Chapter 14
Back in the house, I ran a hand through my hair, glancing around. The place was a disaster. I checked the fridge and found the casserole Mom brought over, though my appetite remained missing. After closing the door, I began gathering up dishes and bottles I’d strewn all over. Who knew a baby went through that many bottles? I filled the dishwasher and turned it on. After wiping off all the counters, I headed to the nursery.
Laundry needed to be done. Sadie’s clothes supply dwindled. Baby apparel and blankets filled the little basket in her room, spilling over onto the floor. I knew more of her things littered the living room and my room, too.
As I collected the scattered baby wear, I went into my room. The bed was in complete disarray. The sheets needed to be changed. Dropping the handful of baby clothes, I started to loosen the fitted sheet on my bed. First one corner, then I grabbed my pillow and slipped the case off. When I picked up Annie’s pillow, I hugged it to my face and breathed in her sugary sweetness. In the next instant, I was laying with my feet off the edge of the bed, the pillow clutched beneath my face and chest as the whole bed shook with my sobs.
Somewhere in there, I crawled the rest of the way onto the bed, because I awoke in the center, curled up with her pillow hugged between my arms and a blanket over me. I bolted upright, panicking about my daughter until I remembered she was at Mom’s house. It was just after six in the evening.
“Oh, geez,” I whispered, feeling guilty that I slept the day away with all the chores I needed to do. But it felt so good! The headache left, and my stomach rumbled. After getting up, I wandered to the kitchen and pulled out the casserole dish, putting it in the microwave. I filled a glass with milk and ate a brownie while I waited. More than half of what probably could have been four meals got devoured, topping it off with another brownie. After that, I emptied the dishwasher.
In the next couple of hours I did three loads of wash, straightened up the rest of the house, and finished changing my bed while leaving Annie’s pillow untouched. Then I vacuumed the area rug in the living room. A stack of mail on the counter had sat unopened, so I perched on a stool and began reading. Several sympathy cards mingled with the bills and advertisements. Then I decided to open the cards collected at the funeral home. Some had checks, some cash, and others just offered tender words, touching my heart. In the end, I collected several hundred dollars with no clue what I was supposed to do with it.
That got me thinking—I should to go to the bank. Annie’s name was on the checking and savings accounts, car loan, and the house. Oh my God! The mortgage was based on two full-time incomes. Placing my forehead in my hands, I let out a groan. How could I possibly keep up with the house payments on my earnings? The feeling of well-being I’d enjoyed for the last few hours vanished. The overwhelming gloom and doom of the past week came back with a vengeance. I could lose my house, my daughter’s home. Suddenly so weary, again, I stood up, leaving everything piled on the counter and going into the living room.
It was so quiet, too quiet. Reaching in my pocket for my phone, I called Mom to check on Sadie. I heard no screaming infant in the background, and she reassured me all was well. Sadie was in the process of finishing her feeding and being spoiled by my dad. After hanging up, I wandered aimlessly. Finally, I pulled on my shoes, grabbed a hoodie, and went outside.
By now the cool, damp, darkness settled in, smelling vaguely of lilacs. It felt good to breathe in the freshness. I started to walk out to the end of the driveway.
My neighbor lady, who I had met once before, trudged up her sidewalk from collecting her mail. “Hello, Mike. Did I see you with a baby the other day? What did you two have?”
“Hi, yup. A little girl, Sadie.”
“Aw, I love it. How is Annie doing?”
My heart plummeted as I shuffled my feet nervously, looking down at them. “Um—Betsy? Annie died the day after the baby was born.”
“Oh, my gosh, Mike! I’m so sorry! I don’t even know what to say.” With tears in my eyes, I just nodded. She gave me a hug, then hurried on her way after mumbling something I didn’t hear, disappearing into her house.
I started down the sidewalk, first walking, then faster, finally picking up to a slow run. My conditioning left a lot to be desired. I knew I wouldn’t go very far. Twenty-five minutes later, I was back in my driveway, bent over with my hands on my thighs, gasping for air, clothing wet with perspiration. At least I did it. After pushing myself, I felt alive. Physical hurt was so much easier to bear. Wiping my forehead on my sleeve, I went straight to the bathroom and stripped, stepping into a hot shower.
