Chapter 17
“Happy Birthday, dear Sadie, Happy Birthday to you!” We all sang enthusiastically as Sadie beamed from her high chair at the dining room table. Everyone was there. Friends, the entire family, we all rallied around big events like this.
Grandma Margo made the trip again to Nicolet Harbor. She brought a shopping bag full of little gifts, but her biggest present didn’t come with her. She’d ordered a play set to be installed in our nice empty yard. Sadie was a little young, but she’d grow into it, and in the meantime, her friends and cousins would put it to use.
Being the center of attention was Sadie’s favorite role. She sat smiling and pounding her fists as the cameras clicked and her cake came out. I placed it just out of her reach and tried to get her to blow out the candle. Try as she might, she didn’t have enough wind for it to carry to the single candle. “That’s okay, sweetie,” I said and helped her out as everyone cheered.
Sadie’s eyes were bright, gorgeous crystal-blue, and they sparkled. Her little cheeks very round and kissable. She had a smattering of fair freckles like her mom. She was smart and had learned long ago that she had Daddy wrapped right around her finger. If I scolded her, she would babble something at me then give me that almost shy smile, and I would turn into putty.
Her fine auburn hair finally came down a little on her forehead, and the sides were filling in a bit. Still way too short to have to bother about doing something with it. I’d look at the long hair on my nieces and wonder how I would deal with that. Just like everything else, I would learn.
Mom put the bib on Sadie Ann, covering her from her neck to knees. Good thing too, because next I gave her a little cupcake that matched her big cake, decorated with pink frosting and colorful balloons. She pointed at it and said, “Oh, oh!” then a couple of unintelligible things. After touching it with her pointer finger, she tasted the frosting, then grabbed the whole thing with both hands and brought it up to her face, squeezing. From the amount of frosting and crumbs on her face, bib, tray, and floor, I didn’t think much made it to her mouth. She was having a great time, and the clean-up was my least concern.
We all ate cake, then I opened her presents while she played with the bows and wrapping paper. Several hours later, I tried to get her to sleep. She usually didn’t cry when I put her down for her naps, but she whined and carried on until one of the grandmas rocked her. It had been a big day for me, too. When everyone left, I flopped down on the couch and just vegged for a while.
When I went to bed, the weight of the entire last year swooped down on me. I felt it lingering out there, waiting for the right opening to come in and consume me. Laying in the fetal position with my knees pulled up and my forearms crossed over my ribs, I wept. So much had been held at bay for so long. I sobbed unashamedly and for a time, unable to stop. I miss her! My wife, my lover, my best friend. I am so damned tired of feeling this emptiness. Will it ever get better? I ached everywhere for her.
~ ~ ~
A couple of weeks later, I needed to pick up Sadie from Julie’s. My dad was working on a project, and he needed my help in the evening. Mom was away visiting Paul and Em, so I asked Jules to help me out with the baby. She’s one year old now, guess she’s not a baby anymore. Good practice for Jules, I told her when I called.
They were in the backyard. Sadie chased Pete around with a ball while Julie watched from a step on the deck. Pete stopped long enough to fetch me a beer, and Sadie looked totally forlorn until he resumed playing with her. She ignored me completely.
Perusing Julie up and down, I commented, “Nice shirt,” as I sat next to her on the step.
She smiled sadly. “I know. I always loved it on Annie.”
When I found out Jules was expecting, I offered her Annie’s maternity clothes. In fact, I told her to take whatever she wanted. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of her things then, and I still hadn’t.
“Me too,” I said, staring off. Out of nowhere, Sadie came charging at me and tripped. I caught her just before her face smacked into the corner of the step. Picking her up into my lap, I gave her a hug, but she wiggled to get down again and took off after Pete.
“Mike, I have a bit of information for you,” Julie said. I couldn’t quite read the look on her face. It wasn’t like her to be coy or mysterious.
“Oh yeah? What?”
“Well, I was going through my friends list on Facebook. You know, just cleaning it up.” She was trying to choose her words carefully. Jules usually just blurted things out.
“And?” I prodded.
“I noticed Lacey changed her status to single again. Last time I looked, she was engaged.”
I set my bottle of beer back down on the step below me without taking the sip I was going for. “You still keep in touch with her?”
“We did for a while, though not lately.”
“And you’re telling me this, because?”
“No reason, just an FYI.”
“Like I care.”
“Just putting it out there.”
“She broke my frickin’ heart into little pieces then stomped on it, Jules. Why would you think I’d want anything to do with her? Or vice versa.”
