Chapter Twenty-Four
Annie – Saturday
It took me a while to work out what was going on, to figure out why Justin was going to the police station rather than the hospital to visit his brother after an accident, but as it became crystal clear, I felt awful. Garrett had clearly caused an accident, possibly even hurt other people…and I knew that I needed to be there for Justin.
There might not have been a whole lot that I could do, but I had to at least try. If he shut me down or pushed me away, that was fine, I would understand that, but I didn’t want to just do nothing.
I had waited outside the nearest police station I could find for him to come out. I kept contemplating going inside, just to check that he was still there, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to do it.
There was something about police stations that would always creep me out. I knew the officers in there only had the public’s best interests at heart, I knew they only wanted to help people, but I always found the buildings a little intimidating.
And then I saw him. He looked terrible as he staggered through the front doors, and that made me glad I’d come. I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone, at least not while I was in Portland.
“Hi, Justin, are you okay?” I asked as soon as I got close enough to him. He spun around to look at me, his eyes distracted and distant, as if he wasn’t quite sure where he was. I reached forward and touched his arm lightly, trying desperately to bring him back to me.
“I…I know you might not want to, but I brought you a sandwich, just in case you’re hungry.” I felt like an idiot for saying that in such a clearly awful time, but I had to say something, I needed an excuse for being there. “But if not, I can just take you home…or whatever.”
“I…yeah, that would be great. Thank you,” he stammered, allowing me to take the lead.
I got him into the front seat of my car, where he looked really out of place. I handed him the pre-packed sandwich from the nearest grocery store, which he opened and started to eat very slowly. I wanted to ask him what had gone on in there, but I didn’t feel like it was my place to do so.
“Oh God, what am I going to do?” he finally groaned, throwing his head into my hands. “This is bad – this is really bad.” I rubbed his back, still not asking anything, just in case he really didn’t want me to. If he was going to tell me anything I wanted it to be his decision, no pressure from me.
“Garrett has fucked up this time. It’s really bad, and I don’t know what to do. He’s been caught drunk driving.” Instantly, as soon as those words left his mouth, I felt my blood run cold. Nothing good could come from the end of that sentence. “I don’t know too much about it, he was vague on the details, but someone is dead.”
“Dead?” I clapped my hand across my mouth in shock, unable to keep any of it inside anymore. “Oh fuck, what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” he shook his head slowly, a wet shine taking over his eyes. “The worst part is that he didn’t even seem to care. He was more concerned about me bailing him out than the feelings of the people surrounding the dead person… I just don’t know what to do.”
There wasn’t anything I could say to that, and to be honest, I didn’t think Justin expected me to say anything. If anything, he just needed someone to listen. I could do that – there just wasn’t any advice that I could offer.
“When I told you before that he’s always been troubled, it’s never been like this,” he exclaimed, throwing his hands above his head as if it was hitting him once more.
“He’s always just been a bit of a nightmare. When he mentioned to me a while back that drinking was becoming a problem, I didn’t pay too much attention. I just thought it was an excuse. Then, when he began working for the company, I thought it was all going so much better. I didn’t think I’d ever have to worry about him again. I just…I don’t get it. And, I don’t understand how he doesn’t seem to care about the pain he’s caused.”
Justin sighed deeply, a sad sound that made me want to hold him close to my chest, to offer him all the comfort in the world. But before I could act upon that urge, he started talking again.
“I mean, we did have a pretty bad argument the other day, where he said some very shocking things.” He looked intently at me, as if he were trying to work out how much he could trust me. In the end, it seemed that I passed the test. “He told me that Mom didn’t die from sickness. Actually, he thinks he found evidence that she killed herself. Her suicide note, blaming my dad and his cheating ways for her death.”
“Woah.” My parents had always been happy together; I had no idea how much learning all of that would affect a person – not that it excused what Garrett had done, of course.
“Yeah, so maybe that sent him into a tailspin. Maybe that led him back to the drinking…I don’t know.”
“So, is there nothing else you can do here?” I asked cautiously, sensing that he needed to get away from this environment. He was clearly messed up over it all and he didn’t have the full picture, so if there was nothing he could do, then sitting here wasn’t healthy.
“No, I suppose not,” he shook his head sadly. “We might as well go. But I can’t go to work, not now. I need to…I suppose there’s a lot that I need to do. Maybe sort out a lawyer. Much as I totally hate what Garrett has done, I can’t leave him with no lawyer.”