As the water streamed over me, it soothed the aching muscles, beating a relaxing rhythm on my head and enveloping me in warmth. I didn’t need to hurry. I scrubbed myself with the clean-smelling soap, then just lingered with my eyes closed, indulging myself for a few more minutes. When I finished, I dug out some fresh bottoms and turned back the comforter on the bed, sliding between the fresh sheets.
Picking up my phone on the night stand, I turned it on, and swiped through some screens until I came to the pictures from when Sadie was born. Though my heart felt like fingers squeezed it in a strangle hold, I looked over each one. Annie was so tickled about the baby that I had to smile, even through the water filling my eyes. I played the video of us undressing Sadie and marveling over everything about her. What a blessing I’d recorded that. Sadie would have that memory of her mother forever. Drying my eyes, I grabbed Annie’s pillow and slept until morning.
~ ~ ~
Come Thursday, I felt eager to face the day. I even shaved. The bags under my eyes disappeared. Slapping on some aftershave, I put on a sports shirt in preparation for going to talk to someone at the bank about finances. First, I called Mom to see how they were doing. She had just put Sadie down for a nap. She told me to take my time and plan to stay for lunch when I picked her up.
At the bank, I found I needed to bring in an official death certificate before we could do the necessary paperwork to get all the accounts and the house in my name. So long as I made the effort to keep up with the payments, the house was secure. Unfortunately, I couldn’t refinance or anything to reduce the payments, as I had no equity in the home. With my meager savings and a tight budget, I could squeak by—living exactly the way I told Annie I absolutely did not want to have to live. Life sucks, deal with it.
The courthouse provided me with several copies of her death certificate, then I went over to my mom’s house. Sadie lay on a blanket with a contraption of colorful bobbles hanging over her. She just looked around with a thoughtful expression on her face.
On my hands and knees, I bent over her. “Hi, Sadie girl. I missed you!” Her little hand moved up to her mouth. I took it in mine and kissed her fingers, then her cheek and neck. Standing up, I looked at Mom. “So, how did it go?”
“What an angel, no problem at all. And look at you! I can tell you got some rest. You look so much better!” Her thumb rubbed across my whisker-less jaw, bringing a little grin to my face. It felt so wrong to smile in light of everything. “I’ve been thinking, Mike. I’d like to take her every week like this to give you a day to yourself. It would be good for you and give us a chance to spoil her even more.”
But just this year, she had cut her hours to three days a week. “Mom—I can’t ask you to do that. These are your days off, and you should be doing something for yourself.”
“It’s a totally selfish request. Trust me, we adore her.” Willing to at least consider it, I nodded.
After a lunch of mixed greens, shrimp salad, and tomato soup, I brought Sadie home. Mom taking her off my hands was exactly what I needed, though I hated to admit it. The replenishing of my spirit, even if only temporary, gave me the strength to forge on.
Friday morning was Sadie’s first doctor visit. Carefully, I washed every crevice and fold, then dressed her in her cutest one-piece outfit. Frazzled, I dashed around the house, making sure I had everything I might need for our big outing. How well she was doing directly correlated to the care I gave. I sure was praying for a good report.
In the doctor’s office, the nurse asked me to undress Sadie. She looked her over, weighed her, measured her, and then gave her back to me wrapped in her blanket until Dr. Laura Milston arrived to examine her. The nurse told me her weight was right where it should be, and she’d regained what she lost right after birth.
Dr. Laura reminded me of my mom. She definitely had some experience behind her. Her medium-length, dark-blond hair was pinned back to the side in loose curls. Short and stocky, she wore a perpetual smile. I got the sense right away that she had a lot of empathy for my situation. She took Sadie from me, placing her on the table, and began her assessment.
While she worked, she asked me questions. It never felt accusing, more as a teaching thing. She chuckled when I hauled out the wrinkled note pad where I’d recorded almost every feeding.
“You don’t need to do that, Mike. We’ll know by her weight if she’s eating enough, but good job!” She told me I could get her dressed.
Everything checked out. Sadie’s reflexes were appropriate, she didn’t like the cold stethoscope, she should start her shots at two months, and she told me the emergency situations I’d need to have checked out. Then she asked, “Are you getting any rest?”
I smiled, shaking my head as I snapped her onesie. “It’s harder than I thought. My mom took her overnight Wednesday. I finally got a chance to catch up.”
“It’s really important you take advantage when people offer to help. You’re only one person, and your well-being should be a priority. For now, congratulations, Mike. You’re doing a super job with her. Keep up the good work, it will get easier.”
Relief!
