else in the living room. Sadie and Finn were doing their own thing as the game dominated most of the conversation, at least for us guys.
A short while later, Sadie started to cry. As I picked her up, a warm, squishy something met with my arm. Turning her over, I saw that she had pooped. It seeped out the top of her diaper and pants.
Lucy tromped up from the basement with the outfit Sadie had been wearing draped over the side of a pail. “Everything is rinsed out, even her shoes. They’re in the pail. Just let them dry. Wash these clothes the next time you do laundry. They’ll be good as new.”
As I held Sadie, who was once again all smiles bundled in a soft-footed sleeper, I said, “Well, that was a pretty shitty mess!”
“No shit!” Pete chimed in.
“No, not no shit—lots of shit!” Dalton added as everyone joined in the laughter.
Julie threw in, “Holy shit, guys, enough already!”
Even I had to smile. “I never knew a little thing like this could do all that!” I brought Sadie’s head up to where I could kiss her.
“For a minute there, I thought you were going to lose it, Mike. Well done,” Lucy said, giving me a pat on the back.
“It was a team effort,” I replied. “You don’t think she’s sick, do you?”
“No, she isn’t fussy or feverish. Shit happens.” Another round of chuckles, another crisis navigated and survived.
Everyone gravitated back to the game. Staying behind to help with cleaning up the kitchen, Julie said, “It was nice to see you smile again. It’s been a long time.”
“Still doesn’t feel right.”
“But it’s what you need to do. You used to be fun to be around.”
“Sorry if I’m not entertaining enough for you.”
“Mike, come on. That’s not what I’m saying. Your whole life is the baby now. You don’t take time just to have fun. You need to get out.”
Becoming a little defensive, I protested, “I’m not ready to get into the dating scene.”
Julie leaned against the counter. “I’m not even talking about that. You need to go out for a night with Pete. Have a couple of beers, play darts, or whatever it is guys do. Laugh a little. Think about it. I’ll watch Sadie for you.”
“I’ll think about it.”
~ ~ ~
On a Friday night in the second week in November, Pete and I took Julie’s advice and went to shoot some pool and drink some beers. It’d been so long since we’d done that. I’d forgotten about the dim lighting and the smell of stale alcohol synonymous with bars. My eyes adjusted after a few seconds. We made our way to the back by the pool tables and grabbed one of those high tables with two tall stools, setting down the pitcher of beer and mugs. I grabbed a cue as Pete racked up the balls.
The beer went down easy. We played one game, then another. Once I got warmed up, we were pretty evenly matched. Pete slowed way back on the brewskis, since he was going to drive, but I refilled the pitcher.
“Hey,” Pete said, his hand on my back as I bent over the table to line up my shot, “you have an audience.”
Looking up, there stood a smiling Callie. Dressed in jeans and a tight pink button-down shirt, she gave me a little wave, and I shook my head.
“Callie, what a surprise seeing you here!” The sarcasm dripped from my words. She had been at lunch when I was telling Dalton about my plans for the evening. Dragging a disinclined Pete over to her, I introduced them.
After pulling up another stool to our table, Pete went to the bar to get her a glass. Again, she leered at me and kind of petted my arm. Our eyes connected for a moment. A bit of warmth worked its way through me when I turned my attention back to the game—the alcohol or Callie? I wasn’t sure.
The longer the night went on, the closer Callie maneuvered herself to me. For a while, Pete seemed to be encouraging it, but then he changed his mind. Out of nowhere, his palm was on my shoulder, and he leaned in. “Well, buddy, I think it’s time we call it a night.”
I sat on the stool, and Callie stood just between my knees, close enough that I could feel her heat and smell her citrusy perfume. Over her shoulder, I said, “I’m not ready to leave yet.”
“Come on, Mike. I promised Julie. Besides, I’m your ride.”
“Dude, get lost!” I snarled at him. His eyes narrowed at Callie as he wagged his head at me, mouthing WTF? With his eyebrows pulled together and forehead creased, he raised up his hands, backing off.
We watched him leave as Callie moved closer. Next, her hand was resting high on my thigh, and she had this wanton look on her face. My hand crept around her back, where my fingers slid back and forth along the band of her jeans. Easing in, our lips touched. I hungrily came back for more.
“Are you finally going to stop running from me, Mike?” she asked, her hand coming up to my face, a finger touching my lips.
Giving her a smile, I kissed her again, then growled, “Let’s get out of here.”
The next thing I knew, a grip on my upper arm squeezed hard enough to hurt. Yanked off the stool, I stood face-to-face with Pete. “You’re coming with me! If I have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you out, I will!”
“Pete! Leave me the fuck alone!”
Callie just stood there enthralled, judging by her round eyes and half-grin.
“I can’t. You have a baby girl to think about, and you’re acting like an ass. Now move it! We’re out of here!” He pointed me toward the door, giving me a shove. I stumbled a few steps until he put his arm around my waist. Next to the car, he finally let go of me. I was pissed, taking a swing at him. He ducked, then swore at me as he dumped me into the back seat. Somewhere in my alcohol-soaked brain, his reminder about my daughter struck a chord.