“Yeah, I agree,” I told him. “Shall I take you back to your place? Once I’ve dropped you off, I might head back to Florence to give you the space you need to organize all of this.”
I felt awful to have our alone time together cut short, but this situation couldn’t be helped. Maybe, if things went the way that I wanted them to, we would have more time in the future to spend time together. This didn’t have to be the end.
He looked at me with puppy dog eyes, making me melt inside. I wanted so badly to help him, but I just didn’t know how. “Will you stay with me? Just one more night. I don’t want to be alone. Not at the hotel, at my home.”
“Of course!” If that was what he needed, then I would give him that. I wouldn’t have really felt right driving back home leaving him in such turmoil, anyway. “Let’s just stop off at the hotel on the way and get my stuff. Then I’m all yours, whatever you need me to do, I’m there.”
“Thank you, so much,” he gasped at me, almost smiling through the inner pain. “I really appreciate you. You’re amazing.”
***
Admittedly, I actually felt in the way at Justin’s home for a while. While he rushed around speaking to lawyers and seeking advice, all I could do was make him endless cups of coffee. I wished that I could offer some real help, that I knew what to do, but I didn’t.
However, once he was done and ready to relax just a little bit, I sprang to life. I cooked him dinner, ran him a bath, and helped him through the stress. I did all the little things for him, so his mind could be occupied on the bigger issues.
Despite all of that, it wasn’t until we snuggled up on the couch together that he started to speak out once more. It seemed like the stress of the day had loosened his tongue and he started to talk about things that he might not have otherwise.
“I don’t know what to think, with regards to what Garrett told me, you know?” he started, stunning me to the core. I didn’t expect that topic to ever come up again since it seemed to cause him physical pain, yet here we were talking about it once more.
“I always just assumed that Mom got sick, but the more I think about it, the more I realize no one ever told me that. I’m older than Garrett, so I should be able to remember more, but it’s as if my memories are a little warped. Like, if I think about it now, I can recall her being sick, but there are small parts of it that don’t quite add up. So maybe she did kill herself.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered back, hating that I didn’t even slightly have the right words for the moment. “That’s awful to learn. Whatever happened to her, it’s bad, but you need to try to remember her life, not her death.”
“That’s the problem,” he replied morosely. “I can’t. I can’t really remember anything about her, and I can’t learn the truth from my dad because he’s no longer here.” He tutted loudly, clearly lost in his own world of thoughts.
“The last thing I ever promised my dad was to look out for Garrett, to help him get his life back on track, and I failed miserably.”
“Your dad wouldn’t want you to put Garrett before yourself; he wouldn’t want you to sacrifice your mental health, everything you’ve worked for, to make him happy. Especially, when he doesn’t seem to want your help. There’s only so much you can do for people.”
“I know, but I don’t want to let him down, either. It’s so confusing, because as far as I’ve always been aware, my dad took us on after Mom died, stepping up and doing a good job. Garrett was always a nightmare, so he didn’t have it easy, either. Now, I’m being confronted with a slightly less than perfect version of him, and I don’t know how to take it.”
“Well, no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes,” I did my best to reassure him. “Maybe both versions of him are real. Maybe he wasn’t always the best husband, but he made up for that by being a great father. I don’t know if that’s helpful, but it might make everything not so…intense.”
“Yeah,” he murmured quietly, resting his head on my shoulder. “Maybe you’re right.”
As we both stared blankly at the television screen, mulling things over, I felt so sorry for Justin. He was having to deal with so much right now, and I knew what that was like.
I understood the anxiety, the fear, the overwhelming sense that nothing would ever be right again. I got what he was going through, probably a lot more than he knew, but this wasn’t the right time to share my own experience with him. I could remember when people tried to relate to me, right when I was in the middle of the intense emotional rollercoaster, and all it did was annoy me. I didn’t believe that anyone could fully comprehend my feelings, and that they were idiots for suggesting they could.
I didn’t know what Justin would end up doing about Garrett, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure what the right thing was. On the one hand, he couldn’t just abandon the only family he had left, but on the other, it seemed like Garrett really did need to be punished, if what Justin assumed was in fact correct.
It was horrible dilemma – at least it wasn’t me that had to solve it.