When we got home, I noticed a message on my phone from the principal at Annie’s school. She informed me I needed to contact the school district office. They had paperwork for me to sign and a box of things they cleared out of Annie’s desk. I set up an appointment for the following week.
Late Sunday morning, I answered a knock on the door with Sadie in my arms. Standing there, with food containers in their hands, were Betsy and her ten or eleven-year-old daughter.
“I was wondering if we could bribe you with food so we can see the baby. I felt so bad the other night, Mike.”
I smiled. “You didn’t need to do that. You can see her any time.” I asked them in, bringing them back to the kitchen so I could put the food in the fridge.
“Alexa made the cookies,” she said as she emptied her hands and stretched them out for the baby.
“Thanks, Alexa—both of you, everything looks wonderful.” A large container with pasta and a breaded chicken breast matched a smaller one with salad and a plate with peanut butter cookies. My mouth watered in anticipation.
“Isn’t she just the cutest thing?” she said to Alexa. “Do you mind if she holds her?”
With my permission, they did the exchange. Sadie had been sleeping, but thanks to all the jostling around, her eyes opened extra wide with the new face peering into hers. “In a couple of years, maybe you’d want to babysit for her,” I suggested, tickling Sadie under the chin. “I think she’d like that. Look at the way she’s looking at you.”
Betsy laughed. “Hey, your first job offer! I plan to bring you a meal every now and then. I figured it’s something I can do to help out. And Lance said to let him and Aiden know if you need a hand with the yard work or anything. It must all seem pretty overwhelming.”
“I appreciate it. I’m learning as I go.” I took Sadie, and they started for the door with me trailing behind. “Thanks again. I’ll bring back the empty dishes.” Remembering what the doctor said about accepting help, I just tried to be gracious.
That afternoon I threw the not-yet-used, tricked-out, high-end stroller that Annie had picked out into the trunk of the car. I exchanged it for a jogging stroller. They offered several to choose from. Sadie appeared indifferent, so I got one that seemed to collapse the easiest. We brought it home and tried it out—perfect!
~ ~ ~
Those few weeks were quite the struggle. In a way, I could relate to how a recovering addict must feel: Hello, my name is Michael and it’s been four days since I cried.
On Tuesday afternoon, the meeting took place with the Lydia Buntin, the person from the school district. I’d never been to the district office building, located close to downtown and near several other public offices. Parking was not very convenient. I found a place a block away and walked briskly, swinging a sleeping Sadie in her carrier next to my knee.
I gave the receptionist my name, and immediately she took me down a long hall with numerous offices on either side. Lydia sat at her desk and stood up to shake my hand. Placing Sadie on a chair next to me, I waited for Lydia to stop ogling the baby and get on with what she brought me here to do.
“She’s adorable.”
I nodded and forced a smile.
“Mike, I just want to go over some details with you. First, Annie’s last paycheck. How do you want to handle that final payment? Then there’s the matter of the life insurance policy she took out through the school.”
My ears perked up. Annie never told me she had life insurance, or if she did, I wasn’t listening. “The company will be in contact with you. I think they need verification of death before you get payment from them.”
“Sure,” I affirmed, thinking maybe twenty-five or fifty-thousand. Anything would help. “Do you have any idea how much insurance she had? I don’t even remember anything about it.”
She opened a file on top of her desk and skimmed over a couple of pages before she came to the answer. “Here it is, $250,000, payable upon death.”
My mouth fell open. “What? Really? Oh my God!” Putting my face in my hands, I sucked in a breath and broke my now six-day streak of no crying. I had been so worried about how I was going to make the house payments and pay for daycare and everything else. A giant weight lifted from my shoulders. “I’m sorry.” I brushed at my face. “I really wasn’t expecting this. One last surprise from my Annie—”
Blotting at her eyes, too, Lydia spoke, “And, the whole school took up a collection for you and Sadie. Here’s a gift card. It’s got just over a thousand dollars on it. We know how expensive diapers and formula can be, so this should help—whatever you want to use it on.”
Reaching out a tremulous hand, I took it, and she squeezed my arm. “Thank you,” I squeaked out. “I have no words to tell you how much it means to me. Annie touched so many lives, and they obviously cared so much for her. It warms my heart.”
Before I left, she gave me a cardboard box of Annie’s personal things that were removed from her desk. We hugged. With the box tucked under one arm and Sadie in the other, I left, heading straight over to my parents’ house with the astounding news.