She appeared thoughtful, a wistful smile on her face. “See, that’s the thing I could never quite figure out. I know for a fact that she liked you. She really, really liked you, Michael.”
I rolled my eyes. Lacey always called me Michael.
“It never made sense to me why she dumped you except that you were practically still in diapers.”
I shook my head. “This conversation is a waste of breath. It’s never going to happen.”
“Mike, you were so happy with her. What would it hurt to send out a hello?”
My head was still wagging back and forth. “That was another lifetime ago. We’ve both moved on. Let’s talk about something else, like what are you getting me for my birthday?” As quickly as the exchange started, it veered off in another direction.
Lacey and I had met when I was eighteen and going through a rough time in my life. An ex-girlfriend had accused me of being the father of her baby. I wasn’t, but my parents had sided with her—a long, complicated story. Lacey was divorced and had a little boy. She had listened to me and didn’t judge me. Though neither of us had set out for it to happen, we became involved. Truth was, I had fallen in love with her fast and hard and had believed she felt the same for me. Things had only gotten worse for me at home. I’d ended up being kicked out. When that happened, I’d given up my plans for college to get back at my dad. I’d decided that all I needed in order to have a full life was Lacey. Shortly after that, she’d dumped me. So yeah, it did not end well with us. Why would I want to open up old wounds? I didn’t give it another thought.
~ ~ ~
Time would somehow get away from me when it came to scheduling Sadie for her twelve-month check-up. We were three weeks late. I took an afternoon off work and picked up Sadie. Our visit was for two-fifteen. We were taken by the assistant to the exam room, and by now, I knew the drill. I stripped her down to her diaper, then let her walk around and explore until Dr. Laura came in.
Dr. Laura stopped abruptly after closing the door and stooped down next to Sadie. “Well, look at this big girl! How are you Miss Sadie?”
Sadie smiled at her and grabbed the stethoscope that dangled from her neck. Dr. Laura let her pull it off and look it over as she talked to me. “How are things going with you two? Sadie looks like she’s doing great!”
“Well, she is, I think. She’s really smart and ahead of other kids her age. But then, I’m her dad, and of course I’d think that. So you tell me.”
After picking Sadie up, I put her on the table. Dr. Laura had her lay down. She stayed very still as Dr. Laura examined her head, but she soon tired of that nonsense and spent the rest of the time trying to escape. Her height and weight were both around the sixtieth percentile, no concerns. Her motor development was excellent, and her cognitive skills impressed both of us. She could say at least twenty words and had hundreds I couldn’t understand. Six teeth were in with another about to make an appearance any day.
“Mike, I have to give you so much credit. You’ve done a wonderful job with her. I can see you two have a really strong bond. She’s a lucky little girl.”
What father wouldn’t like to hear such praise? Then I asked couple of questions about food at this stage, and if she should be off the bottle. I hadn’t done anything that was going to stunt her growth or disintegrate her teeth, after all.
The next round of immunizations were due, all three of them. Oh boy, Sadie started screaming, and I wanted to cry right along with her. She ended up being fussy for the rest of the day. We both went to bed early that night.
The summer schedule went into effect at work. By this time, my mom had long since stopped taking Sadie on a regular basis. Every now and then she would snatch her for the night to give me a break, and I still appreciated it. The wonderful meals my neighbor brought also dwindled. I was left to my own culinary skills. I was getting better. At least my mom stopped telling me how I thin I’d gotten.
The day I turned twenty-five happened to be a Saturday. When Sadie woke up, I brought her in bed with me and coaxed her back to sleep until about eight-thirty. We got up, and I decided we would have pancakes for breakfast. While I was busy mixing the batter and making coffee, Sadie entertained herself by running circles around the island, being her noisy cheerful self.
All at once, there was a loud crash. I whirled around to find Sadie sitting on her side on the floor. Blood spattered the hardwood. At the same time I realized what happened, she started wailing. I swooped her up. Blood ran down the side of her face. I swore it came from her eye and my heart stopped! Once I gathered my wits, I grabbed a clean dish towel and wiped it across her cheek, next to her eye. I found the gash to be closer to her hairline at eye level. The edges were gaping, so I knew this wasn’t a Band-Aid type of injury.
Neither of us were even dressed yet. With her still crying in my arms, I went into the bedroom and slipped off my bottoms, pulling on jeans one-handed. Sliding into flip-flops, I went back to the kitchen and turned off the range before grabbing my keys from the hook by the door.
Every time I peeked at the laceration, it still oozed blood. I pressed the towel back on it and ran with her next door. Betsy answered my incessant knocking. The panic on my face put her on high alert. I asked her if she could ride with us to the hospital. I couldn’t keep pressure on the wound and drive at the same time. She told her husband and followed me back to the car.
My heart didn’t slow down again until the nurse was swabbing the blood out of Sadie’s hair with a warm washcloth. “How did this happen?”
I kissed Sadie’s head as she cuddled against my chest. She finally stopped crying. It seemed like the tenth time I had to recant the story. “A drawer was left open in the kitchen. She ran into it while she was playing. I feel terrible.”
She smiled. “She’s going to be fine. Dr. Rhumaki will have her stitched up good as new.”
“Will she have a scar?”
“I doubt it. She’s so young. This’ll heal up really well.”
Betsy peeked in to say her husband was coming to take her home. I thanked her for her helping.
The doctor came in. Her playful antics made Sadie smile. She and the nurses put her on this board with straps and fastened her down so she couldn’t fight them. I was asked to hold her head still, and four stitches later, we were on our way out. Another first I could’ve done without. Geez!
All the while, I kept imagining that some kind of report was being filed to social services. And due to my outstanding parenting skills, someone would be knocking on my door to take my daughter away. The guilt that I let her get hurt on my watch was real and awful. Instead of going home, I took her over to Mom’s house.
“Happy Birthday! You’re about six hours early for supper.”
Pointing to the Band-Aid on Sadie’s head, I told her the story. “Oh, honey. No one is going to take Sadie away because of an accident. You certainly didn’t leave the drawer open on purpose. We all know that. Stop feeling so bad.” She had taken Sadie, who was eyeing up the cake sitting on the counter. “You’re a wonderful daddy, right, Sadie?”
As if to reinforce exactly what my mom said, Sadie reached her hands toward me and said, “Da, up!” With her little arms around my neck, the knot in my gut let up some.
~ ~ ~
Sitting in bed one night several days later, I rested my laptop on my legs and turned it on. The Facebook icon on the desktop caught my eye, triggering the memory of the conversation Julie and I had regarding Lacey. Hesitating a couple seconds, I mulled it over, then I touched it. Up popped my wall with blurbs from assorted acquaintances who were once a part of my life. Without bothering to read any of the threads, I touched the profile tab. There I was. I had to smile at the picture I’d posted of myself. I was almost eighteen—that was how often I updated anything on this site.
Geez, that kid was so innocent. I’d been sitting on my bed in my room back home. My left hand had held the neck of my guitar, and I’d taken the selfie with the other. My eyes had still sparkled back then, the smiles had come easy and natural, and my summer-streaked, blondish hair hung a little ways down the back of my neck. Everything about my future had already been programmed. Everything there was to know, I’d known, or so I thought. Confidence seeped from me.
What the hell had happened to that kid? Life. Life happened! It had shaken my world, tried to break me. But I’d survived, became stronger. The only thing in my way now was me, afraid of being knocked down again. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, isn’t that what they say? You go, Mike! Pep talk over.
I typed in “Lacey Treveirre.” My breath caught in my throat when her profile came up. Her picture was a summer one. She stood outside, a meadow or something in the background. That blond hair floated in the breeze, her smile as inviting as I remembered. Over-sized sunglasses hid the rest of her face, but from what I could see, she looked good. Her settings wouldn’t let me seek out any other pictures. She apparently still worked at the hospital where I had last seen her years ago. “Huh,” I said to no one.
Back on my profile, I decided to update my picture. If I “friended” her, and she had any interest in confirming it, I wanted her to see a more recent version of me, not the boy she knew back then. Scanning through my photos, I picked them all apart for one reason or another. Dead eyes, fake grin, on and on. I used to be photogenic, or so I was told. These past months I found it hard to smile unless it involved Sadie. And as much as I loved her, I didn’t want her or anyone else in the picture. I didn’t have many shots of just me. No one to take them. Finally, I found one where I had a decent almost-grin, but Sadie was on my lap. After some careful editing and a little remorse, I trimmed my daughter out of the photo, uploading it as my new profile pic.
I went back to Lacey’s homepage. My hand trembled a little. As I went to send out the request, I stopped. Is it that big of a deal? What if she were to reject me another time? There I go again. Oh, what the hell—I tapped on the ‘send request’ button. Letting out a sigh, I settled back into my pillow with my arms behind my head, closing my eyes with the computer still open. In the next instant, I heard a chime. My lids flew open. Oh my God! She accepted. More than my hands were shaking now. My whole body quivered, even my teeth were chattering together. I closed the computer.